Joel - Family, Firsts, and Letting Go

In this episode of Voices of Fostering, we sit down with Joel - who took the leap into fostering with his husband Jake after 13 years together. Joel shares the honest, emotional, and inspiring story of their journey: from navigating the approval process and welcoming two emergency placements, to taking four children on their first-ever holiday abroad.

We talk about:
💛 What led Joel and his husband Jake to choose fostering over adoption or surrogacy
💙 What the assessment process is really like - and why it's less scary than you think
🌟 The highs of creating lifelong memories for children in care
💔 The heartbreak of a fostering journey ending — and how they got through it
❤️ Why Joel says fostering is "the best thing we ever did"

Whether you're part of the LGBTQ+ community, a couple, or simply someone with love to give — this episode is for you.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin and YouTube

Transcript

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Helen: 0:00

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering, and it's wonderful to be joined today by the lovely Joel. Hello, Joel.

Joel: 0:09

Hi. Are you all doing?

Helen: 0:09

Hi. I am good, thank you. Thank you so much for joining us today on the podcast. I'm really looking forward to, uh, hearing about you and your journey. So you've been a foster carer for two years. I understand with your husband, haven't you? So tell. Yeah. Tell us what it was that led you to fostering. Why did you decide to do it? Is it something that you, that you and your husband have always wanted to do?

Joel: 0:32

Yeah. Well, it was one of those things where we weren't sure about, um, what we were gonna, we've been together for quite a long time. We've been together for 13 years. So we were always talking about the possibility of having children with her that be, um, through surrogate adoption or fostering. And we decided that actually, because there's. There's lots of, uh, there's lots of little people out there that need help and, and support. We thought, actually, do you know what? Fostering is probably gonna be the best route for us that we can feel like we're actually making a difference.

Helen: 0:59

Yeah, because obviously it's the same sex couple. Joel, you do have to think about it more, don't you? You know what I mean? You do sort of reflect on what is it that you, you know, you want from starting a family. Um, and what was it about fostering in particular that appealed to you?

Joel: 1:16

I think for, for us, it was a, we started off having like diff it was difficult conversations really. And the conversations we had seemed to be quite for us, they, they just seemed maybe slightly selfish in a way because we were thinking about like the adoption route and things like that, or we were thinking about surrogacy and then obviously there was the conversations about who's, um, you know, would it, who'd be the biological father, that kind of thing. And then we found that that conversation actually turned out to be quite difficult. So we decided that the better option. Then when we realized and we looked into fostering a lot more and we, and we dug into the details of it all, then we realized that there were actually quite a bit of a crisis out there at the minute looking for foster carers. We, it just, it all just fit. And we were like, well actually, do you know what? That is actually perfect for us. Yeah. This is the right thing to do.

Helen: 2:03

Wonderful. So, so what did you do? Did you just reach out to to NFG or, or was it another fostering agency at the beginning? What did you do?

Joel: 2:13

Yeah, well we were looking into it. We've, we've, um, spoken one of our friends, funnily enough, we we're quite, we're quite lucky to have a friend of who used to be the director for social services in London. Oh,

Helen: 2:22

wow.

Joel: 2:23

Yeah. So we'd, um, we were, we were quite lucky to have kind of that backing and that support. Yeah. Um, and we'd been thinking about fostering for quite a lot of years. And because my career was moving around quite a bit, um, it kind of, it wasn't really the right time. And then we decided after. 11 years of being together, that it was time to get married and, um, settle down and put roots down rather than keep jumping around with my career. Yeah. That we decided that, you know what, let's do the marriage thing.

Helen: 2:53

Yeah.

Joel: 2:53

And let's go for it. So we started, so we started the process and we looked into lots of different agencies, and the one that came out on top was NFG. They're the ones that seem to have the best fit for us with what they offer. Yeah, it's been brilliant.

Helen: 3:07

And did it happen quite quickly after that initial contact that you made, or was it something that took a bit of time?

Joel: 3:14

Yeah, the, the, the, the approval process took quite some time actually. Um, we started, um, we, it, it took nearly 10 months for us for the approval process. Okay. So it was a long, so it was a long time, but I think that was due to. Throughout the process, there's kind of like small gaps and things within, um, because I, I lived abroad for a few years, so he was trying to find people that I used to work with 20 years ago. Yeah, yeah. Um, so I mean, yeah, there's no stone unturned is there, and he said it's quite a thorough process. Mm-hmm. So yeah, it'd take quite some time.

Helen: 3:47

Yeah, they do have to delve into things, but obviously for, you know, for for very clear reasons, really, you know, it's very important that, that our carers are, you know, really well assessed. And how did you find the whole assessment process? What was it like for you both?

Joel: 4:05

It was daunting at first. Um, 'cause 'cause you don't know what you're gonna get asked and you don't know how it's, you know, you don't know what questions are gonna be asked either. And it was kind of one of those things where. Right at the beginning it was bombarded with like, this is what we need, this is what we're gonna look at, this is how long the assessment process is gonna take. This is how many over visits you're gonna have for me. You know, Jake and I were both kinda like, oh wow. Okay. This is, um, this is Stu

Helen: 4:31

quite a lot. This is, yeah.

Joel: 4:32

Yeah. Um, but actually we were, we were really lucky, the independent, um, the independent assessor that was assigned to us. She was, she was lovely. She was a, you know, she was a great social worker. She was so easy to talk to. And then obviously you've, you've got people from the agency, you know, the, the like oo from the agency was absolutely superb with us. And she was always there on hand as well. So we kind of had both of them supporting us through the whole process, which is really nice.

Helen: 4:59

Yeah, you're sort of like guided quite gently through it, aren't you? You know, you say it's quite a lot of information at first, but then you feel like, you know, you go through it step by step, don't you?

Joel: 5:11

Yeah, I mean we were kind of expecting it to be like really formal, really black and white, really like you, you need to answer my question X, Y, and Z. And it wasn't like that. It was very much about feelings and there was a lot of empathy there. So, you know, even, even when, you know, trying to get hold of some of my older peers from when I lived out in America and things like that, it was kind of. They were just so patient with it. They were, they weren't pushy. They weren't forcing it. Yeah. They were like, right, take your time.'cause they wanted the right information.

Helen: 5:40

Yeah. I think a lot of people worry as well, Joel, about like having to contact ex-partners and stuff. Did you have any experience with that and what was that like?

Joel: 5:50

Yeah. Um, well, unfortunately, one of my previous partners passed away, so they couldn't, you know, they couldn't get a hold of, uh, they couldn't get ahold of him. And then I'd only ever had one besides that, and that was when I lived in America. Right. And we remained really good friends up until that point. We've always been really good friends, so Yeah. That, that wasn't too bad for me.

Helen: 6:06

Yeah.

Joel: 6:06

Or for Jake. In all fairness,

Helen: 6:08

I think it's important for people to know, though, that it is very sensitively done, isn't it? And I think it's, yeah. Yeah. And I think they understand that, you know, you break up with someone for a reason, don't you? It's not. It is, you're not always gonna be totally complimentary about your ex, but, you know, no, it was good that obviously yours was, was quite amicable. So that's good that you had that, that that good experience. So what sort of fostering did you see yourself doing and then, and then what did you end up doing?

Joel: 6:36

Well, we, we, we initially thought when we came into it because the, there's a bit of an age gap between Jake and I as well. So, um, we were always very, we were always very aware that if we took older children, um, that. They might see me as a parental figure, but they might see Jake as more like, you know, a brother-in-law. Right. Okay. Something like that. Yeah. We didn't want, we didn't, so we didn't want to go too old. Um, so we tried to stay away. We, we did suggest that we'd stay away from teenagers and we kind of originally said between like five and 10, um. But then, you know, throughout the process, it suggested to us for the approval process of the panel, like, you know, you, you, you are very, you're becoming very niche there and you know, you're opening yourselves. You're only opening yourselves to a certain demographic Yeah. Of, of, and, and placements. So we changed it for from zero to 18, but obviously within that, we said with there preferences would be. Um, and then we had, um, the, the initial conversation we had with the local authority, we, we, we got approved and five days later that we were asked if we'd take a placement and we were, uh, excuse me, originally supposed to take a couple of girls. Uh, but the local authority at the time was very concerned that we were a same sex couple. So that was quite challenging to navigate someone. And I understand, I understand why, um, they did that, but the, the manner in which they did it wasn't very helpful. Okay. Um, and we, yeah, we were quite concerned by that. So in the end, we decided that we wouldn't go ahead with that placement. Um, and then we got a phone call two days later asking us if we'd take these two little boys on an emergency and we ended up with a one and a 2-year-old, so. Oh, wow. Yeah. So, and yeah, they, they, we, we found out. Well, we found out at nine o'clock in the morning that this, this could potentially happen. And then they rang us at three o'clock on the Friday afternoon and said, they're on the way. And I was like, oh, okay. Uh, not ready. Yeah. Not prepared for this. I went to Tesco and swiped everything off the shelves. I thought we might actually need for a more than a 2-year-old.

Helen: 8:37

Yeah.

Joel: 8:37

So, yeah, it was quite, it's quite daunting. I was asking questions to the ladies in there. I was like, what? I know size nappies, whether they were nappies or, you know, all that kind of stuff. So it was really, really daunting, but. By, by far the best thing we ever did.

Helen: 8:51

And can you remember how it felt when those, those two little boys first arrived in your home?

Joel: 8:56

It was really, it was really strange. I mean, you, you, you're overwhelmed straight away with, it's, it's always, I think nerves just get you more than anything else because it's your first place, you're really nervous, you don't know what to expect, and you don't know how the, you know how the children are gonna react to you and then you get excitement and you're excited and you're really keen on it. It. Yeah, it was, um, it was a real mixture. And then there's also the, the feeling of of hurt because you know that these kids have been through something.

Helen: 9:26

Yeah.

Joel: 9:26

So you have, you know, straight away you have that instinct of you, you, you feel emotional. And, and we did. I mean, I remember the first night that the boys finally fell asleep. Jake and I sat downstairs and we just burst into tears and

Helen: 9:39

Yeah.

Joel: 9:40

But they were kind of happy tears as well in a way, because we were, we knew that what we were gonna be able to give to these boys was gonna be. It's something quite amazing.

Helen: 9:48

Yeah.

Joel: 9:49

Uh, which is what I tried to do every single day with them, you know?

Helen: 9:52

Absolutely. And you knew that they were somewhere safe and that you were gonna care for them. Yeah. Yeah. So you've had those same two boys with you now for, for two years, is that right?

Joel: 10:03

Yeah. Well, the placements just ended actually. Yeah. So it was heartbreaking. Yeah. They've just gone those lots of tears and, um, we, uh, we, I mean it was, it was a difficult choice, um, for. The local authority to obviously decide to, to put notice in on them, but the, they had two siblings, two sisters, um, so we took the sisters as well. So we ended up with four children. Mm-hmm. Um, after six months and for a first placement. And there was some complex needs, especially with the middle two. And it just got, it just got too challenging and too difficult for Jake and I to manage. So we had to make a decision, which was an unfortunate decision, which was, um. To end a placement for the girls.

Helen: 10:47

Yeah.

Joel: 10:47

Um, and then the local authority decided that they wanted to keep all four of them together, so they putting notice on the boys as well, and took the boys.

Helen: 10:54

Right.

Joel: 10:54

So, yeah, it's been, it's been a really tough few weeks.

Helen: 10:58

I think what you've just experienced now, Joel, is, is maybe what people worry about. Well, I know it is. I know. It's what a lot of people worry about. You know, how will I feel when children are taken away? When they move on? And honestly, how has it been and how have you got through it?

Joel: 11:16

Um, lots of tears.

Helen: 11:18

Yeah.

Joel: 11:19

Lots and lots.'cause we, we, we did, excuse me, we did grow like a really strong emotional attachment to the boys, um, that they became, yeah. Part, just part of the family. And, you know, they were very close with my family, and it's, it's been, it's been really, really, really difficult. Um, but we've got each other and the agency have been amazing and we've been very lucky that, um, our supervising social worker has been there every step of the way with us, supporting us. Um, and even as far as the, the, the team manager with NFA North, they've, they've all been superb with us and, uh, really helped us do it. But we've bit more so than anything. We've got each other and we're quite solid. We've got a solid foundation. So

Helen: 12:01

yeah,

Joel: 12:03

we've been, yeah, we, we we're. Okay.

Helen: 12:05

Yeah.

Joel: 12:05

Just, okay.

Helen: 12:06

I won't

Joel: 12:06

say what amazing. We're just

Helen: 12:08

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Because there are a lot of difficult situations and, you know, there are a lot of difficult emotions, but you feel like it's all manageable and that you've always got a lot of support.

Joel: 12:20

Yeah. Oh, we've, yeah, we've been inundated with support. We've, we've been very, very lucky. Um, like I said, our supervising social worker, she's fantastic. We've, we, it's, it's been great. The communication's always there.

Helen: 12:34

Yeah.

Joel: 12:35

Yeah. So we've been All right.

Helen: 12:36

And what do you feel like is next for, for you and your husband now, Joe?

Joel: 12:41

We are already on next. Okay. Yeah. So we got a phone call. Well, the, the boys left us last Friday. Um, and then we got a phone call that Friday evening saying there was a carer that needed some support with respite. Yeah. So we're just doing some daycare at the moment. Oh, okay. We've got a, a sibling group that are just coming to us during the daytime for a little bit to just give a another carer a little bit of respite and time off.

Helen: 13:05

Yeah.

Joel: 13:05

Which is really nice for us because it kind of gives us the opportunity to ease gently into potentially another placement.

Helen: 13:13

Yeah.

Joel: 13:14

So, yeah, it's quite nice. And, and they're lovely kids as well. So we, we, we, first day with them was yesterday and we Oh, okay. Went to the beach and played on the arcades and all that kind of stuff and just bottom 'em of sticker rock and stuff. So it was really, it was really nice to be able to kind of do that. Yeah. And then I think it's helped me and Jake, 'cause we spoke about it, uh, you know, last night when we were sat down having a cup of tea watching tell, we, you know, we're talking about it. We said, actually, do you know what? It feels all right.

Helen: 13:40

Yeah.

Joel: 13:42

This does feel, it feels fine. We know that we gave him a brilliant day yesterday.

Helen: 13:46

Yeah.

Joel: 13:47

So it kind of felt, you know, you feel good about that, that, you know, even when I handed him back, he was like, I've had an amazing day. Aw. And you're like, you know, so, you know, you've done something good.

Helen: 13:56

Yeah, definitely. It's

Joel: 13:57

nice.

Helen: 13:58

And what do you and Jake do for work than, um, Joel? You know, do you, do you both work? Does one of you work, you know, how, how, how does that work with, with fostering and, and your careers?

Joel: 14:11

So Jake was a, Jake's a primary carer. Um, I've always worked. Right. Okay. Um, I, I gave up doing my full-time job when we took the girls as well because it was too much for him. So we were just looking after all four, but I was still doing some, um, consultancy work and some bits on the side. Yeah. So I've kind of. Can me to in the water. Um, but now it's, but now obviously I'm looking, um, to get back into, I've gotta go back into full-time work now. Right. And Jake will go back to be a primary carer. Um, so that's, that's generally how it's worked for us.

Helen: 14:42

Yeah.'cause I think sometimes people think that they would have to sacrifice their careers and that's not always the case, is it?

Joel: 14:49

No. I mean, even Jake's got himself a little part-time job just working in the school on an afternoon, so, yeah. You know, whenever, whenever the kids are at ho at, at, at school, there's no reason he's, and he's still got a little bit of a social circle that he is doing, you know, he is only, let's say he is only doing two or three hours a, a day over lunchtime sort of thing, just support him with like the dinner times at schools. Yeah. So, which is something he never saw himself doing.

Helen: 15:12

Right. He

Joel: 15:13

is always worked alongside me, but it in the hospitality industries. Yeah. You know, he is, he's always been like a, a manager in restaurants and things like that, so this is, even though it's still food, it's it's schools, so it's, yeah. It really is child based now, so, yeah. It's kind of flipped a little bit, which is, which is really nice.

Helen: 15:31

Yeah, good stuff. So we've talked about some of the challenges, Joel, that you face, you know, with fostering. But what have been some of the highlights for you over the last couple of years? And I'm sure there's still many, many to come, but what have been, what's been some of the good stuff?

Joel: 15:48

I think probably, probably the, the best thing I think that we ever did was we took all four of the children on a family holiday abroad last year to Turkey.

Helen: 15:57

Oh, amazing.

Joel: 15:58

Um, never been on a plane, never been to an airport, never seen any of that, and we just made a really big deal of it. And, you know, everything from getting up in the morning and getting ready with the suitcases. Yeah. Making sure that they had their own passports and they were all excited to all the passports to go, you know, to give it to the mister at the airport or

Helen: 16:16

Yeah.

Joel: 16:16

You know, and yeah, they, they just had the best time. They'd never been on a boat, so we took 'em on a boat. We, you know, the, never been on like a Jeep Safari. We did that swimming pool all day. Yeah. It was like, it was fabulous. And they had the best time.

Helen: 16:33

And how did that make you feel to, to see them like that? Because, did you say they'd never experienced those things before and, and you are giving that experience to them, that must have felt amazing.

Joel: 16:43

Yeah, I mean, even at the young age that they're at, you know, um, youngest being four, um, the EL being eight, um, we know that those memories will last. And I think that's, you know, that, that's gonna be like the one thing that's, that that makes you feel good about is that you know that you made a difference. You know, that you made those memories with those children and that they're never gonna forget that they're gonna have those memories for the rest of their lives. Yeah. You know, it's. So, you know, even, I mean, the little one's obsessed with penguins. So we used to take him, we used to go to SeaWorld in Scarborough quite a bit to see penguins and things. Yeah. You know, so we all, all these, all these little memories, all these trips out, everything that we've ever done with them, we've always made it, we've always bought 'em a memento as well, from everywhere we've been. So they've got like a little keepsake from each one that they can put in the memory box. So those are, those are the things that you, you know, that they'll always be able to look at that and be able to say, I remember when we went there. I remember when we did that.

Helen: 17:42

Yeah. Oh, Joel, it sounds like you and Jake have made such an impact on those little boys and the little girls' lives in, in the last couple of years, and, and you set to, to do even more with all the children coming up. How, how long do you sort of see you and Jake doing this for?

Joel: 17:58

Oh, we love it. Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. We've, we've had a, we've had a tough time with the local authority recently, and we've, we've not had an easy ride with them. And the, the, it has been quite difficult to navigate. But there's so much love still to give.

Helen: 18:14

Yeah.

Joel: 18:14

Why stop now?

Helen: 18:15

Yeah.

Joel: 18:15

Why stop now? We can, if we can put an imprint on any children's lives where they've got a memory that can last a lifetime. What's, what's a better feeling than that?

Helen: 18:26

Yeah, absolutely. And for anyone watching, all listening, um, Joe particularly, you know, the couples from from or or single people from the LGBTQ plus community, how would you encourage them to, to go for it with fostering, obviously, you know, as you said, there's lots of things to think about. There's lots of different ways of starting a family, but why would you encourage people to go for fostering.

Joel: 18:52

I think it's going back to what I said previously. I, I think it, it's that you're able to make a difference in somebody's life. And if you're able to do that and you've, and you can open your heart, your home to anybody that needs someone, just, you know, to love them. Whether it be short term or long term, whether it be respite, like do it, it, you know, there's the full, there's fulfillment there. That's what you know. It is, it is a fulfilling role. And it doesn't matter whether you gay, straight, or bisexual, it doesn't matter. If you've got a heart and you've got love to give, then give it persevere and do it when you know it's the best thing we ever did.

Helen: 19:33

Brilliant. Well, that is a wonderful way to end our chat. Joel, thank you so, so much for talking to us today and for being so open and best of luck to you and Jake for the future.

Joel: 19:44

Thank you very much.

Helen: 19:45

Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.