Voices of Fostering

Khaira - Growing Up in a Fostering Family

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 20

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, we welcome Khaira, who shares her heartfelt and insightful experiences as a birth child in a fostering family. Khaira recounts her journey from being a 12-year-old excited about her family becoming a fostering family to today, reflecting on how this unique upbringing shaped her character, values, and future aspirations. She discusses the initial challenges, the joy of welcoming new children into her home, and the invaluable life lessons learned along the way. If you're considering fostering and have birth children, Khaira's story offers a comprehensive and honest look at the positive and challenging aspects of fostering from a sibling's perspective. Join us to hear how fostering has not only enriched her life but also prepared her for a compassionate and fulfilling future.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

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Helen:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering. Now, if you are considering becoming a foster carer, you might have birth children and you might be wondering how being a foster carer and becoming a fostering family is going to affect them. Well, I am, uh, really, really excited to introduce our next guest. Uh, who's Kyra. Hello Kyra. Hi, so Kyra, I'm really, really looking forward to chatting to you today because you were a birth child, weren't you? As we, as we call them. Um,

Khaira:

yeah.

Helen:

So you were 12 years old and your family decided, uh, to, to become a fostering family. So, so tell us about that. What do you remember of it from when you were 12?

Khaira:

I remember it being a difficult year in our family in general, and my mum was going through a career change. She wanted, she wasn't happy in her current job, and she knew that she wanted to pursue fostering, and she'd been thinking about it for a number of years. I think she was waiting until my sister and I had gotten a little bit older before she fully made that decision. And then the opportunity came up, um, when she was made redundant from her previous job and she thought I'm gonna take this leap. And so Sabria I have my sister, she's um, the year below me in school, um, were obviously ecstatic. We're two, um, um, you know, pre pubescent teenagers ready to have children in the house and ready to have, um, babies because that initially was the thing I'm a misogynist was. Um, from a foster carer from children under five. So for us, that was, that was really great. Cause we got to play mummy as well. Um, yeah. Um, so that's kind of how it started.

Helen:

And did your mum sort of involve you and your sister in the decision or did she, can you remember when she told you that that's what she was going to do?

Khaira:

So I remember it being in conversation, I remember my mum involving me in the communication process from the beginning. I remember my mum talking to us about what it would entail as a family and also becoming a foster girl is no small task really. There was a, it's a lengthy process with lots of. And checks and lots of house visits and lots of family interviews and lots of character references and things like that. So I would say it's a process, it was a process that we're all actively involved in. So I'd say, um, of course, a part of the process was that people spoke to us about how we felt about fostering and how we would feel. About mum going forward and being a foster carer and obviously we think our mum's the best mum in the world. We've always wanted to share her with everyone else, you know.

Helen:

Yeah,

Khaira:

so you had

Helen:

an opportunity to rave about how amazing your mum was really. So, so yeah, so you were very much part of the assessment then, you and your sister. Do you remember what that was like?

Khaira:

I remember being quite daunted by it. I mean, I was 12, so I didn't really have I'm a highly confident person anyway, but I remember my sister, um, sugar a little bit but the people were really really great in the way they were speaking about it and they filled us with confidence, they filled us with confidence about the process and It was a lot easier than I initially expected, to be honest with you. I know my mum found it quite stressful, obviously, because,

Helen:

but I didn't think it was stressful on the kids at all. Right. And then, what about that first, you know, child that came, or young person that came to live with you, or baby? Was it a baby? Can you remember that? Yeah. Tell us about it.

Khaira:

Our first baby was a little baby called Naya. And she was the most beautiful little baby that you could ever, ever imagine. And she instantly became part of our family. And, um, yeah, she was just fantastic. I think the first one was definitely the hardest. When it moves on to the adopted family and the process that it went on with. I think it was obviously a big life adjustment for all of us. The fact that we had the new cots and we had the new, and my mum's priority necessarily wasn't us in the same way. Um, like we had a small baby with physical needs and that was crying, needed feeding and everything. And that was definitely an adjustment for my sister and I. I think the joy that we got from having a new member of the family really did outweigh, outweigh any negatives, you know, um, I think the only times I remember really when I was, um, in school, feeling a little bit, not neglected as such, but challenging, a challenging time, uh, with being a foster carer and stuff was, um, maybe parents evenings, um, when, um, we'd bring, we'd bring a baby to the parents evening and, um, And the baby would cry or something and my teachers would be like, Oh, it's a baby. And it's like, oh no, this is about me, this is about me. That wasn't my mum's fault, you know. That wasn't anything that my mum was doing. It was obviously sometimes when attention is It's taken away from maybe your, your birth child in certain social situations, but there are measures and things that when you, when I spoke to my mom about it, that, um, like we, there are ways around it. Like we'd leave the baby with, with, um, my, my mom's best friend for the evening or we'd organize childminder or something like that just to ensure that balance was there. Um, I think one thing was, was, was the communication going through and ensuring that you keep that balance. Thanks. And I think it's easy to do if you just, if you just keep talking.

Helen:

Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And keeping those lines of communication open and checking in with each other, how you're all feeling. You say that, you know, the positives outweighed the negatives, but I imagine there are some challenging times. Can you remember any particular challenges? You described there the parents evening, but anything else that, you know, was, was difficult and, and how you overcame it?

Khaira:

I think, as we all become teenagers especially, me going through, I went to an all girls private school, um, on a scholarship, and my sister went to a very different school, and then obviously, so, I think our mum was being pulled in quite a lot of different directions, and, Um, my Nana just passed away, so I think it was a difficult time in the family for all of us anyway. And I was going through a proper little teenage crisis, like, I was, um, you know, it was all about me, me, me. I was very sensitive, I had a lot of emotions, there was a big hormone, like, hormone rage and ball of angst and, and everything. Man, I think what was really difficult for me in during those times was, I couldn't articulate for myself exactly what I needed from my mum and what I needed from my family. And it's quite easy to use, um, the fostering profession, or to use the fostering. Um, you don't give me any attention, you don't give me any attention, this, this type of thing. When that wasn't necessarily the case, I couldn't really Explaining myself in the way that I needed it to. And there was some harder things, like I remember on my 16th birthday, one of the big, well bless, one of the babies we had, um, was, um, we'd just picked him up from the hospital, and he's in withdrawal, and he had a broken leg, and there was an infection in the broken leg, so we had to go, um, into hospital, but it was my 16th birthday that we went in and did it, and it was, it was just a day, like, the next day, like, we had the party planned anyway, it wasn't like, it wasn't anything else, it was, That was kind of hard as, as a child to kind of see this tangible sacrifice that had to be made, you know? Um, but obviously you wouldn't want to see, like, a member of your family suffer, and that's what every child felt like, every child felt like a member of the family, you know? But, as you would be angry with a sibling for ruining your day, you'd be angry with Both laugh.

Helen:

But looking back though, Kyra, do you feel like you, you learned things from those experiences? You know, as you say, you made sacrifices for these children that were in your home. I imagine you learned a lot from that and that built your character.

Khaira:

Yeah. I think one of the things I pride myself on now is my kindness and generosity to other people. I don't think I'd be the person I was today without the growing up in a fostering household. Um, I don't think that I'd have the same kind of values. I don't think I'd have the same kind of relationships with other people. I don't think I would prioritize kindness in my day to day life in the way that other people do. Um, I think it really opens your eyes up to the world and I don't think that I'm sheltered in the way that maybe other people are. And I think I've got my head screwed on when it comes to making decisions, like real life decisions about every aspect of life you come into contact with. Even like when you go and you go to the contact centers and you see like different walks of life and different families and things like in children's hospitals for like different medical things or like going on the school run with your mum like now like I helped the school run and things and it's like it's almost like you get to be a mummy in training like I've had to go now like I'm a pro at changing nappies like I am so ready to have so many kids like um and I don't think I would have felt as prepared and almost matured, but in a healthy way, you know, like emotionally matured. Um, I'm like learning a lot of soft skills. I don't, I don't, I think a lot of people just don't, just don't get, which I think is a really great thing for kids to have. And I know it's something that I'm going to do when I'm older is be, is be a foster carer.

Helen:

Yeah. Well, I was going to ask you that Cara, cause you know, you're 24 now, you obviously speak so highly of fostering. It's really changed your life. For the better. It's made you into such a compassionate, well rounded young woman. Do you think you'll do it yourself when you're older?

Khaira:

A hundred percent. Yeah. I really want to have one of my own babies naturally, if I can. Um, there's so many great, great, great kids out there. Do you know what I mean? I, I think it's one of the best things we've ever done, especially yet to meet some such, such fantastic people as well. Like we go to, um, The fostering, um, my mom's had some great, built such great communities from it as well. Like my mom was a sick wimp, you know, I wouldn't say that she had, um, um, a great network as such before she began fostering. But now, um, like what, how many years have we been now, what, 12 years in?

Helen:

Yeah.

Khaira:

And, um, the people that she's met, like the things that she does now, like, it's incredible. Like we go to a pantomime with like, um, with the kids and you get to experience all these amazing things and you get to go and, um, Yeah. It's like, it's such a brilliant community that you tap into. And also there's such great support. Yeah. Like she goes for coffee more and she's got a busy social life than me. You know?

Helen:

We always say that when I chat to people on this podcast, that your network becomes really, really big, you know, and it's, it's just really lovely. So your, your mum's still going now then? She's still fostering. Yeah.

Khaira:

Yeah. I

Helen:

have two

Khaira:

kids at the moment.

Helen:

Oh, amazing. So do you still live with your, your mum now? Are you still at home?

Khaira:

Aye. Just moved back. So I went to uni for like four years and then went to, uh, live in Manchester for a year, um, start my new job. But then I just moved back because I actually just got engaged. So it's so good

Helen:

it wasn't. Oh, congratulations.

Khaira:

So is there other babies in the house at the moment then? So we actually don't have children at the moment, um, babies. We have, um, a seven year old and a nine year old, yeah.

Helen:

And what, what do your friends, and when you were younger as well, what did your friends and people at school, you know, think about the fact that you were a fostering family? Can you remember?

Khaira:

I remember that when my mom first started fostering, there was a big stigma around foster carers and that people would kind of say, so like, oh, I, what? Did what your mom work i'd? Oh, she's a foster carer. Oh, right, okay. But what, what does she actually do? Like, what's, what's a day job? Um, and I was like, no. Well, she looks after like. Children that need, like, a higher level of care and that is her job to make sure that they have the best start in life. And you're like, well, what does that mean? And, you know, and I was like, well, yeah, she's a full time foster mum. And that's, and that's, that's an important job, you know, like, um, like, there's, there's a lot, there's a lot of balance. And I did find myself quite a lot explaining myself, people saying like, Well, yeah, she's a foster carer. But then I'd be like, I don't know anyone else with an explanation. I would just stop there, then I'd be like, yeah, she's a foster carer.

Helen:

Yeah, because they had their own assumptions about it, and maybe things that weren't correct. Do you think that you had any assumptions before you became a fostering family that maybe turned out not to be true? Or were there any parts of fostering that really surprised you?

Khaira:

Well, I was never allowed to watch Trey Speaker or anything like that, you know what I mean, going into things like this. So I didn't really have any stereotypes or anything like that going into it. All I knew was that, um, we would be looking after kids. And the way my mum always explained it would be, so they had the tummy mummy, and then the foster mummy's like the train to the forever mummy. And so my mum was like the little train conductor from like from, from, from, from A to B. So that's what I saw her as, was to give these kids a best start in life. But yeah, um. Well, because I haven't unlearned bad habits and learn to be loved in the way that they deserve to be loved and, you know, have the best start in life. And that's how I, how we always were explained it, like, um, and that's how I always explain it to other people that, um, it's not like, some horrible foster stereotype that you see maybe on like, like the American system or whatever, or like, um, these, these stereotypes of like people that just do it to like get on, like get loads of money and take loads of kids in and the kids just run away and things like that. Like that's never ever what, how we saw it. Um, because obviously we're taking like vulnerable, vulnerable children that like, like undefined. Um, just didn't have any idea about what, what, what life should be and how they should be loved and how any different and then like, even in those moments where you think like, when me and my sister and I were feeling a bit more selfish and you think, Oh yeah, well, um, Oh, I want my mom tonight and stuff like this. You just think, well, like this, this family did never had. They've never, they've never felt the love of my mum and my mum's a very, very loving person and she, believe me, she's got enough love, enough love to know her aunt, do you know what I mean? Like, literally, yeah.

Helen:

You, um, you said there, I have to ask, um, Kairi, you said there about Tracy Beaker. I've never watched Tracy Beaker. Was Tracy Beaker in foster care?

Khaira:

Tracy Beaker was in Care. Right. I've still never watched it.

Helen:

No, I mean, I've heard of it. It's like a household name really, but I've never watched it. Maybe we need to get somebody from Tracy Beaker on the podcast. I didn't realise. I think

Khaira:

she'll have to. Yeah, I think she'll have to. I know, there's like Elaine the Pain and she's a social worker in it. And there's a lot of kids. I don't know if it's necessarily Fostering. But I know there's different families and stuff in it, but I never watched any of that or anything like that when I was growing up. Well, we'll have to watch it.

Helen:

Um, so if there was anyone watching, Kyra, who was considering becoming a foster carer and they've got birth children, you know, what, what would you say to them if they were, if they were worried about how it's going to affect those birth children? Like, you know, what advice would you give them?

Khaira:

First of all, I'd say it's a big commitment. You should speak to your children about it 100%. You should make sure that there is actually space in your family and in your home for that. And you should also speak to the wider family, um, about, um, fostering decision and about how you're thinking about it in house. the support you'd have on the more practical things like when they want to have a movie night or um, if you want to um, have practical things like babysitting like on holidays and respite things like that. Like I do think you should really talk up those practicalities. I think number two, you should always go for children. An age group, if you're thinking about foster caring, that is a good five to six years younger than your um, than like, than your current children because um, it's much easier I think to kind of develop a bond and almost take on that maternal figure when there is a not feel jealousy in the same way or like empty nest syndrome in the same way when there is the gap between your children's ages and the children that you foster. So for example, that's why it's quite easy for me and my sister um, going through because all the children that we had were under five. For the first like five, six years that we were doing it, so that was quite an easy separation to make. It meant that we didn't really interfere in the same like daily lives, so if there was any problems, it meant that the children were in a different stage of school, but it meant they could come home and still enjoy and play with those things and help teach them things and take an active role in their, in their like being raised as well, rather than the power dynamic of um, children being older than your birth children, because that can obviously be a bit more difficult. And it's also something that you've never experienced in raising a child before in as well. So, you might be biting off a little bit more than you can chew if you give someone that's older than, um, your own birth children. So they're the two main things I would say. And the third thing is I'd say, go for it. I think it's, um, it's a really really, really rewarding thing. It can be very challenging at times, but the memories that we've made with so many children, like teaching like, the children, first children how to swim, or say their first word, or, um, just like, hearing a child genuinely laugh, like genuinely laugh, because we've had a lot of really handsome children come. And seeing, seeing their progress and see how they've, how far they've come. Just sleeping through the night, you know, little things like not wetting themselves, like managing to like, brush their teeth. Like, the small wins are so rewarding. And then being able to see that process from start to finish. Where we get to see, for example, the children that have the court case. Then, they have the um, then we've been invited back to an adoption ceremony, or meeting the parents when they come to the house. Or then, and then having the parents on Facebook and stuff still, like we have some children that went to um, some Scottish accountants and um, the kids just look absolutely living life now. They go on cruises every year, you know, like, I'm sure I'm on the every, you know, they just look absolutely so popular. It's just so nice to see how far they've come, that we've had a role in their life going forward and you get to see them track their progress. It's like I've always The family that spreads out across the world, you know, um, there are sad things that happen and there are bad things that happen, but it's worth it for the good things and just to be able to be an active part in someone's life like that. It's

Helen:

great. It's great. Your, your passion for it is just infectious. It's really, really been lovely to speak to you. So just to finish off, you, you said it earlier on, but just to sort of sum up, you know, how has being part of a fostering family from being a 12 year old enriched your life? so much.

Khaira:

It's made me more emotionally in it. It's made me more, um, open to the world. It's made me less sheltered. It's made me more resilient. It's made me more hardworking. It's made me more passionate about the things that I do, and it's made me more grateful for, um, everything that I have and how lucky I am in my life. I think gratitude is something that's definitely something that's developed, um, because of foster caring. Yeah, and also just. a deep love and compassion for all the things that are around me. Um, I haven't seen, it's not, it's not the same with other people, you know. I think when you speak to other people from across the families, then there's a certain love and a knowing smile that you can see from other people, that you can see like, well, we're doing something good in this world, you know. Something, it's something tangible and it's something that's actually helping people. And I think everyone should enjoy that really, yeah.

Helen:

That's lovely. Thank you so, so much for speaking to us, Kyra. And best of luck with the future and congratulations again on your engagement. Thanks Kyra. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.