Voices of Fostering

Fiza - Creating a Warm Welcome

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 28

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In this episode of 'Voices of Fostering,' Helen interviews Fiza, a dedicated foster carer for over 10 years. Fiza shares her journey from discovering the concept of fostering to fostering with her husband and birth children. She discusses the influence of her neighbour in her decision to foster and how fostering has impacted her family. 

Fiza provides insights into the challenges and rewards of fostering teenagers, asylum seekers, and parent-and-child placements. She emphasises the importance of compassion, empathy, and not taking things personally in fostering. 

Fiza also highlights the critical support from her family and community in her fostering journey. Tune in to learn about the profound difference fostering can make in the lives of both carers and children.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering Today I am joined by Za, who's one of our lovely foster carers. Hello, za. Welcome. Hi Helen. Nice to meet you. Hi. Oh, you too. Thank you so much for joining us on the podcast today. So I'm really keen to learn about your fostering journey 'cause it's been over 10 years now, hasn't it? Since you've been fostering and you foster with your husband and your three birth children. So tell us about what it was that that led you to fostering back in 2014.

Fiza:

Actually, uh, I was completely unaware of the concept, uh, that exists in this country that's fostering because I came back from Pakistan. We stayed in Dubai for some time. Uh, it goes back very, very long ago when I was a teenager. Since then, I really. I really wanted to do something for children and, uh, had a, a bit of a rough, uh, bringing up and, uh, there was nobody for us, uh, US siblings. Yeah. And I thought that would be a very good idea to do something for, uh, a single child. I was actually into adoption. But when I move into this country, I gave birth to my other child, my middle child. Then I thought, we are ready to adopt a child. And I, uh, called one of the agency and I didn't know what fostering is actually, to be honest.

Helen:

So, yeah. So the, the concept of fostering was quite new to you then. So what was it like learning about that and how, how did you learn and educate yourself on it?

Fiza:

So, uh, when I called the agency, they said, I'm not ready for adoption at the moment because my baby was just born. And they said that actually you can do fostering. And uh, that time I adjusted off the, because the babies was quite young and I was into, uh, uh, adoption, not fostering, but when we moved into this house, uh, one of my neighbors, she was my, she was already a foster carer, so she introduced me to this and she said, uh, with one child, you can only give a better future warmth, love, safety, to only. One child by adoption, but with fostering, actually you can look after so many children, they will take so much from your home. And that actually clicked me in my mind. Yeah. And I thought, why not? We can do that. And back then I didn't even know that it's, it's, uh, they pay an allowance for fostering. So we were already for adoption on our own without any support of social workers or anything like that. And, uh, children's were really young. My children, my children were young back then. Uh, youngest was 2-year-old. And, uh, since then. They have seen foster children coming in and out and it's a norm for them now.

Helen:

Yeah. So that moment then with you, you say it was your neighbor. I love it when I hear these stories of where people have been inspired by others. Like another story I had recently on the podcast was somebody was in the hairdressers. And the person next to them in the hairdressers basically was the reason that they now foster, because you know, they had a conversation and it sparked something in them. And for you, it was your neighbor. So can you remember, was it just one conversation or was it just like sort of buildup of knowing that they fostered and that you were interested in it?

Fiza:

I think Ev I think that's my personal perspective, that I think everybody's cut to do something in this world. So I think I was cut to be with children because I love children so much. I did not want to do nine to five job because my children's, uh, would be affected, their time would be affected. So I fell in love with this concept of staying at home, looking after my own children, while looking after other children as well. Yeah. And giving them. Which is already in abundance with me. In my family, we can share. We love, uh, we provide fa fun time for children. So it really, really clicked me and, uh, I did not even give it a second thought, to be honest. The moment she told me, I said, yes, I'll jump in it. Like how? That

Helen:

sounds amazing. That's. For me, sign me up. Brilliant. Yeah. So you've had 25, around 25, uh, young people stay with you. Tell us about some of those young people, because you've had teenagers, you've had asylum seekers, you've had parent and child as well. So, so tell us about some of, some of those experiences.

Fiza:

Um, actually every child brings so much new adventure to my life and we learn so much for them. People usually say that they take from us. The children when they leave, I say, actually, I take so much from them and my family learn so much from them. I looked after some asylum seekers, as you mentioned, as teenagers. Uh, children, when you welcome them with open arms, no biased. Uh, when they come on the page, on the referral, uh, document, they might be different. They might be very challenging. It might scare you sometimes, but, uh, it's fine. I would say if you are. Welcoming them with open arms. They see that, they feel that energy, that they're being accepted, they're being welcomed, they're respected in this household. Their opinion, their say matters. And that changes, uh, their experience and their mindset, which they comes with because this young person had. So much bias and he had so much stigma in his mindset for, uh, people from my cultural background or a religious background, we changed in five months, like drastically. And I'm so happy that we were given this opportunity actually to bring that difference in his life.

Helen:

I. Yeah. And I know about you, fsa, that you are quite passionate about your, um, parent and child, um, experiences that you, that you have of, of youngsters that come to live with you and they have a baby with them as well. Tell us about that and what's that, what that's like?

Fiza:

Uh, it's like mentoring actually a mother who is struggling with, uh, motherhood because there could be many reasons behind it. Maybe failed relationship, uh, abusive relationship or maybe their own bringing up in a family where mostly one of the parent has been absent or they've been domestic abuse. So when they come to my household, I proudly say that. Me and my husband, we have a very, very positive, strong relationship. He knows my value and I knows I know his value. So what? When they come here and they are so nervous, they're so scared because imagine being an adult, living with another family. I. With your baby. Yeah.

Helen:

Well, I was gonna say that fizzy, just just so people understand, is this sometimes young people who have had a baby, so they might be under 18. Oh, and then is it sometimes adults as well?

Fiza:

Yes, yes. Sometime it's you people, maybe 16, 14, 15, under 18. So they are themselves children actually. Yeah. Imagine that having the responsibility of another person on you. So, and sometime it's maybe 20, 30, sometime 35 years old adults who. Dealing who are finding it very difficult or who have some sort of learning disabilities or whose concept of relationship is really confused. So when they come to a stable household and then they observe how the two partners in the house work together, how they respect each other's opinions, how they help each other, how they support each other, then it really, really helps them to move on. Uh, I, I proudly can say. I'm, I looked after mom and babies and they went back home together. Yeah. Because the worst would be separating mom and baby. And I really, really worked towards, uh, toward a structure where mom is, uh, learning so much and then she eventually, and the end gets to go home with the baby. So that's a really possible outcome for them.

Helen:

Yeah, it sounds, absolutely. And what's your support network like fsa, because obviously, you know, you have the support of your fostering agency, um, but do you also have family and friends that support you? I understand your mother-in-law helps you as well. Can you, can you tell us a little bit about the network that's surround you?

Fiza:

It's, it's everybody around me is so accepting. Again, I'm using that word because without this word, we won't be able to go through any journey that we do. Uh, my friends are always there for me. If I need them, my neighbors are there for me. Even my next door neighbor, uh, he's always keeping an eye on our house. So anything, uh, he see my foster child or my child and he says, oh, your young lead was there. I was watching him. It's a very close knit community, and my family is really, really supported, uh, supporting in this, uh, whole journey for me when my family comes from Pakistan and they know I have a foster child, so they're being presents for them and they ask me the age, uh, the gender. So then the residents are, um, you know, tailored for them. Uh, so I, yes, I've always, always had support from my family. My children is my biggest strength. My mother-in-law, she lives with us for six months of the year, and then she goes back and she has so much knowledge about fostering. She doesn't understand English, but she's so confident and she will tell the child and make them feel like they're a part of her family as well. Yeah, like one of their children.

Helen:

So it's really, and Izzy, you talked earlier about that first young person who you had to come and live with you and how that was quite a learning curve because he was from a completely different culture to you and you learn a lot from him. Do you have experiences the other way around where people, you know, young people and children come and live with you and, and they embrace your culture and they learn from your culture?

Fiza:

Yes. It was so funny. I had once the same, the same young man, um, I was praying and you know, when we pray, we just stand up like this and then we look at the mat and then we do still, we don't talk, we don't listen. We just, it's like meditation. So one day he came running upstairs. Now he was in 17 and a half. He came running upstairs and he looked at me and he was in shock and he was like. What's happening to her, why she ceased, what has happened is she on some kind of like spell or something. And then once I did my, um, you know, finished my prayers and I said, what happened? And he was like, I was surprised what happened to you for three minutes. You were silent, you were just doing movement and what happened to you? And I'm like. So this is how it works. Yeah, this is do it. So, yes, of course, as, as I learned their culture. Any child who comes before, I always go through their ethnicity. Uh, I Google everything about their culture, their religion. So I'm always ready, uh, to accept, uh, whatever is coming to me with knowledge, because without knowledge, I don't, I didn't want them to feel like. I'm not equipped enough to look after them and their needs. So, yeah. Um, it, it is fun both ways. Yeah. They definitely learn from us as well. Do

Helen:

you sometimes though, have Muslim children come to live with you? Because I imagine it's quite important for them to, you know, to, to be able to still experience their faith and, and be in a, uh, you know, a household that supports that.

Fiza:

Yes, definitely, definitely. We had, uh, we have lots, we asylum seeker young, because I speak Pashto and that is the language spoken in Afghanistan. Okay. Some of the areas in Afghanistan, so young asylum seeker from Afghanistan. Uh, when they come, uh, I, I love looking after them because I know their culture. I know their, uh, background, I know their expectations and I know exactly how to. Teach them to integrate in this society because otherwise they would be on the roads. They don't even know how to, what to do and how to do in this culture to to be accepted. So that is my favorite part to do. Uh, helping young asylum seeker.

Helen:

Yeah. Uh.

Fiza:

From different backgrounds.

Helen:

You know, there's a lot in, in the media at the moment, Fior isn't there about asylum seekers. There's a, there's a lot of commentary about it. Can you tell us what it's like when you've had an asylum seeker come and live with you and the experience they've had and how they present what, how, you know, what their experience is like when they arrive with you?

Fiza:

Oh my God, they look like teenagers. But inside they're like scared little children. Uh, all of them whom I looked after, they were really fragile, scared. They don't know what to do because they have, they come from such a difficult journey. 11 countries by foot, snow, water, river. And they, they see death so much on their way. Their, their friends, their siblings passed away all the way. And they have seen people drowning in water. They tell me their stories and that just breaks my heart that these are the genuine people who come, like, especially young asylum seeker children. I'm not sure about adults, but you, I always look after children, so I can only speak on their behalf. Mm-hmm. And when they see a home. A roof warm meal, warm behavior of people towards them, that changes everything in their life. And then you can see the gratefulness in their eyes and how, how, uh, appreciative they are of the fact that they came to a country where the religion is not there, where the culture is not there, but they're accepted, they are welcomed with both hands open. So, um. I would want more and more people to look after asylum seeker, young asylum seeker, because it's very scary. Uh, to be honest, it is scary. You don't know who they are. You don't know what their background was. When the referral comes, it just says, young asylum seeker. There is no background. There is no history. We don't know anything about them. So it is very scary to let any stranger in your house, but again, once. Once they come in, once you see how little in their heart, they're little children, they're not like scary big men or boys or girls. So, uh, yeah, it, it helps actually. It helps understand them.

Helen:

What would you say, fisa, is that the number one quality that somebody needs to, to be a foster carer? What do you need within you?

Fiza:

I think you need the compassion and empathy. Uh, these are the two things, and you should never take anything personal. These children will come, they will throw things at you that you did not cause. That did not happen because of you. But, uh, it is their trauma. It's not towards you, is not for you, but their behavior. If you are being, um. Unbiased and just give them a hundred percent a chance. They might swear at you. They might be challenging behavior, there might be other, uh, uh, issues from streets. Never ever take it as they're doing it to you as an insult. So don't take things personal, be compassionate, be. Have lots of empathy and that will help you go through from start till end of your journey with that young person.

Helen:

And when you show that compassion and empathy to a child or young person who's in foster care, what does it mean to them?

Fiza:

Oh, it means the world to them. Now imagine they've been rejected. They have seen rejection, abuse, hatred, um, sometime physical sexual abuse, sometime harassment, sometime neglect. Now imagine they have seen that all their life, and then when they come to your house sometime they find it very difficult and they would push you. I. They would not accept it, they would make it challenging for you. They will, because their, their brain is trained in a way that they say that's not possible. How can this person decline to me without a purpose? So there must be some agenda. Uh, they will reject it. So just be ready for all the outcomes. Not every child is going to accept the hug or the, the, the way you welcome them, they might resent it. So. For them to settle down, for them to learn about you, for them to be at ease at your home and learn about your, uh, your ways of family. Uh, I think all you need to be very patient because not every child is going to accept it straight away. I. Sometime it'll take weeks, sometime it will take months. But you need to be persistent. Don't feel, uh, hopeless that, oh, I'm doing so much for this child, and look at that. You, um, you know, um, thankless person. No, no, no, it's not against you. Again. Then here comes the, don't take anything personal because it's not about you. It's, they have seen it so much in their life from their own birth parents, from their own families. That, for them to get their head around it, that how. How can a stranger be so kind to me while my own birth parents hasn't been or other reasons? So just be persistent and don't take anything personal.

Helen:

Za, it is been an absolute pleasure to speak to you today, and I feel like I've learned so much from you. It's just incredible to listen to you. So thank you so much and best of luck as you continue on your fostering journey.

Fiza:

You know, I have one quote, uh, Helen, I would want to share it with you. It's not a quote, it's a, it's a, a young person remarks once they left from my hand. Yeah. It, it was a, the 16-year-old young, uh, white English boy. Um, when he left, he said, sent me a text and he said, za, everything in your home was warm. You, your food, the bed and the whole house was warm. Now I moved out and everything here is cold. The food, the bed, the warmth and the love. So he moved on and he moved on to some of his further family. And that hit me so hard that it was, it was sad actually. Uh. He said, we only eat frozen food from the freezer. They don't turn the heating on, so it's not always a happy ending. When they move out, they will be happy. It would be giving them a chance to stand up on their two feet. That comparison hit me so hard that he took that from us and uh, it made at least some difference in your life for some time.

Helen:

Yeah, and if you can be that warmth for a child, then what an incredible thing to be able to do.

Fiza:

Exactly, Helen.

Helen:

Well, I think that's a perfect point to leave it on. Thank you so much, za and, uh, take care and continue to spread

Fiza:

that warmth. Thank you so much, Helen, for giving me this opportunity where somebody might hear my words and it might help them make a decision and come towards forestry and had children.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster. I.