May - The importance of mindfulness

For the past 15 years, May has been a dedicated foster carer with NFA Scotland, fulfilling a lifelong dream. She and her husband waited until their daughter turned 16 before taking the step into fostering, ensuring it was the right time for their family. The journey has been a rollercoaster, but one they wouldn’t trade for anything. May is a strong advocate for the practice of mindfulness among foster carers, emphasising its vital role in managing the unique challenges they face. In this episode, we explore the positive impact of mindfulness in fostering and how it has helped May and others.





Chapters:
00:00 Introduction and Welcome
00:22 May's Journey into Fostering
03:01 First Experiences as a Foster Carer
06:27 Challenges and Rewards of Fostering
10:45 Mindfulness and Its Impact
21:42 Advice for Aspiring Foster Carers
25:31 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Welcome
• 0:22 May's Journey into Fostering
• 3:01 First Experiences as a Foster Carer
• 6:27 Challenges and Rewards of Fostering
• 10:45 Mindfulness and Its Impact
• 21:42 Advice for Aspiring Foster Carers
• 25:31 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Transcript

00:00:00 Helen 

So welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering, where today I'm joined by May. Hello may. 

00:00:07 Helen 

Hello. Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, mate. It's lovely to have you with us. So you have got a wealth of experience in fostering, haven't you? 

00:00:16 Helen 

I right in saying it's been 15 years. 

00:00:18 Foster Carer May 

Is that right? Yeah. Yes. 

00:00:22 Helen 

So tell us about how. 

00:00:23 Helen 

You started in fostering. Then you know what led you towards it. 

00:00:30 Foster Carer May 

I thought something I've always wanted to do is Foster and and I was lucky enough to have one child with my own and my husband. He didn't want to foster when my little girl was younger. 

00:00:45 Foster Carer May 

So we waited until she was 16 and took a a turn in in my lifestyle and and yeah, and my husband said go for it. And I haven't looked back since it's been. 

00:01:01 Foster Carer May 

A roller coaster. 

00:01:04 Helen 

Yes. So tell us about, you know, the the initial sort of decision to become a foster carer and and how you went about it really you know and and and what the training was like was it what you expected? 

00:01:19 Foster Carer May 

Learn about it, because it's always in the back of my mind. I always wanted to do that, so I was really quite giddy about it and and excited. 

00:01:28 Foster Carer May 

Eat, so yes, we. 

00:01:31 Foster Carer May 

We googled some things and online and NNFAN national Foster agency was top with the list and had loads and great reviews, so we contacted them and it took about. 

00:01:51 Foster Carer May 

A month or so for to get back to us and we started our journey through there. Yeah, it's. 

00:02:00 Foster Carer May 

It's quite daunting to start with when you've got. It's called a four meth, so you have. You have allocated a social worker. 

00:02:11 Foster Carer May 

And they do your job. Now you start your training, start and. 

00:02:18 Foster Carer May 

And there's it's quite invasive because they're coming into your home every. 

00:02:22 Foster Carer May 

Week for at. 

00:02:24 Foster Carer May 

Least three months, so yes, it it was daunting. But now I understand why it needs to be done. So that was that was the beginning. And I've I've never. 

00:02:39 Foster Carer May 

I love training, I love. I'm so enthusiastic about learning new new skills new. 

00:02:49 Foster Carer May 

And every child's individual. So I'll bring them in and adapt to whatever their needs are. 

00:02:58 Foster Carer May 

Yeah, it's. 

00:03:00 Helen 

Exciting. So taking us back may to, you know, 15 years ago when you were first approved, you know, I imagine you've maybe not thought about that for a while because it was such a long time ago now. But can you remember how that felt, you know, when you were first approved and then you had that first child or young person? 

00:03:19 Helen 

Want to say with you? Can you? 

00:03:20 Helen 

Tell us about that. 

00:03:22 Foster Carer May 

Ohh I remember that like it was yesterday. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and I I went through the panel and I got a phone call and offering and two boys and I was over the moon and 8:00 and 10:00 and I'm thinking. 

00:03:42 Foster Carer May 

Ohh yes, I'll be able to do loads. 

00:03:44 Foster Carer May 

Of stuff with them and. 

00:03:46 Foster Carer May 

Just my mind went a completely different Rd for the two children that came through my door and it quickly learned to follow them. 

00:04:01 Foster Carer May 

The the the first. They were so traumatised it was actually it. I sat down with my head in my hands thinking ohh my I I really need to stand up here and and you couldn't go to the toilet themselves. They didn't know how to use and toilet roll. 

00:04:22 Foster Carer May 

If I didn't shout toilet roll when they went into the toilet, it was wiped all over them and. 

00:04:28 Foster Carer May 

Food and they they clearly, clearly hadn't had access to food and everything insight was being eaten. They both of them. 

00:04:43 Foster Carer May 

They constantly wet beds, petrified and and it was really tough. Really tough because at night when once I got them settled, I just sit and go. 

00:04:59 Foster Carer May 

Ohh, it was absolutely so overwhelming for myself, but I so wanted to do right by these children and they. 

00:05:11 Foster Carer May 

We just. 

00:05:13 Foster Carer May 

Didn't have a home that they could or had a bed. They they slept on floor should they should know, or. Or being mattress. And that was triggers triggers to them. When I used to bring the wet the bed and I used to strip the the bed. 

00:05:29 Foster Carer May 

That was massive triggers to them and their behaviours they were. 

00:05:33 Foster Carer May 

Both of them were taught to fight, and the winner got the food. So this house was chaotic for the 1st about at least three months from the for the for the day they came in and I love the two boys. It was so rewarding. 

00:05:53 Foster Carer May 

To for for me to go out shopping and and come back and give them a suite in a a suite. And they used to pick their sweet and it was like I'd handed them the world. They were so appreciative. And and I'll never forget these two boys never. 

00:06:11 Foster Carer May 

I got them into football clubs. They were out in the community, you know, they were just. They were my life. They were. 

00:06:19 Foster Carer May 

Just. 

00:06:20 Foster Carer May 

So, so just lovable, beautiful, beautiful two boys. 

00:06:27 Helen 

So maybe that sounds like you know, so it's just steep learning curve. 

00:06:31 Helen 

Wasn't it you the the first two young people that came to stay with you? 

00:06:36 Helen 

There was, there was some real lessons there that you learned very quickly, I suppose to be open minded, really as you say you were expecting one experience and actually it was something else, wasn't it? So I suppose going into each experience now you're more open minded. 

00:06:53 Foster Carer May 

Ohh yeah, that that big lemon cuff for me was what you read on the chronology is never what you come through through the door, because then we're taught that we're the eyes and. 

00:07:05 Foster Carer May 

Ears. 

00:07:06 Foster Carer May 

For the what's actually been gone on children? 

00:07:08 Foster Carer May 

Life. So yes, that's why I'll read over and I just discard it and wait to the child comes in and I ask flourish every single time that that they there's something nice happens to them. It's. Yeah. 

00:07:28 Foster Carer May 

Can be. 

00:07:30 Foster Carer May 

Roll word is a roller coaster because one day we're up. Next day you're doubt you know, so. 

00:07:36 Helen 

Yeah. And you know, you use that word that we talk about a lot on the podcast, but you know, it can't be underestimated how rewarding it is. Because as you say you, you know, how long did those boys stay with you for? 

00:07:48 Foster Carer May 

It was very that was another McLennan Curve because 15 years ago there's that was children were were moved from Foster home to foster home, quite regular. And and I'm a private agency and and the kids were accommodated before they came. 

00:08:08 Foster Carer May 

Me and. 

00:08:10 Foster Carer May 

Back and forward 3 or 4 times to the to the home and and there was a Council header come up. So they moved on. Which again I was just drop. But again it is a massive learning curve, thick. Thankfully that doesn't. 

00:08:30 Foster Carer May 

That really happens today, but back 15 years ago that was regular that they just placed kids to be cheaper, you know, and. 

00:08:41 Foster Carer May 

I couldn't get that round my head because the child was never, never in the centre. It was. It was always about something else that was going on. So yeah. 

00:08:54 Foster Carer May 

You quickly you quickly harden up to the the harsh reality. 

00:09:01 Foster Carer May 

To social social work and you know, it's bigger than it's. 

00:09:06 Foster Carer May 

Bigger than that? 

00:09:07 Helen 

I think it is an interesting point to touch on though mate that you know your time with a child or a young person does come to an end and I think that's something that a lot of people fear. You know that you'll get attached and that will be really difficult. 

00:09:22 Helen 

You know, what's that experience like for you when when a child or a young person moves on? 

00:09:29 Foster Carer May 

Mixed emotions depending on on the level of need of the child. I've had quite a few as the longest placement. 

00:09:42 Foster Carer May 

Loved that boy. He was a part of your family and he went down the wrong path and it was getting. It was very dangerous and and the decision was taken out of my hands that he needed to move on. And so that and it wasn't till he actually moved out. 

00:10:02 Foster Carer May 

That that's what led me to mindfulness, because I was broken. 

00:10:09 Foster Carer May 

And. 

00:10:10 Foster Carer May 

Looking back now, I could have done a lot, lots of things different. It's always reflect on what I could have done. So that feeling was really. 

00:10:23 Foster Carer May 

Total relief because. 

00:10:27 Foster Carer May 

I was being abused every day, every day, verbally assaults. And so. Yeah, and I still wanted to look after that, that boy, because I was the only person that heard me a lot. I'm down at that that point. 

00:10:45 Helen 

Yeah, so so may you've talked about. 

00:10:47 Helen 

Mindfulness there, which we will come on to cause. I really, really want to hear all about how you've you know, you've got into mindfulness. 

00:10:54 Helen 

But you say there, you know, it was very, very difficult, but you're still doing it, aren't you? You're still being a foster carer. So what is it that that makes you want to continue? 

00:11:06 Foster Carer May 

Not chilling. I just need to be not as I've got loads of love to give. And you know it's. 

00:11:14 Foster Carer May 

I I love it, I love. I don't even class it as having a job. It's my life. 

00:11:20 Foster Carer May 

And there are the the the front. My my daughter. She's a secondary school teacher, and she's an A special needs. So she it's a family thing. So we're all supporting each other. Yeah. So our mixture of emotions of relief. 

00:11:40 Foster Carer May 

To do I really want to foster now because you're you, you come to a point where you are down, you're you're better, you're you're done because. 

00:11:53 Foster Carer May 

Yeah, tough. And that's the point I come I came to do I really want to foster now, can I continue this and dearly. And that's when I got into mindfulness that. 

00:12:08 Foster Carer May 

It retrained my mind into I was taking everything personal. It's not personal. It's the the way the the kids have been brought up, the trauma they've, they've. 

00:12:20 Foster Carer May 

They've suffered and I'm their sounding board. So yeah, when you take a different approach and you're looking after yourself and that is when it all starts clicking and and the place. 

00:12:34 Helen 

Yes, so so mindfulness then may tell us about, you know, how you discovered it. Had you heard of it before? 

00:12:41 Helen 

Is it just a word, you know that you've maybe heard of or how did you get into it? 

00:12:48 Foster Carer May 

Well, I love training. I've everything. I'll. I'll read all the time. It just when children come in, I start with what other traumas or abuse of of of suffered. I start delving into things and at that point our agency had a lovely lady. 

00:13:07 Foster Carer May 

Who was doing the training and she was in in mindfulness and she kept. 

00:13:15 Foster Carer May 

See and look. You would really love this, and it was something we having. Do I really want to do more training when you know it's for me? I didn't see it for myself. I wanted to train for the kids. So it took a a number of months for me stuff and doing the mindfulness. And I went on a course. 

00:13:35 Foster Carer May 

The trainer to headspace and and I loved it. I loved it. It was only night of the week. I used to come home and have a full night's sleep, you know? So that all was. 

00:13:52 Foster Carer May 

And now I can just. 

00:13:53 Foster Carer May 

Sit in the moment where? 

00:13:56 Foster Carer May 

When behaviours are are escalating, it's quite easy for a foster carer to be pulled into that and be up the same level as the kid. 

00:14:07 Foster Carer May 

And and what I struggled with was I was. 

00:14:12 Foster Carer May 

Still up at the. 

00:14:12 Foster Carer May 

Level and the kids can regulate very quickly and you're still left, so it just escalated and escalate to to the point where where I was sitting at night with my head in my hands. 

00:14:27 Foster Carer May 

Thinking. 

00:14:28 Foster Carer May 

What I gotta. 

00:14:29 Foster Carer May 

Do and, and so mindfulness for that. 

00:14:33 Foster Carer May 

And and and once again I took that with both hands and started looking at other other training. 

00:14:41 Foster Carer May 

And a 2. 

00:14:41 Foster Carer May 

Cup brace works and I do my cloth with breath works. 

00:14:47 Foster Carer May 

To actually lead. 

00:14:49 Foster Carer May 

A group of meditation. I can lead a meditation. 

00:14:54 Foster Carer May 

At right at the beginning I was more into mindfulness for the the the little girl that I've got so traumatised day and night and. 

00:15:07 Foster Carer May 

It was like. 

00:15:09 Foster Carer May 

Flashback. She was getting off the abuse and she we used to call it bad dreams, so I used to do mindful stories, massage or back and just it's it's like she sits with her back to you. So when when you're not. 

00:15:29 Foster Carer May 

Looking, they can actually start telling you once you've relaxed, they'll start telling you what's actually going on. So yeah, I used to do my, my, the little girl off, and I've still got a little girl in in here and that's nearly 7. 

00:15:46 Foster Carer May 

And and it's brought her own. Yeah. Yep. 

00:15:50 Helen 

So may for anyone listening or watching, who may be as brand new to mindfulness. Maybe they've heard the word, or maybe they've never heard of it. Can you just tell us exactly sort of what it is and what it involves and and what the benefits are? 

00:16:05 Foster Carer May 

The benefits to me it it involves taking time for yourself. 

00:16:11 Foster Carer May 

And and being in tune with your body, there's your minds always racing or on with foster carers. We try to be one step ahead, not to to. And mindfulness can actually stop that in your your in your head and bring yourself back to the present. 

00:16:31 Foster Carer May 

And and just concentrate on what's the here and now. 

00:16:35 Foster Carer May 

So it it actually relaxes, it relaxes you. You can do full body meditations. You can do a A2 minute meditation. 

00:16:47 Foster Carer May 

And then you can actually just have mindful moments where you can just be sitting and and it's it's all about your mind going acknowledging what's there and bringing it back to to what is in the here and now. So I feel. 

00:17:01 Foster Carer May 

So relaxed. So I'm much more confident now and and you know it's. 

00:17:09 Foster Carer May 

It's rewarding for me. It's it's put me back on the road to where I love what I'm doing. 

00:17:17 Foster Carer May 

After the. 

00:17:19 Foster Carer May 

Number of foster carers will have a a devastating ending for for one reason or another, and it brought me back from that. 

00:17:27 Foster Carer May 

Back to where I was at the beginning. 

00:17:30 Foster Carer May 

And and I am a much better person for it. Now I can control my own mind. Not letting it run run wild with me, and preempting what might happen. It's all about the here and now. There's there's loads it and it's. 

00:17:45 

In. 

00:17:48 Foster Carer May 

No. 

00:17:49 Foster Carer May 

There's so much mindfulness, it's it's it helps from the. 

00:17:53 Foster Carer May 

Kids. 

00:17:54 Foster Carer May 

If you you get your kids in there, they can sit beside you. They can, you know, it takes a long time to to get where, where, where, with actually storm and bringing your mind back to the present because a foster carers. 

00:18:10 Foster Carer May 

Always want to do something and always wanting to do the next thing, yeah. 

00:18:17 Helen 

So how long have you been doing this then? And I imagine that you wish. You'd have found it earlier May saying that. 

00:18:26 Foster Carer May 

Yeah, yeah, definitely in seven. 

00:18:28 

Years. 

00:18:29 Helen 

Oh wow. 

00:18:29 Foster Carer May 

Seven years? Yeah, just at the point where the the two kids that I've got. 

00:18:36 Foster Carer May 

Now they were coming in in my care, because that was the they was. So they do. I really want you full stop and and I still wasn't 100%. So this was just suppose that this was a short break and we're seven years down the line. Yeah. 

00:18:56 Helen 

So if anybody watching or listening now may maybe was interested in this. 

00:19:02 Helen 

You know, what would you suggest to them to maybe sort of dip their toe in or, you know, to to help them to sort of cope with the everyday stresses and strains of of daily life? You know, what would you recommend? 

00:19:15 Foster Carer May 

There should be apps on your phone you can download and it gives you different meditations to start off with. Just listen to at night because that's when a for a foster carer, that is probably the time where your your mind can't switch off. 

00:19:33 Foster Carer May 

So that plane in the background would switch your mind off and be able to relax you so you can have a good night's sleep. And then there's courses that you can pick up. There's breastworks. 

00:19:49 Foster Carer May 

That was one that there's there's a whole host online that you can download yoga, you can yogas sort of you do mindfulness as well. There's groups. 

00:20:02 Foster Carer May 

In that, there's a place where I live that you can. It's wild swimming and you do meditations at night and you can do wild swimming and it's a a different group of people that you actually meeting for you. That is is for you, for you know, do something for yourself. 

00:20:22 Foster Carer May 

Before, if you're 100%, you're given 100% commitment to your kids. 

00:20:28 Foster Carer May 

I am I I am more frightened to say that I wasn't getting the kids 100% when I was down because I couldn't. I didn't have any more fuel left to give. It was just it was take, take take. 

00:20:42 Foster Carer May 

But mindfulness is now. I've got a. 

00:20:44 Foster Carer May 

My mind is is in a different place. I feel much better. 

00:20:50 Foster Carer May 

And it just gradually, it's once that you miss it a week. 

00:20:54 Foster Carer May 

And you think? 

00:20:55 Foster Carer May 

Ohh I've I've not had my life or miss my meditation cause I still do it weekly with the same group. So yeah it it's like your mind knows that it's it's gone. That's the time. And that's the time for you and you sit. 

00:21:10 Foster Carer May 

And it it just relaxes you. 

00:21:14 Helen 

And I imagine you you can't really imagine your life without it. Now would that be correct? 

00:21:20 Foster Carer May 

Definitely not, cause if we miss a week or someone's on holiday. 

00:21:27 Foster Carer May 

By the time you come round to sit again in a in a group, it's like ohh really needed that without even realising in that that you're not 100%. 

00:21:39 Foster Carer May 

Yeah, yeah. 

00:21:41 Helen 

Brilliant. And just going back to fostering before we finish our chat, may you know if there was anybody listening or watching who was thinking about becoming a foster carer, but maybe finding it a bit daunting and you know what, what would you say to them? How would you encourage them to to look into it and and, you know, maybe get involved like you have yourself. 

00:22:01 Foster Carer May 

And there's lots of open days and go different, different places on the Internet. You can. There's the OR the list will come up, or if you know, a foster carer and they'll give you an insight. So if anybody does want to foster, give them a phone number, yeah. 

00:22:21 Foster Carer May 

It's. 

00:22:24 Foster Carer May 

It's really rewarding when you're in the the right headspace. It can be difficult. Do you know if you've got a difficult placement because all placements are different? We've got enhanced placements, you've got short breaks. You could come as a, a respite carer if you just wanted to do it weekends. 

00:22:45 Foster Carer May 

To help carers get a break. So yeah, I would look on the Internet or if you know a group, your local council or a private agency. 

00:23:00 Helen 

And it's been quite the journey for you, hasn't it? May, as you said earlier, ups and downs, you know, but I imagine you wouldn't change it, would you? 

00:23:09 Foster Carer May 

Or definitely no, it's been a a massive lemon Cove going back about 10 years. My my first girl that I can now link to trauma when trauma words is used regular. 

00:23:29 Foster Carer May 

I think that girl. 

00:23:32 Foster Carer May 

Again, she was my world. She then left to go to a residential home because her needs was it was 24 hours care she needed and the day that she left, she stood up and says me, why are you crying? She says. Portugal look after you. 

00:23:53 Foster Carer May 

I. 

00:23:54 Foster Carer May 

And went away. We are stranger and I thought that the trauma, it's like you're thinking that she's the most. There's no emotions because she would cuddle you. But there was nothing like me. It's it was. No, not sharing it, wasn't it? And it's just a matter of fact. And so that that was again was another learning curve. 

00:24:14 Foster Carer May 

And the trauma, how it affects the children's? 

00:24:20 Foster Carer May 

Like the emotion, there was no emotion, just it was a matter of fact, in a way, she went. We're we're a stranger and so that for me thought the trauma. 

00:24:29 Foster Carer May 

Into. 

00:24:32 Foster Carer May 

I wanted to learn more about that because I couldn't believe that I I'm a wee girl so loving well, which I was thinking was so loving, stayed with you for three years and just woke up one day and was getting moved by a stranger and went. So yeah. Yeah, it's. 

00:24:52 Foster Carer May 

The more you, the more you want to learn, the more the more. 

00:24:58 Foster Carer May 

Your doors open for enhanced placements. Different, it's just. 

00:25:05 Foster Carer May 

There's a whole host different different placements and different kids and your experiences, and you really need to think to yourself, what is it you want to put up with. You always need to have your rules in place and and sit down with your social worker, have plans and and great communication with your social worker. 

00:25:26 Foster Carer May 

This key. 

00:25:28 Foster Carer May 

For for help, that's your sounding boat, yeah. 

00:25:32 Foster Carer May 

You. 

00:25:34 Helen 

Well, mate, it's been so wonderful speaking to you and hearing your your journey and and your journey into mindfulness as well and and how it's transformed your life for the better. So thank you so, so much. Best of luck with the future. Thank you. 

00:25:49 Foster Carer May 

Thanks. Thank you. 

00:25:51 Helen 

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to get involved in the conversation, we would love to hear your questions. Maybe there's something you'd really like to ask about fostering. Get in touch. You can e-mail us on podcast@nfa.co.uk.