Voices of Fostering

Stefanie - The importance of self-care for foster carers

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 9

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, host Helen sits down with supervising social worker Stefanie to discuss the vital topic of self-care for foster carers. Stefanie shares her background and journey into social work, the role of a social worker within fostering, and delves deeply into the concept of carer fatigue and compassion fatigue. Learn about the signs of burnout, practical advice on managing it, and the importance of support systems. Stefanie also provides insights into her rewarding experiences working with foster carers and offers advice for individuals considering fostering. 

Footnotes: 
Downloadable link as mentioned in the episode: 
313_Traffic-light-wellness-planning-tool_V1_PCC_Flyer_DRAFT1.pdf (acacia.org.uk)

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering. And today we're going to be focusing on how important it is to look after yourself as a foster carer. And to do that, we're going to be chatting to one of our lovely social workers. So I'd like to introduce Stefanie.

Stefanie:

Hello, Stefanie. Hello, Helen.

Helen:

How are you?

Stefanie:

I'm okay. Yeah. Are you all right? I'm good. I'm good. Nervous about today.

Helen:

Oh, no worries.

Stefanie:

It's not part of my usual daily tasks. It's just a nice informal chat, we'll just pretend no one's listening, okay? So firstly, Stefanie, I've been reading a little bit about you and it seems that being a social worker was always written in the stars for you, wasn't it?

Helen:

So tell us about that.

Stefanie:

Yeah, yeah, definitely was. So um, Um, There's a bit of a standard joke in my family because everyone's either like a social worker or a teacher. Um, both my parents are social workers, my aunt's a social worker, my cousin's a social worker. Uh, yeah, there's, um, there is a lot of us, um, in that field and alternatively, people are teachers. So, um, yeah, I. I didn't ever actually start out wanting to be a social worker, if I'm totally honest. I always wanted to go into clinical psychology. Okay. Um, so that's kind of what I started doing as part of my undergraduate course. Um, but also did English on the side, um, just because I enjoy reading. And as kind of time was going on, I started volunteering with Childline and was really enjoying it and really enjoying that direct work with the children that we're phoning. And. I suppose it got me thinking actually, I really enjoy this, um, and I think at that point my mum was in children's families as well, and she kind of put the thought in my head of well, why don't you retrain as a social worker?

Helen:

Yeah. Um, so, yeah, so that's kind of. And why do you think, um, Stefanie, that your family have ended up being social workers and teachers? What do you think it is? Is there just a real streak of empathy running through your family? Do you think that's what it is? Yeah, possibly. And I think, um, I think us social workers and teachers all probably come from quite a grounded value base, I suppose. Yeah. And, um, I think when you were then raised. Within that, um, it then creates those values that you take into adulthood where you are kind and caring, respectful, compassionate, um, empathetic towards other people. And I think that then, I suppose, then you're drawn to more the, the, care and professions. So yeah, so I think that's, that's probably hit quite an impact. So can you tell us about the role of a social worker within fostering and in the national fostering group? So what is it that you do? Yeah. So I am obviously a supervising social worker now with. the National Fostering Agency in Scotland. Um, so my job really is to support foster carers. That would, what I would say is first and foremost. Um, I do that through a variety of ways. You know, it can be, you know, children. We do monthly supervision with all my foster carers. That can be virtual or it can be in person. I quite like to get along to see my foster carers because I think you have a bit more of a meaningful discussion, um, whilst you're, you know, sitting in somebody's house because you can pick up on so much more in terms of non verbal cues. Um, so it's much easier if I was sitting here and actually inside I was like, Oh, I'm not having a very good day. You might not see bits of that, but actually if we were in person, you'd probably pick up on more of that. So, um, so yeah, I, that's a big part of my role, um, is keeping in touch with the caters, making sure that they're feeling supported. And you know, sometimes it's about, I feel like in social work, you're a jack of all trades. So you can be doing referrals, you can be maybe speaking to the children, engaging with foster caters. So yeah, it's, it's a really, really varied. Yeah, so what we wanted to really talk about today was carer fatigue. So can you tell us what that is and what that can look like?

Stefanie:

Yeah, of course. I will absolutely, full disclosure, please know I am by no means a psychologist or a psychotherapist or anything like that. Um, but I suppose just from Um, my experience, what I've seen, um, as a social worker, um, I would say probably before we get to compassion fatigue, the step before it's kind of burnout, um, so burnout, the way I would describe it as a bit of a depletion of our energies. Um, and I would, um, I think a lot of the literature and things breaks that down into kind of. Forming categories, um, of where we get our energy from, um, so that can be your kind of physical, emotional, mental, or social, um, we hear all the time people saying, Oh, my social battery's just drained. I just need to, you know, if you've had lots going on, um, and you're interacting with people, you sometimes do need some downtime. And I think probably, um, as a society, we're quite good. And we're really open at saying, Okay. Oh, social part, I'm just drained, I'm done. Yeah, I call it when

Helen:

things get a bit too peopley. Yeah. It's a bit too peopley. I need a bit of time to myself. Yeah,

Stefanie:

and you're like, oh, yeah, I'm just not, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to rearrange the lunch for my friend. Or whatever it might be. I would describe your, your, your mental capacity as maybe that when you're learning, when your brain's really engaged and you're learning a new skill or taking on information. Yeah. Um. Physically, again, that could be both internally or within your body, you know, it's that about, you know, when you've maybe, um, been eating too much fatty food or sugary food and you get the slump or, you know, if you are working out at the gym and you're, you know, you lift a weight and you get to a point where you're shaking and you can't do it anymore and you drop it. So there can be signs like we're probably a lot better at discussing those things, um, but we can experience emotional burnout as well. So that, and that's what I would say. Compassion fatigue would sit as a bit of a subcategory of burnout, um, so yeah, that's probably how I would describe that, um, compassion fatigue is, yeah, tell us about that, really, yeah, it's really, really, we see it a lot in the caring profession, so that can be foster carers, it could be social workers, it can. be your nurses, your doctors. I think certainly kind of post COVID what we were seeing was obviously a lot of doctors and nurses were, were really feeling that given what they were dealing with in their day to day role. Um, it was horrendous, but what that means for you when you're the person experienced that is, is a very. Visceral feeling. Um, do you know, I think it tends to happen for people who are particularly empathetic towards other people. You know, when you start to really feel what other people have, have experienced, especially their trauma, um, you can feel that too. Um, and it can sit with you, it can sit with you emotionally and mentally and physically inside your body. Um, and I think if you aren't able to process that, either be a specialist for foster carers if it's with their supervising social worker, if it's with accessing the clinical team, within the group. It can really, really start to affect you negatively. It can affect your body. It can affect your ability to connect with your young person or with other people. Uh, so yeah, it can be quite a profound experience. I think something that not everyone can, is aware of at the time when it's happening until probably you're starting to see those quite negative feelings.

Helen:

Yeah. So when have you experienced this within, within foster care as Stefanie?

Stefanie:

Um, so I would say it's um, I'm trying to think of a time where, um, I have experienced it. I think there's probably been little moments. Where quite a lot of my foster carers have experienced that, um, and what I would start to see is that they start to become a little bit maybe more editable with that young person. Um, and again, it's not to throw any judgment about that at all, but it's that kind of natural part of that process of your body's basically saying, I'm full, I'm at my emotional capacity, I don't have anything left. Um, so what that then happens is that we can become more editable. We can stop maybe looking at that child through that therapeutic lens and start to be a bit more critical of what they're doing, what they're saying. And it's just because you're feeling burnt out. And sometimes it's about then supporting a carer to Talk about it, tell me that that kid's annoying you today, tell me how you're feeling, because then if they can kind of release some of that tension, it just, I suppose it metaphorically allows a bit of that emotional cut to start to empty a little. So when they go back into that fostering role and trying to connect with that child or parent them. Whatever, maybe it's going on for them at that point, um, that

Helen:

they've got space to do that. So how can we sort of look out for this and, you know, I suppose, prepare for it? And, and what are the, what are the flags? What are the, what are the sort of markers that, you know, it's happening and how can you manage it?

Stefanie:

Yeah, so I would say things like, as I've probably kind of commented there, things like feeling a wee bit more irritable, not feeling quite yourself, maybe, you know. not having, I would maybe frame it as, know your window of tolerance. We all have one. So, sometimes, you know, you might start off with your window of tolerance is like here, and within that you've got a kind of reactionary period and then you've maybe got withdrawal. What can happen is that your window of tolerance starts to get lower and lower and lower, and it allows the space up here for more reactionary, irritability, anger, frustration, to start to kind of overtake, or you start to get withdrawal. Um, so I suppose that they can be the signs. Everyone's really different. Um, I would love to sit and say, here, here's a blueprint for what compassion fatigue will look like. Uh, but I can't give you one. Um, what, what it is, it's about the carers knowing themselves as well. And I suppose you, as a social worker, if anyone of the social workers are listening to this, it's about them knowing their carers, knowing what their baseline is and know when you're starting to see that they look like they're struggling. You know, and it can be things like, physically you see them, you know, looking just, you know, their shoulders aren't as back as what they normally are and that sort of thing, seeing people in person is great if you can, um, but you start to see that they're a They're withdrawn, they're burnt out, or you know, they're irritated, um, and it may not just be with their foster children, it could be with their partners, with the dog, because the dog's constantly under their feet. Because again, that window of tolerance has gotten shorter and shorter, and I suppose sometimes part of our role as social workers is to look at how can we extend that. That can look. It can be a variety of things. It can be, you know, organizing a short break. It can be increasing kind of calls with the carers and supervision or referring to the clinical team for support. So, um, yeah, that, that's probably how I would. Yeah. So I was

Helen:

just going to say, you know, what's the way out of it then? I think a lot of the time talking, isn't it? Just talking about how you feel can be transformative, can't it?

Stefanie:

Oh, absolutely. Um, and I think it's great because we do have the clinical team that can be there for the carers as well to give them that space that is away from, away from the social workers, away from the child's social work, away from the child or their partner, or it could be, you know, Couples could do it together. So, um, yeah, I would definitely think if you can speak about it, please do speak about it. Um, there's a massive kind of, um, area of what's called containment within psychology that, you know, and that's exactly what it is, you know, you are not. Taking away the situation. You are not changing that. But what you are doing is validating and containing somebody's feelings and holding space with them so that then they can go back and keep doing their job. Yeah. Um, what I would say, everyone, again, everyone is really different. Um, I dunno if we're able, jet did send a link before, but if you could pop down, there's a bit of a tool that you can use. Um. And it's a bit of a traffic light system of, you know, when, when I'm at Green, I'm doing really well, you know, whatever keeps you well for you, you know, that might be for some people, that might be about connecting with friends or going out in nature or working out regularly, having family meals, whatever it might be, um, that might be how you would identify that actually things are going really well right now, um, and I suppose trying to be mindful of. Why is it going well? What are you doing? What supports are you getting? And what are you possibly delegating out to others that they can do to support you to stay well? Um, moving down that might start to be, you know, if you come to Amber and you think, Oh, I'm just really tired just now. I need an early night. That might be what then puts you back up into green, um, or I'm feeling a bit disconnected. I'm really struggling. I'm going to phone my social worker today and get a bit of advice because that's the, you know, a child or young person said something or it's not sitting well or, you know, it could be, it could be how you access charms for some carers, you know, because it can be tricky at times, but whatever it is, whatever your worry is, I suppose it's about what can you do and then how can we support you back to. Being your best version of you that you can be, which is where kind of we would set the screen. Um, I'll be really honest. What I would say is not very often do we sit in the amber. Um, or we do, sorry, I'll rephrase that. We do sit in amber for quite a while, but we don't always know the signs that that is compassion fatigue and burnout until we dip into red. And that's when, as I was saying before, that you're maybe not sleeping or you are Disengaging a wee bit, or you're starting to struggle, um, with what you're dealing with on a kind of day to day basis. Um, and that's the point that if you feel like you are sinking round about you, have a bit of a plan of what do you need in those moments. Um, and it needs to be About not trying to rush through that process, because I think when you are in burnout, you're looking up at yourself and remembering yourself when you were in green and saying I'm never going to get there, this is too hard, I can't do that, which just then perpetuates burnout. That's what's happening when you're in complete burnout and compassion fatigue and blocked care and things. So I would then, if, if you can, either within yourself and try to do this when you are in your kind of green zone, I would say is, you know, look back at a time, cause we've all had them. We've all had periods of time where we go, Oh, I've just nothing, I'm nothing left to give right now. I need a break. I need time. I need to, you know. Go for whatever it might be for you that helps you, um, but try to do your plan when you are in a good place. Because when you're trying to create a plan, get back to green, um, you know, because we are inherently impatient by nature, um, or at least I know I am. That, that's too hard to do. Um, so yeah, if you can, um, create that plan that's for you. It might be about phoning your supervising social worker. It might be about, you know, asking for a short break. Or reaching out to family members. Or going for a walk. Having time to yourself. Whatever it might be, I suppose it's always about what would work for you. And how can What do you need to do to support yourself to get back into that state of feeling good again?

Helen:

Yeah, I think it's important to remember, isn't it Stefanie, that to be easy on yourself really, because as a foster carer, you know, foster carers aren't perfect people, you know, they're not, you know, none of us are, they do, exactly, you know, none of us are, and I think it's about remembering that. Um, we can all struggle and that's okay, isn't it? And it's all right to reach out for the support.

Stefanie:

Yeah, absolutely. Um, and I think it's so important to do that is be honest, be open. And, you know, it doesn't mean that you're not good enough. It doesn't mean that you're not doing your job as a foster caterer when you see this is really hard and I'm really struggling. Um, I think we've all. So if you've done that at various points in, you know, whatever background's been before fostering, or as it is now, speak to people, let the people know around about you and in your team, what's going on for you. Um, because there will be, there'll be something that we can do to offer you a bit of support, even if it's holding space with you and saying, This is rubbish.

Helen:

Yeah. And we'll help you through it. Yeah. And, you know, we've talked about the, the, the struggles today, obviously there are struggles, there are tough times, but you must have had some really rewarding points in your career, um, with foster carers. Are there any that stand out, you know? Um, do you know,

Stefanie:

I, I can't, I, this is going to probably sound awful, but I don't have like a singular big moment and I don't know if that's just the way I, interpret things, but I would say there's been little moments. Um, because I've only been in fostering for about the last year, um, so what I would say is there's been little moments probably with each of my caters that I will look at and say, Oh, I'm really proud of them. Yeah. They've done really well. Um, do you know what? It can be. Just, as I say, such little moments after supervision where you start to see their shoulders and they're really apprehensive and you leave and you actually see how light they feel and you think, ace, that's great, they're ready to go back into this. Um, it can be about supporting children, um, who've maybe, you know, never been on a train before or on a plane, um, to have their first experiences, um, and they're the things that I suppose I hold dearly to me. It's never ever been about what, what's this big thing that this one carer has done. I think every carer has done something really magical for a lot of our children. Um, and I'm really grateful that I get to see that and witness it so, so closely. Um, Because they're the memories that hopefully our young people will carry with them forever.

Helen:

Yeah. And your social worker family must be really proud of you, Stefanie. Yeah. Yeah, I hope so. Oh, it's been wonderful to speak to you today, Stefanie. I think there's some really, really useful Uh, advice in there, um, some really interesting talking points. And that tool that you talk about will, we'll put that in the, the bio for this, um, for this podcast. So, so people can use it. Um, so just to finish really, you know, if, if anyone listening, I imagine a lot of people listening today might already be a foster carer, it might be a parent, um, but there might be some people listening who are considering fostering, you know, what would you say to them?

Stefanie:

Um, I would say just do it. Do it, um, you know, reach out to us, um, you will be It is tough, there's no getting away from it, it is tough at times but it is really rewarding. Um, it really is, you get to genuinely really make a difference and I know that sounds probably a little cheesy. Um. Not at all. But, but you do. Yeah. You do, you know, you get to really make a huge impact and. our children, young people's lives, um, and for some of our most vulnerable children, young people. So yeah, I would say, you know, pick up the phone, speak to somebody and yeah, take it from

Helen:

there. Thank you so much, Stefanie. It's been wonderful to chat to you. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to get involved in the conversation, we would love to hear your questions. Maybe there's something you'd really like to ask about fostering. Get in touch. You can email us on podcast at nfa. co. uk.