Voices of Fostering

Stephen - Life as a Stay-Over Foster Carer

• National Fostering Group • Season 5 • Episode 8

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, we sit down with Stephen, a retired father of two who found an unexpected calling in stay-over foster care. After spotting an advert in a charity shop window, Stephen went from browsing to becoming an approved foster carer in just six months — and hasn't looked back since.

Drawing on his own experience of being bereaved as a child and later raising his sons alone after losing his wife, Stephen shares how empathy shapes the way he welcomes every child into his home — from name plates and welcome books to matchday tickets at Turf Moor.

Now having cared for over 25 children in just two years through short stays and emergency placements, Stephen opens up about building trust quickly, fitting fostering around retirement, and why he's on call any time, any day.

A heartfelt conversation about resilience, flexibility, and the difference stay-over fostering can make.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

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Helen:

Welcome along to this episode of Voices of Fostering. Thank you so much for joining us, and today I'm joined by one of our lovely foster carers, Stephen. Hello, Stephen.

Stephen:

Hello. How are you?

Helen:

I'm good, thank you, Stephen. Thank you so much for joining us. Um, it's really, really lovely to talk to you. Now, Stephen, I've got a little bit of information about you here, and I'm told you are, um, you are a father of, of two adult sons. Uh, you're retired, so obviously your children flew the nest. You retired, and then you decided to become a foster carer. So tell us about that decision.

Stephen:

Um, it's a strange one really. I w- I was just browsing one of the charity shops, and there was sort of an advertisement for foster carers, and I've never really thought about that. But on reflection, I come from a family of seven, so I'm, I'm sort of I think child number four out of the seven. And my dad died when I was 10, and my mum died five years later. So I could have been in care, but if it wasn't for the older sisters looking after me, and then me moving into my brother's flat with them, um, I could have easily been in care. And equally, with my two sons, my wife died when they were, what, early teens. And again, if I wasn't the type of person that would, you know, persevere and look after them, then they also could have been in care. So I think that was the deep down reason for me be looking, um, uh, going into foster care. Plus, I've got a big house, um, I was due to retire, and I thought,"Well, what am I gonna do?"

Helen:

So what did your grownup sons think when you told them that you were gonna be a foster carer? Were they like, "Dad, do you not wanna have a bit of a rest now?"

Stephen:

No, I think they were more bothered about me being on my own, and at least there'd be some company. So they weren't bothered at all, and it wouldn't affect them because, uh, they both live away. Um, so in terms of day to day, it wouldn't have made a s- a, a scrappy difference to them. But they were quite supportive.

Helen:

So you say there, Stephen, that your personal experiences, your, your own upbringing, and, um, you know, the, the terrible situation that unfolded with, with your wife and, and your two sons, they were the sort of the catalyst really, weren't they? They… It was always bubbling under there that you, that you wanted to be a foster carer. W- was it something that maybe you considered with your wife as well? Was it something that was, was always in the background?

Stephen:

No, not really. I mean, we, we both come from, uh, large families, so she's got five siblings. We, we have seven. But other than having the two children, there wasn't really any, any sort of further thought about having more children or, or fostering. So that never came into it at all. It was purely down to, to my, uh, background, I think.

Helen:

Yeah. So tell us about that decision. As you say, you saw an advertisement a few years ago, you decided to go for it. How quickly did it happen after that? And tell us about your assessment process. What was that like?

Stephen:

It, it, it, it happened really quickly. So that afternoon I was in the town center, and I saw, uh, Fostering Solutions office. So I thought I'd call in and just find out a little bit more. Uh, and then I think two days later there's a phone call to say, could we come and do a, a, sort of a house visit a- and a chat. So that happened, and then following that, I think the following week, they were ringing me up to, um, ask when could they start the assessment process. Now, I was still at work at that point. I'd already sort of gone a year and a half over retirement age, because I was gonna carry on, and then I thought, "Well, no, if I'm gonna go for this, I might as well, um, sort of leave work a- and do it sort of, um, uh, you know, fairly quickly." But I didn't realize it was sort of six months of, uh, of, uh… And I thought you just had a DBS check, a couple of references- … and you were given a, a list of kids to choose from. Oh, no. I was so naive.

Helen:

No, we really like to know the ins and outs, don't we, Stephen? And, and rightly so. You know, people do often say it's an intrusive and very thorough process, but it really needs to be, doesn't it?

Stephen:

Of course it does. You're looking after someone else's children. And it… and sooner or later, it dawns on you, you think, "What a massive responsibility this is."

Helen:

Yeah, absolutely. So you do a type of, of foster care which means that in two years you've had quite a few children live with you, haven't you? 25 already in just two years, because you decided to do stay-over, um, foster care. So tell us a bit about that and how that suits you.

Stephen:

Well, I'll, I'll give you a bit of background to how it came to that. Um, after I was approved, I had a phone call from, um, the, the team to say,"Will you take on three siblings?" And obviously, you're, you're keen as mustard, and you say, "Oh, yes." So I didn't ask any questions. I just said, "Yeah, I'll do that." And then my social- uh, supervising social worker rang up and said, "What the hell are you doing?" He said, "What questions did you ask?" I said, "Well, I didn't ask any." He said, "Well, luckily for you, I've asked all the appropriate questions." He said, "So I'm gonna tell you what the answers are." And then you tell me whether you still wanna do it. So it, it was a case of three children. One was at nursery. Two, two sisters went to two different schools. It was like 45-minute travel distance to the school. Um, the baby only did half a day in nursery. Both girls had, uh, uh, out of school activities. So I said, "How many, how many people do you think are, are there to look after all those?" He says, "There's you. You can't physically do it."

Helen:

Yeah, it's not

Stephen:

really right

Helen:

for you. I said, "You're right." Yeah. You

Stephen:

know, he said, right, "In f- in fut- in, in future let me know…" He said, "In fact, what I'll ask the, uh, the team to do is let me know in advance. I'll make the decision, and then I'll, I'll pass it by you," he says, "and see how we go." I said, "All right." I says, I, I s- "I'm, I'm a bit keen." He said, "Well, I'll tell you what. I'll fix you up with a, a little lad. He's eight years old, and he's a proper lad." He said, "You'll get on r- really well with him." Uh, so that's what happened. So me first child was an eight-year-old lad, and we arranged to have him every single month, and he's still with me now.

Helen:

Oh, amazing. So

Stephen:

I see him now every month.

Helen:

Yeah. So tell us how it is that, that those short placements, those, uh, stay-over placements, how they're, they're right for you really, and do you think that's the type of fostering that you'll always do?

Stephen:

Yeah. Definitely, yes. I mean, it fits in with my lifestyle because, you know, as, as someone that's retired, you, you want to, you know, have time for yourself. So I can pre-book holidays and let the agency know. Um, every weekend I'm… I, I seem to be full anyway, but then I get bored during the week, so I'm asking, uh, you know, the, the social worker, "Is there no one for me to look after this week?" And it's really snowballed from there. So I get emergency placements. I get daycare. I get people for just a, a single day. Um, I get children for three or four weeks, uh, straight off. Uh, but every weekend, uh, I'm full. My diary now for April, May, and June, every single day is, is, is, uh, taken up.

Helen:

Oh, wow. So you've got a really full summer then. So yeah, as you say, it's really important that, uh, fostering fits into your life, and I understand something that's very important to you is you're footy. You're a big Burnley fan. So how did you make sure that, you know, going to Turf Moor was, was still gonna be on the cards for you?

Stephen:

Well, fu- funny enough, that was a question the panel asked. Um, and the answer is you just buy an extra ticket. So I've now got two season tickets. One adult, one child

Helen:

Brilliant And

Stephen:

even when I've got more, um, I go down to the office and try and, uh, get some seats all together So they're all Burnley fans whether they like it or not. Somebody said it's trial cruelty.

Helen:

So yeah, they've just been relegated again, haven't they? So, so, um, so yeah, is doing stuff like that really important f- for you and, and, and for your relationship with the kids really, I suppose? It's, it's n- a nice bonding experience.

Stephen:

And it's something they may not have done previously, so it's a first. So they don't realize how bad we are.

Helen:

So how do you find Stephen? You know, we talk a lot about sort of bonding with, with children who come and live with you. I suppose when you're on stay over or respite care, um, finding that sort of bond is, is harder really because, you know, you, you're doing it in a shorter space of time. Do you still find that you can build that rapport and that trust up with the children, especially if they come and stay with you often?

Stephen:

Well, out of those 26 children, I still see 9 of them On a, a fairly regular basis. So y- you've already built up that over a longer period of time. But, uh, I find the emergency ones are the more difficult, because with the, with the sort of stayovers, you can talk to the, uh, primary carer, you can find out a little bit about likes and dislikes. You've an, an opportunity for them to come and visit you beforehand, and for me to visit them. And where I can't, I have a welcome book, so it's got photographs of the house, things we can do, uh, photographs of the bedroom. So when they come, they actually remember, you know, what they've read about. So that's the first thing. And then I learned from one of them that the most terrifying part is when they knock on the door for the very first time. So I make it a habit now that I always welcome them with the door open, and I'm waiting for them to come out of the car, offering to help them in with the, the bags. And sometimes, you know, they cling to the, the legs of the carer, or they're just running upstairs to find out what it's all about.

Helen:

Yeah. I've never really thought of that before, Stephen. That makes such a difference, doesn't it?

Stephen:

Oh, it does. And then I've got name plates, so if I know in advance who's coming, I'll either make a name plate for them, or together we can make a name plate for them to choose the bedroom. And then I've got two or three icebreaker games, so we can, you know, lie on the, on the floor and play these lit- little games. I, I sometimes let them win. Um, I've got a f- I've got a food menu list, so we can sit down and go through this list, because food tends to be a really big thing. So knowing there's a list of food here that they enjoy, a- and we can cross off the ones that they just don't like, they, they feel sort of happier that at least, you know, their tummies are gonna be full. Um, and then I really just let them have a walk round the house. I'll say, "Go and find a particular teddy," and they'll run up there. And they'll come back down with it, and then I'll ask whether they've chosen the bedroom whilst they've been up there. Um, it's all about giving them choices, I think. The more control they feel they have, I think the, the, the more they relax a- and get into things.

Helen:

Well, yeah, of course, because a lot of these children, Stephen, have, have been through things that are, are totally out of their control. And as you told us before, with your own childhood, you know, you were a bereaved child yourself. Do you find that having that past experience of your own childhood helps you to, to connect and empathize with these children?

Stephen:

Yeah, I, I imagine myself as an adult being picked up by a stranger, some things thrown into a bag, taken in a car, and dropped off at a house and said,"Right, this is where you're now living." As an adult, I wouldn't like that, so just think what a child feels like.

Helen:

And Stephen, you've been doing this for a few years now, but can you imagine you doing it for quite a few more years to come? What, what's your long-term plan? Have you got one?

Stephen:

Well, not really. I'll take every day as it comes, but I'm fit and healthy, so I'll do it as long as, um, the agency want me to. Um, they've said, "You know, once you leave, we're all leaving." Because they say I- I'm on call all of the time. I'm on call all of the time. So basically, if I, if I had a phone call this afternoon, I'd be saying yes. And so, "Well, we've not even told you about the child yet." Say, "Well, I don't care. I'll, I'll take them anyway," 'cause I know you'd have done all the background checks for, for, for it to be a good fit, and they've not let me down yet.

Helen:

So Stephen, if there was anyone listening or watching who's maybe in their retirement or pr- approaching retirement, and maybe like you, they're thinking, "I might be a bit bored. Maybe I wanna do something a bit different," would you encourage them to go for it?

Stephen:

Definitely. I mean, fostering matters because it changes the direction of a, a child's life. Um, it gives them safety and stability, um, a- and a chance to grow really without any fear. A- and to be fair, it gives the carer a real deep sense of purpose, something that you'll, you'll never find, um, doing anything else.

Helen:

Oh, well, it's been really, really lovely speaking to you today, Stephen. It really has. Best of luck with the future. Uh, I hope the Clarets start doing better, I really do. And, um, and yeah, thank you so much for joining us.

Stephen:

No worries. Thank you.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group, and make this the year you foster.