Voices of Fostering

Theresa - My daughter encouraged me to foster!

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 12

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Join us on this episode of Voices of Fostering as we chat with Theresa, a dedicated foster carer for over 17 years. Theresa shares her inspirational journey from managing a nursery to becoming a foster carer after the loss of her husband. She recounts her initial apprehensions, the challenges she faced, and the deep connections she formed with the children and their birth families. Theresa highlights the immense rewards and emotional fulfilment that fostering has brought to her life, offering invaluable insights and encouragement for those considering fostering. Don't miss this heartfelt and educational conversation!

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Helen:

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Voices of Fostering. And today I'm delighted to be joined by one of our foster carers, Theresa. Hello,.

Theresa:

Hello.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us today. It's lovely to have you on. So Theresa, you've been a foster carer for 17 years, haven't you?

Theresa:

I have, yes.

Helen:

Yes, that's quite a lot of experience and we're really looking forward to hearing all about it. So tell us, going all the way back 17 years or more, what was it that led you to, to want to become a foster carer?

Theresa:

Well, I, I've always worked with children. I run my own nursery for nearly 20 years before that into fostering. Uh, my husband then became ill, so I had to give up the nursery to look after him. And when he died in two, um, uh, my daughter, my oldest daughter had just been fostering for a year. She's a foster care also. Uh, and I didn't want to, to leave the home. In case my grandchildren felt they were losing me as well as their granddad, you know, to go back out to work again. I felt I wanted to be around them. You know, to support them through it. Uh, and my daughter suggested that I take up fostering. So I said, Oh no, I couldn't do that. I said it would break my heart giving them up. Uh, and she, I always remember what she said to me, but it's not really about us, mum. It's about the children. Right. Uh, so she said, just try it for 12 months. If it's not for you, it's not for you. And 17 years later, here I am. You found out that it was for you. Definitely. It definitely was. I mean, I, I've always said, I mean, I worked with adults in. You work with adults in every job you do. But I prefer on a daily basis in my day job, I love working with children.

Helen:

Yeah, so before you were a foster carer, you had quite a long career in childcare, didn't you? Yeah,

Theresa:

I did. Yes, I was a nanny and then I was, like I say, I had my own When I was quite young, I was nanny. Uh, and then I had opened up my own nursery. Wow. Like I say, I've run that for 20 years and had 30 children a day off from the age of two to get them ready sort of for school age, four to five years old. We had 'em till then when they moved on. Um, I still see a lot of them now. They're all grown up and got the families that was in my nursery. I get to see all, all my foster children that I had, that have had over the years. Uh, so. Not every foster carer gets the opportunity. It just depends. Um, but I'm just happy that we're one of the lucky ones and still get to see quite a lot of them. Uh, I'm godmother to two of them, foster children that is. Um, so yeah, so sometimes it's nice. The best part of fostering for me, of fostering children is when they can be placed back home with their own family. Or, if that can't be with a member of the family, because it's still family. The hardest part is when they're going for adoption, because, um, obviously those, those are people that they don't know, you don't know. You get a short time to sort of interact with these adopters, because they come to your home. So the children can get used to them for a week or two before they move on. Uh, and that's quite sad because you think, Oh, I'm never going to see him again. Or you're not going to know how to do it and if they're okay. But again, I'm one of the lucky ones. I have done, you know, and I get to see them all. They still come to visit me on special occasions, Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day. Easter, you know, all those, and I go to visit them. So the furthest I have to go is London.

Helen:

Yeah. So Theresa, you're, I know you're quite passionate about the importance of, of when a child is in foster care, uh, maintaining contact with birth families. And we'll talk about that in a second. Um, but just going back to when you, when you first started fostering, you know, your, your partner, your husband had died. Um, it was quite a big change for you, wasn't it? Can you remember how you felt at that time?

Theresa:

Yes. Um, Well, after my, when my husband died, I took a year out. Obviously I didn't do anything for a year. And, uh, because I was so used to working anyway, I couldn't sit at home and I'd spent five years at home looking after my husband. Yeah. Um, anyway, so I, I needed to be doing something to occupy myself,

Helen:

you

Theresa:

know, to keep my mind on things and focus on life ahead. You know, because we were married like the 32 years.

Helen:

Yeah.

Theresa:

Know.'cause we were married quite young. Uh, but we were both 18. So, um, when I first start, when I first, my very first placement was a 9-year-old girl. I, uh, and then I had just been approved two and a half hours when I got the phone call for this 9-year-old girl.

Helen:

Wow.

Theresa:

Right. And so I had her, and then two weeks later I had the little boy. That I took in as well. So I had two of them in two weeks of starting a fostering journey. Uh, and It was quite, um, it was exciting to see who was coming, but in the same way, it was quite tense and you're thinking, well, it's other people's children you're going to be taking care of, you know, and you want everything to be perfect. And you're thinking, Oh, I'm going to do everything I can for these children, you know, because depending on the background, because years ago, when I first started to foster, we got quite a lot of information on children that were coming into care. We don't get that anymore, but we did do then. Uh, and you think some of the stories were horrific. Um. And I thought, oh, I'm going to do everything I can to make this child feel part of a family, part of a home, a loving home. You know, that these things don't happen in this home, uh, and to reassure them that they're safe. Um, you just want to do everything for them. Right, and sometimes it's not always what you think it's going to be, right, because even though I tried really hard, and I probably tried too hard, and the children probably thought it was crazy, right, you know, because they weren't used to that neither. And that's what you forget, these children weren't used to all this kindness and this attention that we're getting, and it's sort of completely through them.

Helen:

Yeah, it can be overwhelming for them. And it's,

Theresa:

um, but like you say, over the years, you learn every single child is different. Even if they're sibling groups, don't ever think that they're all the same, because they're not. They're very different from each other, and that's why. What makes the difference because if you think that, Oh, why can't you be like your sister or your brother? They're not. They're very different children. If they were twins, they're very different children, you know. Uh, but it's, and it's listening to them, trying to feed into their emotions and how they're feeling is the most important part. Yeah. You know, not, no judgment put on me. Yeah, and

Helen:

going into every situation, I suppose, Theresa, with an open mind, really, because as you say, every child is different.

Theresa:

Every child, and don't, that would be the correct thing to say, go into it with a completely open mind. Don't go into thinking like I did. Oh, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do, everything's going to be rosy in the garden. Right? It doesn't work. Right? So you just got to follow the children. Let them lead. On what their feelings are because it does come out and you do, they all have little different personalities. And just because one eats something doesn't mean to say the other is going to eat it. Neither. Yeah. So it just don't, don't mean little things, but they're all things that you don't like it. Your brother likes it. Okay. Well, that doesn't mean I have to like it. Right. So it's just, Really, it's very much what you do with your own children, if you have children, it's very much what you do with your own, you just listen to them. To be fair, saying that, with my own children, probably, I probably would have said, well, if you don't eat it, that's all you're having.

Helen:

So Theresa, going back 17 years then, you said, you said, I'm just going to do it for 12 months. At what point did, did that, did that finish? At what point did you go, Oh yeah, it might be longer than 12 months now. Can you remember that, that point? Yes. Um,

Theresa:

and as I said, the first two children that came, it wasn't easy. All right. Uh, but it's the challenges that you face each day with the children and the changes that you can So I would probably say maybe six weeks. Oh, really? Yes. That soon? Because I could see little tiny changes. Yeah. And if I can make one tiny change in a child's life. Is that not worth doing?

Helen:

Yeah.

Theresa:

So hence the reason why I'm still doing it.

Helen:

Yeah. And that must be so rewarding, Theresa, to see those changes in children. Very.

Theresa:

And it's, I mean, like I said, these children come from all walks of life. And I think a lot of people don't, if you're not involved, in that setting. You don't know anything about it. It doesn't affect you. All right. Well, let me tell you, I hope there's people here today and I don't know how many is listening. All right. But if there's one person that I can say, please give it a go. If they can. All you need is one spare bedroom to make a child's life change. You know, and that to me would be worth all the money in the world to just have, to get one person from this today to become a foster carer.

Helen:

And as you say, you can make an amazing change to a child or young person's life, but it sounds like fostering has really made a positive change to your life, Theresa. Oh, definitely. Uh,

Theresa:

I mean, it's, as I said, my daughter was only doing it 12 months and she had the little boy at the time and that kicked me out. And I seen things that she was doing and how he was and stuff, and that was sad, and I was going around saying it's sad, you know, um, and The changes that made in my life was made me a much, I am a strong person anyway, would have made me a much stronger person. And if I'm honest, I've always been caring, but it's made me a much stronger carer as well. You know, it made me look at things from different angles, if you like. Uh, because we, we all live in this, this world and we all live in our own little bubble. And nothing affects us outside of that. What you've got to do sometimes is just take a look outside of your bubble and see that other people are not as lucky as you and especially children, you know, and that's why as well, I say, regards to what the children have come to come from, don't judge the parents. Because of the situation, never judged them because we don't know their story. Sometimes you might know a little bit of the story, but not at all. All right. Uh, and also there's this stigma that with fostering, Oh, it's all drugs and alcohol that the children come from. No, it's not. No, it's not. It could be someone that, because I've also done parent and child, as well as doing sibling groups, uh, uh, And it's just some people, it could be yourself say, you know, anyone in the 40s, any, any age, it can be any age that you get them because they've never had a child. So how did, you know, we don't get a handbook when we have a child and they're scared, they're frightened if they're doing something wrong and they're not making the right choices for the child or to keep us safe in the way that we would know how to. So I changed from sibling groups because I'd done quite a few adoptions. And a lot of the, some of the adoptions that I've done, I felt that the pair, sometimes the parents were set up a little bit to fail. All right. So I suggested. To my agency, has everybody, anybody ever thought about doing parent and child? Now, it doesn't mean to say it's a mom and a baby. It could be a dad and a baby, neither, or a mom and a dad and a baby, you know? Uh, and I said, no. So I said, well, maybe that's something that the agency needs to think about. And they did. And lo and behold, we, we set up a, there was myself and two others with the owning the Northwest as parent and child foster carers. Uh, and I've had moms that. Lovely, absolutely lovely people, like, who just didn't have a clue about a child. So my job was not to do their job as a mother for them, it was to teach them. Yeah, and to support them. You know, and then you would get some mothers that think you're a babysitter. Oh, I'm just going to see my friend, I'll be back later. Sorry, no, I'm not your babysitter. My sort of thing. So, you know, you just, there's lots and you learn a lot as you go along But whatever kind of fostering you choose to do, it all works in the same way. You're helping somebody make a difference. I have a difference in their lives. You could be saving the child's life. You could be saving a mom's life or a dad's life. You know, you could be steering them away from only what they know, which is not the right things. But once they come to you and see how you live or how, how it should be where a child is, if they're going to bring up a child, it changes their lives. You know? So, I mean, what bigger reward can you get in life? You can have all the money in the world. It would never give you that pleasure, never give you the pleasure of changing a child's life. And that's how I see it.

Helen:

And Theresa, you are very passionate about, um, as we know, when a child or young person is in foster care, quite often they maintain contact with their, with their birth family. Tell us about your experience of that and why you think that's so important.

Theresa:

Um, it's very, very important because regardless of what these children have come from or what they've seen or what they've witnessed or what they've been through, and no matter how kind or what I do for them, it's still their family. They will still absolutely love and adore their family. Okay. So again, it depends on the age. So you've got very young children that you think, oh, well, they won't understand, you know, what's happening. Yes, they do. Right. Yes to do, doesn't matter how young they are, yes to do. So to be part of the family, their own Burt family is extremely important. All right. And there's some times that you get the Burt family and we go to contacts. We take the children to see them at contact centers and the parents may not show up. All right. So then you've got a child or children who's breaking the heart crying because The parents are not there. So you've got to be able to say, Oh, don't worry. You've got to be able to distract them and say, don't worry. They might've missed the bus. You know, you make up whatever story you have to. And they said, don't worry. We'll find out. We'll see them again another day. We'll, we'll meet him another day. Don't worry about it. Let's go and have McDonald's. All right. So you just, or whatever, you just sidetracked them. And it's amazing how, even though they're very upset because they've not seen their parents. It's amazing how. Easy children can be guided in a different direction, right? Like, say, take them to McDonald's or Burger King or wherever it may be you're taking them, right? It's gone. Then everything is happy, they're usually happy after that. You come back home, and it's bedtime, right? And bedtime, mummy and daddy comes into mind again. So again, you've got to be ready for that. I miss my mommy. I want to go home. I, I want to go home to my own house. All right. Uh, again, you've got to be able to not say, you can't be saying, Oh, come on now. Get to sleep. You'd be okay. You see your mommy and daddy another day. It's, you can't, you've got to be able to sit and make them, try and make them understand, and you are listening to, uh, that you are listening to them. All right. Uh, And just try to reassure them. It's reassurance all the way through, you know, with them.

Helen:

And Theresa, as we talked about earlier, you know, every situation is different. Um, no two situations are the same. Um, can you, can you just sort of explain for people that might not be aware though? Um, that some children or young people who are in foster care, they might go on to be adopted, um, or they might go back to their birth families. Is that correct?

Theresa:

Yes, yes. Yeah. We do have a lot that go back to the birth families. Yeah. We do have them where they go back to the birth families because, again, it depends on the situation. Let's say it was domestic violence. That the children were removed from, all right, because of Walter Whitteson. So obviously then there's a certain amount of weeks that that birth family would get, like say mom or dad would have to separate with mom. Cause it's, it's not always just mom that's getting beat up. Sometimes it's dad that's getting beat up as well. All right. So who, whoever is, they would get a period of time to change, to leave their partner. And maybe move out of the house, start afresh somewhere else, right, set up a new setting for the children, you know, and then usually, let's say we'll say it's mum. So if mum comes to contact, you say, Oh, we've got, we've got a new house and I've got this for you when you come home and I've got that. Because the children will go home if mum is making all the right choices, right, and doing the right thing. And that's when the children go back home. You know, which we do have a lot at Go Back Home, not, we don't all get adopters. Yeah,

Helen:

and Theresa, when you've had situations like that, where you've had a child with you and then, you know, more and more dad has made the changes, you've maintained contact and then they've gone back to their birth family, how does that feel?

Theresa:

It feels absolutely amazing because you've not just had their children and looked after them, you've also built a relationship with the Burt parents, you know, you can become quite friendly with them. And I still just believe it or not, there's one mom that I had the three siblings and she lived quite a distance away from me. And she ended up moving down my end. She asked, she asked for a house exchange, but not quite next door to me. Right. But like about 20 minutes away. All right. And I meet her, I go and meet her for coffee. My, uh, I mean, the kids are growing up now, and the, the lad that, one of the children that I belong to is now a dad. Right, himself, uh, but there, that's why I said never judge people, because there's always another story, you know, there are many, many stories, right, but always be open minded and listen, there's always two sides to every story, as I say, which there is. That's a very true saying.

Helen:

Yeah, absolutely. So Theresa, it's been so lovely talking to you today and thank you so much for being so open and sharing your experiences with us. If anyone was watching or listening who was, who was thinking about becoming a foster carer but was maybe a bit nervous about it or unsure, you know, what would you say to them? Don't be unsure.

Theresa:

If, if you're nervous about it, Just pick up a phone, phone local authority or a fostering agency or what. You can even phone NFA, who I work for. Right. There's always somebody there to speak to you. Any questions that you need answering, they will give it to you. You know, it's, because there is a lot of people, I'm not sure. Some people think they're too old to foster. You're never too old to foster. I was supposed to retire two years ago and I'm still doing it. You know, I planned that I would retire at 65. Alright. But, here I am, 67, nearly 68, and I'm still doing it. Still

Helen:

going.

Theresa:

Yeah. No age limit. You do, well, only you do have to be over 21 and have a spare bedroom. Yeah. That's the only thing you have to do. But other than that, no. And the, and, sorry, I'm just getting a little bit back again to the contact. If anyone did decide to do fostering, I You, to keep the contact with the family is the most important thing you'll do in fostering. Right? Because that's a must. Sometimes it doesn't always work that way. You know, contact can be stopped. Whether the parents don't get to see the children anymore. It is important to keep up that contact with family. Because it's, uh, these children, even if they go for adoption, or what, or stay in foster care, in later life, it's very important to them, they know that They have been in contact with family. We've kept them as foster carers. We've kept in contact. Um, and if they get adopted, I always, well, we do it. Um, what we call a memory box, right? And wherever we go, holidays or days out, photographs, little trinkets put in the memory box. So when those children gets older, they can put a memory to where they were and what they've done in life. Cause sometimes children grow up. in foster care, not got any of that. And they've got nothing to show for their lives. They can't, don't know anything about their lives. Because I've got no memory of anything good, so that's an important thing as well. I could

Helen:

go on and on about it, but I won't. So just to sum up, Theresa, going back to 17 years ago when you were at a crossroads in your life and you decided to do this. Can you imagine that all this time later, you know, you'd still be fostering, you'd have made such a massive change to so many people's lives. Can you even imagine that that would have happened?

Theresa:

I never thought in a million years I would have done it this long, I'll be honest, right? Never thought, I love walking my children, always have done, as I say, but it's different when you're doing a nine to five job. You can come home in your own house and sit down and relax or, you know, go out for meals or whatever you do, right? It's a little bit different when you're fostering. You have to be very committed. You do have to be. I, I call it a vocation in life.

Helen:

Yeah.

Theresa:

Right, because you do have to be very committed and that's something that's important to remember if you want to be a foster care as well, but you will not find a more rewarding job

Helen:

in your life. That's wonderful. Thank you so, so much, Theresa. It's been lovely to speak to you. And thank you everybody for listening to me going on. Thank you so much, Theresa. Take care. Bye bye. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to get involved in the conversation, we would love to hear your questions. Maybe there's something you'd really like to ask about fostering. Get in touch. You can email us on podcast at nfa. co. uk.