Voices of Fostering

Darren: Fostering with Pride

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 22

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In this heartfelt episode host Helen chats with Darren, a dedicated foster carer of 13 years. 

Darren discusses his journey into fostering with his husband, driven by the desire to make a significant impact on fewer individuals rather than a minimal impact on many. 

He shares the challenges they faced, particularly the acceptance as a same-sex couple, and their encounter with the supportive agency that embraced their uniqueness. 

Darren reflects on the positive transformations in their lives, the cohesive community they built with other foster carers, and the invaluable life lessons learned. He highlights the profound successes, such as fostering long-term connections and creating a stable, loving environment for children. 

Darren's story is a powerful testament to the incredible impact fostering has not only on the children but also on the carers themselves. Join us to be inspired by Darren's journey and explore the transformative power of foster care.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello, and welcome to this episode of our podcast, voices of Fostering Today. I'm joined by Darren, who's one of our foster carers. Hello, Darren. Hi, Helen. Hi, Darren. Thank you so much for joining us today. Um, now we've chatted before, but way back during the pandemic. Um, so we've got a bit of catching up to, do you, you've been a, a foster carer with your husband for, is it. 13 years now.

Darren:

Yeah, 13 years now. Wow. It's really gone quite quick actually. I bet it has. Can't believe it's that long. Yeah.

Helen:

So remind us, Darren, like what was it that that brought you to fostering? How did it all begin?

Darren:

Uh, so both myself and my husband had jobs where. Uh, we helped a lot of people a little bit and, uh, sometimes that's frustrating. So he was a teacher, um, and I worked for YMCA with older kids and, uh, we both just used to feel like, you know, we're having an impact. But we're not having the impact that actually really helps and transforms lives. And so we kind of looked at options and we just thought actually fostering seemed like the right thing for us. So rather than helping lots of people a little bit, we wanted to help a few people a lot and really change lives.

Helen:

I absolutely love that. I've never really thought about that before. So helping a lot of people a little bit. Instead, you wanted to help less people, but more. Because you felt like that was more impactful. Yeah. Impact. Yeah. Yeah,

Darren:

impact is the word. Yeah.

Helen:

Yeah. So how did it all begin then?

Darren:

Uh, so, um, we weren't sure like 13 years ago, we just weren't fully sure how it would all work and, um, actually even being a gay couple, whether we'd be accepted for fostering and stuff. So we went to a, um, seminar day up in London, um, and it was called like the Alternative Family Show or something similar to that. And, uh, we went to various talks. And we met different agencies who had stands at this event. Um, and we kind of, we spoke about fostering and we were on the train home. We were like, yeah, we are dead certain on fostering. So we booked together with a few of those agencies had like home visits with them and we didn't actually like any of them. Um, it felt very much, uh. That they would put up with us being gay rather than embrace us being gay carers. Okay. Yeah. Um, and so we just left it and about a year passed and then I sat in the barbers and my, uh, hairdresser said to me. You know, you, did you ever do the fostering? I said, actually, no. And I told her the reason why and the person sat next to me having their hair done, said, you really need to go with he farm because everything you are saying that you want is what they offer. Um, and so we called them up. We went to visit them the following week, and we were on the skills to foster the following day. Oh my goodness. So we were really impressed. It was everything that we were looking for.

Helen:

Yeah. Um, and

Darren:

we've not really looked back ever since.

Helen:

And Darren, do you think there still is, or there still are people who think that as a same sex couple you can't foster? Do you, do you think there is still that attitude?

Darren:

Yeah. Uh, I'd, yeah. So I don't, um, I. What I don't come across is people that say you shouldn't be able to do it. Oh, that, that's disgusting, right? It's not. There's none of that. Yeah.

Helen:

Yeah.

Darren:

But, uh, with, when you get chat with other gay people, I don't think they really realize it's much of an option for them. Um, so whether it's just not on their radar or because, um, people speak about like, oh, I'd love to have baby Bio VF or adopt whatever, but fostering just doesn't ever seem to come into things, and I think that's why I'm quite keen on. Advocating because, um, yeah, I want everyone to know that it's an option. Yeah.'cause it's been brilliant for us.

Helen:

Yeah. Really, really brilliant. Yeah. So you say at the start of your journey, you were welcome with open arms and, and how did that go then with your assessment process? What was it like?

Darren:

Uh, I loved our assessment process. Uh, I really, really enjoyed it. It was a, it's a real kind of deep dive into your life, um, but in a really. Gentle supportive way. Um, and actually I'd say me and James really learned a lot about each other through that process as well. And you reflect and think about your own upbringing and you sort of, um, think, oh, okay, what would I do differently? What would I do the same? Uh, and yeah, it really prepares you for what might come through the door. Um, and it helps to open your mind. So yeah, we found it to be a really positive experience. Um. Yeah, and we loved the skills to foster at the beginning, so it's called something different now. I think it's, I did mine so long ago. Um, but actually it was just, it was fantastic to kind of learn and consider all the different parts that fostering might bring. Really opened our eyes and. Got us ready for what was to come.

Helen:

Yeah. Yeah. Because there, there are a lot of, it is still skills to foster and there there is a lot to learn. There's a lot of training there because I think you are quite passionate, aren't you, Darren, about, um, treating foster carers as professionals. You know, you, you, you're do, you're doing, it's more than a job, but you, you are doing your job, aren't you?

Darren:

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I've, I've noticed this. It was something that started to creep in, uh, and it was never stuff. Uh, rn, but local authorities and things, they'd say, oh, we need to have a professionals meeting about that. And then you'd realize, oh, my name isn't on the list. And to some people, foster carers just weren't regarded as the professionals. Um, and I think, no, actually we are probably the most. So if you consider, what does professional really mean? It means turning up every day. It means being there. It means excellent record keeping, following legislations, uh, advocating for what's needed, managing, uh, budgeting. All of that is foster care. Actually, I'm, I'm just as professional as anyone else sat in that room. Um, and I'm probably, when we're in their room speaking about the child, whoever that child might be, I'm probably the one that knows them the most. So in a way, I regard myself as one of the most important professionals. Um, and I think that really matters because, uh, for everyone to have the confidence to sit in a meeting and say. Say the truth, uh, which is hard to do, but is really important because these kids have already had a hard time before they've come into foster care. Yeah. We need to do everything we can to make their life better.

Helen:

Yeah, and it, it sounds like Darren, like you, you are so proud of being a foster carer. You, you must feel really proud when, you know, like, when you tell people what you do or you have to fill out a form or you know, how does it feel when you tell people?

Darren:

Yeah, I, I am really proud actually. It's the biggest success of my life. Um, and it's just been the most life-changing thing for us and the children that we've cared for. Um, and like we're still in touch with our first foster child. I. He's now 21. He just lives around the corner. We see him all the time. We're still his dad's. He's Christmas, he's around our hours for a week and, uh, we holidays together and all that. So yeah, when I see him and I think, wow, we helped turn him into who he is and where he is now. That makes me feel proud. Um, and I'll tell you what else makes me feel proud. Is, uh, the type of fostering that we do. So we do long-term fostering. So sometimes you'll meet people and they'll say, oh, foster care. That's amazing. How many kids have you looked after? Obviously expecting like a really high number. Yeah.'cause I think the, the perception of foster care is that, oh, it's just a churn of kids and, you know, wow. You've looked after 500 children, but for maximum of like a week at a somewhere. No, actually we've had four long term. Children that have lived with us. Yeah. And we've had a real impact. And, uh, we are a cohesive family unit. And, um, yeah, unfortunately for whatever reasons, varying reasons, they couldn't have that with their biological families. But we've given them that and some far more. I'm really, really proud of our low number. Yeah. Um, as much as I would be if I was doing a different sort of foster care, which also has its place, um, with the high number. But yeah, really, I, I just love it. Like the years just just gone by. So since, um, last time I spoke to you during the pandemic, we've got two siblings that have moved in with us now.

Helen:

Yeah.

Darren:

Um, and they've been with us for a few years and just. To keep them together as a unit, but to embrace them within our wider unit. It's just, it's kind of magic. Yeah. I really like it.

Helen:

And you've really fulfilled that mission, haven't you, Darin of, of helping less people, but, but more,

Darren:

yeah, that's how it feels. Yeah, that's definitely, yeah. And um. Yeah. And, and, and to be honest, they helps us. Like the, the development that we've had and the things that we've learned and the, the, the fun that they've brought to our lives is, yeah, it's, I miserable. It's been really great.

Helen:

Yeah. Thinking back Darren to the, the people that you and your husband were before you were foster carers, would you say you are, you're different people now?

Darren:

Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm a lot more confident than I used to be and I feel like that's come from a place of, sometimes it's quite hard to like advocate for your own needs. Yeah. It's far easier to advocate for a child in need and so actually that kind of gives you practice of. Now I need to speak up. And this isn't about me and my low confidence levels. This is about meeting the needs for the child. And, and uh, that can sometimes be something really simple, like just going in and having a chat with the cast teacher and saying it's not quite working out for them at the moment. Can we make a change? Or they don't like coming in on a Thursday, can we problem themselves together and work out what is it on a. Actually everyone has then been really receptive to that. So then that builds your own personal confidence 'cause you feel like that's gone really well. I've, I've met their need and then the following week when they go in happily on a Thursday morning just feels like such a big win for them. Um, but also for me, yeah, it's been really nice.

Helen:

Yeah. And you know, thinking back down into that time in the hairdressers where, you know, you were, um, inspired by somebody else really, weren't you, like just a, a chance meeting? Um, do you think you've influenced anyone else in, in a similar way? Like,

Darren:

uh, yeah, so. Uh, I had a friend that I went to university with, which was 20 years ago now, and, uh, we were just Facebook friends in that way that you don't really see each other much. Um, but she, uh, had got married and stuff and we were kind of, I just sent her a message saying, oh, congratulations. And she said, oh, I'll be meaning to message you. Because we've been thinking about fostering ourselves and really, really similar situations. So he was a TA in a school. Yeah. And, uh, she worked for, uh, a refuge working with children in a refuge. And, uh, in a very similar way, they were just drawn to making a bigger change to less people. It, it was a lot of, um, similarities there. Yeah. And so, uh, yeah, they came round, uh, they came for dinner. They had dinner with us and our children and just kind of got a feel for it. And yeah, then they applied the following week and then they approved his foster carers.

Helen:

Amazing. So,

Darren:

yeah, it's been really nice and I'm fairly sure that like, um. So with, there's been other people in my life who, uh, I think they'll go for it when the time is right for them because they've seen how much he's brought to our life. So they might not be at that point yet, but I think it will happen for them.

Helen:

Yeah. And you know, obviously life's an up and down journey, isn't it, Darren? And there's this challenges. What, what would you say have been some of the challenges as, as part of your fostering journey and, and how have you overcome them?

Darren:

Uh, so probably the biggest challenge, I suppose, was, um, when we had our first foster child, uh, who's the one who's now 21, and, um, I. He, within that first year I got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and that was quite hard for me to take and I very much felt like that would be the end of my career. I was really worried about him being removed from us and what impact AMA that may have. Um, and actually I couldn't have been more wrong, thankfully. Uh, the agency had been really embracing, uh, and really, uh, just put a lot of support into place if it's required. Um, and, uh, yeah, there was, it was a lot to get my head around. Yeah. And so I had, uh, extra therapy from the agency, had like extra home visits and we really kind of put together quite a. Good plan in place for me to have a bit of time to get my head around it, but then also how it might impact me moving on. Um, and so in the long run we made the decision that actually my husband would also leave his job. Um, and we had an extra foster child and it was just the best thing we ever did. Uh, so it's really interesting how from a bad. Really bad news. Yeah. Has come like the most amazing outcome. Yeah. It's been really, really good.

Helen:

Yeah. I think it's important to realize that, isn't it Darren, that you become a foster carer, but that doesn't mean that life stops, you know? And it's like, right, you've got foster children living with you now. Like that's it. Things happen, you know? Health struggles happen. Life happens. And you can definitely adapt and move with those changes, can't you? And, and your fostering support network and, and your agency help you with all that, don't

Darren:

they? Absolutely. And it, it's really interesting the support network idea.'cause when you apply to foster you, you are asked who is your support network? But I think what's easy to. Miss Out is your future support network. Yeah. All the other foster carers, uh, who are local to you, you, you meet each other, you go to activities together, you have support groups together and uh, you really get to know them and you are all in that same boat together and like. It's now I find myself in a situation where as new carers come through, I'm the one offering new advice. But when I started I just soaked up every bit of advice I could get from every direction. Um, and we've, we've made some of our best friends, I. Through fostering. Uh, and that's been also quite life changing for us. Yeah. So you think, oh, okay. I know who my support network will be. That does change over time 'cause because it's people who get it. So that's, I think that's really high up there for me as being a foster carer. And I think sometimes when, um, you go for a rough patch, and maybe that's like your personal life, so. I don't, I'm thinking of a carer who, uh, a relative of theirs passed away over Christmas. Yeah. And actually all of the carers. Pulled, pulled around them and like, okay, can we help you in practical ways? Can we help you in your, do you wanna go for a coffee and have a chat? Do you want us to take your child out for the afternoon and give you a break? And also give them a sense of fun and, and because you all know each other, that just feels like a really normal. Organic fins. It's not like, oh, you are the child's being sent somewhere actually a child wants to go because you are all with each other all the time.

Helen:

Yeah. It's

Darren:

a real community feeling here.

Helen:

I imagine there's a WhatsApp group, isn't there, Darren?

Darren:

Oh yeah. Plenty of WhatsApp groups. Although I don't like them. I try and keep out of them, but yes. I'm sure there are plenty,

Helen:

but there's always people there to help you, isn't there?

Darren:

Absolutely. What

Helen:

would she say, Darren, looking back over the past 13 years, as has been the, the highlight, what's been the best thing about your fostering journey so far?

Darren:

There are so many. It's hard to choose and you know, it's the little things. It's the really, um, so sometimes, like I remember, um, my. Uh, f the first foster child, our eldest, he was just in the wrong school for so long, and then we moved his school and even that wasn't quite the right place. So they moved into like the sister school when he finally got there, and I picked him up on his first day and he said what a brilliant day he'd had. Mm-hmm. That I just burst into tears because it just felt like it had been such a buildup. Yeah. And he'd never really enjoyed school. And it just felt like, oh, the, I guess it was relief, but also I was just so pleased for him that he'd found his place. Um. Uh, yeah, I mean, in another way we took the two that we have with us now. We took them to Florida for two weeks and they just embraced it and loved it and it every single ride and we just had the most fun. Um, and I think that's it. It's often the moments of fun that mean the most, uh, so you can, you know, like all families, you have rough patches and the children are arguing or whatever, but then that ability to get together and go and have a day at the beach or whatever, just. Yeah. You just sit back and you think, wow, when I grew up, never did I imagine that my life would be me and my husband and our children having a day out. Like it just, yeah, that that was the dream. And I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm living it. That

Helen:

is so beautiful. I think we. I think we'll end there. Darrin, thank you so, so much. And it's been so lovely to catch up with you in it and to hear about the massive impacts that, that you and your husband are having on the, the children and young people in your life. So thank you so, so much.

Darren:

Well, thank you. And thank you for spreading the word it's needed.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.