Voices of Fostering

Marisol - Finding Family Through Fostering: A Story of Music, Growth, and Love

• National Fostering Group • Season 4 • Episode 24

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Join us for a heartfelt episode of "Voices of Fostering" as Helen sits down with Marisol, a dedicated foster mum, to discuss the transformative power of music, the challenges and joys of fostering, and the journey of building a family through love and resilience.

In this episode, Marisol shares how music has helped her bond with her foster son, the importance of self-care for foster carers, and the life lessons she’s learned along the way. Discover how fostering has brought new friendships, personal growth, and a sense of belonging to Marisol and her family.

Whether you’re considering fostering, already on the journey, or simply looking for an inspiring story, this conversation offers valuable insights and encouragement.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering Today. I'm joined, uh, by Sol, who's come back'cause she loved it so much last time. Hello Sol. Hi Helen. Nice to see you again. Oh, you too, Sol. So yeah, we think it was over a year ago when you were last on the podcast, and you just told me before we started recording that quite a lot's happened, hasn't it? So tell us what, what's your year been like? Have you've been really busy?

Marisol:

Oh, yeah. It's, it's been, it's been mad. Um, there's, there's been lots of things happening personally, um, with. Uh, you know, music involvement. Um, uh, my foster son and I, we, we've. Managed to bond quite a lot through music. Um, we joined, well, I was already part of, um, sing with Loath, uh, which is a local community choir here in Armadale. Um, and when I noticed that he was more and more, you know, asking questions about it and you could hear him s singing in his room, I'm like, do you know what? Why don't you just come over and we'll. We'll see, you know, if, if you like it, great if not, and he's been there ever since. Ha ha. Um, and uh, Lorna, who's our choir director, just absolutely loves him to bits and everyone has really embraced him. And I think music has just been such a great thing 'cause it's helped build his confidence. It's helped build our relationship. Um. Because for somebody who has, you know, a learning disability and autism and things like that, it can be really difficult to communicate. So having music as kind of a. A go between makes it a lot easier to be able to communicate with him. Um, so yeah, it's, it's, it's been amazing. Um, loads, loads of things. You know, I've, I was lucky enough to participate in the tattoo, uh, the Edinburgh military tattoo this year. Wow. Um, singing as part of a choir, um, on, on the steps of the Esplanade, which was just exhilarating. Um. Uh, I, I sang at, uh, the, the hydro for Skip ish, uh, again with a bunch of choir members and yeah, it's just, it's been constant on the go all the time.

Helen:

Brilliant. So just remind us then, Sol, you and your wife, Michelle, you've been foster carers for, is it five years now and you've had five year, yeah, five years going on to six, yeah, nearly six years. And you've had. Two children live with you during that time, is that right? One of which your son is now with you permanently. So tell us a bit about that.

Marisol:

Yeah, so, um, so our son's, uh, been with us for four years now. Um, he, he's 16, uh, turning 17 actually next month. Um, so there's a lot involved with that because in, in Scotland he's now at an, at an age where he's considered an adult. Um, so it's now starting to prepare for, you know, what happens next for him in adulthood and help him create the most, um, you know, stable environment for him, for when he's ready to leave the nest, as it were. Um, but yeah, he's just, he's been growing leaps and bounds. He's doing so well in school. Um, you know, for him, for the challenges that he has. He's in mainstream school. Um, and he's, he's just been, you know, striving and working really hard to get his, um, pass all of his exams and that, and he's, yeah, he's just, he's very proud of himself and I think. Initially we wondered how much he would be able to achieve, but he is achieving all the milestones that we all thought he, he might struggle with, and it's just, it makes me so, so proud.

Helen:

Yeah. And it's so beautiful as well, son Soul, that he's your son, isn't he? Now he's been living with you for four years and he he's very

Marisol:

much your son. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Definitely to, to the extent where sometimes the, the teenage attitude I could just. You know, um, but I think if, I think we've got that relationship where we can be really open and honest with each other and we can, you know, get annoyed with each other and still know that regardless, we're gonna love each other. Yeah. Right. It doesn't matter, traditional, doesn't matter how angry he gets or what tantrums he throws, or if he, you know, slams the door, whatever, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna love him any less, or anybody in my family's gonna love him any less. Um, we, we kind of, we learn to, um, accept each other's faults and, um, through our mistakes, learn how to, to do things better. Um, and that includes the adults as well, because I'm not per perfect. I make mistakes all the time. And I think it's really important to acknowledge that, um, for him so that he knows, oh, actually, okay, my parents made a mistake, but this is how they dealt with it, you know? Um. So, yeah, it's, it's, it's been a learning curve, but he's absolutely 100% my son and Yeah. And my wife's son and my dad's grandson and so on and so forth. Yeah. Um, and, and that's not gonna change even if he does decide that, yeah, I wanna move out now and I wanna be a big boy Yeah. And what have you. Yeah. And so,

Helen:

because it's interesting what you touched on before, Saul. You know, when a, a child who has been in care gets to 17 or 18, um, they. There is something called a staying pot order, isn't there where they can stay with you? Um, but for children in care, it's interesting, isn't it? Because it's amazing that he is at a point now where he has a family, you guys who. You know, you're not just going to let him go off. You know, you, you've, you've built that, um, that family haven't you, and that support around him and, and that's just what we want from fostering,

Marisol:

isn't it? Absolutely. I think, I think since he became 16, obviously there's talks in school about, you know, you're being an adult, and so he, he. We've heard conversations from him saying, oh, I'm an adult now and I can do this, and I can do that. And um, and it, and it really is having those conversations of, you do realize that if you move out, you have to pay gas, electric. Yeah. You have to pay for the ending net so that you can play on your PlayStation and you have to pay for, you know, ev all the services, all the electricity, the roof over your head, your own food. And he's like, oh, okay. And then it's things like, um, we have a dishwasher, not everybody does, and we're lucky to have one. So, um, one of his chores is that he fills the dishwasher. And I said, you know, you do realize that if you move out, a dishwasher isn't standard in a property. You know, it's called a sink. Oh, so I have to wash dishes. So it was like realization. So I think, um. For us, if, if it's something that he's really thinking about and he really wants to sort of move forward in a couple of years time of moving out, we are actually having conversations about potentially converting the back garden. So we have a summer house back there at the moment. Oh, okay. Um, and I keep seeing on my like social media feeds of these like, um, static. Uh, like little apartments that just get put in back gardens and I'm thinking, oh, I wonder.

Helen:

Yeah, so I think so he could live independently, but still with your, you know, support Not too far away. Yeah, absolutely.

Marisol:

Yeah. So that way he has his sort of bit of independence, his own little, little space. But he has the comfort that if anything, you know, if he ever needs anything, we are literally just down the bottom of the garden. Um. So, yeah, so there's, we're having talks of that.

Helen:

Yeah. That sounds like the ideal setup for him. Um, so Saul, you are quite passionate, yourself really, aren't you? About foster carers, um, making sure that they keep on top of their self-care. I feel like self-care is a real buzz phrase at the moment, isn't it? But it's really important, isn't it? Tell, tell us about that.

Marisol:

Yeah, I mean, look, being a foster care is not easy. You know, we, we essentially have to wear our heart on our sleeve, and we need to open up our homes to people that we, we don't know to children, young people that we don't know that, that might have really complex needs. Um, you know, our foster son is a two to one, you know, which means that he requires. Attention and help with everything throughout his daily life, and that can be quite taxing. Um, so for me, music has always been my therapy. It feeds my soul. It sort of recharges my batteries and without music and singing and, you know, having that interaction of, you know, singing with a choral group, I think I would struggle. Right. Um, and so I think it's important to. Not lose myself in this process. Yes, I'm a foster mom and I'm very, very proud of, of doing what I do and I'm very proud of having, um, our, our son living with us and calling him my son. Um, it's not an easy job, but I also wanna make sure that I don't lose myself in the process. Um, and so music is the main thing that keeps me going. Yeah.

Helen:

So tell us a bit, a bit about your music. You know, how much time does it take up for you? Oh, gosh,

Marisol:

a lot. I think my family would say that I'm always singing, there's, there's always music going on in the house. Even if I'm, you know, having five minutes to myself and I'm reading a book, I'm still listening to music in the background and I'm still thinking of like. Oh, this is the next choral piece we could do. Um, you know, and I'm constantly working on the next project. So, um, for example, at the moment, um, I've, uh, started a, a joint venture with my Boko coach, Alan and Genie. She is a brilliant, brilliant choral director. Um, and we are starting up a new choir come January time. We've already got a few members, um, but it. It just means that, you know, my brain's constantly on the go of, all right, okay, what, what could we do and what's our sound gonna be like? Um, and we've recently just picked out our, our names. So we're gonna be called Heartland Voices. Um, so I'm really proud of it. So it, it's all these sort of things that I'm really sort of delving into and, and putting myself out there. And I, and I think it's important to do that as well, um, in our foster son's eyes because. It shows that even though things can be a bit daunting or a bit scary, you know, 'cause being up on stage, you, you do put yourself out there. Um, and it sh it shows him that, you know, if we work hard and we keep trying and, you know, things can start to happen and, um, and, and the good things, um, so I couldn't put a time to it. I'm always doing something, um, in between, you know, the admin stuff that I have to do with a and yeah, just family time and what have you.

Helen:

Yeah. And it, and it is a busy role, isn't it? There is admin to do, there is a lot to manage, but I think it is important for people to realize that you can still have the things in your life that you love and, and you can balance it all can't you? Absolutely. And

Marisol:

it doesn't stop me from, you know, going out and having a, a drink with my friends or, or having a night off where, you know, I can. I give babysitting duties to my brother-in-law, for example, or to my, um, to my dad. Um, it doesn't stop me from booking a holiday. You know, we, we try and go on holidays at least once or twice a year, and recently we went to Mexico with, um, with our foster son, and he got to experience a little bit of my culture being born in Mexico. Um, you know, and so, yeah, there's a serious side of it, but, uh. I think if, if you're able to create that bond with that young person, um, or child, it really just, everything just kind of slots in, right? I, I'm not gonna say that, you know, that will happen with every child that comes into a foster care's home. Sometimes, you know, things just don't click and you just go through the motions. Um, but if you can make the effort to find that, um. That way of bonding with the young person. It really just makes everything so much easier.'cause you're then not doing it just as a job. You're doing it for the wellbeing of everybody involved. You're doing it. Um. You know, because you love that young person or you, or you deeply care about that person. Mm-hmm. Um, so yeah, I would definitely encourage people to, to do, to do that. You

Helen:

very much so don't see this as a job, do you, like this is yours and Michelle's and your foster son's family unit, isn't it now?

Marisol:

Absolutely. Yeah. I, I don't think we ever went into this thinking this is gonna be my job. Um, we knew that there was gonna be work involved in it. Um. And, and we knew that there was be that, you know, we would have people essentially like a boss, you know, so my supervising social worker and, and you know, the agency and what have you. But, um, we definitely don't. View it as a job. It's, it's maybe at first, maybe at first with all the admin stuff and things and trying to get to grips with everything. It was like, oh, this is, this is hard work. But once you get to grips with everything and, and how their systems work and, you know, logging the daily, um. I wanna say diary I, I kind of write, see we have to do logs every day. Yeah. And or weekly as I do now.'cause our foster sons really settled and before it used to be very, um. Factual. It, it's, it's still very factual, but it was very rigid. You know, this is what happened and he woke up at this time and this, you know, that sort of thing. Now, I think with the way things have been changing and progressing, I very much write these logs almost like a diary to him.

Helen:

Yeah.

Marisol:

So that anytime he opens it, it'll say, dear, today you did this. Yeah. And I'm so proud because you did this. And you know, so it becomes more of me writing a bit of a story rather than. Oh, I'm doing an admin job. Yeah. Um, so, so yeah, I think it depends as well, you know, how, how you, your writing style I suppose. Um, and, and how you view things. But that's what works for me and, and I just, you know, I don't see it as a job.

Helen:

It's indicative really, isn't it? Soul of the fact that it goes from being, as you say, quite formal and structured to realizing that you are doing this role with your heart, aren't you? And with with love and care and that connection is, is really building. Absolutely.

Marisol:

Yeah. And you know, again, don't get me wrong, there is times where I can be really annoyed at him and I'm just so crossed and I don't even wanna see him. But that doesn't take away the fact that. You know, I love him and that's, nothing's gonna stop that from happening. And yeah, it's took time for that bond to grow. Um, but I kept myself open, um, to allow that to happen. Um, and it's not easy, but I, you know. I'm, I'm reaping the rewards

Helen:

at the

Marisol:

moment.

Helen:

Yeah, it sounds like you really are Sol. So if anybody was watching or listening and they're maybe, you know, on the cusp of, of, of thinking about getting in touch, they maybe have thought about fostering. How, how would you encourage them to go for it?

Marisol:

Um, I would say, you know, have a conversation with. Anybody that's done a bit of fostering or contact your, your local agencies or local authorities and you know, ask them for information, nobody's gonna force anybody to get into it. But it's super important to, to pick up the phone or send an email and say, look, can I get some more information? Go online, go on YouTube. There's loads of foster cares on YouTube that do these blogs, um, uh, and, you know, talk about their, their daily struggles. Um, social media is, is, is really good for that actually, for sort of being able to express, you know, how challenging, but how rewarding it can be to do something like this. Um, and most agencies will, will find somebody local that might, might be willing to have a chat with who, whoever's thinking about it. Um, I know I, I talk about it all the time, and if I notice that somebody's asking a, a couple more questions, I'm like, do you want some more information? Yeah. So, yeah, I just, it. It can be daunting, but it's not a scary thing. You know? If you're really thinking about it, then just go for it. Yeah. You know, try it, ask the questions and see where it leads you.

Helen:

And you used the word there, rewarding soul, you know? What has fostering

Marisol:

given you? Oh, it's given me friendships. It's given me lifelong friendships, not just with, I'm like the agency and my supervising social worker. I know everybody in the office.'cause I just. I need to be able to like, say hello and, you know, know everybody. So, um, that I've, I've built a lot of really good friendships, um, within the office, um, at fostering relations. Um, I have learned a lot of new skills in myself, um, better communication skills. Um, it has taught me a lot of patience. Um, it has taught me to be able to self-reflect. Um, which in turn has given me a lot of self peace, you know, because I, I know that I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. And, and if I make a mistake, okay, I made a mistake. I learned from it, try not to do it again. Um, it has brought me friendships outside of fostering, um, with like our best friends that lived down the road from us. Uh, if it wasn't for our foster son getting to know their son, we probably would've never talked. And now we go on holidays together. Um, you know, so we literally, we call ourselves the Adams family 'cause we're just all the time all together. Um, so yeah, and I, and I wouldn't, I, I can't imagine my life now without the Smiths, um, or their son. Or our son. Um. So, yeah, it's just, it's brought, it kind of filled a hole, I think, um, having him here and having that role of being called a mom. Um, and everything else that comes with it.

Helen:

Oh, well, Sol it's been so lovely to catch up with you and, and so lovely to, to reflect once again on, on what fostering has brought you and, and how it's added to your yours and your wife's lives. So thank you so much for chatting today and uh, hopefully we'll catch up again sometime in the future. Absolutely. Thank you so much,

Marisol:

Helen. Thanks everyone.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.