Voices of Fostering

Ann - 20 Years as a Fostering Family

• National Fostering Group • Season 4 • Episode 22

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Step into the heart of fostering with this inspiring episode of "Voices of Fostering." Meet Ann, a dedicated foster carer with over 20 years of experience and more than 90 children welcomed into her home. In this candid conversation, Ann shares how fostering became a family tradition, the joys and challenges of letting go, and the powerful impact fostering has had on her children and grandchildren.

You’ll hear how fostering can become a multi-generational legacy, the emotional journey of saying goodbye to children in care, and the importance of family, pets, and support networks in successful fostering. Ann’s real stories of resilience, love, and lifelong connections offer wisdom, warmth, and hope.

Whether you’re considering fostering, already on the journey, or simply curious about the lives of foster families, Ann’s story will inspire and inform.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin and YouTube

Helen:

Hello and welcome along to this episode of Voices of Fostering and our voice of fostering today is Anne. Hello, Anne.

Ann:

Hi. Yeah.

Helen:

Hello, Helen. Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Anne. Now let's get straight into it. You have been a foster carer for 20 years. Is that right?

Ann:

Yeah. 20 plus to be there because I was with a different agency before. The agency I'm with now. So yeah, over 20 years.

Helen:

Wow. So thinking back over 20 years ago, what was it that that made you go for it, Anne? What was it that led you to fostering? It's, it's sort of in your family, isn't it?

Ann:

Yeah. So, um, what, who started it off really was, um, my partner's Barry's mother. So when the last child left home, she started to foster. Uh, so she was the first one to start doing it, but she didn't do it very long out of all of us. Um. She was, yeah, it didn't really suit her. So she did it for a couple of years, but by then, Barry's eldest sister started to foster, so she's been doing it for 30 years. And so, um, he's got three sisters who all foster differently. But the eldest one, Karen started up first, so, uh, and then she went on to, um. Adopt three of the children. Um, so yes, she, so she fostered for 30 years, adopting three. And then his middle sister, she, um, is currently fostering too. So she's been doing it for over 20 years. And then the other sister, um, she fostered mother and babies for about 20 years and she's retired now, but she works for the agency, sort of mentoring foster carers, predominantly sort of mother and baby. So, um. It was them really. Um, who started it off and it just sort of came really normal. Yeah. Just like a normal thing to do.'cause it was just so ingrained in the family. Yeah. And it still is, you know, it still is.

Helen:

So I hear that a lot, Anne, that it's sort of fostering is in families and then it spreads and then more and more people decide to do it because you're all inspired by each other. That must be amazing.

Ann:

Yeah, I think so. And um, I've got three daughters and, um, it's not right at the moment for any one of the three, but the three of them are, I can see the three of them doing it. Yeah. So, um, yeah, my three daughters have said that, uh, I mean they are considering it. Themselves.

Helen:

Yeah. That must be really, really nice to know that that something that you've done for so long has inspired them as well.

Ann:

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, um, they've all been brought up with it, see, so they've sort of lived their life. You know, living with foster children and my grandchildren live here, so I live with, um, my partner Barry. Um, my daughter, um, she's just 35. She's just moved home, but she's moving out again next year. But she's home at the moment. And then we built an extension onto my house. So, um, we've got my daughter, her partner, and my two grandchildren living there. So it's sort of one big house. And there's just sort of just a living room door divides us really. So sometimes it's closed and sometimes it's open. But my two grandchildren have, um, just been brought into fostering too. Yeah. So it's all of us.

Helen:

Um, and what sort of effect do you feel that has on your children and grandchildren, and do you feel that they almost grow up to be more understanding and empathetic?

Ann:

I do. I do, sort of going back to my, to my two grandchildren at the moment. They're absolutely, they're just lovely kids. They're really lovely kids. So the teachers say, you know, they're really sort of empathetic. They are. And um, but they've helped me more than they would know. Because they're absolute icebreakers. You know, when you've got children coming in, they get really, really excited. You know, they're buzzing and they'll be telling everybody at school, you know, we've got some new children coming or whatever. Um, but the two children that I have at the moment, um, with my two grandchildren, they are together 24 7. They get, I knock a house on fire. Yeah. So, um, like, so one night I'll do the dinner. Uh, they all sit to, we all sit together, but then another night my daughter will do it. So we sort of take it in turns and sort of going out, out, days out. Sometimes I'll do, I'll go out for the whole day with them and then the following day, my daughter will, or my partner will, or her partner will. So we sort of share the care. Mm-hmm. Um. And I just find it easier, you know? Um, and they're good role models for my children coming in. Yeah. You know, um, sometimes it can be tough, um, if they've took a particular sort of a bond. I'm just thinking of one lad, um, who left and my grandson was particularly close to him, and my grandson found it really tough when he left.

Helen:

Yeah.

Ann:

You know,

Helen:

and, and that is one thing that we hear a lot, um, Anne, is you know how people who are considering becoming foster carers, how will I let a child go? Now, I think you are really well placed to talk about this because you've been fostering for over 20 years. You've fostered over 90 children. What is it like when you have to let a child go? Can you, can you just tell us about that?

Ann:

It sort of depends on the circumstances on where they're going. Yeah. So I mean, obviously the best circumstances ever is going to go back home. You know, that's what we want. We want them to go back to, to mom, to dad, to family. So that's the best one. And that's always happy, you know, that's grace. Um, and moving onto adoption, um, that's great too. You know, you've got to look at the bigger picture, sort of, you know, we are sort of. Barry's like 67, I'm 65, you know? Um, I, if they can sort of get adopted by a young couple who've got their whole lives ahead of them, do you know what I mean? And they're there for them, then that's what you want to, so as much as you miss them, you know, you're doing it for the greater good. You know, and, um, we've been short term carers. So therefore when children move on into long term care, then it's pretty well vetted, you know, with the, uh, the transition, how the transition works, you know, it's. Not sort of leave short term go into long term and you've got to be out by a certain date. It's not that way. It's sort of when the social services sort of come up with a long-term family for that child, it's a good match. Do you know? Um, 'cause and that can take up to two years to find that couple. So whenever they move on, it's always for the better, for the good. We're always just a stop gap. You know, and I've always got that in my head.

Helen:

Yeah. And as you say, you do have to be quite selfless about it. As you say, it's about them and it's for the greater good, but how do you look after yourself within that though, Anne?

Ann:

I don't know. I've just found a way of doing it, I guess. And I suppose it also, it depends, because sometimes they'll move on and nine times outta 10 they'll keep in touch anyway. Yeah. So when children leave, I will never sort of say, I would never chase them up or contact them. And I will always tell them, look, I'm always here for you. You know where I am. You've got my address, you've got my telephone number. I'm here for you. But I won't, I. Be chasing that child because they need to then create their new relationships back with say, parents that they've not lived with for, say, up to two years, or move on from foster care to adoption, and they're settled as they have been with us. They've got to make those new connections and they've got to get on with, you know. Their new life. Mm-hmm. So, um, but I have children coming back all the time and I speak to children all the time. I say children, I mean grownups now. Yeah. They're grown up. Yeah. You know, they're not kids anymore. Um, I was speaking to the girl yesterday who left, um. 13, 14 years ago.

Helen:

Yeah, I was gonna say that. And do you ever find that a while later? You know, they, they might be processing what happened in my childhood who looked after me and, and you know, they reach out to you. Does, does that ever happen?

Ann:

Yeah, it does. And um. Yeah, they just phoned up and said, do you remember when we went so and so, so and so? Where did we go? I took this one girl to France and she said, whereabout, did we go?'cause I want to go back and she's got a boyfriend now. She wants to go back. So I told her where we went. Um, and I, uh, yeah, I've got two lads and uh, they turned up on their motorbikes or to at least. Once a month. Both of them do. Um, I've gotten really nervous as I've gotten older with driving, so I tend to keep up motorways, so I'm not one for sort of. You know, going too far away from home anymore now. So they tend to come here and I've got one lad who lives in London and um, he'll just knock the door and he's there. Or another lad who come from Darbyshire and he was delivering staircases and he happened to be in the area, so he knocked the door. Oh

Helen:

yeah.

Ann:

So I get that quite a lot, to be fair. It's lovely. Yeah. It's nice.

Helen:

Yeah. Your networks just become really big and they all, of course, remember you forever

Ann:

and then, and also when they go onto long-term Foster and even they're still kids. If I've got a nice relationship with the foster care, which I always do anyway, if there's a milestone, the foster carer will let me know. So we'll, she'll say, oh, so and so's just got into this class, or, so and so's just done this, or he's just got this award and just sort of send me little photos and snippets and just to let me know how they're doing, you know?

Helen:

Yeah. Now, of course, Anne, you've had so many children through your door and you, you mentioned before about things that can be an icebreaker. You've got, uh, animals, haven't you? You've got a cat and a dog, is that right? And do you find that they help.

Ann:

They do the, the dark, uh, we got from, it's a Romanian rescue, and, um, we got the, I took three of my foster kids at the time to go and collect her, and they had a really strong bond we call aroma. Uh, really strong bond with Roma, who's a, a big energetic dog. Um, we didn't realize it was going to, she was gonna grow as big as she did, which is absolutely massive and really loud. Um. And when the three kids moved on, Roma was bereft. She was just going round the bedrooms, like crying and crying. Even the dog, you don't realize how it affects everybody. Yeah. And then as we were walking Roma, she'd go mad if she saw a girl that looked like one, one of the girls that left. Yeah. She thought it was her and she'd go crazy and jumping up and barking and all the rest of it. But yeah. Yeah, so the d the dogs are a real icebreaker as well. And the little girl that I've got at the moment, she was absolutely petrified of dogs, which we didn't know when she came, but it's apparent that she really was to the point where she didn't even want to cross, um, cross a dog in the road. She, you know, she really cry, really upset, and it was about a week or two before she sort of settled down with Roma, but. No, obviously she loves Roma. Roma loves her, and. She started to scream and we were saying, look, you know, Rome's come from a really sad background. You know you're going to upset her if you scream. And she said, oh, okay. So she stopped, stopped screaming, and you know, I don't know. She, yeah. But yeah, Roma's great. And the cat is a really laid back cat. You know, it's got pulled around, left, right, and center. If you're not, don't keep an eye in her. But she's a, they're both absolutely fine with the cats and the dogs. But I mean, back in the day we used to have pigs and we used to have chickens and we've had all sorts. Yeah. Yeah. It just matters.

Helen:

Well, I think sometimes people think, you know, if you have got a dog, particularly a big one like yours, you know, would I be allowed to foster? Um, but of course, you know, every situation is, is assessed and dealt with differently, isn't it? Uh, individually, and it, it doesn't rule you out, does it? They can definitely be an asset to your fostering journey, can't they?

Ann:

Yeah, I think it's all part of it, isn't it really? And it's just normal life, so why wouldn't you have a dog, you know? Um, yeah. So we've got a lovely dog, absolutely mad and, uh, a really big fat laid back cat, and they can only be a good thing for children, can't they? I think. Yeah. You know, they've got, they've got the little one outta her fear of dogs. You know, she's not frightened of dogs anymore. Um, we walk the dogs, it's a good excuse sometimes just to get the child out and do a long walk 'cause we've got to go and walk Roma so the kids are out in the fresh air, you know. So every weekend, um, they have a long walk. You know? Mm-hmm. Through the fields, we go all over the place with the dog and the kids, and, um, yeah, no, it's all good. Oh,

Helen:

that's amazing. So yeah, you fostered over 90 children. Uh, Anne, when, when people find that out about you, what sort of reaction do you get?

Ann:

Well, to be honest with you, I only found out myself, um, a couple of weeks ago because thought, but you only just counted them up. I better find out because just in case you might ask me that, because I asked my daughters, how many do you think we found? And one said Over 200. And then I was thinking more about 40. Honestly, I just just didn't really realize that's so for sweet such a lot.

Helen:

It was like you were all taking bets. Like I think about 40, your daughter's like No, about 200 more 92, which is still an amazing number.

Ann:

Yeah. But I was speaking to a foster care a couple of weeks ago and she'd fostered 93 and I thought, dang.

Helen:

She just picked you, but yeah. What, what do people in general, you know, what's the reaction you get, you know, when people find out that you've had so many children and young people in your care?

Ann:

I don't think I really, I don't really talk about it to be honest with you. Okay. It's, uh, it's, I quite. I don't really understand why I'm talking about it now, but I don't really bring it into conversations at all. And, um, and the, the girls I've got at the moment, they call us Nan, Nan and granddad because they, um. Want to be sort of just the same as everybody else. Yeah. Do you know? And um, the little girl said to me, I don't want the teachers to know you're my foster carer, even though they do, because, um, I said, why? She said, well, because in the line, I don't want the teacher to say. There to everybody else. There's your mom waiting for you. There's your dad, there's your mom, there's your granddad, there's your nan. And then when they come to me, they'll say, there's your foster carer. Mm. So she said, oh. And I said, well, of course you can call me Nan. Yeah. Because my grandkids live with me. They call me Nan all the time. It's just sort of normal and natural for them to call me Nan, you know? So, and then when we're out, um. They call us Nan and Granddad. So I think people, new people that we meet just assume that we are Nan and granddad and I don't tell them any differently. Okay.'cause I don't want everybody to know my business. Yeah. So I don't tell anybody to nobody's business Really. Absolutely. And so therefore, the, the family that we have, it's just all taken for, you know, we just all taken for granted and don't really talk about it, to be honest. Okay. It's, I know that might sound a bit weird, but. No, I don't.

Helen:

Well, I'm really, really glad that you're talking to us about it today, Anne. We're absolutely made up 'cause it's so lovely to hear your story. So do you think you'll do this for another 20 years? What do you reckon?

Ann:

Oh God. Well, we've got two long-term children at the moment, so I'd say that's it. Now, obviously, um, eldest is 10, youngest is eight. So gosh, that's gonna bring us into late seventies. Um, so I, I'd say that's enough. And, but we have been saying that we are going to retire for the last 10 years we've been saying we're going to retire. Um, and the two children that we've got at the moment that we've now got long term, we were only going to have ever have short term, and they were only going to be short term. Um, but when it came to it, we just couldn't do it. Just. Couldn't say no. Yeah. You know, they're just lovely kids and they're just part of the family and. I just, I don't know. It is what it is. You know it, they're here and now and we just love them and they're so happy. So we're in it for the long call. Um, but having said that, when I have spoken to my daughters and I said, look, you know, we're getting on. If things start falling off me and dropping off me, we'll start to get poorly. You know, we, one of you, you'll have to, you'll have to step in and said, oh no, no, mum, we will, we will definitely. You know, so I've sort of got that in the background as well. Yeah. So should, you know, because these things, you know, you've gotta be honest about it, you know? Yeah. Not getting any younger and getting older, and they're relatively, you know, they're young children, but for us at the time and for them, yeah. It was, you know, they didn't want to move and they made, you know, they did not want to go. Um, and since they were told that they weren't going and you know, would you like to stay with Ann Barry? Long term, everything sort of changed, you know, the behavior, I've never had really problems with behavior at home. They've always been grace, but they have not really been settled at school. Since I've been told that they are set, they are staying with us, things have settled down a hundred percent at school. So I'm hoping sort of moving forward that they'll lonely, sort of settle down more, you know, fingers crossed. But you know, you never know. You never know. They'll just roll with it.

Helen:

It's so lovely to hear, Anne, that you're having such a good experience with them and that, and that fostering is really spreading through your family, isn't it? And as you say, if there comes a time when you and Barry decide that you're going to retire, you know, your, your children will carry it on.

Ann:

Yeah, because, uh, they're my support now. Um, you know, I've got support from my family and I've got support from, um. You know, my friends who are, uh, foster carers as well for the NFA. So we've got support from them and you need it. You know, we all, we all need support and, um. Yeah, my family are great. Uh, once, um, I had two lads here, two siblings and, uh, an older girl and the two lads were here long term and the older girl was only here for a couple of couple of months, and then she was going, uh, back to family. Um, it is a bit of a complicated story anyway. But I've got a son and he, he lives in Canada and um, he was about 35 at the time and he phoned me up. Um, anyway, cut a long story short, we had to leave everything and sort of get on the next plane over to Canada because he had a brain tumor. And, um, I had to leave the two, the two boys here and, um, the girl. So three children here were left with my daughters who just completely stepped in and looked after them for, I think I was gone. We were gone about five weeks in Canada, and in that time they transitioned the older girl. Back to her parents. So my girls had done that. Um, she had a prom to go to, so, um, my friend took her from dress shopping. My, um, son-in-law who is son-in-law now, but wasn't then he took her to a prom, I think it was in Darbyshire somewhere, which is a long way from here. He took, he got a fancy, he had the best car in the family to be fair, so he took it to the prom. Um, all the hair and makeup was done and it was all sorted. The two boys were absolutely fine. They sort of looked, we didn't have the dog at the time, looked after the cat and kept up at school, but I came home so everything was running as smoothly as a clockwork as to when I left it, you know, all through those times. And I mean, they were worried as well about their brother.

Helen:

Yeah,

Ann:

we, we were all worried sick, so they had the worry of him. Um, then the sudden responsibility of looking after three kids. Um, and between them all, they, they'd done it perfectly and it wasn't. Wasn't an issue, wasn't a problem. Yeah.

Helen:

And did you feel, and I'm going back five years you were, did you feel that you were supported quite well by your agency in that situation, Anne?

Ann:

I did, yeah, because they understood,

Helen:

yeah.

Ann:

You know, I kept them in the loop with absolutely everything that was going on, as much as I could at the time. Um, you know, because everything was up in the air and we didn't know what was going on. We knew it was bad when we had the phone call, but we didn't exactly know what was going on until we got there. Um. Yeah. So, um, but no, the urgency of the grace and, um, but the whole thing really was done by my family, you know? They were the ones that sorted it out. But I mean, if I needed the agency, they, they knew that. I mean, all my girls know my link workers, you know, they know them all. Well, they had all the telephone numbers, you know, I'm sure they kept in contact with each other. But it was all done while I was sort of, you know, um, being with my son in Canada. Yeah.'cause these things happen, you know? Yeah. Life happens. This is real life. Absolutely. And this is why you really need support.

Helen:

Yeah.

Ann:

You know, I mean, there's a lot of carers out there now. They're single carers and two of my best friends are single carers. Um, and hats off to them because, um, I'm not, you know, I've got my partner Barry, and I've got my support network around me. I've got my grandkids, I've got my dog, got the cat. Um, I'm lucky enough to have a big garden for the children. Um, so I consider myself really lucky to be fair. Yeah. And, um, I don't know how single care of Steve is. I really don't.'cause you know, I'm lucky.

Helen:

Oh, well, and it's been so lovely to chat to you today and, and hear about your, your fostering family and, uh, and your experiences. So best of luck with the future. Maybe we'll catch up again soon. And, uh, yeah, thanks so much for coming on and talking to us. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.