Voices of Fostering

Hilary - We have fostered for a decade!

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 10

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, host Helen sits down with Hilary, a dedicated foster carer, to discuss her and her husband Pierre's decade-long journey in fostering. Hilary shares heartfelt stories about their experiences with over 20 children, the challenges and therapeutic aspects of the assessment process, and the support system available for foster carers. She also talks about the joys of staying in touch with past foster children, taking them on memorable holidays, and the emotional journey of seeing foster children return to their birth parents. Hilary's insights provide a comprehensive look into the impactful and rewarding world of fostering.

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Helen:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering. Today I'm delighted to be joined by one of our lovely foster carers, Hilary. Hello Hilary. Hello, hiya. Hi, thank you so much for joining us today Hilary. So tell us about your fostering journey. You foster with your husband Pierre, don't you? Tell us about how your fostering journey began and what prompted you to do it. It was a close family member.

Hilary:

Whose partner her to child. And that sort of got us involved in fostering from the older side of it, from guardians and the police and all things like that. And it made us realize that there's so many children out there that need our help. Or need us to look after them. So 20, 10 years later and 20 odd children later, we're still

Helen:

at it and enjoying it. Yeah. So 10 years. Wow. And 20 children and young people have lived with you. So going right back to the beginning. Yeah. So going back, right, right back to the beginning, can you remember what the assessment process was like? Very therapeutic for me.

Hilary:

It sort of took you right back to your childhood and it was just unbelievable talking about everything that had happened through my childhood and. And that, and yeah, I found it very therapeutic and interesting and it was brilliant.

Helen:

Yeah, because a lot of people say, you know, it can be quite intense. It can be maybe a little bit challenging at times, but it's definitely worth it. Because as you say, it's quite therapeutic, isn't it? Oh gosh, yeah, yeah.

Hilary:

Yeah, it was interesting, very interesting. And the man that did it, he did like a history on our house and it was, yeah, so in depth on everything. With my husband being French, he did quite a lot on where he'd come from and Things like that. So yeah, it was a very

Helen:

interesting time. And then after your assessment, the first child or young person who came to live with you, um, surely you remember that clearly. Can you tell us about that? Yeah, because he's still in touch with us and he still

Hilary:

comes for Christmas dinner. Oh, wow. Uh, that's over eight years ago. He was the first lad. Uh, we had to wait three months before we got the, before we got him. And I got a call late one night saying could we take this young lad. But the thing was, I wanted little sweet toddlers. Young children that I could do crafts with and all that lot. And since the first lad, we stick to teenagers. They are, we are the last hope for all these teenagers.

Helen:

Yeah, so you, you do take a lot of teenagers.

Hilary:

All of them are teenagers, yeah. Yeah, so

Helen:

how do you find that Hilary? Interesting.

Hilary:

It has its ups, it has its downs. Uh, like I said, over 20 children, some of them have only stayed a couple of nights, some of them have stayed a year or eight months or something. And each child is different, and they all come with different problems. So you can't treat them all the same, but you have your baseline, and you work off that. And I'm still in touch with quite a few of them. Who come and still visit or FaceTime and what not, and that's lovely.

Helen:

Yeah, because one thing that we hear quite a lot, Hilary, is that, um, people who are thinking about fostering, one of the things that worries them, one of the things that worries them is, is having to give the child or the young person back. And, you know, that, oh, I could never give them up. How, how do you deal with that? Because a lot of the time, as you say, you do still keep in touch, don't you? Yes,

Hilary:

yes, and some of the endings haven't been pleasant, but even so, they're still kept in touch afterwards, and they remember a lot of things that we've done together. And it is hard, usually, because foster carers are so much in demand. As one's gone, you've got a day, two days, and there's another child that they need you to take. So you sort of store that one and start on your fresh one.

Helen:

So are there any particular, um, children or young people that have lived with you who've really stuck out? You know, like, people that you'll never forget?

Hilary:

Most of them.

Helen:

Yeah.

Hilary:

You are all individuals. I have in my hallway, I have pictures of all the children and I'm running out of picture places now to put them all. Yeah, they're all there. Uh, we had a young Muslim girl at the beginning of COVID and because they were doing Eid and she couldn't join in with her family or anything. So we did Eid. I didn't do the starving part, but we did the Eid with her. I cooked all these meals. And at the end, she still couldn't go back to visit her family. So we had a few of my neighbours round and we did all the, uh, food that we could during the month. And we had a great big feast and, and it was wonderful.

Helen:

It sounds like you've had a really, really positive experience over the last 10 years, Hilary. But what, what challenges would you say there have been and how have you overcome them? Uh. Um. Um. There's

Hilary:

been lots of challenging behavior with all the children. They've all got things that, you know, not right with them. But most of the children are not in foster care are in the, you know, the system through their fault. Uh, so you try and bond with each one differently. Uh, the girls that we've had, they love having their hair washed, dried and brushed, which is just a simple thing, but to them it means, you know, quite a lot that you're spending just quality time with them. Uh, video nights. We love our holidays. Uh, two 15 year old girls who'd never been abroad, and I took them to Mallorca with me mum. Uh, last year we went to you old Disney with the young lads. With my grandchildren, so I met Pierre's family over there as well. So it's very cultural for them as well. It's, yeah, everything. You just, you can't change what's happened to these children. But you can try and give them some nice memories. To take away some of the memories that have happened. And that's how we're in, and we're very relaxed with everything that goes on here.

Helen:

You talked there, Hilary, about going on holiday. That's maybe something that, uh, prospective foster carers might wonder about. You know, like, can I still go on holidays? Am I allowed to take a foster, uh, child or young person on holiday? You know, can you tell us about that? Yeah, you

Hilary:

get, uh, a letter off their social worker, giving permission to leave the country with them. And, like I said, we've been to Poland. France, Majorca, and somewhere else abroad, but we have our caravan in Anglesey, which is a tour, but we've left. And my kids come, my neighbor, who's my best friend, she comes with her children and grandchildren. And it's just a big family thing. And the last young lad I had, he infected his brother. He wasn't in foster care, but he came as well, and yeah, it's just a big, natural, it's not clubhouses or anything, it's beaches, walks, and just natural things. And they remember the holidays. Yeah, yeah,

Helen:

definitely. And what sort of support is there for you if you need any help, Hillary? Supervising a

Hilary:

social worker. You can get in touch with her all the time. And if she can't help you, she'll get somebody that can. There's other foster carers. We have a WhatsApp group. And we talk to each other and message each other. We also get together once every couple of months and go for lunch, and it's paid for. Uh, and we all talk and that too, and there's so much. Yeah, plus you've got your whole family circle who help, and the husband helps as well, when all I do.

Helen:

Yeah, and what sort of support do you get from, from the rest of your family as well? 100%. Yeah. When I first started,

Hilary:

I had three grown up children still at home. Uh, the last one's only just gone four weeks ago. She's traveling around Thailand and all around there. And she's had a good relationship with most of the kids, in fact all of them. And then my three sons, they have. And then the grandchildren, the oldest grandchild's 14. And he got on brilliantly with all of them. And they all think of the world of him. And then the younger ones as well. And then there's nice sisters and brothers. Christmas, they're all included and everything. So, yeah, it's just, they're all included in family life here.

Helen:

Yeah. And it's like you, your sort of family network just gets bigger and bigger, doesn't it? That must feel really lovely. Yeah. In fact,

Hilary:

last week, one of the early girls I had who came from Essex, she came and visited. She stayed for three weeks a few years ago, and she was only here for about eight months. But, she rung up after she did her, she disappeared and then come back, and she wanted to come back and stay with me and, and that one. And she was close to me mum. We've done quite a few holidays, just the three of us. So it's just things like that, that, you know, they still come back to you eventually.

Helen:

And how, how long more do you imagine yourself doing this for, Hilary? You know, 10 years under your belt now. Do you imagine doing it for years and years into the future? Well,

Hilary:

the more that we're having a rest, because the last young lad that we had went back to his parents and he said, we're going to take off the months off. And I've just moved my mum in to our house. So. Next couple of weeks I'm going to take somebody else on, but I am getting a bit twitchy. I need a child.

Helen:

And you said there, Hilary, that the last child that you had ended up going back to their birth parents, is that right? Yes.

Hilary:

That's very unusual.

Helen:

Yeah, how did that feel? That must have felt really special that they were able to go back to their birth parents.

Hilary:

We worked on it. It was with us two and a half years. And we worked with, with the parents and we encouraged it and yeah, we just, it's just lovely. And he actually went in June, May, June and he come on holiday for a week with us in August because he missed us. But now he's messaging and I think that is the best thing about fostering is that they still can keep in touch with you.

Helen:

And if there was anybody listening or watching, uh, Hillary, who was thinking about becoming a foster carer, you know, what would you say to them? Take each day as it comes

Hilary:

because no two are the same, uh, expect the unexpected because they continue to shock you to these children and enjoy it. You know, get the help out there that's offered off your social workers and your family and your support system

Helen:

and just enjoy it. And would you say, Hilary, that it's changed yours and your husband's lives for the better?

Hilary:

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's, it's definitely changed our lives. But 10 years ago, my youngest child was 17. So, and we're just three year old grandson as well. So yeah, it's unparalleled with fetching your own kids up. Yeah. Lots of rewards and it's enjoyable. Really

Helen:

rewarding. Yes.

Hilary:

Yes.

Helen:

Well, it's been wonderful to chat to you, Hillary. Thank you so much for your time today. Okay. Thank you as well. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to get involved in the conversation, we would love to hear your questions. Maybe there's something you'd really like to ask about fostering, get in touch. You can email us on podcast at nfa. co. uk.