Scott - Solo, Ready, and Open to Give Back

What happens when your fostering journey takes an unexpected turn?

In this episode of Voices of Fostering, Helen sits down with Scott — a foster carer with a story of an unexpected journey to tell.

Scott and his then-wife set out to foster a sibling group, got exactly what they hoped for, and were well on their way — until their marriage broke down. Rather than walk away, both chose to continue fostering as solo carers, putting the children's stability first and showing them what an amicable separation can look like.

Now a Stayover (respite) carer, Scott opens up about:

• Why he and his ex-wife chose to start fostering
• Navigating the approval process and what to really expect
• How they handled separation while keeping the children's wellbeing at the centre
• What stayover fostering is and how it fits around a busy, travel-heavy career
• Why he believes there's a type of fostering for everyone

Whether you're curious about fostering or somewhere along your own journey, Scott's story is a powerful reminder that fostering can fit into your life — whatever it looks like.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin and YouTube

Transcript

Helen: 0:00

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering. And today I'm delighted to be joined by somebody alive in the studio, which is really exciting. Uh, welcome to the podcast, Scott.

Scott: 0:10

Thank you.

Helen: 0:10

Hello Scott. Thank you so much for joining us. So, Scott, you've got a really interesting story. You've been fostering for less than two years, um, but it's been quite a unique journey for you over these. Those two years. And when I first saw your story, I thought, you know what, that is such an interesting thing to talk about because, you know, as adults in real life, you try and prepare for every eventuality. You wanna understand what it, what, what it would be like if that happened. Um, so. Take us right back to, you know, over two years ago, probably now, when you were starting to think about fostering with, uh, your ex-wife, wasn't it? Yeah. So, so tell us what happened in the very beginning.

Scott: 0:49

Uh, so we were kind of, um, talking about what we wanted to do in terms of giving back. We, we had our house, we had, you know, the time and the energy, and we wanted to do something good. Something, uh, positive karma.

Helen: 1:02

Yeah.

Scott: 1:03

Almost. Um, and we started to go down the fostering route. A lot of my ex-wife's family was also in fostering.

Helen: 1:09

Yeah.

Scott: 1:09

So we thought that was a, a really good option and we looked into it, did our research, and we talked to many different people from that way of life. And it was just seemed right. Yeah. Um, and then, yeah, we kind of, we kicked off the application form and. And head straight into it.

Helen: 1:23

Yeah. And what did you find the, the application process like and the, you know, the process to being approved,

Scott: 1:29

um, long and in depth.

Helen: 1:30

Yeah.

Scott: 1:30

But that's not a negative.

Helen: 1:32

Yeah. Yeah.

Scott: 1:32

That's a very good thing. Yeah. We, we kind of relished in the, the deep diving of the questions because it's needed.

Helen: 1:38

Yeah, definitely.'cause people always say that, you know, the word intrusive gets used. Mm-hmm. Quite a lot. Mm-hmm. But it has to be, doesn't it?

Scott: 1:45

Yeah. It, it is very intrusive. Yeah. It's, it, there's no stone unturned, but it's positive. It's, it is needed.

Helen: 1:52

And when you first started that process, what sort of fostering did you imagine that you were going to do? Did you have a sort of ideal scenario in mind?

Scott: 2:00

Yeah. Well actually the ideal scenario we had was the one, the one that fell into, okay, so we had, um, we wanted a boy and a girl, siblings. Of certain ages.

Helen: 2:14

Yeah. And.

Scott: 2:16

We were very lucky because that's exactly what we were placed with.

Helen: 2:20

Right, okay.

Scott: 2:20

So, uh, which doesn't happen very often, I don't think. Yeah,

Helen: 2:23

well I feel like most of the time people say, you know, oh, we, you know, we thought we wanted this. And then actually we ended up with, you know, a completely different type of fostering, completely different scenario sort of thing. Um, so that's quite nice actually. That, you know, what, what you'd set your sights on. You, you ended up experiencing really.

Scott: 2:41

Yeah, I think it's, I got the idea that it's quite rare.

Helen: 2:43

Yeah, it

Scott: 2:43

doesn't happen very often. Um, and we were very lucky. Yeah. Very, very lucky.

Helen: 2:47

So tell us what happened then. You had a, a boy and a girl come and live with you. What was that like at the beginning?

Scott: 2:52

It's a huge shock. Yeah. When you, when you don't have much experience with, with children, um, you kind of get the ideas of, of what you think it represents and, and what you need to do. Yeah. Um, kind of going back to your own childhood Yeah. You kind of think, well, you know, there's a lot of positives, a lot of negatives, and, and you kind of, yeah. Figure out as you go almost. But there's so many challenges that arise that you don't think of when you're going through the process. Yeah. You know, for example, um, when you have kids coming in outta the house all day, you know, summer holidays, they have their friends come over and you, nothing really prepares you for that busy household.

Helen: 3:27

Yeah.

Scott: 3:27

Um, it's lovely. It's great. It's a, it's a big positive, but it comes with its challenges. Yeah. Um, it's all a bit of a surprise, so you can go in and do as much research as you can. But nothing ever really prepared you for it. Prepare. Yeah. Yeah.

Helen: 3:39

Yeah. Because had you or your wife had children in your home before, had, had you had children in your

Scott: 3:44

life before? No. We, we have nieces and nephews and, and you know, we, we have kids in the family and plenty of

Helen: 3:48

them. Yeah. The ones that you can give back.

Scott: 3:50

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. The ones that you could have for a few hours at the zoo and then

Helen: 3:54

Yeah.

Scott: 3:55

Go, go back home. Yeah. And then relax at home. But,

Helen: 3:57

so it was

Scott: 3:57

quite

Helen: 3:58

different.

Scott: 3:58

Yeah. And it was, it was very, um. It's all ve It's very positive though.

Helen: 4:03

Yeah.

Scott: 4:04

Very positive, but very different.

Helen: 4:06

But of course, with fostering, you get, you get essentially trained to be a parent, don't you?

Scott: 4:10

Yes.

Helen: 4:11

Because you do your skills to foster and everything. So how did you find that?

Scott: 4:16

I was gonna say intrusive, but it, but we use that word a lot. Um, but no, it's, it's incredibly detailed. Yeah. Very in depth. And again, no stone goes, no stone goes unturned when it comes to any questions that you have.

Helen: 4:29

Yeah.

Scott: 4:29

Um. Everyone's very helpful. From the national fostering, it's all incredibly detailed and the be, I think the best way of probably putting it would be that there's never a stupid question.

Helen: 4:44

Yeah.

Scott: 4:45

So you can ask anything you want and, and you'll get the right, you get the right answer or whatever answer you're gonna need you get.

Helen: 4:50

Yeah.

Scott: 4:51

Um, but it really helps prepare you as much as it can possibly prepare you.

Helen: 4:55

Yeah.

Scott: 4:55

Yeah, yeah.

Helen: 4:56

And of course, you've always got that support of, you know, your, your social worker, you know the whole team around you. Did you feel like you, you can always pick up the phone. There's always someone there to help you

Scott: 5:06

every day.

Helen: 5:07

Yeah.

Scott: 5:07

Every day. Monday to Sunday.

Helen: 5:09

Yeah.

Scott: 5:10

It's, it's 24 7 support. It really is. And there's, there's such good community around the, the fostering agency as well. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone's friends with everyone. Mm-hmm. You go to the events that we set up and we have an amazing events team, uh, um, at the, the Fostering Agency, and there's always events going on where you can network and you make friends.

Helen: 5:29

Yeah.

Scott: 5:29

And then you have constant communication with other foster carers, the fostering group themselves. It's just, it's a fantastic community. Yeah. Yeah. So 24 7 support.

Helen: 5:39

So then you get about a year into, you know, having these, this girl and boy living with you. Mm-hmm. Everything's going well. But then what, what happened then?

Scott: 5:48

Uh, so essentially just the marriage broke down.

Helen: 5:49

Yeah.

Scott: 5:49

Yeah. Um, and it was very amicably, so,

Helen: 5:51

yeah.

Scott: 5:52

So, um. But it was, it was again, an opportunity to give a positive experience to the kids.

Helen: 5:58

Yeah, because I imagine, you know, children who come into care quite often, they have seen the breakdown of relationships. Yes. Haven't they? Yes. They've maybe not seen the best, um, examples of, of healthy relationships. So I suppose that was a, a good opportunity for you to show what an amicable, amicable breakup can, can look like.

Scott: 6:20

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And we, and we, we sat down and we had that full conversation and it was, the communication was always very effective throughout my marriage anyway.

Helen: 6:28

Yeah.

Scott: 6:28

So this was a real big opportunity for us to sit down and say, okay, this is what's gonna be affected.

Helen: 6:33

Yeah.

Scott: 6:33

And we need to make sure the kids don't experience any negatives from it.

Helen: 6:39

Yeah.

Scott: 6:39

Um, and you know, historically, I won't go into detail, but historically there's been previous breakups, uh, which they haven't come, it hasn't been very positive for them.

Helen: 6:48

Mm-hmm.

Scott: 6:49

So. Yeah, this was a really good, uh, opportunity to do that. Yeah. And it's, it's been very good for them, I think.

Helen: 6:55

Yeah. Yeah. So what did you do in the first instance? Did you just ring your social worker and say, look, you know, me and my wife, it's not working out. We're gonna split up. And what, what was the response like?

Scott: 7:04

Well, we actually, um, conveniently, so it was on a Friday, so we had the weekend to discuss and how we wanted to approach it. And, and yeah, we, we contacted them. Our kind of earliest opportunity to have that conversation. Where emotions are kind of a little bit more level.

Helen: 7:20

Yeah.

Scott: 7:21

Um, and the response is a little bit of a shock. Yeah. We were very close with our social worker and, and still is. So when we, and we still are. So it was a little bit of a shock, but then starts the process of the support.

Helen: 7:36

Mm-hmm.

Scott: 7:36

That's the first thing you get.

Helen: 7:37

Yeah.

Scott: 7:38

Are you okay? Is everything okay?

Helen: 7:39

Yeah.

Scott: 7:40

Um, what could we do? What more can we do to support you?

Helen: 7:44

Yeah,

Scott: 7:44

which was lovely to hear actually.

Helen: 7:46

And I suppose one of the main priorities like it is in any relationship with, with birth children, you know, you think about your kids, don't you? Yes. And you think you don't want it, you don't want it to negatively affect them. Mm-hmm. They become the focus really, don't they? So what sort of plan was put in place and, and did you both decide really there and then that you both wanted to stay in fostering?

Scott: 8:08

Yeah. So I, I did take a little, a, a few months to kind of make a decision, um, around work and the new way of life that was gonna come to me. It was, what do I want to do? What's gonna be the best thing? And yeah, the reality of it is we both decided we wanted to stay into it. Um, and it would be two separate, um, we, we become solo carers. Yeah. Essentially. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so yeah, we had to kind of go through the process again. Um, but it wasn't too in depth. But yeah, you, you have to, uh, really. Think about the changes from, not just from the kids and what's good for them. Yeah. But also what's, what's best for you as well.

Helen: 8:40

Yeah. So what's the situation now then? Your, your ex-wife has the, the same children with her? Yes. Yeah. And do you see them at all or,

Scott: 8:48

um, not in terms of a. Agreement.

Helen: 8:52

Yeah.

Scott: 8:52

Um, it's, they, they live still very live very close to me.

Helen: 8:54

Right,

Scott: 8:55

okay. So in the, in the holidays you see them out and about. Yeah. And they, they come up and they say hello, and, and, and that's not, that's not a problem. Yeah. Like I have no issue with that, but there's no actual agreement in place where I would go over and see them or I have them, uh, for weekends or anything. There's, there's none, none of that agreement for sure. Yeah. No,

Helen: 9:10

it was agreed that it was more stable for them really to, to have your, your ex-wife as, as the primary carer and keep it that way. Yeah.

Scott: 9:17

Yeah. And, and stability was a big conversation point. Yeah. We really wanted things to be stable. Um, and we didn't wanna be disruptive Yeah. To the, to the, um, the children's growth because Yeah. We were also coming to the point where schools were changing.

Helen: 9:32

Yeah.

Scott: 9:33

Um, new friends were coming in, new friends were going out. They were starting to get incredibly settled. Um, so it was a little bit of a difficult time for them, but also at the same time. We worked it extremely well. Yeah. To the point where it didn't affect them too

Helen: 9:46

much. Yeah. I was gonna say, how did the children respond?

Scott: 9:49

I think because of the history mm-hmm. They understood Yeah. What it meant and kind of what was gonna, what was gonna happen in the future. Yeah. That there'd be some changes. And they were so used to it. They, they were so, so resilient and kids are super resilient. Right. Until they're not. But they were very. Very resilient to the whole situation and I think them seeing the process of them still being able to come over and see me whenever kind of I'm, yeah. You know, getting back from work or something.

Helen: 10:16

Yeah.

Scott: 10:17

It helped them a lot. Yeah.

Helen: 10:19

Yeah. And it was helpful, as we said before, to to see that healthy way of, um, of breaking up.

Scott: 10:24

Yes. Yeah,

Helen: 10:25

yeah,

Scott: 10:25

yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. It's really important for 'em to see.

Helen: 10:27

Yeah. So what's your situation now as a foster carer then? You are a respite carer.

Scott: 10:31

Yes. Yeah. So a respite carer. Yeah.

Helen: 10:32

Yeah. So why have you decided to do that? How does it fit into your life?

Scott: 10:36

Well, same kind of reason really as the beginning. I wanted to make sure I have, I'm giving something back.

Helen: 10:40

Yeah.

Scott: 10:41

You know, I was left with, um. When you're kinda living, when you go from having a full house to then having just you on your own.

Helen: 10:50

Yeah.

Scott: 10:50

Um. It's a bit quiet, you know, the silence can be deafening.

Helen: 10:54

Yeah.

Scott: 10:54

Uh, and I wanted to give, give something back. Of course. So I was like, I have, I have the room in the house, you know? Yeah. And it's always nice to have a, a like a little guest room set up and

Helen: 11:03

Yeah.

Scott: 11:03

And I, and the way I've got it set up at the moment is it's kind of like a. Like a hotel room experience. Like when you're a child, the most exciting thing is to go to a hotel room and you know

Helen: 11:13

Yeah, yeah. Still is as natural

Scott: 11:14

mess around. Yeah, I know, I know. It absolutely is. Um, so I wanted to kind of set it up with, with a kind of a home away from home, but also like a holiday experience. Yeah. So it's nice to, to do that and, and give children that experience because there's not many. Yeah. Even if they're only with me for a weekend or yeah, maybe a week at a time. At least they can have some element of difference and

Helen: 11:36

yeah,

Scott: 11:37

a different way of life. Bit positivity and you know, I'm a very active person, so I'm always out and about and it's always nice to have them kind of come along with me.

Helen: 11:45

So Have you had a child to come to live with you yet?

Scott: 11:47

So since I started rest, I can stay with you. Not yet.

Helen: 11:49

No.

Scott: 11:50

Um, and that has an element that's mainly because. Work as well. Yeah. As, uh, as the, the, it's not always the right thing that pops up.

Helen: 11:59

Yeah.

Scott: 12:00

Yeah. So in terms of maybe not just the child itself, but the maybe their requirements.

Helen: 12:06

Mm-hmm.

Scott: 12:06

Yeah. So. Timing maybe.

Helen: 12:09

Yeah.

Scott: 12:09

Yeah.

Helen: 12:09

So for anybody who's watching or listener who's maybe not familiar with what respite is mm-hmm. What sort of situations bring, brings a child to, you know, stay with you for a couple of weeks? Or is it sometimes just a couple of nights?

Scott: 12:21

Yeah. So it could be one night, two nights. Yeah. Um, I think the most kind of common one is on a Friday. They'd kind of come over after school and then they'd get dropped back off at school on the Monday. Yeah. Um, so it's just kind of a weekend thing really.

Helen: 12:33

So is if it like the, the main, um, the main carers mm-hmm. Um, they're having, you know, a weekend away or something like that. Is it, is

Scott: 12:41

that sort of Yeah, it could be situation, it could be a number of factors. Yeah. So I think the, the main one is if, for example, the children don't have a passport. You know, the, the foster carers are good. It's still gonna go on holiday. Yeah. Because of course they still have their, their, uh, their life to live, I guess, in a way. Um, so yeah. So it's something a little bit different. Like they, they can't go somewhere. They, they need somewhere else to go. Yeah. Or, um, maybe the children just wanna break and they've been with their, maybe they're in long-term care. And they've been there for quite a while. Maybe they're starting to get a little bit unsettled.

Helen: 13:10

Yeah.

Scott: 13:10

And they want a little bit of a break and then they go somewhere else. And that could be a regular thing, you know?

Helen: 13:14

Yeah. So you can sort of build up a, a relationship with a child or children where you see them maybe a couple of times a year or something.

Scott: 13:21

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I think, um, the one thing we look at the moment is. Once a month.

Helen: 13:27

Oh, right. Okay.

Scott: 13:27

It's kind of one weekend that's scheduled every month.

Helen: 13:29

Oh, wow.

Scott: 13:30

Um, which certainly makes life a lot easier.

Helen: 13:32

Yeah.

Scott: 13:32

For, for scheduling and, and it's, it's good for the children as well. Yeah.'cause if they're struggling, then they know that they can, in a few weeks they have a break.

Helen: 13:40

Yeah.

Scott: 13:40

Yeah. Which

Helen: 13:40

is, so how are you feeling about that?'cause you're sort of on the precipice of that, aren't you? And obviously you've previously had children with you longer term. Mm-hmm. You know, how, how are you feeling going into that?

Scott: 13:49

I'm, I'm super excited. I mean, I'm talking to my. Social work all the time. I'm like, you know, have we, have we got something happening? Yeah. Something right? Are we, is there something work in the works? And it's always, it's always very exciting and I'm, I'm just, I'm ready for it. Yeah. Like I, I, I want it to happen now. Um, and of course there's, there's, there's challenges around timing with, with work and things, but, um. It's gotta work for, for everyone. But I'm, yeah, I'm super excited, super excited.

Helen: 14:12

And what do you imagine for the future, Scott?'cause obviously things change. Your, your work situation might change. Mm-hmm. You might be able to have a child or children longer term again. Do you, do you see things maybe possibly changing for you as time goes on?

Scott: 14:25

It's difficult to say. Yeah. I think at the moment, um, I'm very engrossed in my career.

Helen: 14:30

Yeah.

Scott: 14:32

But I certainly don't wanna stop the fostering side of things as well. So I think it's always gonna be a part of my life, and regardless of what decisions I make in the future, I think it's always gonna be around. So I'll base my. What, what I can do, I'll base it on what I am doing in terms of fostering as well.

Helen: 14:47

Yeah.

Scott: 14:47

Um, so for example, if I was offered a position where I have to move away, it's probably not something that I would pursue because I'd like to stay here and foster.

Helen: 14:54

Yeah.

Scott: 14:54

Yeah.

Helen: 14:55

I think you're such a good role model though, for people maybe listening or watching who think I really would like to give back. Mm-hmm. I really would like to have children in my life. Maybe they haven't been able to, you know, have children in their life for what one reason or another. Um. And I think sometimes you think, oh, well I couldn't do it because of this or this, or because I travel with work. Mm-hmm. Or whatever. But it really can be for anyone, can't it? You, you can fit it into your life, can't you? Yeah,

Scott: 15:21

absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And, and people think it's very restrictive, but actually there's so much flexibility around it. And you have the freedom of choice. You know, you, you don't have, you're not forced into these situations that you are not comfortable in. You know, you are really put first and. I mean, yeah. I'm, I am away a lot with work. I travel a huge amount with work. I'm always somewhere or other in the world.

Helen: 15:44

Yeah.

Scott: 15:44

Um, but there's always an opportunity, always an opportunity. And I really don't think there's a, there's many, uh, things that should stop you from doing it.

Helen: 15:53

Yeah,

Scott: 15:53

for sure.

Helen: 15:54

And we've talked a lot about, you know, giving back, um, it being rewarding. What have been the, the most rewarding parts of, of fostering for you? Is there anything that sticks out?

Scott: 16:07

I would say being able to give the children new experiences that they would never have had previously.

Helen: 16:12

Yeah.

Scott: 16:13

Um, just like having a day at the zoo, going to the aquarium. Yeah. Just the sim, the simplistic things of being a child

Helen: 16:22

Yeah.

Scott: 16:22

That everyone should have the benefit of benefiting from.

Helen: 16:25

Yeah.

Scott: 16:26

It's a simple, simple answer to the question, I guess. But that's it. I think that's all it needs.

Helen: 16:30

I can imagine you are quite fascinating to children as well, you know, especially 'cause you travel so much and stuff that you've probably got lots of stories

Scott: 16:38

to tell. Yeah, I, I have a, I have quite a, um, I guess I won't get. Too much into what I do, but, uh, I, I, it's based around boats a lot.

Helen: 16:45

Oh, right,

Scott: 16:46

okay. So yeah. So it's, uh, it's always quite a fascinating conversation with children. Yeah, that's interesting about what I do stuff to talk

Helen: 16:50

about. Yeah.

Scott: 16:51

Yeah.

Helen: 16:51

So if anybody was watching all listen in there and they're thinking about it and they're not sure, you know, how would you encourage someone to just go for it, Scott?

Scott: 16:59

I would say just, you don't have to just dive into the deep end.

Helen: 17:03

Yeah.

Scott: 17:04

You can start in the, in the shallow end and, and work your way out.

Helen: 17:07

Beautiful analogy.

Scott: 17:08

Thank

Helen: 17:08

you. Yeah.

Scott: 17:09

Yeah. It's such a simple way of putting it.

Helen: 17:11

Yeah.

Scott: 17:12

Um, you have the opportunity to ask as many questions as you want. So, and it all starts with. With one, uh, one phone call.

Helen: 17:19

Yeah. One conversation

Scott: 17:21

really. So, and, and having a conversation about a new opportunity never hurt anybody.

Helen: 17:24

Yeah. And I, and I think something we always go back to as well is that it, it doesn't mean it has to happen now. It's like you can have that conversation and then maybe decide, actually it's not the right time for me or my family right now. Mm-hmm. But it starts that ball rolling, doesn't it?

Scott: 17:39

Yeah, exactly. And there's so many different types of fostering.

Helen: 17:42

Yeah.

Scott: 17:43

There's fostering for everybody.

Helen: 17:45

Yeah.

Scott: 17:45

You know, there is something that will work for you and you just may not know it yet.

Helen: 17:49

Yeah. Well, it's been wonderful to chat to you today, Scott. Thank you so much for joining us.

Scott: 17:53

Yeah. And you. Thank you.

Helen: 17:55

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering group and make this the year you foster.