Voices of Fostering

Travis - Moving from the Corporate world to Fostering!

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 18

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, we sit down with Travis, a dedicated foster carer for nearly a decade. Travis shares his transformational journey from a monotonous corporate job to providing a loving and nurturing environment for children and teenagers in foster care. Hear about the emotional and rewarding experiences he's had, the challenges and misconceptions he's faced, and the incredible impact fostering has made on his life and the lives of the children he's cared for. If you're considering fostering, Travis's story is a heartwarming and insightful testimonial on the positive change it can bring.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering where today I'm delighted to be joined by one of our lovely foster carers, Travis. Hello, Travis.

Travis:

Hello.

Helen:

Hello. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining us. Um, so you've been a foster carer for quite a while now, haven't you? 10 years. Is that right?

Travis:

Yeah. 10, just, just under 10 years.

Helen:

Um, can you remember all the way back a decade ago, what it was that, that made you decide to be a foster carer? Tell us about that.

Travis:

Okay, so it's a long story, but I'll try and not go on too much. So I was, I was in work and I went to a corporate company. I was sitting there at a desk doing the same monotonous, thankless job. Um, and it was just same thing over and over again. And I think what it was, I was quite a high performer at my job. So I made the company a lot of money, which was great for them. But for me, it was just, what is this? What am I doing here? And it just sort of didn't fit right. It didn't, just didn't settle with me. And one of these people are very, um, Like a free spirit. I like to, I like to challenge myself and push myself. And I just thought while I was in this company, it was just the same thing over and over again, and it was just thankless. And I thought, but what am I doing? What is this? I'm spending 10 hours a day sitting here in front of a computer, making this company lots of money. And I think, well, that's not, it's all right in there. And it just didn't. I just didn't, I didn't feel anything from it. It was just a job and I didn't like it and I wasn't happy. I thought I need to do something. Um, and I was, I was 37 or something like that at the time. Um, 35, 35. And I thought I need to do something. And then, but I was too old for a career change, apparently. So I thought, well, what do you want, what do you want to do? And I just sat there with myself and I thought, well, what, what are you good at? And I thought, I like helping people. I'm happy when I'm helping people. And I like helping children because when I was younger, I used to work on holiday 18. And I was a lifeguard at a big holiday park, Butlins. I lived in Petheli, Bognor Regis. So big holiday camps. I was a holiday rep in Spain when I was 24. So I was always around young people. And the young people tended to gravitate towards me. I don't know why it's probably because I'm like a kid myself, but I could kick, I could connect to young kids. I don't know. And I've always been like that. And I think what it is, because when I was younger. My parents and my mom will say this. She wasn't maternal, um, at all. She tried her best, but she wasn't affectionate or maternal. She just, yeah. Okay. We've had a baby. We'll give it its needs, but that's it. Don't don't engage with me. She won't hug me. She's a lovely person, but she can't, it's the same with my dad, they can't hug because they're too thingy, and it's not good, it's not good for a child, especially someone like me when I was a kid, I was very, I wanted, I was shy, and I needed that, and I never got it. And I was easily embarrassed and things like that. And my mom was loud. And so it's sort of, I knew when I was a kid, I thought, why, why doesn't my mom treat me like my friend's mom, if my friend's mom or dad treated me, if I lived with them, I'd be, I knew I did expand and become something big and I knew it. And, uh, I always knew when I was a kid, I'll never treat kids like that. If they knew how children should be treated. And, and I think that's always played on my mind. And that's why I always had this. This way with children, because I could see through them, if that makes sense. And, I thought, I like that. I'm good at that. I'm really good at that. And I thought, why am I sitting here working for these bigwigs? And I thought, what am I doing? And I thought, I want, and I never had children of my own because my wife couldn't get pregnant, um, because she's a lot older than me. So I'm like a toy boy, which is good. Um, but I just wanted to help kids. And I didn't even know what fostering was. And it just, I was in work one day and then it just sort of happened. And then I told my wife, I said, Oh, someone's coming around to, to see us. Like an evaluator. And she's like, what have you been doing now? I'm like, no, it's, we're just going to try something. And then this person came around from the agency fostering solutions. And then they talked to us and explained it to us exactly what it, what it is and what it entails. And I thought, can I do this? And I knew I could. Could I have a child or a young person come and live with us and literally change their, not change their life, but almost set them up on a different path, a positive path with structure and routine and things like that and bring something out inside them that's been suppressed or something like that. And I, and I knew I could. Six months later, before I knew it, we were, um, we were qualified foster carers and it's a lot harder than that when it happened. That's why I did it because in a nutshell, we're all children in my eyes. We're all, we might be old, but we're still kids and we're still learning and developing and we all get stressed and we have to deal with reality in different ways. But I think with children, it's so difficult because they're not emotionally mature. So they need someone like I did, like we all do. Someone older, like a father or mother to say, listen, it's all right. And give you your needs, but not just that set you up on a path. So you don't have to worry. Cause I was, I was always in a state of fear when I was a child. I always thought something bad was going to happen. I was, and because I wasn't being, I didn't have this sense of security wrapped around me. I always felt uneasy, like, oh, and it's horrible. You shouldn't do that to kids. Um, and it happens all the time, even if good parents do it subconsciously, they're not consciously aware of how they're interacting with children. And I knew, I thought, I know how I want to be interacted with and, and you see these children, I thought I could see it and I could, because I can see, I can give them them, them needs that they need.

Helen:

Yeah.

Travis:

Um, that inner security. So that was basically how it started. So, yeah.

Helen:

So you were in this job that, as you said, was just monotonous. It wasn't fulfilling your needs. Sounds like you were bored and, and you needed something really that made your heart sing, that, that connected with you. And. And fostering, you thought fostering is going to be that, when it started, when you got your first child that came to live with you, was it everything you imagined it was going to be?

Travis:

Um, truthfully. Because one thing I've learned in life, you've got to tell the truth with children as well. Um, truthfully, my expectations, this is the reality. I expected the worst case scenario. I expected a young person to come in my house and I had all these rumors. I thought, are they going to smash my house up? Am I a stranger? How are they going to? How am I going to build rapport, instant rapport and attachment with a young person who's just come from a chaotic background. So I had to expect the worst. And that didn't happen when, when the person came, it was a, it was a girl. And I wasn't expecting that. I thought, well, we'll offer little children and she was a teenage girl. Um, but it was, it was for, this is, this is, this is fine. This is not what you think it is. I always think the idea of something. And then the reality is two completely different things. So my expectations was the worst thing possible, but the reality was, no, it's these children that they just want the needs to be met. They don't want, they don't want a lot. They don't, a lot of them don't even ask for it. You have to just give it to them. Um, But yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't what I thought it was. It was, it was better. It was easier when I say easier emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, everything. It was, I thought this is easy, but I had to remind myself not to get complacent, but yeah, it's, uh, Yeah, I just found it natural. That's for me, very natural. And you're,

Helen:

you say your first, uh, young person who came to live with you was a teenage girl. Did you stay with that age bracket or have you had children and young people of all ages?

Travis:

Right. So when I, when I, this is the idea, this is life, isn't it? You got, you expect something. Or you've got an idea like, Oh, if I won the lottery, I'd buy this, I'd buy that. You wouldn't. If you won the lottery, literally, you thought, Oh, what am I going to do? Cause that's life. So I had an expectation. I'm going to have little, little children. We're going to be all well behaved and you're going to be grateful. Like, but that's not reality. The reality was we got a teenager and now we could have refused it. We could have said, no, we don't, we don't want to take this young person. But we said, well, let's just try it. Let's not be ignorant. We don't know. I've never had teenagers before. Especially a girl, let's try it. And it worked. And ever since then, I've had 16 children. I've got three children now. And every single one of them has been a teenage boy. Right.

Helen:

Wow. And

Travis:

that wasn't the plan, but now it's sort of stuck because my wife and I, that's, that's what we're known for, teenagers, teenage boys. So we've always had boys since, and it's good. And then yeah, they have challenges that they don't come over little angels and that's right. They shouldn't do because they've experienced trauma. Um, and they're not sure of themselves and they have a very low self esteem and self worth and self identity because they don't know who they are because they haven't been able to express themselves and articulate themselves. But what happens when them young people come to us, even though they've got challenging behaviors? And usually with us, in our case, it's always came, a young person has always come from another foster placement. Maybe that could be like a local authority and it's broke down because the local authority foster carers couldn't, um, meet that child's needs. So then it gets referred and says, and then we say, okay, we will, because what we do, we approach the children in a different way. Um, and it works. So what we've been doing, we've been doing it for so long, it's almost become a subconsciously automatic process. We just, we can just interact with it, with a child on it, on their level. So what we'll do, we won't, we'll look at the child through their own perception. So as I'm talking to the child, I'll see that child as they're seeing me, if that makes sense. It's like you, for example, I'm sorry, I'm going to put you on the spot. I'll just give you an example. So you know what I'm talking about? Uh, you're interviewing me now, but if I just changed my body language slightly, now I'm interviewing you, aren't I? Right. So this is what I mean. And it was uncomfortable, but this is what you do. You've got a lot of people aren't aware of this. They just think I know what I'm doing. I've been a parent for 20 years. I brought me grandkids up. It's not like that. You have to really know what you're talking about. You need to know what you're doing. And if you do, that child is gonna thrive, literally thrive. One of my kids, and they're all my kids, that's what we call them. I've got one lad, I can say his name. He doesn't mind because he's an adult now. His name's Lewis and he's 21. He was just on the phone to me and he's like, God, dad, and I've had him since he was 11 and he's, he's, he's just thriving. He's got a house now. He's getting married this year and he's got, he works in the army. He's financially secure and all his needs are met. If, and if you knew where he came from and how he's experienced this reality in the past, it doesn't make sense. How has he become this functional, proactive, positive young man, if it doesn't make sense? But it does when you understand, because what we did, we got his insecurities and we made him aware of it. We changed how he approached these negative emotions that he has until they become something else. And then we put them back into him and then lifted them up. And it's a process of self development and growth. So now he's going to take over the world. So he's, it's

Helen:

great.

Travis:

And

Helen:

how does that feel for you, Travis? You know, 10 years ago you were in a job you hated, um, you didn't have children or young people in your life, and now you've got a 21 year old ringing up calling you dad, like, how does that feel?

Travis:

Natural.

Helen:

Yeah.

Travis:

Because that's Lewis. I had Riley on the phone talking to his mum, which is my wife. He was another young person. He is an adult now. He's got his own bricklaying company. And he's like, he's ringing me up asking about tax returns because he's got his own business. It's natural.

Helen:

Yeah.

Travis:

Um, because the, the children, a lot of them. We have, they don't just come into care with us. And then they turn 18 and then see, see, cause I'm not playing that game. And I've said that to him, it goes, if we're, if you're, and I say this to the children, it goes, you're with us now you're part of our family. So we're together. So once you leave, You're 18. You're not going anywhere. You're staying here. So you get married, get a job and settle down. This is what we do. This isn't for everyone, but this is what we do. Our intention is to, you're with us now. And the, the, the child's like, well, because they're not used to that. They're used to rejection. So when you give them responsibility and say, no, you're with me now, they're like, well, what? But deep down, subconsciously, emotionally, they're like, Oh, I like this. They love it because now they're part of something,

Helen:

they're

Travis:

part of something.

Helen:

Yeah, that feeling of belonging. Absolutely. Yeah. And, and tell me Travis about your wife because it sounds like, you know, you, you instigated becoming foster carers. Was she, was she in straight away or did she take a bit of convincing?

Travis:

No. No, she, she was, I didn't just spring it on her. It was conversations. I'm not that bad. She'd kill me, but the wife's the boss, I do what she says. So, um, no, she was good with it because we wouldn't do it if, if she was uneasy at all, it wouldn't have happened. She can't do that. It's a, it's a massive commitment. Other people and families like people do, they have an opinion. Um, some of them are positives, but some of them are negative. And But it didn't matter what people said. It wasn't about anyone else. Um, my mom said something and I said, Oh, I'm thinking about fostering. And she said, I wouldn't bother. I'm like, where are we going? I went, why? It's good. It's glorified babysitting. And I'm thinking, how do you know that? How do you know it's glorified babysitting? Well, I said, and I'm thinking, you don't know, I didn't say this, but she didn't know she was ignorant and we do that. We think it's something and we go, no, but once you understand what it is, you go, Oh, actually. And you'll find this when I get my hair cut at the barbers, people say, what'd you do? I'll say, I'm a foster carrier. And they suddenly stop cutting the hair and that they're intrigued because they don't understand it. They think what is fostering? And they have this mental picture, which we all do a preconceived idea of what it is, but that's not the reality. If you knew what the reality was, you go, Oh, actually, this is really good. You're actually doing something. You literally changing a human being's life. Right. And. You just, it's great because. it keeps you younger. Um, stress keeps you younger, by the way, certain types of stress, because you've got to keep on the ball all the time. So, yeah. Um, my wife was fine with it. Sorry, I'm waffling off, but my wife was fine with it. Other people weren't, but now they weren't in the beginning. Yeah.

Helen:

And you've changed their perceptions. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Travis:

So all, all my family now and my wife's family, they treat our kids like their kids. So they get spoiled, you know, when it's Christmas and birthdays. We'll get presents off all, all our family and things like that. So the, the part of, The part of the family, there's, there's no separation. It's not like, Oh, you're a looked after child. It's like, no, you're our son. And for someone to say, Oh, that person is in car. It doesn't resonate because that that's not how it is. We don't treat them like that and we don't put this fake persona on like, Oh, we're trying to be the perfect parents. We're not. We are their parents. Biologically. No. But so what? Mental, the way father just means to father someone, to mother someone. That's what it means. And, and that's what we do and it works and everyone's happy and yeah. Yeah, it's good. It's really good.

Helen:

Oh, it's been wonderful talking to you today, Travis, and what would you say is, is the biggest thing you've learned about yourself in the last 10 years? If you think back to, you know, that Travis 10 years ago, who was in the job that he hated, and now 10 years later, you know, you've been through so much. What, what have you learned?

Travis:

Why was a, what a waste of time. Why was I sitting there in an office for seven, eight years? Well, I can't, there's no fundamental memories that I've got of it. It was the same job and it doesn't matter what your job, even. I've had lots of jobs, but the pattern is still the same. You get up, you go to work, you come home, you get stressed, get up, go. I think maybe you're going all deep a couple of times a year. What the last 10 years, my life is just, it's whoa, whoa. Oh, it's like that. I don't know what's going to happen next, but it's always positive because if any negative challenges come along, it doesn't matter because I can just go like, come here and then turn it around. You get the negative and you turn it around. It's called the law of polarity. You can't have. a right side without having a left. You can't go up without going down. So if any challenges come to us, we get it, we change it, we lift it up and we do it all the time. And as long as you do that, that's when, um, everyone's happy. And, uh, that's why I'm always smiling and giggling because I'm always in a state. So yeah, sorry. If anyone's thinking about foster, foster caring, right? Or fostering. You're gonna have a preconceived idea of what it is. It's not like that. Okay, it's what you make it if you're willing to put your vulnerable empathetic And you're a naturally caring person, the child will react to you the same way. If you're going in it for the wrong reasons, the child will know they're not stupid, right? Their brain is like a sponge, but if you're genuine caring and you do want the best for them, you'll create a rapport and you'll, and what will happen. It'll benefit your life and enriches your life. My family is massive. Because I'm fostering my, my phone is constantly ringing because of all these kids, but they're not kids. Now they're adults. They won't leave me alone. Dad, dad, dad. And then my foster children are having kids of their own and they'll, they call me granddad, but it's good, right? Because that's who I am to them. And that'll always be the way. Um, so yeah, if you're thinking of fostering. You'll know, you'll know, but you've got to do it for the right reasons. And that is, if you're an empathetic person, you care about people and you care about yourself and you want to help someone and self develop yourself and that person that go for it, because it's great.

Helen:

Yeah.

Travis:

It is. It's really good.

Helen:

Oh, well, it's been wonderful talking to you, Travis. Thank you so, so much and best of luck with the future. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.