Voices of Fostering

Lucy - We are a family of foster carers!

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 26

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In this episode of 'Voices of Fostering,' we are joined by Lucy, a dedicated foster carer who shares her unique journey from growing up in a fostering family to becoming a foster parent herself. Lucy talks about the natural progression into fostering, the emotional highs and lows, and the immense support from her family. Learn about the profound impact fostering has had on her own children and how it has become a way of life, providing stability and love to children in need. Lucy also discusses the importance of empathy, resilience, and the invaluable support from social workers and community groups.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

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Helen:

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering, where I'm joined by one of our lovely foster carers, Lucy. Hello, Lucy. Thank you so much for joining us today. Really, really looking forward to hearing your story. Now, you've got quite an interesting story, Lucy, because you come from a fostering family, and Nan, you decided to foster yourself. So tell us about, you know, your upbringing and, and what led you to fostering.

Lucy:

Um, yeah, so it just felt really natural to me that there are different types of families and that a fostering family is just one of those types of families that are a bit different. Um, so it felt quite natural for me to then go on to foster after having my own children. Um, and I feel like it shaped my life. For the better really. And just, you know, develop my understanding of others and, um, you know, just empathy and, and all of those things. Um, I wanted my youngest to be of an age where she could understand, um, what fostering meant. And that it might not be permanent. Um, and, you know, things like that. Um, so yeah, so we decided really, and I haven't always, you know, I used to say I wouldn't foster. I wouldn't foster because, um, you know, there are times where it's really hard. Um, but as I got older, I think I learned to realize more the benefits. Um. That, you know, and the impact that it had on me as a person. And so, yeah, so then after speaking to my husband, we decided that it was something that we would like to do. And my sister also fosters, she's got three boys. Um, so yeah, so we've got quite a good, um, support system around us. That's enabled us to, to do that.

Helen:

So can you tell us what you remember, Lucy, from your childhood and what it was like growing up, uh, in a fostering family?

Lucy:

Um, yeah, so exciting, um, because obviously when you are expecting a new placement, um, or you're waiting for the call for a new placement, you've got that anticipation. You don't know what what's. Gonna happen or when, um, and you are preparing the room and you know, you'll get, we would go out and get some clothes of different sizes. Um, so I remember that part being quite exciting. Um, but also on the flip side of that, there are the goodbyes when it's time to say goodbye to certain children. And, and that was really hard. Um. Then perhaps you might only have a short break and you, you know, we would get another placement in. So I think I found that quite difficult. But overall, um, the children that stayed with us long term are my brothers and sisters and, you know, we had big Christmases together and um, you know, it is just, yeah, it's just one big family that's just, yeah, just different.

Helen:

Yeah, I guess. And you must feel quite grateful to your family for, for giving you that experience as a child.

Lucy:

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I am grateful and I think, um, I. Yeah, it's just so different. But then I think, and the way that I talk about it to my children and to friends and, and people that perhaps don't know, um, much about what fostering is, um, it is just a different family. And, you know, there are stepchildren, half siblings and stepdads and step moms and different kinds of families. Um, and so for me this is a really normal way of being and it is a way of life. Um, and we are really lucky that we have now got our, um, placement long term. So we've got our two long term and they were our first placement. So, um, luckily for my three, they haven't had that, you know, sadness, trauma, whatever, of having to say goodbye. Yeah. Um, to anyone. So that's, that's been really good as well. I think that's really suited us, um, because. Yeah, we could just really get them settled into our home, our way of life, um, and just share our experiences with them, which is one of the really great things is that you get to experience so many new things with them and just see them experiencing things for the first time and, and also because my children are older, it's just so nice to see. That they're getting excited about Christmas again and the Christmas is magical again. Yeah.'cause we have two little ones to share it with and we did the whole elf on the shelf thing with them. And um, yeah, just Easter, even like egg hunts probably wouldn't do that for the older children because we've got the little ones. It just makes it exciting and everyone gets involved. So, yeah. So yeah, just it is really positive and yeah, just. Our way of life. Yeah.

Helen:

Yeah. So you've got three birth children and you've been fostering now for three years. So what sort of differences have you seen in them? Has it had a positive impact on them in that time? I.

Lucy:

Yeah, definitely. And I think, um, and it hasn't always been easy, but I'm really proud of them because they've shown such resilience and, um, compassion and empathy, um, towards our little ones. And, um, so I think. Yeah. May not so much difference in who they are. Mm-hmm. Because they've obviously, they, they, they've grown up with fostering anyway because my parents still do it, my sister does it. Um, and I think even for them, it felt like a natural thing for us to go on to do as well. Mm-hmm. Um, and they would actually even ask me, my eldest would ask me, when will we foster? When are we gonna foster? Yeah. Um, but yeah. But then just, you know, explaining to him that it has to be the right time. Yeah. And that, that my youngest would have to be old enough to really understand what it meant. Um, and that sometimes children will come, but they will maybe have to go back to their birth family or maybe they'll, you know, go on to be adopted or whatever. Um. So, yeah, it was just really important for me that, that they understood that. But ultimately I'm just really proud of all of them. I'm proud of all five of them, um, for just really embracing this new life, I guess, that we have because it's so different to before. Mm-hmm. Um, and there were a lot of challenges. I think the, you know, the first sort of 18 months really, you know, it's, it's. New to everyone. It takes such a long time to settle new children in. And, you know, to begin with, we had a lot of contact, um, which, um, was just physically difficult to get everybody where they needed to be and for our, the older children to still be able to go to clubs and see friends and things like that. So, um, I think for us, those early days, that first year was quite stressful as a family, but we worked through it. Um, and. I know that they are really proud to, to be involved with it and, and really see them as their siblings Yeah. As I do mine.

Helen:

So when you say you had a lot of contact, Lucy, just for anyone listening who might not understand, do you mean contact with the birth family?

Lucy:

Yeah. Yeah.

Helen:

And, and what's that like, how, how do you manage that?

Lucy:

I just think, again, with a lot of empathy and understanding of the reasons why that, that needs to happen. Yeah. Um. Although sometimes it can be, you know, upsetting for whatever reasons. Um, but, but yeah, just I think, I think more for us was the physical challenge of actually getting them there, picking them up and, and stuff like that. Um. But yeah. But yeah, so contact, yeah, was, it was several times a week to begin with. Um, and when you've gone from, you know, only having three children, um, to then suddenly you've got two extra children and lots of contact, it is tough. But then what we did was make the most of the little windows of opportunity we had, so right. They're at contact for an hour, let's pop up the road and go to Starbucks and get some treats and have some time and catch up. And let's have some time in the car. Perhaps they've fallen asleep because, you know, they're shuttered as well. Um, so yeah, just making sure that you've always, that's the thing that I've definitely, um, learned along the way is that everybody needs time with us, me and my husband, they all need that individual time. Um, but yeah, it was harder to do then and it was all very new and all very fresh. Um, but looking back. I'm really proud of the way that they just accepted it and if they had to miss the odd football training or whatever, there was no, you know, resentment at all. They just, they just got it that it's difficult right now. It's not gonna be forever. Um. And that, yeah, that was the journey that we were on, I guess. Yeah. Again, it's just part of that developing resilience for them. Yeah,

Helen:

and it, it sounds like Lucy, like your, you know, your fostering family life is very busy. There's a lot going on, as you say, in those early days, there was a lot of contact and there was a lot of, you know, appointments and things that you needed to do, but do you still feel like being a fostering family is a, is a great lifestyle?

Lucy:

Yeah, I do. Yeah, I'm around all the time for everyone. So again, in the early stages that the little ones were not at school again, that was quite challenging because I'd gone from having no children at home for quite a long time to then having two little ones at home and then big ones coming in after school. Um, but yeah, I really, I, I think a lot more people should consider it that have younger children at home. I think, you know, a lot of people say to me, oh, I'd love to foster, but, and a lot of time it is because they haven't got the room. Um, which obviously is a big barrier. Um, but some of the times it's not. And some of the times I think, I dunno, it's just maybe a lack of understanding of what it really involves and that. Yeah, I dunno. I do, I think because I grew up with it again, it was just so natural to me. Yeah. Um, and it has been a, you know, a great journey. Um, but also just so different because when I was growing up, I was a sibling. I wasn't a parent. So then becoming, you know, I had all these ideas before I fostered about what an amazing foster parent I was going to be the perfect foster parent. Um, and I think that. Yeah, it shocked me how, how different it was in reality. Yeah. For me as a parent to, to be a foster, a foster mom. Um, and also just, you know, I did so much research before about therapeutic parenting and, you know, I thought I had it down, but then in, in practical terms, you are living it, it's your life. Yeah. It's not a job. It is, it really is a lifestyle. Um, and I think that there needs to be more. Emphasis on because, you know, as a everyday parent, um, there's so much emphasis now on just being a good enough parent. And I think that that is missing in the therapeutic parenting world is that you know, you are human and you are trying your best. Um, and you, you know, every day is not gonna be perfect, and you're not going to be a perfect therapeutic parent every day. Um, but I think, yeah, I, I would love to hear more, um. You know, more of the similar sayings, like a good enough therapeutic parent, just good enough because you are trying your best. Mm-hmm. And that should be good enough. Um, but yeah, I think we have so much support from our supervising social worker who really sees how hard we work and she really considers the whole family. Um, so for us, she has been. Really, really crucial in the success of our lives. Really. Yeah. And, and the placement

Helen:

and yeah. You mentioned there, Lucy, about how, you know, some people say they don't think they can foster, um, because of X, Y, and Z and. And one of the reasons might be if they've not had birth children and they maybe don't have experience directly with children yet. But I just wanted to talk a little bit about your background with your career, because there's actually a lot of transferable skills you can get from, from your job, isn't there? Um, and the jobs that you've done in the past. So can you tell us a little bit about maybe things that you've learned in your, in the career that you've had that has maybe stood you in good stead for, for being a foster parent as well?

Lucy:

Um, I think as well, just life can, can, you know, challenges that you face in everyday life can prepare you for the challenges that you might face in fostering. Um, but I worked for Kemp Police as a victim and witness care officer. Um. You know, straight after college I went into that. So I was quite young. So that was, um, quite a steep learning curve for me, um, in terms of dealing with vulnerable people, um, which were adults. Um, but yeah, so that, that was, yeah, that was quite good. But again, I think that my earlier experiences of childhood helped with that as well. Yeah, definitely. So it sort of followed on to that. I also worked in a transgender clinic in London, um, for a few years. Um, and that I just, yeah, I just think dealing with people and just having empathy again, you know, working for Kent Police, you working with victims that have been through. You know, really horrible experiences, um, sometimes. Um, and just developing a really good com you know, communication skills are so important and that's so important with fostering as well. You need to be able to communicate Yeah. With your supervising social worker and just be honest about how things are going and how you're feeling, um, so that you can really get a, a good level of support as you need it. Um, yeah, so, so yeah, just.

Helen:

Yeah, there's a, there's a lot that people can glean from different areas of their life, and as you said, it's just living life, isn't it? Sometimes when you sit down and you think about the things that you've done and the things that you've achieved and the maybe the tough experiences that others have been through, you know that they can all be experiences that can make you into a great foster carer.

Lucy:

Definitely. Yeah. And I just think the willingness to, um, to put your all into it and to just do your best and just to know that if you, you know, if your heart's in it and you feel a calling to foster, um, and you have, you know, all of those things, that empathy and understanding and you have a desire to connect with them and really understand them as people. Um, I think it is. It's so meaningful. Um, and just, yeah, just, just to see them experience things that they might not otherwise experience means so much. And yeah, it's just meant so much to my children as well to see that. So I think, um, but yeah, I, I think as well, as long as you have an understanding in your net worth around you. Um, that's really important. You need to have people around you that are really supportive of, of your plans to foster. And perhaps if you don't have so much of that, then you need to find it once you foster. Yeah. And you need to attend the support groups and just, you know, meet people that really like get where you are coming from. Because unless you. Talk to somebody who also fosters, you're not going to, you just won't understand what it's like. You can't, um. Until you are in it. Yeah.

Helen:

So Lucy, you know, you grew up in a fostering family, you've become a foster carer yourself. You say one of your siblings is as well. Um, and now you've got three children who are, are, are on the cusp of adulthood, really, aren't they? Do, do you think that they'll end up doing it as well? Do you think it's gonna carry on along the line?

Lucy:

Um, yeah, they do talk about it a lot. Wow. Um. Yeah, so my daughter says that she definitely wants to foster when she's older. Yeah. She's not keen on having children of her own. Okay. She would rather foster. Yeah. Um, yeah, Thomas, my middle one says that he would, he would love to foster as well. Um, so yeah, I think they really see the benefits in it and, um, just, yeah, just how, how nice it can be and how you just plan. You know, just even that small things like planning what we're gonna do in the summer and buying a trampoline for them and just getting excited about those experiences and holidays and weekends away and, and yeah, they've, they've definitely fully embraced it and I think at least one of them will seriously. Go on to to, to think about it when they're older. Yeah.

Helen:

And we always talk about Lucy, the impact that fostering obviously has on, on the children in care, you know, the, the, the children and young people who are being fostered. But we really can't underestimate the, the positive impact it can have on, on birth children.'cause you are living proof of that.

Lucy:

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. And, and like I said, there are challenges and it, it can be, um, difficult. But again, I just, that for me, um, helps them to build resilience because life isn't easy. It's not going to be a walk in the park for them. Um, and I think it's, it's really good for them to just establish, um. A level of their own, you know, resilience and security early on so that they can, um, yeah, just embed that for their adult lives.

Helen:

Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for chatting to us today, Lucy. It's been fantastic to hear your story and best luck with the future. Thank. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.