Voices of Fostering

Robert - Building Families Through Fostering

• National Fostering Group • Season 4 • Episode 18

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Join us for this heartfelt episode of Voices of Fostering as Helen sits down with Robert, a dedicated foster carer, to discuss his inspiring journey in fostering. Robert shares how he and his husband began their fostering adventure, the challenges and joys they've experienced, and the importance of keeping an open mind when welcoming children into their home.

Discover insights into the assessment process, the realities of respite and long-term placements, and the incredible support provided by the National Fostering Group. Robert also talks about building a family, the impact of fostering on his life, and the special connections formed with the children in their care.

Whether you're considering becoming a foster carer or simply want to learn more about the fostering community, this episode offers valuable advice, touching stories, and encouragement for anyone interested in making a difference.

📚 Check out Robert’s children’s books and free audio stories at www.hummypress.co.uk

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin and YouTube

Helen:

Hello and a very warm welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering Today. I'm delighted to be joined by one of our lovely foster carers, uh, and let's welcome him. Hello, Robert. Hi. Hi, Robert. Thank you so, so much for joining us. It's really great to have you. Um, so Robert, am I right in saying you have been fostering for a couple of years now? Um, tell us about your fostering journey, how it all started.

Robert:

That's right. Well, we've been fostering for a couple of years now, and we actually. We've been, myself and my husband, we've been wondering to foster for, for a long time. We've talked about it for a long time. And I'm a teacher, I work with reception age children, so we always kind of thought I would be the, the perfect primary foster carer. So when we first thought about fostering, I'd only just qualified as a teacher. So I was like, I'm not quite ready to give up my, um, my new career as it were. And then. We, we got to a point where actually we, our work situation's changed. I'm still a teacher, but David's work situation changed and he wants to be working from home a lot more. And we thought, why are we thinking that I have to be the primary foster care? Actually David can do that. Um, you know, you don't have to have that prior experience working with children. And he's fantastic with children. So we thought we flipped that round and. So that kind of opens it up as soon as you realize that he could do that, and, and here we are.

Helen:

I think that's the thing, isn't it, Robert? Because it sometimes it takes quite a few years sometimes, doesn't it, to come to that decision. It's, you know, it's those little conversations, isn't it? And it's sort of worrying around in your brain and is this the right time? And can you remember what it was like telling your friends and family that, that, that this is what you decided to do.

Robert:

Yeah, they were really supportive. You know, we had lots of, uh, people saying things like, oh, you'll be fantastic. Oh, that's amazing. That's, that's brilliant. And, and I think that positivity and that support is, is really valuable. And I think that, um, as valuable and as continuing as that support is, I think once you actually start doing it. It stops being this amazing, fantastic thing that you are going to be doing, and it's just your life. It's just something that you are then in the middle of doing. And, and of course our family and friends have been amazing, amazingly supportive. Um, but it's, it just becomes a way of life rather than being special, mystical thing that you're going to be doing. Um, it's just your reality then. And it is a wonderful reality.

Helen:

And thinking back to the assessment process, Robert, I'm aware that you were with a different agency and you have transferred to the National Fostering Group. But what was the assessment process like? How did you find it? A lot of people say it's therapeutic. How was it for you guys?

Robert:

Um, we really, really enjoyed the assessment process. We were actually with a, a different agency to start with, and we were assessed by a freelance social worker. And it's a bit of a strange story really because we, we were assessed by, by this social worker. And then he wasn't able to join us for our final panel because he was leaving to become a lecturer in social care. So off he went and we, we were given a new, uh, supervising social worker to support us through that. So we did that, um, successful assessment and what have you, and then. We became foster carers. We were with that agency for about a year, and then we decided that perhaps there might be other agencies that could offer more for the children, and we discovered NFA. We discovered it because I'm a teacher, as I said, and a little girl came to my class last September and she was being fostered by a lady who used to work for the school, and she said, I know someone who knows you. And lo and behold, it was the. It was the social worker who had assessed us as a freelance social worker who'd gone to the lecturer, had come back into social work and started working for NFA. Oh wow. And so we gave him a call and we, we talked about what we would like and, uh, you know, what we liked about the sound of NFA. And so he then, uh, said, well, why don't you transfer? So it's a really strange. How these things connect together. Yeah, definitely At that little girl, not come to my classroom. Uh, we would never have really gone to the NFA probably.

Helen:

Yeah. The world works in mysterious ways, doesn't it? So can you remember what it was like when you were waiting for your first child to come and live with you? Because you've had, uh, have you had three different children live with you? Is that right? What, what was it like that first time?

Robert:

Yeah. We've had three, um, children with us. Um, before our, before our kind of long-term placement, um, which we're, which we're enjoying now. Um, and that time waiting for a placement and waiting for the referrals team to get in touch with you is, um, it can be quite, uh, a long, it can be quite a long wait at times. You know, sometimes it's just a case of there's not anyone coming through that's, that's quite the right match for you. Um, and then you'll get a referral and you'll. Kind of look at everything that the social workers are telling you, and you'll think, oh, this, this would be a fantastic child to match with. And then you put yourself score and you don't hear anything more because, you know, unfortunately, um, you weren't the, the best match. But fortunately, I guess there's a, a better match for that child somewhere else. So you kind of, you know, you, you long to get to know some of these children who you. Who you perhaps talked about and, and build up a picture of, but you have to sort of be resilient and let those children go and kind of move on to the next one. When they, when they come. You have to trust that the best matches are being na, you know, and, and sometimes that's yourself and sometimes it's somebody else.

Helen:

And when you are waiting for a child to arrive, Robert, what, what are the thoughts and feelings like, and what are the practicalities of, as well, of like getting the house ready? Like what's it like?

Robert:

We always ask lots and lots of questions, um, because obviously you're not. Usually going to meet, or we certainly haven't met any children that we've had, um, before they arrive at the house, um, apart from our most recent one actually, which is a little bit of a different situation. So we had a little bit more notice on that, on that move actually. Um, but initially, uh, anyway, you were asking lots and lots of questions and you're, it's a bit like, um, it's a bit like. Buying a new house and you've fallen in love with your new house and you go over and over the details, you know, where you kind of say, ah, there's there, you know, we can put that there. And we put that there and you know, and with the children it's like, um, oh wow. They love Lego and they love, um, playing sports. And a lot of that actually resonates with your own childhood. You pick out those bits, you can go, I used to love doing that as well. And if I was that child coming here and I was that age, I would love this in my room. So you start kind of. Laying the groundwork for creating a, a really welcoming space for them and kind of getting all the toiletries and things like that. But obviously you don't want to do everything because that's also part of your family building together to do that as, as a family and to add things to the bedroom and, and to the house. So, and also the children are going to bring lots of things with them, we find as well. So you want to leave space? For them to be able to bring what they already have and, and their lives and their memories and experiences, uh, with them as well. So it's, uh, kind of a balance really, but just finding out as much information as possible and, um, building on that as, as you go.

Helen:

Yeah, and you talked there, Robert, about building a family. You know, even when you have respite, um, placements come to live with you. Do you still feel like instantly they are part of your family?

Robert:

Yeah. I think the more experienced we've, we've become, the more we have felt that. And we, um, recently had, uh, a young lad who just turned 10, uh, shortly after we had him for respite. Um, and that was, that was really, that was a really, really lovely placement. We had him for a long weekend. And, um, he did instantly feel like part of our family. Uh, he invited us along to his 10th birthday party, which we went along to. And then subsequent to that, we actually went on a, one of the wonderful NFA, um, event days, uh, where they'd put on, uh, tubing. Which, I dunno if you've ever tried that, but it's good fun. Yeah, I recommend it. We'd never tried it before, which is one of the lovely things about the events the NFA do because you try things you've never thought of doing before. Uh, so we took him along to that, uh, as a bit more respite for his carers. And, um, you know, he's, he's actually now moved across the country, uh, to a children's home. Um, but we're still in touch with him, you know, and when we are that way in the country, you know, we will stop by and visit him as well. Um, but we write to him and we, we send him sort of packages and things, um, just to let him know that, you know, the fact that he's moved, it's not the end of his story. He's still part of our family. Um, you know, as long as he wants to be.

Helen:

Yeah. And I think that's the thing, isn't it? Your network becomes really, really big. We always say that on the podcast, and you know, sometimes it's not always appropriate to stay in touch, but most of the time it is, isn't it? And, and you know, your family just becomes bigger and bigger. Just for anybody listening, Robert, who's maybe not sure about what respite care is, what are some of the reasons that a child might need respite, foster care?

Robert:

Well, and this, uh, we've had, has a couple of different reasons actually, this LA came to us because his, uh, foster carers over that weekend were having some work done to the house, so we're gonna have their roof repaired. Oh, right. Okay. And they needed to clear the loft out and do really boring and house stuff. And it was just a case of this is gonna be a really dull weekend for him to keep him busy and occupied while we need to get on with this. So we stepped in and another respite that we had. Was a a 16 and a half year old girl, and her family, she had quite a large foster family, and the family had, um, a biological child as well, and her carers. Uh, very fortunate for them had had three holidays a year. They'd have a holiday with everybody, with their biological child and their foster children, and they'd go off somewhere and then they would have a holiday just with their biological children, and then they would have a third holiday, just the two carers. And so obviously. When you have a setup like that, you know everyone's included in the parts that they do, that's the system that they have. I know some carers might feel like they would always want to take their child on holiday with them. Um, sometimes that's possible. Sometimes it's not possible. Um, but you know, if you've got that system in place, that you organize it in the way that your family. Understand it and it works for your family, then you know, that's an opportunity that, you know, respite carers can step in.

Helen:

And now of course you've got a child living with you on a longer term basis, haven't you? So, uh, tell us about them. Well, it's

Robert:

a real surprise actually, because we always thought, um, particularly with my experience with younger children, we always thought, yeah, you know, reception age children. 4, 5, 6, 7, something like that, in that age range, that kind of infant school kind of age. And um, to be honest, we were a bit scared about older children, about teenagers, you know, those terrible teenagers, um, as people might think. Um, but it was actually, um, having those respites and having the opportunity to have those. Slightly older children for a short time, but we knew, do you know what, it's a long weekend. It's a couple of weeks here and you know, a bit here and a bit there. And we thought, you know, why not give it a go? And we loved it. You know, it really, really fitted and compared to having a child for respite who was a lot younger in our actual kind of expectation, uh, where we thought, you know, that's, that's the kind of child for us. I thought about the two. We were thinking, do you know what actually, um, it's much better fit for us to have a slightly older child. Um, and we love that. Um, he's, he's 12 today, um, turning 13 tomorrow. Um, so we will have a teenager on our hands and we, we were, um, we couldn't be happy with him really. He's amazing. He actually, he came to us, um, because his carers, who he'd been with for seven years were retiring. They decided that they needed to retire, which people do for various reasons. And um, so he's come to us, uh, which we're delighted about.

Helen:

And do you think that's an important part of fostering Robert to go in into it with an open mind? You know, you thought you were going to do one type of fostering with one type of age group and you've ended up doing something completely different. Is it important to always keep that open mind?

Robert:

It, it's really important to always keep an open mind with fostering, um, you know, and our, our supervising social worker who is now actually the person that originally did our assessment, so we're really happy about that. That's wonderful. Um, he kind of got to know us. I think he got to know us better than we know ourselves. To be honest. After all of the sessions, which as you say are, are very much like therapy. Um, you know, we hear that an awful lot, but it's true. And we really enjoyed, um, all of those sort of sessions going through and we learned things about each other through that process as well that we never knew, kind of. Oh gosh, I never knew that. And, you know, um, and he always knew that we would be really, really happy with some older children, but he was like, you know, I'm just gonna let you find this out and discover this for yourself. Um, but you know, I think he, he definitely gave us the opportunities with those older children because he knew that, um, that they would be, you know, a real strength with us.

Helen:

Um, what do you see for yourself and your husband in the future? You know, do you see yourself fostering for, for a long time to come? Robert?

Robert:

Well, as I said, our, our little boy now, not so little, he's, um, almost taller than me. Uh, he's 13 tomorrow, you know, and I think when you have a child that comes from a, a seven year placement where the carers. Retiring, you know, I think we really go into that with our eyes open and say to ourselves, do you know what he's, he's nearly 13. We need to be prepared, you know, all health being well and everything, you know, as far as we can, we need to be prepared to have him until. He's 18, at least. You know, he, he's still needless while he's 18, you know, up until that point.

Helen:

And it sounds like, Robert, you've had a lot of support since you've been with the National Fostering Group, and it's been a really positive experience for you, particularly coming full circle and, and having that social worker come back into your life. Do you find that, you know, there's always someone there to support you if you need it?

Robert:

Yeah. The NFA are been really supportive. Um. I mean, the events they do, the things that they put on for the children, the support groups that they have, which sadly, I don't get to go to many of those because I'm at work as a teacher, but my husband does get to go to those and he finds them really useful to get together with, with other carers over, you know, a, a drink or a, um, some lunch. And I say a drink 'cause he doesn't drink tea or coffee, but he'll have an orange juice, um, along with everybody else. And those tend to happen during the day when the children perhaps are at school or in college. And uh, and then there's events that happen at weekends and in the holidays. So we went to three events this summer and that was a really nice opportunity for me to see some of the other social workers and some of the other carers. We went, go-karting. Uh, we all had a great time with that. I was, uh. Obviously very speedy around the, around the track. Lapping everybody a few times at our, at our, uh, um, loved that. I obviously never had an opportunity to drive before, so he's quite excited about being able to learn to drive when he's 17. Uh, we also went to a Bush adventure day. Um, so these are things that you wouldn't necessarily go and book just for yourself and your, you know, your two parents and, and one child. Um, but. There's lots of other like-minded people there. So we, so we learned how to light a fire with all the, the proper tools and gather wood and everything. We built dens and we also had to get ax throwing, which I know is probably, you might think, uh, is that really what you want to be teaching everybody to do? But it is actually really hard to do. Um, the children actually on the whole, I think, than the adults. And then we also had. A lovely time at the, the fun day that the NFA put on in our area every year, um, over in a local village. And there were p castles there for the children. There was some gorgeous donkeys to pets and, um, food drinks, um, cakes and things. It was just, um, lovely. We actually won a couple of prizes in the raffle, so it was to kind of, to the day off, um, with, um. You know, a real, real sort of excitement.

Helen:

Yeah. And there's a real community there, isn't there? Do you find that there's a lot of support from your peers as well from other foster carers?

Robert:

Yeah, it was, it was really lovely because, um, as soon as we arrived, you know, we weren't standing there feeling awkward. Um, some people came straight over to us and they recognized David from a support group, David, that's my husband, and um, you know, so they were kind of catching up. And it's another funny situation, really about the small world of fostering, uh, in my work as a teacher, we had a little boy, uh, at our school who, who moved across the country actually for, for whatever reason. And, um, these people came and introduced themselves to me'cause I hadn't met them before. And they introduced me to, to their foster child and, you know, didn't think anything of it. And then. Later on, they, they said to me, oh yeah, you know, he's just, just come back to Norfolk, um, from wherever he was. And, and, uh, I sort of said, said his name and I said, did he used to go to, um, and I talked about my school? And they said, yes, he did. I said, I know him.

Helen:

Wow. And so

Robert:

he'd gone away, um, across the country and come all the way back and I said, you know, it's me. Um, I didn't ever teach him, so I didn't have a, a really close relationship with him, but he was such a. Friendly, amazing young man that every time I would go into the lunch hall, you know, it was always big waves and smiles and he always chat away to me. So that was really nice, you know, to, to be reintroduced and, and I think that makes you realize that actually, you know, these children are people that have a multifaceted life and that can come back into your life at any moment. Yeah. You know, they're not just a. Kind of a, or yeah, we had that child and now we don't have that. We dunno that child anymore. Yeah. You know, they are just like anybody else in your life where you make an acquaintance and, and you could well bump into them again. Yeah,

Helen:

absolutely. So Robert, for anybody listening or watching who might be thinking about, you know, becoming a foster carer or thinking, is it for me, is it for us? You know, how would you encourage them to go for it?

Robert:

Well, you've got to start with that, you know, making that contact over the website or calling the phone number and just having a chat and just saying, look, this is what I can offer. Um, because this is, as you know, we started with that respite and that's really, really valuable. Sometimes it's like, like I said, for the, for DIY around the house or the holiday, or might be because actually that child is, um. Really, really experiencing or has experienced some real trauma there, which means that their behavior can be quite dysregulated and actually in order to help regulate that behavior and to help, um, support the carers and to support them to perhaps not kind of, um. Coming down with that kind of compassion fatigue, where it's where you become very, very exhausted and, and unable to really give your full support. Actually, there are some children that would need that regular break in order to be able to, um, maintain a really, really stable placement. At other times, and we've always been told that children love coming to respite. Um, generally they, they love it because it's like the holiday. And it's, um, and that's definitely what it's been like for us and we've, you know, enjoyed it on that basis. Um, so you might only go to offer a bit of respite, not just a bit, you know, it's a really valuable thing to be able to offer, or you might find that actually you've got a place in your home on a longer term basis. But until you start talking with the staff at NFA, you're not gonna know exactly what you can offer or, or where your skills can fit. Necessarily.

Helen:

Yeah. And it sounds like fostering has had such an impact on, on yours and your husband's lives. How would you sum it up, Robert? You know, how, how incredible has it been for you?

Robert:

Well, it's not always easy, you know, sometimes, you know, you are thinking about the adapt adaptations that you've made to your life, and you know, you're not necessarily. Just kind of relaxing of a weekend and just watching the kind of TV programs that you might have done before, whenever you feel like it and all that, you know, there is, there are certain changes that you need to be able to make to your life, but actually, um, when you remind yourself about the, the experiences that these young people have had in their life, through no fault of their own, you know, um, perhaps with families that have, uh, faced real difficulties, traumas. Potentially abuse as well. You kind of go, actually we're making a huge difference here. And we sometimes remind each other of that. When we're having those days where one is feeling a bit more, um, stretched, maybe we kind of go, you know, we're doing a really good job here. We're making a big difference to this person's life. And we talk all the time to him about the fact that he's part of our family. Um, he would, uh. He would come to the living room in the morning and say, oh, can I have some breakfast? And I said, of course you can. And he would say, well, what can I have? So there's wheat bits, or wheats or toast or crum or whatever. And he, being nearly 13, would go and get that sorted. Um, and I sat there and I thought, you know, I'm, I'm not happy about you asking for breakfast like that. So I went up, said, I need to have a, I need to have a fan word with you. I said, oh, what works well? This is your house. You don't need to ask to have breakfast. Yeah. There will always be breakfast available for you. Yeah. If you want to ask what there is that you can have, that's fine, but you never need to ask her to the toilet. You never need to ask to have breakfast. Um, because that is something that, as I said, that's always available for you. Um, so it's just things like that where you just, you know, and you have the ups and downs. A person who's nearly a teenager, they set the boundaries in place and they say, oh, I want to do this and I want to do that. Perhaps they have a bit of a grump, and I think given his experience every time anything like that happens, I think in the back of his mind, it's like when I was with my last. Carers for seven years, is this going to end and so's that reassurance? This isn't gonna end just because we've had to talk about this or because we've had to talk about that. Mm-hmm. We are a family and families up and down the ladder having the exact same conversations about, you know, not having a packet of sweets at half past sake in the e.

Helen:

Hmm. Oh, well, Robert, it's been so wonderful speaking to you today and, um, I'm aware that, that you and your husband have quite the hidden talents, don't you? Uh, because you actually, uh, write stories, don't you, for children?

Robert:

We do. Um, so we have a, um. So we write, we write and illustrate them and publish them ourselves. Um, and, um, our publishers Hum Press. We have uh, we have three books in prints, uh, itch to Witch and a chicken called Chad Itch to Witch and Her Daughter Switch. And Spooky Duke, the book of volume one. Um, but we also have lots of free audio stories on our website. Www do hum press.co. Do uk that's hum like mummy, but with an H. Um, and we have the three stories on our website because we know that not everybody can afford to go, um, and buy books. Not everyone can get out to the library. So we want to have something there available for children to listen to and enjoy, or families to listen to and enjoy together. Um, along with those stories, we actually also have a, a lovely story that we've just launched on the website called, um, Weaver and the War Vanger, and it's quite close to our heart actually, with what we're doing at the moment because it's got a, uh, real theme of fostering to it. Meg is a, a child who is fostered and she makes friends with, um, Weaver and the Wallbanger, uh, who are aliens based on our cats. And um, unfortunately Meg does move. Across the country. And Weaver and the Wang are really upset because they can't find her to start with, but they track her down. And, uh, that's the story all about the fact that families are very different. And actually, yeah, family can be the people that you choose and the people that do special things for you, even if, uh, you might not be related to them directly. So that's a, a really special one that we've enjoyed sharing with people.

Helen:

Yeah, we will be talking more about that in a, in a future episode. So, uh, so yeah, really, really looking forward to hearing more about it. But for now, uh, Robert, thank you so much for talking to us today. It's been really, really lovely to hear your story and best of luck with the future.

Robert:

Thanks, Helen. Thanks for having me. It's been, uh, a real pleasure to, to join you.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.