Voices of Fostering

Valda - Building Positive Foundations

• National Fostering Group • Season 4 • Episode 9

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In this episode of the Voices of Fostering Podcast, Tim interviews Valda, a dedicated foster carer from London. Valda shares her journey of becoming a foster carer alongside her husband Richard, having started officially in 2016. 

She discusses the transition from their previous careers, their informal mentoring of children in need, and the challenges and rewards of fostering. Valda also describes handling complex cases involving therapeutic parenting, her accredited training in Strengthening Families, and the critical issues of gang affiliations and county lines that some foster children face. 

The episode highlights Valda’s unwavering patience, her insights about fostering, and the impact of building solid foundations for vulnerable children.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Tim:

Welcome to the Voices of Fostering Podcast. My name's Tim and we have a great guest Today we're joined by Valda, who is a foster carer based in London. Hi, Valda.

Valda:

Yep.

Tim:

Hi, I. Our first question should really be, how long have you been doing this for? And do you do it alone? Have you got a partner who you foster with? Can you tell us a little bit about that?

Valda:

Unofficially, my husband and I, his name's Richard, um, have had many children, whether it's my children's friends who are in problems or friends. My friends whose children are, are, you know, having gone through difficult moments. So we've had lots of children coming in and out of our, our homes and mentoring them and that kind of stuff. So we became official foster carers of 2016 January. So we've been doing it for, um, nine years, coming up to 10 years. Okay. And you

Tim:

mentioned that word mentoring there. Can you just tell me a little bit about that?

Valda:

Right. Okay. Um, so in terms of mentoring, um, you know, my, my, some of my friends, and I'm thinking of a particular friend who was having a lot of difficulty with her, with her daughter. And, you know, daughter was doing quite dangerous stuff and seemed to be having some sort of breakdown. Um, so, you know, during the holidays they used to come and spend the weekends. On the holidays she'll come and spend time. So mentoring her, you know, encouraging her, strengthening her, you know, sort of demonstrating to her, you know, basically, you know, her placing the world on what's expected and how to deal with different challenges at school and just life generally. Yeah.

Tim:

Um, could you tell us, Valda, just before we get into it, uh, a little bit about your background. What did you become, uh, what did you do before becoming a foster carer

Valda:

and your

Tim:

husband

Valda:

as well? Alright. It's okay. My myself, um, I was born and raised in Lau and, um. You know, I initially became, um, working in the legal industry actually as a girl Friday. That's all those years ago, so I know I'm very old. Um, you know, so initially started as a girl Friday, which is like an office junior actually, and, um, was very quickly promoted to Clarkin, um, which is going to court with barristers and that sort of stuff, going to the police station to see clients. Um, and, and I re I trained in legal secretarial. Eventually became a pa and I specialized in all areas of law. And that's what I did before. Um, I became a, a foster carer. Um, my husband Richard, I mean, he, he's done various jobs. He was a bar man for many years before I knew him. Mm-hmm. And, um, you know, he drives truck SLor and stuff and he still does that.

Tim:

And how did that. Step and that journey look from becoming, you know, those two roles that you just mentioned there that you did and Richard did to becoming fosters. I mean, how did those conversations between you and Richard take place? What was that journey?

Valda:

Well, you know, I think generally when me and Richard is my second marriage, um, when me and Richard, um, got together and, and we started to have our children, um. It sort of happened because, you know, kids were going through difficulty and friends were having issues so unofficially and without really knowing it, we started to do that. But of course, um, as my sister-in-law told me, you'll never be rich'cause you spend all your money and all these kids, you know? Um, yeah. So technically we were already doing it. So it was when she said to my, my friend who was childless, wanted to. Foster to adopt. And so I went to support her. And in doing that, you know, and got sort of spoken to by, um, some of the people that are actually doing, um. You know, that was organizing these meetings. Um, yeah. And basically they said we would, we would be amazing foster carers.'cause there was also a, a young child, my son's friend who fell pregnant at 19 at university and her parents disowned her. And um, you know, she asked us to have the baby for a week. The baby was a week cold.

Tim:

Mm-hmm.

Valda:

So she could, um, sort out suitable accommodation and we ended up having the baby for 12 weeks and that turned with her and the baby backwards on floor to about a year before we could get mom and, and baby, um, of actually living together. And mom known how to look after the baby properly 'cause she was still very young. And, you know, like young people do the phone and having conversations are far more important than the baby who's seeking their attention. So. Yeah, so I think all of those things all like came together and then seeing why not we doing it anyway, so why not?

Tim:

So it feels very natural for you and it sounds like you got into it very naturally as well, really. Um, could you, could you give us a bit of an overview of, uh, how many children you've fostered, how many people you've cared for, and maybe a bit about the type of care as well, Val, if that's possible. You know,

Valda:

in initially the first four were fairly straightforward and quite short term. And, um, then we had a young person, very troubled. I believe he suffered from PTSD, but he had a lot of educational needs, very violent and aggressive. Did not, wasn't able to manage his emotions, that kind of stuff. And um, you know, he actually stayed with us for eight years. Until he got to 18. Um, it was a very difficult, I felt very much out of my depth, but you know, I believe by the grace of God, um, who actually maybe gave me the skills I didn't know I had, and I automatically, so I was told, did therapeutic parenting, which actually made all of the difference. And that's when we started to see some change. You know, this young man now knows how to manage his emotions, um, how to calm down because believe it or not, you know, when children. At a very young age on getting the comfort. You know, when we coo them and we car and we say it's okay, and we change their nappy and we sing to them and do all of those things. Mm. Um, and when they're crying and we pat their backs and we rock them, these are all skills that we teach in them as how to manage their emotions, how to calm down. They never got any of that. So we ended up with a 10 million 11-year-old that did not know. He didn't know, he couldn't name the emotion, whether it was anger, fear. Anxiety, you know, he could name it. So we had to teach him at that age. Mm. And for years to come, sort of, um, what some certain emotions were and then how he could manage them. Yeah. So, um, yes, that's a difficult one. And I've got another one in placement right now that is pretty difficult too. Completely different in different ways, but it's very challenging. But again, you know, as a foster parent, you have to see them as your child. Yeah. And. It's for you to take the time, have the patience to encourage them and support them and, and, and behaviors that have been learned over a period of years is not gonna sort of change overnight. So you have to have the patience and it's for the long

Tim:

haul really. And the child that you are fostering now, are you able to tell us a little bit more about the differences to the, to the other child that you just mentioned there, that you had to adopt more of a, a therapeutic type of parenting with.

Valda:

Well, I think both are therapeutic. Mm-hmm. And parenting just in different ways. I was dealing one with a type of, um. You know, so it was a lot of anger, not being able to sort of calm down. A lot of misreading, not really understanding the world, and, um, who went through a lot of preschool. And in a preschool. I personally believe they're not the answer, and I think they make the problem worse because you put children with the same kind of behaviors altogether and they start to believe that that's what. The world is like, hmm. And then you have the problem. When they're old enough now they realize, no, the world will not tolerate that type of behavior, this young person, again, trauma in a different way, and it's affected this child in a different way. So having to deal with a lot of manipulation and a lot of, um, not really knowing when it's a truth or when it's a lie, um, you know, maybe going around, taking things. Without asking, um, accessing material that he shouldn't. Um, it's, it's all of those things. So trying to change that mindset and help him to understand that he needs to be a child. We are here as adults to protect him, make the right decisions for him, um, and he's too young to make decisions for himself. He's accustomed to making decisions by himself and being looking after himself, but is having to change that mindset. And let him be able to lean back, relax, enjoy, be a child, and allow us to take on the worries and to, you know, to do the best and make the right decisions for him. So it's in a completely different way. Um, and both of them are very, can be very, very challenging and very frustrated. And you can, you know, especially when you've put in work and you see changes or you think you have, um. And then realize, you know, what we've taken maybe 10 steps forward, but a hundred steps back. So it's being patient and tolerant and just keep going.

Tim:

A, a word I hear a lot on this podcast is patient, you seem like a very wise and chilled person. Valda is, does that patient come naturally to you? Is that something you've had to work on as a foster carer?

Valda:

Well, I think, um, a lot of people will say I'm patient. Um, but I think for me, every child that comes into my care that I did on birth, I have three grownup children of my own. Hmm. Um, I have to start from the beginning because I dunno what foundations, you know, that has been developed in them. You know, because I didn't rear them, so, you know, so the patients come from. Believing that they're not doing this to wind me up. They're not, you know, you know when you repeat a hundred times, you know, you mustn't do this and these are all the reasons why not, and they continue to do it. Yeah. You just have to think, you know, okay, let me find, let me find a different way. Because again, habits, old habits die very, very hard. And even though, you know, you might give them all the explanations as to why not. They're so accustomed to doing what they do, they see no harm in it, that they'll continue to do it. So the patients come from them. Believe me, I have to walk away sometimes and count to 10 mm. You know, like everybody else. I'm far from perfect. But, um, it's, it's realizing that it's not their fault. You know, the things that have happened to them is not their fault. The way the brain has rewired itself to protect them when they were going through trauma. Um, it's, uh, you know, that's something that the body did naturally and somehow we have to find, there's always going to be a key, and it's having the patience, trying all different tactics, but above everything. It's dealing with the behavior and not the child. So telling the child, you know. And the ha behavior's not appropriate. The behavior is, is isn't right. You know what I mean? Based not the child, but loving the child, you know? Mm-hmm. And just keep doing that. And in time with love and support and encouragement and, you know, inadvertently you'll building solid foundations where it will shaky. It's rocks are starting to fall underneath and you'll build installed foundations. And it's only a matter of time before. All of a sudden you see a brand new child. Mm-hmm. You know, it's the child that you're see all the time, but their heads, you know, all of the cornerstones, all of the bits of the puzzle that we're missing have now been fitted and they're a lot more solid. See the world as the world is, um, and continue to grow in love.

Tim:

I could see your eyes light up then when you said you start to see a brand new child. I genuinely could. And I wondered if you could just focus on that a little bit. Have there been any key milestones, massive achievements, or anything you'd like to tell us about during your, your years now of, of fostering?

Valda:

I think, you know, you, uh, I mean in life. We tend to look at life, how, you know, where we live and, and the things that we do. We don't realize as a part of the, of life, as part of the world where, you know, a lot of people will be knocked down if, if they knew. And I think entering, especially with my previous child, um, entering that realm. Seeing the things that go on and seeing the lack of, of advocacy for these young people. The lack of actually people putting in the work and doing the right things, creating a passion in me. And as a result of that passion, I've done a lot of different things to do with children parenting and different issues. And I recently did, um, some training and got accredited to become a strengthening families, strengthening communities. Um. Um, deliverer and, um, you know, and it's basically we're living in a world where children are being exploited. They're being groomed. All kinds of terrible things are happening and as parents and as adults, we, there are things out there. This parenting program is wonderful. It's amazing 'cause it helps us to look at ourselves first, understand our foundations. The things are important and the things are not important, you know, in terms of discipline and then start to parent. And it isn't telling people this is wrong and that is right, but is helping people to open their own minds and see for themselves. How they can build positive and a very strong parent-child relationship, you know? So I'm very, very proud. The Race Equality Board have taken me on, um, to deliver, um, this program. It's still early days yet, I've just done one. I'm hoping to do many, many more, and I believe that every parent, foster parent. Natural birth parents, anybody and everybody. In fact, maybe even in colleges and schools should be taught about strengthening families.'cause this is a problem that's affecting everybody, whether you have children or not. What's going on in this world affects everybody. You know? We need to take our communities back and we need to be advocates for our children as well.

Tim:

And I think any personal development that we do on ourselves as foster carers, as parents. Is absolutely gonna impact the children involved positively. And I guess that's what the Strengthening Families parent, um, situation is about. I just wondered, um, Valdo, if you could tell us you wanted some very complex boys in London, um, with gang affiliations. I think, I guess county lines stuff is an issue. Could you talk to us a bit about that and, and how you cope with that? You deal with the children?

Valda:

Now in terms of counting line, I have had experience of that. You know, you put in the work, um, and this is what I think families have to understand. You can have very comfortable lifestyle. Your children can have the privilege of going to the best schools, but the reality is there's a world out there that is claiming our children. Now, if your child has a mobile phone, a tablet, a laptop. And they spent hours in their bedrooms, you know, they're being groomed. Mm. You know, all the things if you would, to see half the things that on TikTok, you know, our children are being groomed. Um, I had personal experience and it was a very difficult experience, very eye opening experience, and I was very disappointed to, to experience the lack of prevention. You know, we have a police force and I know their job is extremely hard. Um. But when the children do get involved in counting lines or gang affiliations or, or whatever, um, and they're in possession of knives and all kinds of things, nothing's done. You know, okay. They might go to court, they might get told of, they might even get convicted, but they're not tagged there. There's nothing to prevent them. And I asked again and again, why don't you tag him? Oh, because of his underwriting, you know. But the minute they turn 18, you know, they're still mentally a child, you know, emotionally they're still a child, but everything changes, you know? And I just sort of think a lot more things can be put in place to prevent children from going on, going forward, and maybe kill somebody, you know, maybe themselves get killed. You know, there must be something, and I think this is a community problem. This is for parents. This is for the community, this is for the police, this is for government. You know, there are organizations out there that have some very solid strategies, but the government has support it. They say the children are the future, but what's going on with our children?

Tim:

Hmm. Prevention there, I guess is the key word, isn't it? And patience. And I think you've, uh, inspired us today, Valda. I really appreciate you being so open and honest about your journey as a foster carer, and I hope you keep doing it. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Valda:

Thank you so much, Tim.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.