Voices of Fostering

Ruth - I foster teenage asylum seekers

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 8

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In this episode of 'Voices of Fostering,' Ruth, a dedicated foster carer for 15 months, shares her inspiring journey into fostering. A former teacher and mother of three, Ruth always aspired to foster but only began the process after reconnecting with a friend who was also a foster carer. Ruth discusses the rigorous yet necessary assessment process, emphasising that fostering is a viable option for older individuals. She advocates for fostering teenagers and asylum seekers, attributes her success to the support of her fostering agency, and highlights the emotional rewards and cultural enrichment fostering has brought to her life. Ruth also touches upon her plans to welcome a second foster child soon.

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Helen:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering, where I'm delighted to be joined by one of our lovely foster carers today. Welcome Ruth.

Ruth:

Thank you

Helen:

Nice to be here. It's lovely to have you here, Ruth. And it's lovely to have somebody in person as well. We do so much virtual stuff these days. It's really nice to have you here on the sofa.

Ruth:

I much prefer face to face

Helen:

Absolutely. So, Tell us, uh, Ruth, you've been a foster carer not for too long now, is it about a year? Is it about 15 months now? Yeah. So take us back to the beginning. What led you to becoming a foster carer?

Ruth:

Um, as a teacher, um, and a person as well, I've always wanted to be a foster carer at some point, something that I, uh, Always spoke about with my now ex husband and something that we look to do. Um, we had three children of our own and very busy careers, so it wasn't necessarily the right time. Um, but as my children have grown up and left the house, I decided, um, I think two years ago now that I wanted to actually start that process and a good friend of mine that I'd reconnected with from school days, um, has been a foster carer and it was listening to her story that really made me think, yeah, this is the sign I need to start this process.

Helen:

Yeah. And, and that you, we can't underestimate that. podcast because hearing other people talk about it, inspires others to do it. And that's what we're aiming to do with you chatting to us today. Absolutely. So do you feel like it's really important now for you to talk about it? So, so you inspire others?

Ruth:

Absolutely. And, um, so I, I have suggested, uh, Last year to my supervisor, social worker that I'd like to help if I can and speaking about my experiences and any help that I can do in, in speaking to others who might be interested. So this is part of that. Um, and NFA. Seemed a really, really, um, high quality agency from what my friends said as well. And that standards were particularly high. Uh, so I reached out to them and the, one of the recruitment people came and spoke to me, uh, and I decided to. go ahead with the application.

Helen:

Yeah. And then your assessment, quite often, you know, we use the words like very thorough, maybe a little bit intrusive, but quite therapeutic a lot of the time. How did you find it?

Ruth:

Yes. All of those things. Um, there were times when I did find it Quite tough. And I thought as a very open person, uh, that I might have found that a little bit more straightforward, but it, you know, it isn't, it isn't easy at times, but it definitely is worth pushing through those and keep going because, um, I understand why those, the rigor is there and the high standards for making sure that everything is in, is in place and above board. And it was interesting, obviously applying as an older carer and something that I really think needs emphasizing is that foster care is, is one of those wonderful, um, careers that one can do in later life and that there is no upper age limit. And as we all know, age is a number and it's about the energy, uh, that you can bring to the role. Um, and that doesn't have, that doesn't have a number on it. So I think that's really important. That people realize that as long as you're reasonably fit and healthy and you've got the love and the energy you can be a foster carer. So I think that's a really important thing because these days you hear a lot about ageism in careers and so on. So that was a real positive for me because that's an open ended career now. for the rest of my life, as I see it.

Helen:

Yeah, so after you were approved,

Ruth:

tell us what happened then. So, I was tutoring teens, um, one to one for Stockport Council, um, who couldn't access, who can't for health reasons, mental health reasons, physical health reasons, can't access mainstream education. And so, um, It took me a year to sort of, um, whittle that those hours down until financially as a single carer as well, you know, it is important to say that economically that the timing has to be right too, um, that you've got your ducks in a row financially. And then I was approached, um, by the referrals team in July last year about, and initially I'd said I wanted a girl rather than, um, uh, a boy, but, um, I was approached about this wonderful young man. And as soon as I heard about him, I was very interested and, and the process then went really quite quickly. I think that's something for people to be aware of, um, that I then went to met this young man in, in the foster home he was in at the time. And the reason he was moving was that the school he was moving to was nearer to where I live than where he was originally because he is in, um, he is going, he's in a football academy. for a well regarded football club in our area. And, um, that was the school that, that he was going to go to nearby associated with that club. So as soon as I met him, I just, something clicked and I just loved his gentleness and his calm nature. And I heard such wonderful things about him that, um, he was with me within about 10 days after that initial meeting. And we've never looked back. He is the most wonderful addition. To my life and my family. I'm very close with my three grown up children who all live in the area. One in particular was still living with me at the time. Five months later, she moved out, but she only lives five minutes away. She's 25 and she just adores him as we all do. He's just Fitted in beautifully, big animal lover, because I've got, well, I had four cats and a dog at the time, but he adores cats and asked if he could have, um, and they're all rescues obviously, and he asked if he might have some kittens of his own. So in January, we got two brother kittens, and again, I just feel very strongly that animals for, um, can be a really, Therapeutic and um, soothing presence in, in a home to me personally, my house wouldn't be a home without them. And, and in fact, this young man has said that one of my cats, in fact, one of the older cats, he said to me once that he used to tell his fears to him or talk to the cat. And again, perfect. That's absolutely, you know, again, no judgment, all the unconditional love that we hear that animals give and physical comfort too. So, uh, that's to me an important aspect and it has really, he loves that. And I think it gives him, because he's now with me long term, um, he was 11 when he came to me and I'm just about, after about a year, they, if all is well, then you can go ahead for long term foster care. And so all being well, he'll be with me for another six years till he's 18. And that's something I've always wanted. I've always wanted to have that.

Helen:

Yeah.

Ruth:

Long term placement, if you wish. Because I

Helen:

think sometimes people can imagine during the assessment, they can imagine the type of fostering they might do. Um, it's important to point out that your foster son is an asylum seeker. Yes. Is that what you imagined you would do? Yes, it's something

Ruth:

that I was really interested in. And also I remember the first time that I picked up the phone to speak to NFA and, um, I remember, um, the person saying, so what age group are you interested in? And I said, teenagers. And there was a silence.

Helen:

People

Ruth:

don't normally say that. And he said, people don't say that. And I said, Oh yes. I said, I've always been a secondary teacher. So that's, that's where I feel most comfortable. And also, um, I think. The particular, oh, trauma that unaccompanied, uh, asylum seeking children have gone through. Yeah. Um, just absolutely tears at my heart and it's something that I like, I just want to make them feel safe, secure. Yeah,

Helen:

but you feel able to deal with it.

Ruth:

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, Again, NFA, the, my supervisor and social worker, started working for NFA, I think around the time that I was approved, so I actually met her when I was in the, um, the office in the Northwest to, uh, have my panel day, and she introduced herself and as soon as I saw her, I thought, I really like you, and she's been wonderful, I, I couldn't, I just couldn't ask for a more lovely Uh, attentive, caring, uh, but no nonsense and, and just there for me. Um, luckily, touch wood, haven't needed, um, to ask for much help. Um, but, it's lovely to know that she's there. So, he's just been wonderful, he's fitted straight in, doing really well at school, great in his, in his sport as well, so, he's very much, uh, My son, he's part of the family.

Helen:

Yeah, so there's you and your foster son. Do you think it will just stay the two of you or?

Ruth:

Um, I All being well, I've just been approached a couple of weeks ago about, um, an unaccompanied asylum seeking girl this time, who's a little bit older and has been through a very harrowing time. But, um, and I've met her yesterday and all being well, she may well be moving in next week. So again, that's something. Language there is a little bit of a barrier. So I'm looking forward to, she goes, she attends college every afternoon to, to learn English. She's only been in the UK a couple of months. Um, so again, I just want to make her feel safe, secure, um, that she's got, um, a loving, a loving pair of arms around her metaphorically. Um, to, Make her feel that she doesn't have to be quite in fight or flight mode anymore, that she can actually relax a bit.

Helen:

So, how does it feel to, to know the difference that you've made to your foster son's life?

Ruth:

I mean, I would say that I wouldn't necessarily, I think he would be like that wherever he is because he's just wonderful and I think he'd do a thousand percent for anybody he was with. But it's just the, the, just, I can't tell, I said to him the other day, I said, you bring me joy every single day. And again, I think it's so important to tell people that, whether it's a foster child or anybody in your family that, um, that you love. Well, I don't tell him that I love him, but that they feel loved and they feel valued. Um, and I, I, I revel in every, every thing that he does in his sport and at school and he really, he grabs every chance he's given and his work ethic is phenomenal. So I just couldn't ask for anybody more lovely.

Helen:

So you've been so open, Ruth, to the types, as we said before, of fostering that maybe people usually shy away from, you know, like teenagers. Let me have them asylum seekers, that's absolutely fine. What would you say to anybody listening who's, who's thinking about being a foster carer about those types of fostering? Because there are a lot of teenagers that unfortunately do get overlooked.

Ruth:

Yes. Um, I would always say don't judge. I think we all, and even I did as well, going into it thinking, gosh, who am I going to be matched with? And you know, your mind can run away with you. I would say take each step. As it comes, listen to the referral team, listen to your supervisor, social worker, because they know you and they know from what you've told them, uh, the sort of, they match you really, really carefully is what I'd say as well. So be open. As I say, I originally wanted a girl, didn't want a boy. And that would, now I realized, no, that's not, it's about the individual. Yeah. So be open, be open, be, be, uh, open hearted. Yeah. And have an open mind. Yeah. 100%.

Helen:

Yeah. And what about when people who maybe you just meet find out about, about what you do? Are they like, wow, you know, do they want to know all about it? Yes. And

Ruth:

just like I was when I met my long lost school friend, um, at a school reunion and I just sat talking with her all night and I was just blown away. She actually took the The day after she was, she and her husband were approved, 15 years ago, they were approached about a sibling group of three. Wow. Baptism of fire. And she took them and she had, she had them to adulthood. So I, that, that's a whole other level. Yeah. Cause that's amazing. feel about

Helen:

sibling groups?

Ruth:

I feel very strongly about keeping them together.

Helen:

Yeah. Yeah. But would you be, would you be open to it? Yes. In the future,

Ruth:

in the future. Um, Yes. I mean, they've been through so much loss to then be split up must be another level of trauma again. So, um, yes, it's, um, you know, I just say it's, it's just a wonderful thing to do. And if you feel it's about how, you know, and often, again, I'm going to come back to that, the older person as well, you know, often empty nesters, people like me who just, you know, I love to look after people. It's just, it's just who I am. And, um, The thought of having an empty house, I just, you know, I'd much rather help a young person as much as I can and, um, and make their lives as positive and give them a secure footing, build confidence. I think that's something that I really feel passionately about both from when I was a teacher. And now in my fostering, it's just about making them believe in themself and, you know, every day praise, praise, praise for everything that they do, um, and encouragement and lots of rest and relaxation. You know, they don't always want to do, you don't please think that you have to take them out all the time and do, you know, for a lot of these young people, they They crave a home life as well and they feel safe in their home. So it isn't necessarily something you're going, Oh gosh, I'm going to be having to take them out on days out and stuff. No, that's not the case. So it's, I think a lot of people have a lot of preconceptions. Um, and I understand that, but if you were the good agency as well, they, you know, there are lots of things that are laid on if you wish to participate that costs nothing. And, um, so I would just. really recommend, uh, anybody to, to go ahead and see where, see where the journey takes you. Yeah.

Helen:

And as you say, you know, there's a lot on offer as well, isn't there? Because with the National Fostering Group, you can learn a lot, you know, things like therapeutic parenting, a lot of courses. So what sort of things have, have you taken advantage of? Yeah. So I've

Ruth:

done, I've done some of those, the introduction to therapeutic fostering. Um, obviously there are some yearly, um, Um, once you have to keep up with statutory ones like safeguarding, obviously, but, um, there are so many that you can access. And again, if you, as we spoke at the beginning, if you can't access them face to face, if you haven't got the time to get over to Warrington or wherever, then there are a lot of, um, online courses. And as I've said, I preferably would go in, I like meeting people and speaking to people face to face. So there's an absolute plethora of, of, um, resources. Options for you to develop yourself and, um, and communication is very good on there. And, and also regular meetups for breakfasts or lunches or coffees, or there's always something that you can join in. Yeah, there's a good network there for

Helen:

you. Yeah. So you're still quite relatively early on in your journey, really. How, how long do you see yourself doing this for, Ruth? What do you reckon?

Ruth:

Open ended as long as touch wood, you know. Health wise and, and everything else, as I said, it's very exciting to me to think that this, this isn't an ageist sort of career path. Um, and indeed, you know, my supervisor, social workers told me she has, I think, several carers in their seventies. And again, my friend, She has a friend where she lives in her 70s and that just, I think that's wonderful. I think it keeps you, keeps your mind ticking over and keeps you relevant and you know, a youthful outlook. That's what it's all about.

Helen:

Yeah, and just to

Ruth:

sum

Helen:

up Ruth, how would

Ruth:

you say fostering has enriched your life? Oh, immeasurably. And, and, and also for me, you know, learning about different cultures, different, different types of cuisine, um, different faiths. You can, you can really throw yourself into, uh, learning about that young person's, um, background and heritage, um, as much as they might be immersing themselves into your culture. So it's a win win in my, in my book. You meet, you meet, you meet halfway.

Helen:

Yeah. Well, I really hope that we get to chat again, Ruth, because you've, you know, you're only a year in, you're looking like you're about to embark on having your second young person come to live with you. Um, so I, I really hope that we get to catch up again. That would be lovely. I'd love to. Well, thank you so much for joining us, Ruth. It's been wonderful chatting to you. My pleasure. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to get involved in the conversation, we would love to hear your questions. Maybe there's something you'd really like to ask about fostering, get in touch. You can email us on podcast at nfa. co. uk.