Julie - I have fostered for 23 years!

In this episode of our fostering podcast, you will meet Julie, who with her husband have fostered for 23 years, which is truly remarkable. 

In this candid episode, Julie speaks about her recovery from breast cancer and what that meant for her and her foster family. Julie is truly an inspiration, her constant upbeat attitude has meant that she has been able to provide such wonderful care to the children she has and continues to care for. 

With 23 years of experience to talk about this is one episode you do not want to miss. 

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Transcript

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Right.

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So, Julie, thank you so much for
joining us today.

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You're welcome.

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It's lovely to have you here. So,
all I know is that you have

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been fostering for a very long time,
haven't you? Over 20 years.

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Yeah.

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So tell us about, you know, what
led you to becoming a foster carer

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all those years ago.

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Yeah, well, we've been. John and myself,
that's husband, have been fostering now

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for 23 years.

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Wow.

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We started fostering because, very sadly,
we didn't think we could have children

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of our own. I had had seven
miscarriages and a very nasty ruptured

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ectopic pregnancy back in 1992, where I
nearly lost my life. So I'd been

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childminding at the time and I'd been
a childminder for ten years, but

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obviously, your child minding children, go
home at night, and I was desperate

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to have a child, so I convinced
John, maybe we should look at fostering.

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John at the time, I have to
say, wasn't as interested as myself.

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Took a bit of convincing. Yeah, I'm
quite persuasive.

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And during this time, I had luckily
managed to have a daughter of our

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own.

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Wow.

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Gemma. And Gemma was 18 months old,
and the reason John was a little

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bit more reluctant than myself was due
to the fact he didn't know what

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the impact on having a foster young
person in the household would have on

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Gemma growing up. Having said that, 23
years on, we

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also, at the very young age of
42, I found out I was pregnant

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naturally and carrying twins.

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Wow.

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And we have twin boys of our
own, Tom and Will, who are now

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18, and it has absolutely, I would
say, enriched Tom, Wills

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and Gemma's life, being brought up in
a fostering family, because

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they are, what I will say from
a very normal background. The children

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we've had in, obviously, for whatever
reason, they're in the fostering world,

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need lots of TLC. And it's enriched
Tom and Wills and Gemma's life, because

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it's made them realise just how lucky
they are to still be with their

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own family. So, from Tom, Wills and
Gemma's point of view, it's been lovely.

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So all John's reservations right, back
then, 23 years ago, and my very

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persuasive nature has all paid off.

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Yeah. So, of course, for a lot
of people, fostering is something that

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they might choose to do, because, like
yourself, they struggle to have their own

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birth children. And then, of course, you
were blessed with birth children, but you

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decided to continue with fostering as
well. So tell us about that decision

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and how they both intertwined, really.

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Yeah. To be honest, there was no
decision. We just continued because we

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loved it from the word go. Looking
back, our first, very first foster young

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man was 13. He was amazing. Lovable,
rogue, but amazing. And he lived with

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us for three years, fitted into the
family very, very well. And it started

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us off on our fostering career life,
however, what you want to call it.

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And we just loved it. So there
was no decision for us to say

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once Gemma was born. Actually, we're not
going to do this anymore. That never

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entered our heads, because as a couple
and as a family, we enjoyed the

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fostering life. We enjoyed helping young
people that weren't so fortunate as

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Gemma, because we had Gemma at the
time, to giving them some normality,

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giving them some TLC, a bit of
a look into what, if you can

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call this a normal family, which I'm
not, so know a family should look.

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Yeah. And all the fun that goes
with that.

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So, thinking back to the beginning, you
said your husband, John, he had some

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reservations. Did you have any
reservations about fostering juvie?

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No, because I'd been childminding for ten
years. Like I said, I absolutely adore

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children. So I wanted. What you have
to understand is I'd been through so

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much medically, with all my miscarriages,
all my lost babies, my ruptured topic,

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nearly losing my own life. I desperately
wanted to give something back, if that

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makes sense. I felt that I, in
a funny sort of way, being put

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on this earth. I'd had gone through
so much and now it was my

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turn to really give something back. And
my giving something back was to nurture,

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to care, to love for a child
not as fortunate as our own, and

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to give them some TLC. And that's
how Today, 23 years on, and I

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look back and think, my goodness, we've
looked after 28 children of all ages,

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lads and girls, through that time, and
a lot of them now still come

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back. I still take them for lunch,
I still see them. And to look

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at them now and think, wow, you
lived with us for x amount of

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years because initially we are long term
carers. However, we have done short term,

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we have done respite, we've done
emergency, we've done bridging. So there's

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all sorts of different types of fostering
you can do, and we've done one.

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But when Gemma was young, it was
very important to us that there was

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consistency within the family home. So we
chose to do long term because we

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didn't want lots of comings and goings
for our own child. It was important

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that there was consistency and she got
a relationship with whoever was living

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with us, rather than because she was
very young, she'd get an attached and

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then within a few weeks, they were
going again. So there was never a

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decision on my behalf to say, I
want to give this up. That never

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entered my head. Yeah.

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It just naturally. Naturally evolved.

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Yes.

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So 28 placements on now.

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Yes.

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Are there any that stand out in
particular to you? Anything that you feel

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like you really learned or any that
sort of hold a particular place in

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your heart?

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Every one of them.

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Everyone.

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I can't choose. Every one of them
are special because they all come from

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such different backgrounds as to why
they're in care. Each one is very

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special, depending on what age they are,
what they need from us as a

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family. And there was a situation where
we had a sibling group

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of three and they were never at
school. They were very young and we

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got them into school and they absolutely
started to flourish with us at home.

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And for whatever reason, sometimes in life

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it's got to be seen that they
need to be reunited back home with

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either parent. And the dad had asked
for these children to return back home

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and was getting a house and they
really didn't want to go because we'd

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got them so settled. There are
heartbreaking moments. They did go back

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home, and quite rightly so. I'm not
saying that they shouldn't have gone back

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home, where appropriate. I feel that
children, if it is an appropriate thing

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to do, to return them back to
parents, mum, dad, grandparents, whoever,

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absolutely fabulous. But from us as
carers, you do get upset because you

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get attached to these children. That
stands out very much. That was an

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upsetting time for us as a family,
for the children as a family, to

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see them leave. However, we tend to.
My last foster lad has been with

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us nine years. He moved out earlier
on this year and he's 21. So

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most of our young people come, they
don't want to go. I've got a

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lad in now who's 20, who's been
with us four years. There's no sign

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of him leaving us yet. And it's
nice because our end goal, if possible,

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where possible, is to get them into
independent living so that I know when

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they leave our door and our family,
they can stand on their own 2ft

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wherever they want to live. And I
always pray it's quite close to us

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so that I can still see them.
And the majority of our young people,

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I do still, like I said, meet
up for lunch, meet up, go shopping

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with them. We see them at Christmas.
I had a big birthday party back

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in March. 3 of them were there
that lived with us years ago. That's

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a reward. That's the rewarding part of
being a foster carer. Mum, whatever.

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However, I'm foster mum, but foster carer.
Yeah.

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Because, as you say, there are
heartbreaking parts of it, very children

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or young people having to move on.
But how do you get through those

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moments? They are challenging, but how do
you get through them?

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It's very difficult. All you can hope
is, especially if. I'll go back to

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talking about the sibling group of three.
We weren't allowed to see them when

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they left and I totally get the
reason why. Because they needed to be

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able to settle with dad. For them
to be able to do that meant

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that they had to cut ties with
myself and John and the children because

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they would never have settled. And that
is quite right. That is the right

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way to have gone with that. That's
hard for us as a fostering family

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because we'd had them for nine months,
we'd nurtured these children, we'd got

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them into school. They were feral
children. They weren't. By the time they

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left us, there was a lot of
hard work gone into looking after these

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children and for their tender ages, four,
five and seven. And I don't think

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really you ever get over them moving
out, but you have to turn it

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into a positive and you have to
think and hope and pray that their

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life is continuing as it was with
us, because you don't get to hear

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what's happened to that sibling group of
three. So all you can do is

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turn it into a positive look on
those nine months as you did your

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best, your very best for them. You
could see the progression in those nine

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months. And you hope and pray that
that progression carries on.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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But even when Jack moved out earlier
on this year, he'd been with us

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nine years. He's 21. I cried because
nine years is a long time. I've

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still got his brother at home. He
won't be leaving for a good. I'm

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hoping he's nearly 16, so I'm hoping
he won't be leaving for a good

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few years yet. But you can't help
it. You get attached to these children,

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they become part of the family. How
can you not get emotional? We're a

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very lovey dovey family. We're very
cuddly. We make them very much a

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part of their family if they want
to. We don't force them to be

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part of because it depends what they've
been through in their little lives. But

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when they go out that door, you
do have tears, and it's tears of

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being proud of what you've achieved with
them, but also that they're actually

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moving on to the next chapter in
their life, and that's independent living.

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You've got them through school. They may
have done gcses. Jack did his gcses

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and his a levels years ago. That
was unheard of in the fostering world.

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Now it's very much a thing where
foster young people go on to do

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their gcses or a levels, and it's
wonderful. Yeah.

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And you must feel so proud.

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So proud. Yeah. And I saw him
last night. He still comes round home.

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We still go out for coffees with
us all the time, because his brother

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still lives at home. And that's the
rewarding part. You hope that they'll go

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on to have their own lives, their
own girlfriends, their own families, and

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they take, even if it's just a
little glimmer of what they've had, living

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with you into that next life, there's
something that you can think they're doing

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that because they learned that from us,
that was taught from us.

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So over 20 years of fostering, then,
it's been, I imagine, quite an up

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and down journey at times. You've always
fostered. You've not really had any

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breaks, have you?

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Never.

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When difficult things have happened to
you. So tell us about. You had

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an issue with your health.

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Was it seven years ago? Seven years
ago this June, just gone, 2016, I

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was diagnosed with a very, very aggressive
form of breast cancer. If I

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hadn't gone for my mammogram that day,
I wouldn't be here today. We all

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lead incredibly busy lives, especially us
ladies. No disrespect to the men, but

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running a family, especially me, because I
run a family of seven, sometimes nine.

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Very, very busy lady. I got my
mammogram letter come through the door. I

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could have looked at that letter and
thought, you know what? I'll just put

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it off for a bit. I'll put
that letter into the drawer, I'll get

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round to doing it, because we've all
done that, haven't we, with medical

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appointments. The lump that they
discovered after having nine biopsies was

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that the breast cancer was very deeply
embedded into my left breast. So it

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would never have been. I didn't know
I was poorly. I couldn't feel it.

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Even the radiographers of 30 years plus
experience, when I went for that mammogram

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could not feel that lump. If I
hadn't have gone for that mammogram that

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day, I would not be here today.
Now. I wasn't going anywhere. I had

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a family of seven to look after.
Every week I went into that hospital,

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I hit chemo as my friend. I
had about seven operations after, because

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I had a double mastectomy at home.
I remained incredibly positive around all

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the children, age appropriate, told them
the journey I was going on and

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I included them, and I am going
to say age appropriate in every ounce

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of my journey, on my cancer journey.
So they weren't frightened. Tried not to

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let them worry. Operation days. The
following day, they came in to see

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me and I think families, no matter
who you are, hit bad times. You

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can't wear rose tinted spectacles all the
time, because that's not true. Life. They

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have to see the good, they have
to see the bad. They have to

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see John and I having a little
of a bicker now and again, because

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that's part of family. So if one,
God forbid, one of the foster carers

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falls poorly, that is still part of
life, isn't so, you know, you pull

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together and I'm very proud of the
young people, which was Jack and James

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at the time, were with us and
are still. Well, like I said, jack

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moved out earlier this year, but James
is still with me and we have

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lots of reminiscing. Do you remember, mum?
Because he calls me mum. Do you

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remember? You know, and we made a
joke about at the dinner table, because

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my twin boys were great footballers at
the time and quite high up in

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the football league. And James said, when
you get your wig and it's a

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windy day, will I have to climb
the tree at the football pitch and

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go and get your wig? And this
is how we dealt with it. So

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I allowed them to make a laugh
about if I did have a bold

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head, if I was going to wear
a wig, if that wig did fly

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off in the wind at the football
pitch. And that's how we dealt with

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it. Yeah.

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There was no taboos like you could
talk about.

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No, anything, because they would have
sensed it and because they will see

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with me if I'm happy, sad. I
mean, recently, I've lost my beloved mum.

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I lost my dad two and a
half years ago. The foster children were

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very close. They called him granddad. They
were very close to him. He was

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99, he was five weeks off, 100.
Wow. My mum, they'd been married nearly

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75 years. I've kept my mum going
the last two and a half years.

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And very sadly, in September, she passed
away. That's something else they have to

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go through. We went through it as
a family. We were supportive of each

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other. We talk about things, but I
am saying age appropriate here. We have

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to be very clear on that. Age
appropriate. And depending on the young

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people you have in how close you
are, whether they like opening up to

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things, whether they've been through
things before they moved in with you,

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you have to be very careful. But
we've been able to do this as

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a family because I've known my foster
young people very well, because I've been

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doing it a long time. So you
know what you can talk about, you

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know what you can't talk about, but
that comes with getting to know them,

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so nothing is taboo. We talk about
everything. And if they've got a problem,

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no matter how bad, if they're in
trouble, which young people get into a

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lot of trouble, doesn't matter how bad
it is, come and talk to us.

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Because I'd rather be able to help
you than you be suffering, hidden away

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in your bedroom, thinking, oh, my God,
oh, my God, I've done something terribly

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wrong. Let's sort it. So we always
try as a fostering family to hit

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things head on, no matter how good
or bad, and we support one another.

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Yeah. And of course, it's not about
being.

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Perfect people, is it? We're not perfect
by any means. We've been through a

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lot as a fostering family. I will
say now, and I was saying this

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on the way up, on my journey
up, 23 years in, people think, my

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God, you must know it all. I
don't know. Half still in fostering life,

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every day I learn something new because
these young people bring different things

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in and you think, oh, goodness, how
do I deal with that? Or how

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do I deal with that? And you'd
think, 23 years of fostering, I would

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know. No, I would know it all.

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I don't.

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Even the training sessions I go on,
there are new carers coming through. And

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I love that because you get fresh
ideas. I'm always learning. You never know

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it all in this. Yes.

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So when these difficult things happen with
bereavements that you've gone through,

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health troubles that you've gone through,
what sort of support do you get

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from your fostering agency during all of
that?

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00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:42,594
Amazing. They are constantly, we've been
with our agency now 1112 years. They

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know us very well as a fostering
family. The support we have had, I

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00:18:46,728 --> 00:18:50,946
mean, going back just over a year
ago, my nephew, which was my brother's

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son, sadly committed suicide, so we've had
a suicide in the family as well,

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which I was very close to Matthew,
incredibly close to Matthew, so it hit

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me very hard. Equally, I had to
be an incredibly strong for my brother

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and sister in law down in Basinstoke
and the rest of the family. We've

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been through a lot. We probably wouldn't
have got through that if it hadn't

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been for the agency either. Our agency
have been incredible, constantly on the

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phone, coming to see us, supporting,
taking the young people out if we

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needed. Although we don't really have any
breaks. We never have breaks because

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they're part of the family, so we
don't send them off holidays. We've never

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had any respite in 23 years. Wherever
we go, they come because they're part

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of the family. We don't want to
divide, and that's not anything against

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foster carers that sometimes need a break
on their own and a holiday on

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their own. I'm not disputing that at
all, but that's what we've chosen to

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do. John and I have the OD
weekend away because we were there first

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before anybody else came along, before our
own birth children came along, before the

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foster children, so we still go and
have our own time. But the fostering

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agency have been incredible and we've got
a lovely agency that are very supportive.

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Yeah.

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And as you say, when these difficult
things happen, instead of thinking, oh,

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maybe we do need a break from
fostering, or maybe we do need some

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respite, keeping the children with you
through all of that, how do you

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think that sort of helps them with
becoming more resilient and really raising

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them as resilient people who can deal
with those things?

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Huge.

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Yeah, huge.

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Because the aim is you would hope
that when, and I'm talking about long

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term caring now, because obviously there's
lots of carers that would potentially

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maybe like to do short term or
respite, which is brilliant, because we've

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done some of that. And like I
said initially, we've only done long term

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caring because of our own birth children.
We didn't want to see lots of

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00:20:52,644 --> 00:20:56,800
comings and goings. So because we have
our young people for many, many years,

291
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seeing them go out and being independent
in their own little place, resilient

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00:21:03,178 --> 00:21:07,586
because they've gone through everything
we've gone through as a family, and

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you can't hide that from them because
they live with you, so they're going

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to see tears, they're going to see
upset, but they're equally going to see

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00:21:14,968 --> 00:21:19,366
lots of positivity, lots of things when
things go right, lots of celebration of

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00:21:19,388 --> 00:21:24,946
people's life. I mean, my mum sadly
passed away on Tom and Will's 18th

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00:21:24,978 --> 00:21:29,686
birthday, my birth twin's birthday, we
turned that into a positive. That could

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have been such a negative, but we
turned that into a positive because on

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the day our beloved birth twins were
born, my mum and dad came to

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see them when they were 2 hours
old and absolutely idolised them from the

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00:21:42,624 --> 00:21:45,486
moment they saw them, as they did
with our own daughter Gemma, as they

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00:21:45,508 --> 00:21:50,606
did with all our fostering young people,
they welcomed them into their home as

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00:21:50,628 --> 00:21:54,238
well. And it's almost like my mum
thought, I'm going to hold on and

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00:21:54,244 --> 00:21:57,006
I'm going to go out of this
world on the day that my beloved

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00:21:57,038 --> 00:22:04,034
grandsons were born, that's how we turned
it and everybody. On the day my

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00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:07,922
mum sadly passed away, it was a
massive celebration of her life because

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00:22:08,056 --> 00:22:12,178
that's how we turned it into a
positive. Yes, it's sad. She's 93, she's

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00:22:12,194 --> 00:22:16,582
had a lovely life. So I think
it's how you address it and word

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00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:21,500
it with. That's what I was looking
for. Thank you. How you frame things,

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always trying to turn things into a
positive. Matthew, my beloved nephew,

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committing suicide, not so easy to deal
with because our foster sons were very

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close to him and knew him very
well. That is another whole talk to

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have had because there's lots of questions
with that type of thing. But again,

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we turned it into a positive. I
do a bit of running, so in

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my madness, I decided I was going
to run half a marathon in memory

316
00:22:54,558 --> 00:22:59,846
of Matthew and for the charity, the
big charity mind in London, and I

317
00:22:59,868 --> 00:23:05,894
raised over 5000 pounds, I set out
to raise 200 and I went on

318
00:23:05,932 --> 00:23:10,086
social media everywhere and raised 5000
pounds. So on the day that I

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00:23:10,108 --> 00:23:13,962
ran that, that was for Matthew. All
the fostering, all of my family knew

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00:23:14,016 --> 00:23:17,034
that. So again, it was a bit
of a positive. With something so

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00:23:17,072 --> 00:23:22,814
horrendous, we turned it into a positive.
And I think it's from the way

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I'm like that and the way I
am, I suppose, wired like that is

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because I've had such horrendous medical
conditions with my miscarriages, my

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00:23:34,168 --> 00:23:41,026
ruptured, ectopic, my cancer, my cancer
journey, you have

325
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to make sense of things, I think,
and you have to show the young

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00:23:44,456 --> 00:23:47,478
people in your life that there are
going to be hard times, there's going

327
00:23:47,484 --> 00:23:53,074
to be severe, stressful, sad times, but
if you've got somebody you can lean

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00:23:53,122 --> 00:23:57,446
on somebody you can have support, somebody
behind you which John and I are

329
00:23:57,468 --> 00:24:02,178
always behind them, supporting them. Life
isn't always good, we know that. Don't

330
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:05,846
know there's going to come times when.
And it is all about resilience, it's

331
00:24:05,878 --> 00:24:11,322
about setting them up as much as
you can to be able to stand

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00:24:11,376 --> 00:24:14,666
on their own 2ft when they leave
your front door and that's our aim.

333
00:24:14,778 --> 00:24:19,646
Can you ever imagine not having fostering
children and young people in your life?

334
00:24:19,668 --> 00:24:20,990
Do you think they'll ever come a
day?

335
00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:27,922
No. My friends always say to me,
Julie, you're going to be 90

336
00:24:27,976 --> 00:24:32,306
years of age wadling along with all
these children going behind you and you

337
00:24:32,328 --> 00:24:36,626
know what? I will do this for
as long as I can. Yeah, I've

338
00:24:36,658 --> 00:24:41,442
got no goals to retire.

339
00:24:41,506 --> 00:24:45,974
At all and if you were to
sum up how fostering has enriched your

340
00:24:46,012 --> 00:24:49,994
life, how it's changed your life, how
would you describe it? What would you

341
00:24:50,032 --> 00:24:50,620
say?

342
00:24:51,390 --> 00:24:58,006
It's enriched my life, John's life,
certainly our birth

343
00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:04,480
children's life and extended family's life
because it opens your eyes to

344
00:25:04,930 --> 00:25:11,760
maybe less fortunate family and children
than your own and

345
00:25:12,630 --> 00:25:19,330
I feel incredibly privileged I would say
that I've been able or we.

346
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:23,794
I say I because it's me sat
here but I speak for John and

347
00:25:23,832 --> 00:25:29,606
all our family that we've been able
to support these young people and maybe

348
00:25:29,788 --> 00:25:35,254
not just them but their families as
well because I've always tried to get

349
00:25:35,292 --> 00:25:40,658
on with our young people's family because
it's important, because I'm not mum, I'm

350
00:25:40,674 --> 00:25:43,786
not their mum, they have a mum,
they have a dad, they have family

351
00:25:43,888 --> 00:25:48,874
and I'm very conscious not to upset
that so I always try and get

352
00:25:48,912 --> 00:25:53,390
on with their family I speak to
the mums and the dads where appropriate

353
00:25:54,610 --> 00:25:59,134
for years I did a lot of
the supervised contacts because if they

354
00:25:59,172 --> 00:26:02,874
can meet me and can see that
I'm not trying to take their role

355
00:26:02,922 --> 00:26:07,906
because I'm not. I'm not their mum.
Yes, James, who we've had in for

356
00:26:07,928 --> 00:26:11,778
nine years, calls me mum. We've never
asked him to call us mum and

357
00:26:11,784 --> 00:26:17,606
dad. He did that of his own
accord we're not mum or dad. We

358
00:26:17,628 --> 00:26:21,190
are there to care for them while
they can't be cared for for whatever

359
00:26:21,260 --> 00:26:26,870
reason, by their own families and we're
privileged to be able to do that

360
00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:31,786
because, like I said, if we get
to the stage where they leave our

361
00:26:31,808 --> 00:26:35,018
door, if they can't go back to
their own family home for whatever reason

362
00:26:35,104 --> 00:26:39,290
or go to grandparents and they remain
with us and they leave our family

363
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:45,870
door. Young adults going into the big,
wide world, and we've been a part

364
00:26:45,940 --> 00:26:52,560
of that journey. That's really enriching.
Yeah, that's really enriching. Because

365
00:26:53,810 --> 00:27:00,242
if I'd have helped one person in
28 years, in 23 years, but

366
00:27:00,296 --> 00:27:06,338
28, you just hope and pray that
they go on and they take a

367
00:27:06,344 --> 00:27:10,086
little bit of what you've helped into
that journey with them.

368
00:27:10,188 --> 00:27:13,334
And if there was anybody listening or
watching that was thinking about

369
00:27:13,372 --> 00:27:18,806
fostering, but maybe a little bit hesitant
about, know, what would you say to

370
00:27:18,828 --> 00:27:19,062
them?

371
00:27:19,116 --> 00:27:23,226
Give it a go. Give it a
go. Look at we. John was very

372
00:27:23,248 --> 00:27:28,586
hesitant. And I get it. You do
wonder, and of course you do, because

373
00:27:28,608 --> 00:27:32,398
it's the unknown who you're going to
get coming in to live with you

374
00:27:32,564 --> 00:27:35,742
are your own birth children. Is it
going to affect your own birth children?

375
00:27:35,796 --> 00:27:42,602
But I can only talk today about
the experience we have had, and it's

376
00:27:42,666 --> 00:27:47,582
certainly enriched our own children's
lives. So I can't say anything different

377
00:27:47,636 --> 00:27:51,054
because I don't know anything different,
but we love it. And I would

378
00:27:51,092 --> 00:27:54,446
say, even if it's short term, just
even if you want to start with

379
00:27:54,468 --> 00:27:59,046
respite, you know, get your foot on
that ladder, do some respite, you know,

380
00:27:59,068 --> 00:28:04,758
just see how fun it is. We've.
We have a lot of fun. I

381
00:28:04,764 --> 00:28:06,280
wouldn't want to do anything else.

382
00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:09,238
Wonderful. Thank you so much for talking
to me.

383
00:28:09,244 --> 00:28:10,550
No, you're more than welcome.

384
00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:11,174
Thank you.

385
00:28:11,212 --> 00:28:11,540
You're welcome.