Voices of Fostering

Natalie - Making a Difference: The Realities and Rewards of Fostering Teenagers

• National Fostering Group • Season 4 • Episode 23

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Join us for a heartfelt episode of "Voices of Fostering" as we sit down with Natalie, a foster carer with over a decade of experience. Natalie opens up about the unique challenges and profound rewards of fostering, from welcoming sibling groups and teenagers into her home to navigating the ups and downs of placement changes and building lifelong bonds.

In this candid conversation, Natalie shares how fostering has shaped her family, the importance of flexibility and resilience, and the joy of witnessing children grow in confidence and independence. She discusses the realities of supporting children through trauma, the value of respite care, and the lasting impact a caring home can have—even when the journey isn’t always easy.

Whether you’re considering fostering, already on the journey, or simply curious about the lives of foster families, Natalie’s story is filled with honesty, hope, and inspiration.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin and YouTube

Helen:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering. Thank you so much for joining us, and I am delighted to say I've got somebody in the flesh today, which is lovely. Welcome to the podcast, uh, Natalie. Thank you. Hello. Hi, Natalie. Thanks so much for coming. Thank you. So you've been a foster carer for over 10 years, haven't you? Yes. Tell us about that then. Let, let's go right back to the beginning. What was it that made you wanted to, to made you want to decide to be a foster carer?

Natalie:

I think it's something, um, mainly that my husband always wanted to do. Um, he hasn't had children of his own per se, so, um, he helped bring up my son to his stepson. Um, and he'd worked as a youth leader back in the day. And then we both trained as teachers. Wow. Um, and it is just something he was always interested in and he had, he had mooted it, uh, quite a few years, um, when my birth son was about 15. Uh, but it wasn't the right time. And then when he left and went to university, it seemed the right time. We've both worked in education. I've worked with, um, with teenage children for a long, long time, and I am more than aware that it's really hard to place. Teenage children and particularly teenage boys in foster care. Yeah. So it felt like something that we could help with and do. And yeah, we had a, we had a house that was big enough and it was just the two of us. We enjoyed a year, just the two of us, and then decided that

Helen:

yeah,

Natalie:

we could,

Helen:

yeah. I think that's interesting what you're saying, Natalie, about um, it not being the right time, I think sometimes. You know, we think we have to make a decision and just rush right into it. And you know, you, you, you speak to an agency like the National Fostering Group and that's it. You've gotta do it right there. And then sometimes that decision can take several years, can't it? For the time to. To be right.

Natalie:

Yeah. It just felt like the right time. Yeah. For us, that we, we had that to give and we had the space and the time and yeah. It just felt that, and the house was right and yeah, it felt the right time rather than, like you said, rather than rushing into a decision that wouldn't have been.

Helen:

Yeah. And what do you think about the assessment process? Do you remember it 10 years ago?

Natalie:

I remember it clearly, yes. At, at, at the time. You know, we've been through it twice now, so the first time we went through it, we weren't ex. We didn't know what to expect.

Helen:

Yeah.

Natalie:

Um, but the, the. Lady who did it. The woman who did it was fantastic. Um, she was, um, when we said, when she said, you have a preference about what children you would like to take. And we said, teenager boys. She cried because said always happiness. Nobody take, nobody ever said that's, no one said that in all these years. That's say nice, cute little, little ones. That's not how it ended up to begin with. Anyway, but yeah, it was, um. But it, although it, it can feel intrusive, it felt necessarily, so Yeah. It felt like the right thing. And you, you want them to poke into every part of Yeah. Of your life because, you know, they have to know that you're doing it for the right reasons and, you know, it felt like the, the right process and Yeah, definitely. And, you know, we have nothing to hide, so Yeah. You, you're not, it's not

Helen:

intimidating at all. Mm-hmm. And I suppose it can be quite therapeutic as well. Really. And you learn things about each other. If you're doing it as a couple. And about yourself sometimes as well, don't you? You learn things about each other that you didn't know. Yeah,

Natalie:

absolutely. Which is a bit of a, but yeah, you also learn it's, it's quite nice 'cause you learn what other people see of you that you don't necessarily get to know. So you know sort of the references that comes through.'cause of course they do speak to you

Helen:

why the friends and family as well comes. Employers. Yeah.

Natalie:

And, and yeah. And my ex-husband who spoke very highly of me. Yeah. Which just, but you know, they speak to absolutely everybody and you know, it's really nice to sort of look back on that sometimes. Yeah.'cause you know, especially as a, as a teacher, as a profession, you don't get a lot of

Helen:

positive feedback. Yeah. So, yeah. And actually, I'd just like to pick up on the ex-husband thing. That can be quite frightening for some people, can't it? Mm-hmm. Like what? You need to speak to my ex-husband. It's like, yeah, yeah, we do. But people shouldn't be daunted by that, should they? No, not at all. Not at all. Yeah. It's

Natalie:

like it's part of the natural process. Yeah. You know, he's the father of my child and

Helen:

Yeah. And I've had social workers say to me, you know, we are very aware that your ex-husband or or wife or ex-partner might not say the, the. Gracious to things about you. We're completely understanding of that. That's not gonna rule you out of the process, is it?

Natalie:

No, not at all. Not at all.'cause not ev not every breakup is amicable. Yeah. It's just happens that our, you know, our ours was, and yeah. You know, it's about, you know, who I am as a mother more than anything else. You know, whatever our partnership was. It's about, you know, how who I was as a parent.

Helen:

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, people should definitely not be put off by that.'cause I think sometimes that can feel quite daunting when people realize that, you know, they do have to speak to ex-partners. But as you say, it's, it's necessary, isn't it? And, and actually my husband's

Natalie:

ex-partner, you know. That wasn't an Amic couple split. So they spoke to her husbands, that's

Helen:

partner. Um, and you know, that's all part of the course, isn't it's, yeah, absolutely. So going back 10 years, then you've done the assessment, the first child comes to, or children come to live, children with you was two, wasn't there? Had two little brothers. They were

Natalie:

age seven and eight. And what was that like? It was, it was lovely. Um, they had been in temporary care for two years. They were a group of five children, a sibling group of five. And so it had taken a while to decide how they were going to, um. Split the children up. So the eldest two came to live with us. Uh, they were like little mice. They were tiny, little terrified things because it was big and it was, uh, they would, it was very weird.'cause over two years they'd found a place of safety and then they were taken away from the first place where they'd ever felt safe. Um. But they yet, the first time they came to visit, the oldest one bought lots of posters and stuff that he stuck up at his wall and he, he very much marked his place Yeah. Of where he was going to be. And they settled in very, very quickly. We, we. Took them at the beginning of the Easter holidays, uh, 10 years ago. Um, so we had the two weeks over Easter. The school was fantastic, I have to say the primary school were brilliant and the pri the deputy head went into school and invited them into school and gave them a tour of the school during the holidays while it was quiet. Yeah. Um, so they, they understood where they were going and what was going to happen. Yeah. And um, we were very, very lucky 'cause we lived. In the center of Apple Bay where we had the cricket ground right next to us in a field and a swimming pool that you could walk to. So there was lots of stuff they taught. They'd learn to swim within a week, so we took them every day to the baths. Yeah. And, and they learn to swim. Um, and yeah, they had, they had a lot to do and a lot of outside space. Yeah.

Helen:

So they settled really quickly. So what happens, Natalie, when, as you say, they were part of a sibling group of five, they were unfortunately split up from that sibling group. Mm-hmm. What happens with contact with their siblings? Do you, you still try and maintain that?

Natalie:

Yeah. It, it's a very weird situation. The, the next child down went to another foster carer. He has complex medical needs. And the younger two, unfortunately, were adopted, so the contact stops with them. The people who adopted them, there is a way whereby they can still keep in, in touch, but their, um, adoptive parents didn't want that to happen, and it is their choice. They kept in touch with the, the middle child, the next one down, and we maintained family time between the boys and him for many years. Our current child in placement. His brother actually lives with the same child now. Oh, okay. Um, so we saw him at the weekends. Oh wow. So that's, um, it was really nice to see him actually. So we know him as a young adult as well. Yeah. But yeah, so he's still with the same foster care as he went to. 10 and a half

Helen:

years ago. Right. Okay. So yeah, these situations can be kind quite complex sometimes, aren't they? Yes. Quite a lot to manage, but I suppose it's just a case by case basis, isn't it? Ev, every situation that you have encountered over the last 10 years and you'll continue to encounter is never gonna be the same, is it? It's just

Natalie:

every situation is unique. You've

Helen:

just gotta be flexible, haven't you? Yeah.

Natalie:

Absolutely every, yeah, every circumstance is unique in terms of both family, siblings. Yeah. And yeah, you just have to adapt to the circumstances

Helen:

and yeah. So those two little boys that came to live with you 10 years ago, how long did they stay with you for? The eldest was with us for five years.

Natalie:

Yeah.

Helen:

And the younger one was with

Natalie:

us for seven years. Wow. Okay. And you're still in contact with them now? Very much so. Yeah. Yeah. The eldest one comes to stay, um. He loves to come and stay and work with my husband.'cause my husband now works in building and we're, we're doing up a, a house of our own. Actually, he would be here this week, but he's got a massive dog a can Corsa, and we've got a little Springers Spano puppy. And the two, they're not, they're not gonna go on, the two are not gonna to mix. So he can't find anybody to look after his dog. But he's desperate to come back and do a bit of work with my husband. Um, yeah, we, he's in his own flat now, so we took him a load of pans and cooking utensils a few weeks ago. Yeah. And I sent him a list of his favorite foods that he could make in one pot that he used to have at home.

Helen:

Yeah.

Natalie:

Um. And the recipes and yeah. Instructions. So yeah, he's very much part of our life and the younger one phones when he needs money.

Helen:

Yeah. Very typical of children. The bank of foster mom and dad. Yeah, absolutely. But knows that, you know, we're there for them, so. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So after those, those two boys moved on, you know, who, which children did you get to come and live with you next?

Natalie:

We had a break for a couple

Helen:

of years. Yeah.

Natalie:

I mean, to be totally honest, um. The, the, the disruption of the placement wasn't that nice. In the end, birth family were involved and the elder one went into a children's home and he was very angry with the world. He recognizes now that birth family disrupted the placement. He talked about current foster children a couple of months ago and said, if you will ever, ever leave here, it's the worst thing you can ever do. It's the worst decision I ever made. Bless him. But it was, um, it wasn't the most pleasant of times. Yeah. And you know, we'd got. Very attached to them. Yeah. Um, at the same time my dad was dying. Mm-hmm. Um, he had a stroke and then he died of liver cancer. So we took a couple of years break.

Helen:

Yeah.

Natalie:

And then, um. We were going to downsize and not foster anymore. And we sold our house and rented a house near where I worked in Carlisle. And then every house we looked at, we said, oh, too small for children. Yeah. Or we couldn't foster if we got this. Yeah, we need to have an extra extra bedroom kids without just talking about it. We've bought six bedroom house with a top floor where we could have, um, so then we took. Two lovely boys, teenage boys for three weeks respite. Yeah. Uh, while their carer went on holiday. They were absolutely delightful. And that's, yeah. And then an emergency placement. And then over time, um. Another placement and then another two. So, yeah. And who have you got with you now? So we have three boys, right? Age, 12, 14, and 14 as of next week, 13 and 14 and 14. But yeah, three teenage

Helen:

boys. Wow. And, and respite, um, placements. Natalie, what are they like? When they come to us,

Natalie:

yeah. Oh, it, it, it was, it was really lovely because they're very settled where they are. Yeah. Uh, we knew their carer because their carer used to do respite placement for our eldest, uh, original child in care. Um. So we knew their carer. We met them first. We went out to see them at the house, asked about what they wanted to eat. Yeah. As suppose delight. Um, having a dog really helps. They a Oh, we've got a very, very calm, such nice break around. Yeah. Yeah. We've got a very calm springer spaniel who's lovely. I. So that really helped. So they really were excited to meet the dog and no, they settled really quickly. They cried when they had to go back. It was uh,

Helen:

so just remind us what respite care is. Could it just be like when a carers are going on holiday or they're going to hospital or something like that? Yeah.

Natalie:

We've got respite care for our boys in a few weeks.'cause we're going to see our best son in Nottingham.

Helen:

Right.

Natalie:

Okay. Um. And yeah, there's a lot going on there. So we've got some respite care for all three boys. So that's just for a weekend. Sometimes it's just for a night.

Helen:

Yeah.

Natalie:

In this case, uh, the carer wanted a break with her, her immediate family, um, and she wanted to go away for three weeks and it was, she was going to Turkey and she felt it'd be too hot for the boys she had. Right, okay. And they are quite delicate little souls. So, um. And she knew was, I mean that's, yeah, that's a big thing that she knew was, and we knew her. Uh, so she knew they'd be happy and Yeah. And 'cause it is, you know, yeah. It is hard for three weeks. But yeah,

Helen:

I think that's good to know for, you know, carers coming into fostering that it is very flexible like that. There might be something that you need to go to and you can't take your foster children with you. You know, there might be a time when you have to go into hospital or life gets in the way in some way, and there's always a way of managing that, isn't there?

Natalie:

Absolutely, yeah. When we used to have, um, our eldest child in care who, who was with us for five years had quite a difficult time, um, and used to feel very conflicted about sort of. Living with carers rather than birth family. And when he was going through a hard time, he liked to go to respite. Mm-hmm. And we had that support structure in place that if he felt like it was too overwhelming being at home, yeah. He could go and stay with the carer that who we did respite for most of the time. But he had it, it was like a safety net for him. It was somewhere to go and it gave us breathing space and his brother breathing space. So yeah, we've, we've had it for all sorts of reasons. Yeah. My son's wedding at our two of our children placed. Current children in placement. Didn't go to my son's wedding because it had been planned way before they came to live with us. Yeah. So we got respite care Yeah. When we went to the wedding. But yeah, they see it like a little holiday. Yeah. You know, they really enjoy it. Bit little change bit based on mom and dad and your normal, you know?

Helen:

Absolutely. The normal. Yeah. So we've talked about how, you know, sometimes, um, life can be a bit unpredictable. You're not really sure what's gonna happen. You, you have to stay flexible, you know, every situation is different sometimes. Placements don't always work out the way you want them to. And No. And you know, you've got experience of this, haven't you? Mm-hmm. When placements can, can break down. So, can, can you just tell us a little bit about that and the experience you've had of that

Natalie:

with the elder child? When it broke down, it was, um. It was upsetting. It was. He disrupted the placement purposefully because his birth family, who had eventually nine children taken into care thought it was all children's services fault and railed against the system. Um, and. Um, encouraged him to do things that were dangerous and dangerous to us. Um, and, you know, you could see that conflict in him. It was hard to watch it for him as well, but, you know, he, he, he got very quite violent and destroyed his bedroom. We had to have a safe space for his brother to go to, which was our next door neighbors. Um, and you know, it was really upsetting 'cause none of this is his fault and you understand that there's this really hurt little child in there. Um, although he was back big strapping 14-year-old, um. And that was difficult, but you have to, you know, then look after his brother. Uh, and we did for another two years. And then, you know, looking back now, we have such a fantastic relationship with those kids and we are still the only constant in their life. And they remember the time with us. And I think my dad said at the time, my father was a head teacher, and he said afterwards, you've given them five years of looking. What a real family should look like. So you can never take that away from them. Yeah. Five years. We took them to Mexico, we took them to France, we took them to Portugal. Yeah. They were very much a part of our extended family, so matter what goes wrong at the end of it, they had five years of, you know, a functioning happy family. And they recognize that now, you know? Yeah, yeah. And you got there

Helen:

in the end. It was just a difficult journey. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. But life's difficult, you know? It's absolutely, you know, you

Natalie:

don't go on into this thinking it's all going to be plain sailing because you're dealing with, you know, children who've had all sorts of different issues and problems and um, and

Helen:

trauma often. Yeah. Sometimes very complex trauma. Yeah. Yeah. And, and as you say, the journey can be difficult, but why is it worth it, Natalie?

Natalie:

It is hard to describe. Um, you just know you're making a real difference. You're making a real difference, um, to children's lives, um, in a nutshell. But it, it's hard to describe, you know, I. The oldest child that we had who left last time he came to stay with us. We have lots of discussions about now. He's, he's very, very mature in his emotions and feelings and very open about talking about it. And he told me ages ago, you know, I dunno what love's, like, I've never had a relationship where I felt like I loved somebody. And then he went to bed the last time he came and on the way to bed he said, oh, Natalie, I love you. And it was just, that is everything. You know, from a, a strapping a me, six foot, four 19-year-old. Yeah. Um, you know, but yeah, just make knowing that you, you're making that difference to children. Yeah. I have, you know, we have a chaotic household of three very lively boys at the moment, all with very different needs. One who's. Like a Duracell bunny cross with a cocker spaniel puppy, one who has developmental problems, the other one who, um, has been tested for autism but has a other diagnosis that, you know, just can't regulate their emotions, and it all mixes into this chaotic, happy.

Helen:

Household. Yeah. You know, and, and when you said then, Natalie, you know, when your foster son told you he loved you, I could see visibly how that's really touched you. Yeah. How did that feel in that moment?

Natalie:

Oh, it was really emotional. Yeah, really emotional because, you know, you just think, you know, he. He, he was very admitting before that, that he didn't know what love felt like. Yeah. But he does know what it feels like because no matter what, we have never, ever rejected him. We've always been there for him. Mm-hmm. I mean, if it's just lend, we lend him money quite often.'cause he's finding it hard to budget because he's in a, his own home for the first time. Yeah. But, you know, I, I, I wasn't the best at budgeting when I first went to university. You know, it's sort of, you understand all of that. And he pays us back on the dot every time. Before he got an online bank account, he used to send me a picture of him posting the envelope through the letter box to show that he would send to me the money back. I mean, he was, um, yeah. And we'll be there for anything that he needs. But yeah, it just feels that, you know, he's got somebody that he can turn to. Yeah.

Helen:

And you must feel so proud of them, Natalie.

Natalie:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We are very proud. I'm very proud of the, just, just the, yeah. You know, you, you, you, every child that you look after touches you in some way. Yeah.

Helen:

And how long do you think you'll do this for? I know how long's a piece of string. I know as she said, you thought you were probably gonna get the rest and then I was gonna be Tyron teaching as why, and I'm still there twice a week. So I think there's just that nurturing in you that you, you just can't move away from it. It's just part of you

Natalie:

as I'll do it as long as I can. I mean, you know, one of our current children in placement is 14. Probably never live independently. So, you know, I dunno how long he's going to be with us, but, you know, if he's with us until he is 30 and I'm still able to, in some way, semi-independently, you know, the, the plan is that we'll always be sort of in the background for him. In some, I mean, as we are with. Yeah,

Helen:

and the reason of course we do this podcast, Natalie, is we, we want to inspire people. People who are listening and watching now and they've listened to your story today. See how really deeply it's touched you, you know? How would you encourage people to, to go for it? They're thinking about being a foster carer. They're not sure. They think it might be an up and down journey. As, as we know it, it can be. How would you encourage 'em to go for it?

Natalie:

Although it is an up and down journey and, and it isn't. It can be. It is the singularly most rewarding thing I've ever done, and, and my husband feels the same and the extended family, you know, my extended family are very caring about all the children. Yeah. We've looked after and just, you know, if you think you can make a difference, you will make a difference, you know? And. Making a difference to children who might not otherwise get that. I, you, one of our current children in placement was in a residential children's home for three years. They said they couldn't find a placement for him. If the boy is absolutely lovely, everybody who meets him for is in love with him. You know, he's the kindest, most generous, most loving child. Um. Young man's 14. He, he, he does have developmental delays, but you know, how anybody could not want to look after him is beyond me. You know? Yeah. It's sort of, so, yeah, it's not the, yes, there's a lot of personal reward, but it's also thinking about what you're given to, you know, if you're in that privileged

Helen:

position to be able to do it. Yeah. Yeah. And you really can make a, a difference to, to so many children's lives. And as you say, there is personal reward. And, and what do you feel that is? What, what do you feel that you've gained from being foster care? Watching these children

Natalie:

grow? Yeah,

Helen:

watching

Natalie:

them grow and gaining confidence. I sent a little video of our middle child in placement who has developmental delays to his school the other day actually, um, when he came to us, he couldn't read. And couldn't read common words would even there, and he would struggle over and he started drama GCSE. He's in special needs unit within a mainstream school, but started drama GCSE this year and was terrified about having to read aloud and then stood in front us on Thursday night and read five pages of the play word for word. He stumbled over one word, which funnily enough is difficult, but at the end because I was so impressed. I videoed the last couple of minutes I've been reading the last page and sent it to the Senco at school and said, here's the boy you couldn't read 18 months ago. Yeah. You know, thank you to you and your team because, but you know, and we support him at home. But you know, just watching that and the fact that he wanted to do it and he had the confidence to do it. Yeah. Watching the confidence grow and

Helen:

yeah, it's all worth it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for chatting to us today, Natalie. It's been lovely, and thank you for being so, so open and so honest and, and so vulnerable. It's been really, really lovely to, to hear your story, and please do come back and, and check in. We, we have people who come back and check in, tell us how they're getting on. So we'd love to have you here again. Thank you, Helen. Oh, thank you so much, Natalie. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.