Voices of Fostering

Pat - One Year Later

• National Fostering Group • Season 4 • Episode 4

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, we welcome back Pat, a dedicated foster carer who shares her emotional journey over the past year. 

Despite facing significant challenges, Pat's resilience and the support from her fostering agency helped her through. Pat talks about the ups and downs of fostering, including successfully integrating routines and addressing anger issues in a young boy. 

She also discusses the importance of making children feel safe and loved. Join us to hear Pat's inspiring story and learn about the realities and rewards of fostering.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering, where I'm delighted to say today I'm joined by a returning guest. We've got one of our lovely guests who's decided to come back and give us an update on their life and their fostering journey. So welcome back to the podcast, pat. Hello, pat. Hi. It's nice to be back. Hi Pat. It's lovely to speak to you. So how long ago was it? It was over a year I think, wasn't it that we last spoke to you?

Pat:

It was, I'm running into my second year now.

Helen:

Right, okay. Yeah, so it was definitely over a year ago and I remember it was a, a beautifully um, sort of busy and, and maybe a little bit chaotic in the best way podcast.'cause you had two babies with you, didn't you at the time. So. Yeah. So what date was on the last year then? Um, you know, are things stayed the same? Do you still have the babies or, uh, have you got, uh, different children or young people living with you now? Uh, update us, please. Well, there's been a lot of changes. Um, wow, okay.

Pat:

The two children I had, as you know, one was six months at the time and one was 17 months. When I got them, I had them for 17 months. Uh, I lie, I'm sorry, seven months they. I went to Friends of the Family in April. Um, after that I had three girls on, uh, respite for 10 days. Then I had twins of nearly four for a week After that, I had three girls. Again, different girls. I didn't want them separated 'cause I thought it's not fair to separate. Siblings, um, only had them for three months, but it's been quite traumatic. Um, quite an eyeopener from last time. A lot has happened. Uh, yeah, being a foster carer is great. I will say that even for. Me as a pensioner, me, I mean, well, 77 now. And I, I, I don't think you know what is ahead of you. I have an allegation against me, which I tell you what, that threw me. Um, it's frightening. It's very traumatic, but I had a fantastic team supporting me. My, you know, the agency I worked for, you know, fostering solutions. They were absolutely fantastic. They were with me the whole way through. That will keep me up on. Was going on, you know, and what was gonna happen next? Um, then I had. My own social worker, she was brilliant as well. Mm-hmm. I mean, I, I, I don't think I could have got it gone through it without her. I think I would've, trans said, that's it. I don't want to do it.

Helen:

Yeah. So, pat, you, you said there about how you had an allegation made against you. That's something that we've touched on on the podcast before. It can be something that. Many people considering becoming a foster carer can find quite frightening. You went through that journey, and so how, how, how was that for you? And as you say, you, you felt really supported throughout it.

Pat:

How was it? For me, it was, as I say, it was a shock. It drained me. Um, it affects your health. It affected my health. I, I lost weight. I mean, and. The worry you have, you know, you know, you are fine. You know, nothing happened on your side, but the allegations made it. Everything has to be followed through. Um, you can't do it on your own. You need the support. And I mean, I had the agency there supporting me. I mean, the emotional side of it, the, the effect of me on how. I reacted to it and how I felt about it. Um, it affected my family. And also with the allegation also affected my family. But we got through it. Yeah, we got, I mean, I, I, it was, I dunno, I can't explain. It was, it's like you've been stabbed in the back. And you think to yourself, why, why, why on earth am I doing this? You know, if this is what happens, but it's the children, it, these children have been through a lot. Any child, you know, all these children, they have gone through hell and back and they, some don't know right from wrong. They, it's the way. They see life. Um, you are trying, you are trying to do as much as you can for the child or the children, and you want to make them, you need to make them feel safe. And it's with an allegation, you know, things that that come out. Not to you, it goes to complete stranger or you know, it goes to the school, their social worker, anything like that, just something that's said, it has to be looked into.

Helen:

Mm-hmm.

Pat:

No matter what the child has said, they have to take that as, as an allegation and really investigate it. I mean, it could be a load of lies, it could be true. It has to be investigated. Yeah. And when they tell you that the police are involved, I mean, that I cried. I, I tell you, I cried because I thought, goodness, if the police getting involved in this, I've done nothing. Mm-hmm. You know, that's me finished. I've been doing this for a year, and I think the effect it has on you is, is it is traumatic. But

Helen:

well, yeah, it sounds like you've had a, a really, really challenging time, pat. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I assume it's been a, a positive outcome and, and, and you've, you know, been able to sort of put that behind you now

Pat:

and how Yes. I've learned a lot from it. It's, it is surprising because, I mean, being a new foster carer, you dunno what to expect. You know, what you'd like to do and. You sort of think to yourself, okay, you've realized that every child is not the same. Every child has a different reason for being in care, and you assume, you know, when they say, you know, um, they've got, you know, they've been traumatized. Um, abuse and things like that. You don't realize. You, you think of abuse as somebody hitting you, but it's not, the abuse is, there are so many different types of abuse, which you don't realize. I've done, I did a lot of training during the time of the allegation that was going through, and I redid training and. I did some more training on things I'd not trained on before, and it's an eyeopener. I tell you, this is where I realize that there are so many ways that these poor children have been traumatized, abused, and now, you know, with, with going through that and realizing, um. It is changing completely in a way that I am understanding, but more understanding and taking more, more, more and more notice of the child on how they are reacting to different things on, you know, how you say things to them. And you realize that sometimes they, they, what you're saying to them, they're taking a totally different way. Now, I only know this, I've only found this out because I've had the, my first two foster children were babies. And as I said before, I don't want to have older children older than three or four because, and I won't have long term. Long term for me, I can't do, I dunno what's gonna happen to me. So short term is easier and I've learned a lot. And I've also found out that I'm the first, what I call stepping stone. They come from their parents to me. They've had no routine, they got no boundaries. Um. Their nutrition, they don't have proper nutrition. Whereas I've now, I'm able to give them a routine, get 'em into a routine. I'm able to train them, teach them, um, get them to learn and understand boundaries. I mean. I've got a little boy today. He, I'm very proud. I'm really proud of him. He's two. Never sat on a posse, never had boundaries. Everything you'd expect a 2-year-old to be able to do. Two and a half yard. No. This little boy has come from coming to me with really, shall we say anger? Issues. Um, within a short time. I've had him for six months now. He's sits on the potty. He did that right from the beginning. He's in bed six o'clock. He sleeps all through the night. He eats vegetables, um, hits, plea. His manners are beautiful. He can now dress himself, undress himself. He can't quite put himself to bed yet. Well, he can 'cause I've taken the legs off the bed so he can climb into bed. Now he can put his own shoes and socks on. He couldn't talk. His speech now is becoming beautiful. Um. What can I say? I know I've only got him for a short time, but I am really, when he goes on to somebody else, I'm really gonna miss this little boy. He's come such a long way. His anger that he had, I, I feel proud. The fact that I can control it. I can distract him and, you know. He used to throw himself on the floor and scream, and I used to look at him and I say, okay, we are finished now. He'd look at me and say, no. I say, all right, carry on. A little while later I said, okay, finish. Yes. I said, come on, then let's go and do such and such. That's it. Let, here's become an absolute little gem. And you know, I, this is the first time I've had this. You know, with all the other Okay. Respite ones. Um, you've only got her for a short time, so you can't do that. There's three girls that I had. Um, I got one. She was ready for potty training. I got a potty training. She was dry during the day, only had her for three months. Mine, she was dry during the day. Uh, she had an older sister so she could blurt. Her speech was beautiful. And she was what, three coming up for three? I think she was, she was about three, I can't remember now, but she would learn from her bigger, her older sister and she had a younger sister as well. But they, I dunno, they were the younger ones. They were, listen, they get older then you, you know, like they get a bit sort of, they go to school and they listen to other kitties and. I dunno, but I mean, they were lovely girls. Yeah. I'm just, all the children I've had have been great, have been lovely children. Yeah. And you know, they've, they've left, they've left me and I think, gosh, it's another one. But being the first stepping stone, I feel proud of myself. I know I've been pigheaded, but I, I feel good in myself. The fact that Oh, absolutely. The fact that I've got them in a routine. I've got them their B, they know their boundaries. They've got manners and everything like that. I've gone as far as I can now it comes up to like three to four year olds. The children change. And this is where the next people continue.

Helen:

Yeah. So it sounds like you've been on an incredible journey the past year or so. You know, there's been some lows as you've experienced, as you've described. Um, but you've, you've got through them, uh, there's been some really proud moments as well. What, what would you say is your proudest achievement in the past year or so? Pat

Pat:

being able to. Stop a child getting angry and you know, yeah, they say terrible twos, but this is what worse, it was worse than terrible twos. Um, my first one also had, what do we say? He used to scream a lot as well, but then. Also it's frustration for the child because they can't explain what they want.

Helen:

Yeah.

Pat:

Once they can try, but then they, they find that, okay, I can try something else. You know, I want something and I'll, I'll, I'll throw a patty for it. They're throwing a patty for it, and they're throwing a pad for it. But it's, it's, it's knowing that they are listening and they're understanding, and I think to me that's a, I think that's my greatest. Achievement, I think is knowing that the children are finally understanding and listening.

Helen:

Yeah.

Pat:

If you understand what I mean.

Helen:

And you've been able to develop with them Really. Which is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

Pat:

He's formed quite an attachment with me, even though, yeah,

Helen:

I'm, I can be a little bit

Pat:

strict, but he knows when he's not supposed to do it. And you know, sometimes I look and I'll just say, no. He used, it used to be, you know, um, I don't think you should do that. And then it used to be throw himself on the floor and really get angry. So and so. Go on, carry on. Right? You finishing now? Yes. Okay.

Helen:

Oh, well that's so good to hear, pat, that you've, you, that you've had, uh, that progress with him. That's really, really lovely. And just before we finish, pat, you've, you've had a full feature in The Guardian, haven't you? How was that for you?

Pat:

I don't think I actually read it.

Helen:

What was it like to do though? What was, what was the experience like I said,

Pat:

you know what, um, my husband said to me, oh, he says, can I talk to you now that you've been in The Guardian? He said, not everybody gets an a, a, an issue, you know, a, a write up in the Guardian. Yeah. I said, well, nice to do it at my age, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. It's me. I think to myself, I know I said this last time, okay, you've retired. What do you wanna do? Sit on your backside all the time. Just plod around and do nothing. Especially women. I mean, we, females have always been busy. If you've got kids, they've grown up and everything, you know, you still got that mother instinct. You're not too old to do it. I mean, I started two years ago and I'm 77 now. I dunno how long I can do it, but I will do it for as long as I can. I mean, okay. Yeah, you've gotta take them. The disadvantage I suppose, can be the annoying bit, I dunno, disadvantaged, annoying, I dunno. It's when you take them to family contact and you're taking their, the children to meet up with their parents and their siblings and. You find that when you bring them home on, you know, their sort of reaction and how they change and, you know, they become a little aggressive and angry, annoyed. I dunno what goes through their head, but it is being able to calm them down, make them feel safe, make them feel loved. And that's what it's all about, isn't it? It is, yeah. It's just making them, it, it's all about them. Being able to feel safe and feel loved. Yeah. And not being ignored, you know, knowing that they, there is somebody there for them. Yeah.

Helen:

Oh, well Pat, it's been so lovely to chat to you and catch up with how you've been getting on in the last year or so. It's been a journey, hasn't it? But it's really, really good to hear that has, there's been a lot of positive that you can take from it. Um, and, and long may continue. So thank you so, so much and uh, take care. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.