Daniel - A Single Male's First Steps as a Foster Carer

In this episode of Voices of Fostering, Helen sits down with Dan — a single male foster carer who was only approved in January of this year.

Dan shares his honest and inspiring journey from a long-term career at a supermarket head office, through redundancy, a moment of clarity on a beach in Weston-super-Mare, and ultimately the decision to become a foster carer with National Fostering Group.

He opens up about:

💡 Why he decided to foster as a single man in his late 30s

📋 Navigating the thorough Form F assessment process

🧒 His first young person — a teenage boy with autism who lost his nan in January

🤝 The importance of building a strong support network

🔮 What the future might look like for him as a carer

Dan's story is proof that there's no single template for a foster carer. Whether you're single or in a couple, male or female, young or older — if you can provide a loving, stable home, fostering could be for you.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin and YouTube

Transcript

Helen: 0:00

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering. Today, I'm joined by a brand new carer. He's only newly, um, approved. He's right at the beginning of his journey. Welcome to the podcast, Dan.

Daniel: 0:15

Hello. Thank you for having me on, Helen.

Helen: 0:16

Hi, Dan. Thank you so much for joining us. So you were approved in January this year, which is not very long ago at all, is it? Um, and you've got your, your first, um, child or young person with you now. So just take us right back, really, to the, the beginning of all of this, so deciding that you wanted to be a foster carer. You're a single male carer, so by yourself you decided to do this. Tell us about the, the decision-making behind that.

Daniel: 0:47

Uh, so it went back quite a way, actually. Um, so I have not been fortunate enough to have any children. Um, had a long-term partner, we didn't have children. Uh, she's since been in another relationship, hasn't had children. Uh, you can put two and two together there. Um, and I was, I was in two serious relationships post that, um, and they both had children, and I was a little bit skeptical about dating somebody with a child, um, initially. Um, I actually came from, you know, my mom and dad had split up. I'd seen, you know, other relationships, you know, within the house, et cetera. But yeah, I don't know if it was a, a, a blocker in my mind. I just wanted to date... didn't wanna date somebody with children. Um, and actually the first one, when I broke up, the little boy, like, I, it was... We broke up four years ago, and I still miss him today. You know, and I realized I had a real want to be, you know, a parent. And my second relationship, she had a little girl who was a little bit older. Um, and I guess we were quite serious. You know, we were looking at maybe having children. Um, it never really transpired. Um, I got a little bit poorly, we broke up. There was different things that happened in relationships, and I kind of, you know, started realizing I missed the little girl as well, and I thought, "Well, what am I gonna do about this?" And I was in a very, you know, well-paid, secure job. I worked for a supermarket at their head office for 18 years. Um, and in July last year, there was a big round of redundancies, and I kind of thought, "Right, okay, is this my opportunity now?" And I had a job kinda lined up. I had things that weren't lined up, and I needed to take a bit of time. Um, and there was a lady... I actually help run a, a charity in the city of Coventry as well, um, with a multitude of, you know, excellent people. But there's one lady that also volunteers there, and she works for the National Fostering funnily enough, and she said to me, "Have you ever thought about fostering?" And I was like, "No, I haven't, actually." And I thought,"Right, I'll look into this." I'm the kind of person that looks into everything. I read everything, watch everything. I want to understand everything about everything, basically. So I looked into it, and I thought, "Right, this could be me. This could be a good opportunity where, you know, I'm financially secure for a very short period of time, and, you know, I've always wanted to be a dad, and what's gonna stop me?" And that was kind of the, you know, the real, I guess, pinpoint moment where I was like, "Yeah, I'm gonna do this." Specifically, I actually went to Weston-super-Mare on my own for, um, about three or four days, just on my own for a bit of head space, and I thought,"Well, is this the right thing for me? What do I want?" And I felt a little bit lonely, and I thought, "Am I missing a relationship? Am I missing... You know, what- what's missing in my life?" And I was walking down that beach, and there was all these moms and dads, and they were playing with kids, and I thought, "Right. That's it. I- I'm missing that. That's really, you know, what's missing from my life." And, you know, at the a- I was 37 at the time. I'm 38 now. But it's a case of, I think it shocked a few people when I told them, you know, I was kinda leaving a, a well-paid, semi-secure job that, you know... There was different th- things happening in the background. But as of September last year, yeah, I was like, "I'm in." And I let the National Fostering know, and I had a lovely lady called Lucy come over, and she did her pre-pre-assessment, whatever they're called, and she kind of judged, and she said, "Yeah, you'd be a good fit." Yeah. And I thought, "Well, here we go." Yeah. That was the start of the journey, I guess, Helen. Yeah.

Helen: 4:12

So Dan, you know, as you say, you were a 37-year-old single male. Some people might think that you can't be a foster carer if that is your situation, but that is absolutely not the reality at all, is it? Was there a part of you that thought,"Will I be able to do this by myself? Are they gonna let me?"

Daniel: 4:31

Yeah. Well, I looked into it, 'cause obviously you think, you... They need to go to a stable home, you know. I, I'm a bit of a mommies, but I love my mom, and you think, you know, are they gonna miss that influence? And funnily enough, if we get onto it, that has played a little bit of part in, um, my first placement. But I'm the kind of person, if somebody tells me I can't do something, I wanna do it anyway. Um, but I think National Fostering were very encouraging. You know, you read it, and they want people that are single. They want people that are from different, diverse backgrounds, you know. I think it's a decision you can't take lightly, and that's whether you're in a couple or you're on your own. You know, you've got to understand everything that you're going into. And I think from an National Fostering perspective, they just wanted to know was I suitable, could I support myself, and was I gonna be a good foster parent. Um, I don't think they look at anything further than that. Obviously, the, the assessment process is very, very thorough and very detailed, so I think they find if you're not suitable. But I would say, yeah, I think it shocked people when I told, you know, friends and family I was doing it on my own and, you know- Uh, it's a case of people don't normally expect single males to do it, I suppose. I guess why that's why I'm on this podcast, isn't it? You know, to try and- Yeah ... get people to understand and appreciate the fact that, you know, you can do it on your own, whether you're a male, you're a female, you're young, you're old, you know, you're from any kind of background. You know, I've been to some of the support network groups and, you know, you see people of different ages, uh, cultures, sexualities, genders, you know, nothing should really stop you. If you're a good person, and you're somebody that can, you know, provide a loving home, I don't see why it should stop you.

Helen: 6:02

Yeah. And we've said a few times now, Dan, that you're on your own, but I imagine you have a big support network around you, don't you? Tell us about that.

Daniel: 6:13

Oh, massively. And, you know, I think one thing that they really encourage in the assessment process is, you know, have a good support network, you know. And having now had a placement, I've got a teenage boy, um, and he's been here about seven weeks or so now, and you do, you need to speak to people. You need advice as well, more than anything. You know, whether that's from, you know, I've gone to my mom, I've gone to two of my best friends, uh, both of which are parents. You know, they've also got autistic children, um, which helps in my situation also. But even just friends, you know, you need a little bit of downtime, you need to escape. It might just be you need that chat in the evening. Um, but yeah, I think, you know, my mom's kind of been such a good support as well, you know, and to get advice and speak to people, you know, it makes a massive difference. So I would say if you're going into this, you know, regardless of single, you know, male, female, couple, you know, whatever that looks like, you need a very, very good support network around you. And if you've been a parent, you probably know that. Um, but as somebody that hasn't been a parent, I think I appreciate all the words of advice I was given- Yeah ... in the assessment process even more now. So- Yeah ... definitely.

Helen: 7:20

So you say you've got a, a 14-year-old boy with you now. He has autism. He's been with you for seven weeks. So how's that going then? Tell us all about him.

Daniel: 7:30

It's good. It's a bit of a wild ride. I got signed off in January, um, had my panel and official sign off in January, and then within about probably not even two weeks, you know, I had different options put in front of me, and I think that's one thing that people Probably need to be aware of as well, you know. You don't just get given one child, you know. There's a situation where I nearly had to pick between two, and one of them actually, um, just came a little bit quicker, so it made it a little bit easier. Originally, I wanted a child that was kind of five to nine age range, um, probably to pick up from where the little boy was when I left that relationship. But yeah, this lad came along and, you know, I don't know how much I can say. I'm sure you can cut it out if not. But he, um, lived with his nan previously, and she passed away in January. Um, his parents aren't around, and his family weren't in a position to... His extended family, that is, weren't in a position to care for him straight away, so he was placed within an emergency carer. Um, I came across him through the placements team, and they said, "You know, we've got this young boy. He's in this situation." And I'm somebody that lost my grandad last year, you know. I could really, you know, empathize with how he must be feeling. I struggled as a grown man, you know, so how he must be feeling as a teenage boy and his life's been thrown upside down. It's quite sad. Um, but at the same time, you know, it's been a massive learning curve for me. It's been a massive change for him. Um, we get on really well. He's somebody that really enjoys his sports. He's very active. You know, he probably has lived, I don't know, I wouldn't say a sheltered life, but you know, he, he did a lot of s- more stuff indoors because he was living with his nan and there wasn't that opportunity to do everything. But he did a lot of day trips. He did a lot of lovely things, and his nan sounds like an absolutely lovely person that, you know, really cared for him. Um, but you know, to be able to give him a stable, safe place to come, you know, that, that, that gives a lot back to me as well, so. And there's been challenges along the way, you know. Not every day has been easy. You know, it's, it's not a cake ride. Um, you know, there's times when he's been upset. There's times he's been frustrated. There's times he's been a little bit angry. Um, and again, we talk about a support network, Helen, but you know, even his extended family have been very, very good in talking to us, you know, in terms of text messages, organizing things, making sure that he can see more of his family. Um, some of his family have, you know, additional needs as well, so there's some additional requirements to go and see them. So but yeah, it's been, it's been a whirlwind if I'm being honest with you. Yeah. Yeah.

Helen: 10:03

Yeah. And as a single carer, um, Dan, you know, w- what's it like for you to sort of think about, you know, potentially dating? Is that something that you've, you've spoke to your social worker about? You know, if somebody was to come into your life, would that still be okay? I imagine that's something that single carers think about.

Daniel: 10:23

Yeah, they do, and I think, you know, I'm somebody that is, in my mind, I still want, you know, children, I guess. I still want a relationship, still want a family. At the minute, I'm not actively looking, you know. I've got enough on my plate right now. But I think they, you know, they're aware that, you know, I'm a young male. I'm somebody that is probably gonna end up in a relationship again at some point. Yeah. And you know, there are- regulations around it that you need to let them know. You can't, you know, just ditch the child and then go into a relationship. You know, I'm not that kind of person anyway. Um, but yeah, there's nothing stopping you having a relationship, and I think, you know, they encourage you to still go out and meet people and- Yeah ... you know, to do nice things. You've just got to balance it around, you know, now a child. And even though fostering's very different to being a single parent, you know, they, they do kind of hammer that home in the assessment process. But, you know, if I was a single dad, I would still need to, you know, put the child first and work the relationship around that. And I guess in fostering you need to take a few extra steps if you did get in a relationship, but for me it's just not really... Yeah.

Helen: 11:29

Yeah. Yeah. Sometime

Daniel: 11:30

hopefully.

Helen: 11:31

Yeah. And I, I think it's important for anybody listening or watching who is maybe considering fostering themselves to realize that, you know, everyone's life situation is different, and they, the team take that into consideration. Do you know what I mean? They're very flexible, aren't they?

Daniel: 11:46

Absolutely. And, you know, they want to know as much about you. I mean, the Form F process that you do, the assessment process, is- Horrific. I never wanna read that file again, if I'm being honest with you. It's the most in-depth, detailed piece of... What was the term I was trying to say? Most detailed thing you will ever be handed about your life. You know, they leave no stone unturned. But what they're looking for is, you know, somebody that's human, somebody that's been through things, somebody that understands the way of the world, isn't the fact that there's just this template of a, you know, a foster parent. There's different children and different adults that are gonna offer different things in different situations and, yeah, I think they're looking for human people and- Mm-hmm you know, as part of that, as you said, relationships are probably gonna form a part of my life at some point. You know, nearly 40, but, you know, there's a lot of, uh, you know, women that are probably single as well, you know, and probably some might have young children, some might adult children. You know, you just don't know what you're gonna work into, so. Mm.

Helen: 12:43

So you're right at the beginning of your journey now, Dan. It's so wonderful to, to hear, you know, what a positive impact it's having on your life. What, what do you imagine for the next five or 10 years? Do you think you'll do this for a long time? Um,

Daniel: 12:57

yep. I mean, I'm the kind of person that takes things, you know, on face value, and I think this first placement is certainly looking as though it's gonna be, you know, for a while. And I think I'm the kind of person that would judge the situation, you know, at the end of that, and then see what's next for me. You know, I think they make very clear that even if you don't, you know, commit to a... doing fostering, I would s- not f- I wanna use the phrase full-time, but you do fostering as your primary, um, what's it called? N- I'm trying- Role ... not to say job, but the primary- Yeah ... thing that you're doing. Yeah. Even I'm choosing not to work, I'm choosing to foster. I think it'll be a case that, you know, when I finish Being so young, I might believe in, you know, some good jobs on the table, but there's no reason why you can't do respite. There's no reason why you can't do short-term, you know, and if they want to invest in you and want you to be somebody that is available for a long period of time. In the back of my mind, I have this, you know, I want this wall of, like, 20 children that I've looked after. And, you know, I'll be an old man, and I'll be like... They'll be all coming to visit me, you know. But the way the world works, y- you just don't know what's around the corner sometimes, do you, in situations? And, you know, as I've seen with the young boy that I've got, you know, his nan passing away, you know, a family death or something happening can change your opinion. So if I'm being honest, I don't know. Yeah. But I think my dream would be to have, you know, all these children that come and see me- Yeah ... when I'm, like, 80 years old, and, you know, you've made a positive impact and a real difference in so many, you know, childrens' and then adults' lives. Yeah. So yeah, it'd be a nice thought. Yeah. And Dan,

Helen: 14:31

I speak to many, many foster carers who are that person who've literally got hundreds of adult children that still come and visit them, and it's just such a rewarding thing to do, isn't it? So I really, really hope that for you. I really do. Um, so best of luck with the future, Dan. It's so lovely to speak to you, and hopefully we can catch up at some point and see how you're getting on.

Daniel: 14:55

Yeah. Come and speak to me in a couple of years and see if I've still got as much hair left. But it's, uh... No, it would be good to catch up. Uh, like I said, it's early days, seven, eight weeks, and, you know, it's exciting to see what the future might bring really, so.

Helen: 15:08

Wonderful. Thank you so much, Dan. Really, really lovely to speak to you. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group, and make this the year you foster.