Voices of Fostering

Mandy - Beyond 18: How Her Home Became a Lifelong Haven

• National Fostering Group • Season 4 • Episode 25

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In this episode of "Voices of Fostering," Helen sits down with Mandy to explore her remarkable journey as a foster carer. Mandy shares how she found her calling later in life, the challenges and joys of fostering as a single carer, and the deep bonds she’s formed with the young people in her care.

Discover how Mandy navigated loss, embraced new beginnings, and created a loving home that extends beyond the age of 18 through the “Staying Put” scheme. Hear her insights on resilience, the importance of support networks, and why fostering is about so much more than just providing a place to stay.

If you’re considering fostering, supporting care leavers, or simply want to be inspired by a story of love and perseverance, this episode is for you.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering. Today I'm joined by Mandy. Hello Mandy. Hi there. Hi, Helen. Oh, so Mandy, it's lovely to have you on the podcast. Mandy and I have, um, met virtually a couple of times, uh, on some of our, uh, virtual, um, information evenings that we do. But it's really good to have you on so we can have a good old chat about you and your journey through fostering. So you've been a foster carer for nearly four years now. So tell us a little bit about, um, how you came to fostering.

Mandy:

Um, well, as. A kind of long journey, really. Um, 'cause I've lived a bit of a longer life than some others. Um, but yeah, I decided, um, that it was the right time when I was 63 rather than earlier. Um, I had, um, wanted to have children, but I couldn't have my own, uh, children, even though I had two attempts at IVF, uh, in my. Middle thirties. Um, and then my wife and I decided that we were gonna adopt 'cause we wanted children in our lives. And we applied to a local authority. This was in the late nineties. Um, we were actually a first same sex couple that they'd taken on, which you wouldn't imagine now. Yeah. But that, that was the case there. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and then, um, yeah, we went through the kind of process and, um, we accepted, um, as part of that. And then unfortunately, my wife got breast cancer in 2001. So really, um, we had to focus on her journey. Yeah. And we were told by the, uh, local authority that we couldn't adopt or they wouldn't consider us until my wife was five years post-cancer. So kind of a, given our ages coming up to, you know, late thirties. She was five years older than me and 'cause of her health, we decided to move house, do upper house travel, do do stuff like that. Um, and then, yeah, later on in 2013, unfortunately her cancer came back and, and, and she unfortunately passed away. So I moved, moved house from London, um, down to Essex and yeah, I kind of spent my time, my work, I've got a professional career. I love my job. Um, and I didn't want to retire or give anything up. So decided then at 63, well, I've got a big heart and a big house.

Helen:

Yeah.

Mandy:

So let's give it a go.

Helen:

Yeah, absolutely. And I suppose it was about finding the right time for you, wasn't it, Mandy? Because of course, you know. You weren't, in many ways, you will still be grieving and you, and you, you needed to, to give yourself the time to, to process everything.

Mandy:

Yeah, absolutely. And I think, um, once I made that decision, then I was all in and talking to, to my friend, a friend, even before I said I was gonna do it, said, don't worry Mandy, I'll be your second. She said, whatever, I'll be your backup.

Helen:

Yeah.

Mandy:

And it was like, it was kind of being given permission, you know? Um, so I applied, uh, to the National Fostering Group. They put me in touch by my local agency, brighter Futures. Somebody saw me. Then the obviously long laborious process, which is very intrusive. An opportunity to talk about yourself. Yeah. And yeah, and I started the journey, but I would not have been able to do it without my friend Billy. As my backup, not just for me to be able to go to, but also backup from my, from my, for my young person. Yeah. Who needs to be picked up from here or from college or, yeah. She's got trouble with a, a snake and the, the tank it's in and all that sort of thing. So yeah. So she was very helpful and honestly I would not have done it with without her. And everybody needs a second. Yeah.'cause there's a single carer. You, you do need that second person to be able to rely on. And whilst I've got wonderful family, you know, it's, it's yes. Special having that other special person with you. So, yeah. So it's maybe

Helen:

your person that supports you. So if you've maybe, you know, you wanna go away for a couple of days, or you just wanna go out for the evening, they'll, they'll look after your child for you. Yeah,

Mandy:

yeah, yeah. Now for me, I've al always wanted teenagers. So, and I've had two young people, but I've had a 16-year-old with me, which is not, well since she was 16. She's now 19. So I'm not really a foster care at this moment in time because she's an adult. Not technic in, no. Right.

Helen:

Yeah. So this is what you wanted to talk about, isn't it, uh, Mandy, about, about, you know, the, the sort of the end of the fostering journey. But it, it doesn't end, does it? It can't because those young people still need support in their lives. Don't they? So, so tell us about your experience with, um, what, what we call

Mandy:

staying put. So that was really what I wanted to talk about because that magical age of 18. It looms for all of us, to be honest. All of us want to be 18, want to have this magical whatever we think it's going to be. Um, and that's the same for any ch and especially probably children in care, because it's kind of, it feels like that's that freedom from restriction and all those sorts of things. But when we leave, when we leave home, you know, I'm not a care leaver. You know, I might leave my, my family's going to college or, or go to work somewhere else, but I, I'm not a care leaver because my care of my family goes with me. Continues. Yeah. And I, you know, in, into the future and, and sup carries on supporting me. But that kind of age when, when young people in care are coming up to 18, you know, what do they do? What do they not do? Where are they going to live? Are they gonna move from where their, their place to, to their original local authority? Now for us, we had a, a, a quite a dilemma in individually and individually and together. So around when they were 17 and a half, the social worker were talking about different ways of being 18 and what they wanted, what they didn't want, um, and it was also whether they wanted to stay with me, whether they wanted to move and live in London, et cetera, et cetera. What would be on offer? What would college, college look like in London as opposed to Essex? All those sorts of things. And also for me, it was okay, so I stopped being a foster carer. I stopped being with Brighter Futures. What does that mean for me financially? Um, having a purpose, not having her in my life. How could I support her into the future? A whole range of things for me as well as obviously, um, for her. So we went and looked at the staying put and social worker explained it all, and it just felt the right thing. They were not ready to be leaving. They were not ready to be going off into, um, a bed set in Tottenham. At this moment in their lives. And for me, I've been, I've very lucky, I've got a professional career, I've got a job. So fostering for me is being a parent, not being a job.'cause I don't need a job. So, and I was fortunate enough to know that going on to staying put, I would just get her housing benefit. She would have Universal Credit College bursary. Um, but I wouldn't get any support, Melanie, to support her. But that in a sense didn't matter to me. For a lot of people, it would be very important. Mm-hmm. So we decided at that magical age of 18, that we would instigate small changes, as in they might cook twice a week now. But we didn't go into making like, there's your food cupboard. You've got to now have that. I'm a landlady. You are my tenant. You know, you got to, we didn't bring in because we were a, we were family. Yeah. So, you know, it was, but there was lots of dilemmas during that time. Mm-hmm. But I think once we'd agreed and settled. We settled into our new, new routine and we've had been, that's been a year now. Yeah. So, so I

Helen:

suppose it's like in, in many biological families as well, when you get to 18 or 19, your parents might want to start taking board off you to, you know, to instill responsibility in you. So it was quite similar really, wasn't it?

Mandy:

Yeah, it's the same sort of thing. So, um, yeah, she gives me an allowance per, um, per month. Um, and we now do, I cook during the college days in the middle of the week 'cause she gets home late. Then it will be two cooks for me, two nights, and then we do our own thing two nights. So, and all the other stuff that, you know, daily chores and all that carry on as they always have done. And I think over time, like in the next year. We'll put extra changes in extra responsibilities and doing own shop and doing all those sorts of things so that it's kind of, I got to push her away really, you know? Mm-hmm. And it's the kind of stuff that, that I was lucky to have instilled in me. Um, and I think that kind of strong parenting, I've noticed that they are now starting to parent others. In certain actions and certain words of phrases, and I think to myself, I'm sure I said that.

Helen:

It's repeating itself. Yeah. Oh, that must feel really nice. There must be a real sense of, um, of achievement in that.

Mandy:

Yeah. Yeah. It is. I think the kind of nurturing, I think 18 for, for some young people, they're very grown up. They're very mature. But for some of our children, they carry such trauma around with them. That, and, and they might have, you know, be on the spectrum, whether they're autistic or, or have PTSD, you know, all those kind of things. And that doesn't change when they're 18. It's just, it, it imposes even more because it's something that is, they're always gonna struggle and manage. So then having the extra burden of being lonely, living alone when they've always been, somebody's always been there. Um, managing all those letters that come through the post. What does this mean? You know, there's an appointment at two o'clock. Well, they would've missed it because they didn't actually read the letter. So it's kind of health appointments, it's kind of learning to take that sense of responsibility. And I know a lot of young people can't do that until they actually experience it and learn from their mistakes. Mm-hmm. But I think with a, just a bit of helping hand in nurturing. Those kinds of sense of confidence, taking responsibility. Um, I think for some young people they need that extra time. Before they're kind of ready to, to move on.

Helen:

Yeah. To fully spread their wings. Yeah, absolutely. So as you say, you, you aren't technically a foster carer at the moment, but you still have your young person staying put with you. Would you consider having another child or young person come to live with you, Mandy?

Mandy:

Not while I've got. My, my young person because I think we've got a special relationship and, and when they came to me, they only wanted to be with one single Yeah. Um, carer.

Helen:

Yeah.

Mandy:

So I think, but I mean, brighter Futures has been fantastic. I mean, they've kept me on, they provide lots of support and advice, supervising social worker, a fantastic therapeutic support group. Monthly I have access to all the training. So I think they're bargaining on me, but it depends when, when that becomes available and whether I, um, yeah. Whether I'm ready for, yeah. For, for doing that. So, and you know, and I'm gonna, you know, in the next couple of years I'll be heading towards 70. So I kind of, I'm dealing with the here and now. Um, but I am grateful to them keeping me on because it's a good support network.

Helen:

Yeah.

Mandy:

Especially when you're staying put, you've got very little contact with social worker. You're supporting your young person and I think sometimes it's nice to be able to, you know, talk to somebody at your family, you know, how you're feeling and stuff. So, so yeah, I never say never.

Helen:

Yeah. See what happens. So reflecting back on the last four years of, of your fostering mandate, what, what would you say you've learned about yourself? You know, um,

Mandy:

resilience, uh, to walk away down the garden path when you need to. Um. That the one thing and the main thing you can do for your young people is to be strong and provide a safe space. When young people come, they're not instantly gonna be warm to you, need you, want you, and sometimes that takes a little time to develop. And in my experience, you know that that has paid off. And I suppose, you know, making sure that, that you, you kind of work in a therapeutic way if you can do, I mean, I have professional career and a background that has enabled me to do that. Um, and I pulled actually on a lot of that, the things I did with children and young people before, um, who have experienced a lot of trauma. And I thought, yes, I worked in that way. And so I kind of pulled in a lot of that. That, that, that knowledge and information. But I think resilience and strength and having a good sense of humor, I think always helps. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and laughing at yourself and, and usually my young people laugh at me because half the time I, I forget things and I, I get names around the wrong way and I say certain stupid things that is not very cool, you know, but it's. Yeah. It's the ordinary things. I think. Um, I've, yeah, it's the ordinary things. I think I've, uh, got to my age when I think, well, yeah, I'm able to, I'm able to, to, to give and, and not worry too much about what people think of me anymore.

Helen:

Yeah.

Mandy:

Yeah, because I can be, um, I can be a cranky, you know, older person, you know? I can, I can, I've thrown into my own skin, if you like. Yeah. Um, and, and, and It's okay. It's okay.

Helen:

You know, and Mandy, you know, you've created this family unit now, which I suppose has been a long time coming for you, hasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it has. And I'm sure your, your wife is in your heart and mind all the time, isn't she? What? It's

Mandy:

everywhere around. Yeah. Yeah. What do you

Helen:

think she'd be thinking about it? Or do you think she'd be really proud of you?

Mandy:

When my, my young person first came, I've always talked about her. So, and she's everywhere. There's pictures, there's all her artwork everywhere. There's her pottery and sculptures. And what what's been lovely is, is some of the artwork that my young person's done, she'd sometimes sit at the table and she'd say, because she'd done art at college, first of all. And she'd say, do you think Netty would like what I'm doing? Oh, and I say she'd be absolutely delighted with what you're doing. And what's wonderful for me is my wife's easel, big, big easel is in the lounge now. Oh, wow. Because my girl's been doing some big, big artwork. Yeah. In charcoal and it's, it's just, yeah, just fabulous. So to see her stuff being used. Yeah. You know, it's like she is definitely part of, part of everything. Yeah. And it's not, which is, which is

Helen:

wonderful. It's, isn't that wonderful that your young person feels like she knows Netty as well, and, and she's part of the family? Yeah.

Mandy:

Yeah. Absolutely. It's brilliant. I mean, yeah. She is the daughter I never had.

Helen:

Yeah.

Mandy:

You know, and I've got wonderful nieces. I've got wonderful goddaughter. I, you know, and Godsons and honestly, you know. Fabulous young people in my life. But yeah, she is the daughter I've never had. And so, and, and my, my view of fostering was to, I didn't want to have lots of children. I know that sounded funny when you foster because that children move on.

Helen:

Yeah.

Mandy:

But what I wanted was a young person that I could see into the future Yeah. That I could continue to support if I was lucky enough to, to do that. And, and I've been very lucky to, to have that really. And yeah, it. I'm sure I will be popping up to London various times when she does move or yeah, if she does move from me, well, and, and if not, if not, I'll be leaving her here and I'll be going off track while she

Helen:

was on even her life. Yeah. Yeah. And that's it. You know you are in each other's lives now, aren't you? It's not going to end like you've got a relationship now and that's forever. And I think staying put

Mandy:

has given us that. I think, you know, if, if you can, if you do have the opportunity to financially, to do it and have it, because again, you know, there are those little bits that, that you pay for that aren't part and parcel of, of fostering. So I think if you, if you do have the opportunity to continue to support a young person, then. Then I think you know that, that that is the way to go. So I'm glad to, to be on the, on the scheme and that will last as long as we want it to last up until she's 21. So there will be then a time pressure on us to, to look at what we do then. So. But we'll,

Helen:

we'll

Mandy:

deal

Helen:

with that when, when we, when we can't just cross that bridge when you come to it. Yeah. Oh, well, Mandy, it's been so lovely speaking to you today and hearing about your story and, and best of luck with the future. Lovely. Thank you, Helen. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering group and make this the year you foster.