Mark: My foster children give me purpose.

Coming up on Episode 6, we meet Mark who is a foster carer of unaccompanied minors, young asylum seekers who arrive in the UK by themselves, scared and in need of a safe and loving home. 

But in helping them, he has helped himself, he has faced incredibly difficult personal challenges but says he couldn’t have got through them without the fostering family he has created. Don’t miss his powerful story. 

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Transcript

As everyday people, we don't always have a chance to tell our story to be heard, but everybody's got a story. And this is Mark’s. Hello, Mark.

Mark

Hi. Hello.

Interviewer

Thank you so much for joining me today. So, Mark, you are a foster carer and the type of foster care you do is very interesting, which we will get to and people will be fascinated to learn all about it. But firstly, your background, you've been foster caring for four years now, haven't you? 

Mark

Yeah. 

Interviewer

But your background was very different, wasn't it? So tell us about that and how you ended up as a foster carer. 

Mark

Oh, well, years ago when I was younger, I worked as a butler. So I worked down in London and then over in Hong Kong and then over in Thailand. 

Interviewer

Wow. 

Mark

Um, I loved that. But obviously there isn't much call for it. And because I hadn't been to butlering school, I'd learnt on the job, it was difficult to replace the job when it came to an end. 

Interviewer

Right. 

Mark

So, I had to look around at what I wanted to do. I'd always wanted to be a policeman but wasn't tough enough, I didn't think, to take what comes with the job. Um, so I went into security, went into corporate security, which is just suited and booted, posh security, I mean in office blocks and so on. And ended up doing that for nearly 15 years. 

Interviewer

Wow. And then what was it about foster care that sort of piqued your interest? How did you find out about it? What led you to it? 

Mark

It was purely by chance. I mean, I'd always been interested, I'd always wanted kids. But that just wasn't gonna happen for one reason or another. Um, and I'd looked after nieces and nephews and absolutely loved it. And one of my nephews had gone through a few issues, um, drug abuse and stuff. And I just really loved it, really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it, more than I ever expected. And then I just happened to see an advert for fostering, um, and it mentioned, LGBTQ people were welcome, which I’d thought would always bar me. So suddenly I was like, ‘oh, I can foster’. So, that was it. I got in touch and managed to get hold of Alpha. It was the first agency I looked at. Met up with Alpha on an evening. Thought they were brilliant. Had a really good laugh with them. Got lots of information, um, and just thought, ‘yeah, this is what I want to do’.

Interviewer

So just going back to what you said about being LGBTQ plus. So as a gay man, you thought you wouldn't be able to? That's a common misconception, isn't it? 

Mark

I think it is. I think it's getting better now. And I'm only talking four years ago when I came through fostering, but I think I'd had that idea in my head for a long time that, ‘oh, a gay man's not going to be able to foster’. I don't know why it was there, but I just had it in my head. Um, and it did put me off, like I say, when I saw this… I think it was on the internet…. I saw some post and it was saying LGBTQ. I thought, ‘right, if I can do it, I'm going to have a look at it and see what's what’.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

Like I said, that's when I got hold of Alpha. But yeah, there's a few people said about it, you know, friends and stuff, that thought the same thing, that because somebody was a member of a community who wouldn't be able to. But absolutely no issue. Absolutely none.

Interviewer

So the type of foster care that you've ended up doing is quite unique really, isn't it? And I imagine it gets a lot of questions from people when they find out that you do this type of foster care. So, tell us about what you do.

Mark

Well, I mean, when I came into fostering, it was just generally to be a foster carer. No plans, no ideas. We got our first young person that came to live with us, um, he's English. We got a diagnosis for autism once he'd been with us. But then I had the capability to take more young people in. And I don't know what gave me the idea. I think it was my SSW that had mentioned it, my supporting social worker.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

That had mentioned unaccompanied asylum seekers. 

Interviewer

Right. 

Mark

And I'd heard badish things about some of the experiences you could go through, but generally that's not going to put me off. And I think most of the people at Alpha will say that I'm quite down the line, quite gobby <laugh>. And I'm like, ‘I want to have a look at this’.

So I said yes. And we got a couple of placement options coming through and one of them was an emergency placement for an Afghanistan lad who had literally just arrived in the country that day on the back of a wagon from France. Um, he got off a back of a wagon and managed to get himself into a police station. So the information about him was very minimal, there was no background information as such. The only thing we knew was he didn't speak English, and I don't speak Pashto, which is the language in that region.

But I thought, why not? You know, he’s got to go somewhere. So we said yes. And literally he arrived that evening on the back of the police van and the police officers just dropped him at the door. Um, and I think I had about a two-hour wait before the social worker from the Local Authority came through. So charades became very useful. <laugh>, um, lots of gesticulating. But really nice lad. I think he was scared because he didn't understand what was going on. It did turn out later on that he did think I was something to do with the police. 

Interviewer

Okay. 

Mark

Um, might have been my security job beforehand, I don't know. But, he settled in quickly enough when he realised I wasn't the police and he started to pick up English so quickly. It’s just… he's a sponge. He literally just soaked everything up he could do. Um, he's been with us two and a bit years… two and a half years. 

Interviewer 

And he's still with you now?

Mark

He's with us now. He's going to be moving on. He wants to go into semi-independent or independent living. I think that one of the hardest times as a foster carer is letting go, sometimes. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

But, you know, I've got to be happy with what we've done, what I've done. I've built him ready to move on. That he feels comfortable enough to do that. Because he wants to move where there’s a bigger Afghanistan community. Yeah. Um, so he will leaving in the next few months. Like any of your children, he's never going to be out of our lives. You know, he's always going to be there. We are always going to be there for him. 

Interviewer

So, I have so many questions around you fostering unaccompanied minors, as I imagine a lot of people listening might do. So the young person that you're talking about who's been with you for two and a half years from Afghanistan, does he have any contact or connection with his family at home? Or does he have any family at home?

Mark

Yeah, he has a family back in Afghanistan, but there's issues within that family, so he can't contact them. He'd like to contact his mother, but he can't do for family reasons. Um, and he has siblings at home as well. So we've offered assistance with Red Cross or Red Crescent. But at this moment in time, he is not comfortable to do that. So all we can do is support him as best we can do. Again, it's learning the life story. As foster carers we do somehow, we try and build a book. So I have a book at home and it has photos in. So everything we do we'll take photos on days out, we'll put it into a book and we'll describe what it is. And part of what I do is try and build up a little bit of a life story in the book prior to coming to us.

So I've got photographs of Afghanistan, the regions and stuff, the food, the culture, the mosques. And learning his story, and understanding what he's gone through, which is again, something a lot of people don't appreciate necessarily, when they see these unaccompanied asylum seekers coming across. His life has been war. It's been staying in the house because it's not safe to go out. It's bombs going off, it's rockets going off, it's shooting, you know, and it's so difficult to relate to sometimes because it's so alien to you as an English person.

Interviewer

Yeah.  

Mark

It’s so alien. And it's quite heartbreaking as well because you realise that his whole life has been that and then he’s suddenly arrived in England and it's completely different. And it's… you realise how much he's gone through, but then how much he's got to go through to get accustomed to where he is now and what his future, you know, what his future is. School, college, you know, jobs, family life hopefully, you know.

Interviewer

Yeah. Because obviously there's been, you know, a lot in the news. We're all very aware of asylum seekers and the families that have come across here, you know, to try and escape these terrible situations that they're in. But I think for a lot of people, it might not have even entered their minds that there are children essentially, you know, under eighteens by themselves. 

Mark

Yeah. 

Interviewer

Unaccompanied minors that come here and need somewhere to live. So what's the sort of scale of that issue? How many young people, you know, come over here and need a family to live with?

Mark

I mean, I don't know figures but they vary a lot. You know, it is quite a big issue. While we were… while I was available for placements, I was getting quite a few phone calls for all different nationalities to see whether, you know, we could take them in. There are a lot and there is a big community. I mean, I've got to know the community even more now because we've got these young lads with us. I've got a Syrian. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

You know, and an Afghanistan lad so obviously we get to find out a lot more and get introduced to the community a lot more. So there are a lot out there. It's… I'm really bad cause I push this…. It's so worth doing. It's so rewarding. These kids are so grateful and are so keen, you know, it's like they want to learn. They want to absorb, they want to become part of the culture. It's an amazing role and it's an amazing thing to see and to watch.

But they really do need the help and the support. You know, we talk about trauma within foster children, but obviously this is a different type of trauma because of the situations they've come from. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

And because of the journey they've had to come through to get to England. You know, some people just look at the end result over in England. It's that journey across Europe to get to England.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

And what we've gone through -  the beatings at the borders, having their money stolen, having their food stolen. Um, the risk of abuse on the way across as well. Because again, these are children that are coming across with no support. Often they're coming across with adults they don't, in groups they don't know, in the back of vans, they walking through forests and mountains. 

I have photos of our lad when he arrived with us and the blisters and stuff on his feet were just horrendous. I mean, deep, deep blisters and stuff. And they've gone through so much and, you know, sometimes you don't realise all of that and the problems it causes. And they need that love and they need that care. And once they get it, like I say, they do flourish.

It's an absolute joy. Um, both our lads are now at college, doing really, really well. One's going to be doing construction, um, possibly looking at plumbing. The other one's on about looking at becoming an electrician. 

Interviewer

Wow. 

Mark

Um, the Afghan lad, he plays crickets because when he arrived with us - he arrived in England at a worst possible time because it was Covid in full flow, the lockdown was in full flow. So, um, we had to do a lot of education at home initially. He mentioned that he liked cricket. And I'm just like thinking, ‘yeah, okay’, well everything's shut, but once it's open again we'll get you down to the cricket club, the local club to see how you are’. Turns out he’s amazing. 

Interviewer

Oh wow.

Mark

Amazing. He went there and he had a practice with them. And the coach from the under-15s team literally said ‘he's had coaching’. He's not, he comes from a mountain region in Afghanistan. He's never actually played with a corker. He's played with a tennis ball wrapped in tape. 

Interviewer

Right. 

Mark

I’m like, ‘no, no he hasn't had coaching, I promise you’. Um, and so at 15 years old, he was playing for the senior first team, second team, third team, and under-15 team. And it's just like, costs me a fortune, <laugh>. But, um, yeah.

Interviewer

But it's worth it.

Mark

To see him build his confidence, um, and to have the team welcome him in and for him to see that, yeah. To see how welcoming people are. Well with everything, you know. All the driving to the matches and back, sitting in the car park, don't like cricket <laugh>.

Interviewer

So looking at your household now, Mark, there’s yourself and there's your three lads who are living with you. As you say, you've have an Afghanistan young person, a young person from Syria, and then an English young person. So how do they all get on with each other? What's a sort of, you know, a typical day like? You know, what's it like having those three different people living all under one roof?

Mark

Our youngest, our English lad, he's got autism. So it has a little bit of a difference there because If he can't be in charge, he's not necessarily interested. So there's a bond there, of a bit of brotherliness with them. They'll do the little pushing and the little taking the mickey out of each other, but it's minimal. But with the two lads - the Syrian and the Afghan lad - they've got their journeys over to bond with and the situations they’re in and everything. We’re having to go through the asylum process, you know, trying to get refugee status, dealing with the Home Office age verification and everything else. They've got all of that to bond with. Um, and they're brilliant. They get on like a house on fire. Yeah, it's really, really good to see. Our Afghan lad's got his Afghanistan flag in his bedroom, and the Syrian lad's got his. Little bit of competition like with all kids. One gets one thing, the other one wants it. Um, but it's really, really good. The interesting part for me was getting used to all the different things like, um, obviously they’re Muslim, I've got to get used to the practices. Um, the praying, the praying times. Now of course it's Ramadan as we're doing this, Eid’s just coming up tomorrow. So it's getting used to all of that. I do some fasting with them. Um, the younger lad doesn't do that. He's not going to go without his chicken nuggets, but you

know, <laugh>. 

Interviewer

Yeah. Cause they all like different foods, don't they? 

Mark

Yeah. 

Interviewer

So that's quite a challenge, isn't it?

Mark

Yeah, it’s tested my skills. <laugh> Really tested my skills. The Afghanistan lad, he likes quite spicy food because where he comes from - it's literally near the border with Pakistan - so his food type is quite spicy. But the Syrian lad, he really likes more bland, mild food, but doesn't like Western food. Um, he tries it, but he is not keen on it. And then of course my English lad’s like, it's chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets, burgers, chicken nuggets, burgers. So, um, mealtimes are interesting. 

Yeah. But luckily, you know, because of the two lads are 15, 16… just going on now… I've been able to say to them, ‘you need to do some cooking’. We need to practice now and build up their skills. So they're now cooking most of the meals for themselves. We do quite good. Every now and again, I'll cook a family meal, but otherwise they look after themselves pretty much now.

Interviewer

Mm. Good. 

Mark

So it's beauty of them being that age because I can teach them how to shop, you know? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

It means they’ve been stealing my debit card all the time, but it’s on how to shop, go to the supermarkets, you know. Um, but we do really, really well. But yeah, it's an interesting blend in the house because obviously we have all the different things going on. Like we've got Ramadan, we've got Eid coming up, we have Christmas because suddenly my youngest lad will keep telling me how he's atheist. But suddenly he gets very religious when it comes to times when it's like, ‘oh there’s presents involved’. Yeah. I'm surprised he hasn't clicked onto Eid yet and decided he wants to celebrate Eid as well.

Interviewer

Now of course, as a foster carer, you know, you focus on the young people and the children that are with you. But life rumbles on, things happen, other difficulties crop up. And you yourself at the moment are living with a cancer diagnosis, aren't you? 

Mark

Yeah. 

Interviewer

So how has that been for you? You know, you've still got your three young people living with you, you still have to look after their needs, but of course you've been going through treatment yourself. So how's that been for you, Mark?

Mark

Um, it's been interesting right from the start, <laugh>, I mean, I was very lucky - we caught the cancer very, very early on. Um, so there, there was the shock of that and me having to get used to the idea that I've got cancer. And then very quickly, obviously I was put through on the footpath to treatment, which involved getting scans done quite quickly and so on. And then my treatment started, I ended up getting a six-week course of chemotherapy and radiotherapy combined. Um, quite horrendous in what you go through, in some respects. I mean, the treatments weren't… I say they weren't too bad. I dealt with them. But that was the beauty, in some respects, of being a foster carer. I have to deal with them because I've got my boys to look after. I've got my lads to look after.

I think my biggest worry was that, potentially, the Local Authority were going to sort of go, ‘oh, hang on a moment, we need to look at this. Is this the best situation at the moment? Do we, do we need to take these boys?’ And, you know, move them on. Which terrified me because they're my purpose, so the idea of having them taken away and leaving me to deal with the cancer on my own was horrible. So a bit selfish in some respects. I needed the boys to focus on them, so I could focus on them and not focus on the cancer because there's nothing I could do. It's just…  get the treatment, keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. 

Um, so it was interesting. 

It was like knowing what to tell the boys and when to tell them and how to tell them as well. I'm one of those where I like them to be as informed as I can do. So I did sit them down separately because, obviously, I've got the age differences and the younger lad’s got autism, so I need to be a bit more careful on how I sort of like tell him things. Um, but we managed it and we worked through and I had the conversations with them and I've got to say all three of them were absolutely amazing. They were brilliant. They had a week and a half's respite while I was in hospital for some heavy treatment, but otherwise they've been at the house. I'd say for teenage boys who've been typical teenage boys in some respects, but I still have to nag them. And there's not much thinking involved, it’s just like, It's all about them. But they do show a side of affection and it’s like, every now and again you get, ‘are you okay, I'll carry the bags’, you know, and they'll take all the shopping bags off me and stuff. And the two older lads they cook their meals, like I say. And, in some respects, it definitely helped them get more independent. Um, I was always there for them, uh, always doing, doing what I can and what I should do for them. But it helped them because they decided to take that little bit more on and do more things for themselves. So it helped them in that respect. But yeah, it's definitely been challenging and now I'm waiting to see whether I’m in remission, um, so I'm just dealing with the side effects now, which it's one of those, isn't it?

You've got to get on with it as such. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

But fostering was a blessing. I would've hated to be doing any other job because I would've ended up concentrating on the cancer, whereas this allowed me to concentrate on the boys.

I did say to one of the Local Authority social workers – a bit of emotional bribery - I'm like, ‘don't take my boys away from me’ <laugh>. You know, and luckily they realised, you know, again, like I say, I'm stubborn and I'm pig-headed. It's like, ‘yeah, I've got cancer’. It is what it is, isn't it? You know, you get on with life. Um, and yeah, I mean the agency were brilliant. They were always offering me support. I've got my own support network as well.

The agency had to tell me off every now and again because, again, I'm stubborn so I kept trying to do things for myself. And every now and again, the agency would have to be like ‘Mark, let’s have a chat, come here’. <laugh>.

Interviewer

Yeah. How important is it for you to have that fostering community, particularly at such a difficult time while you were going through that?

Mark

It's massively important. It's having somebody to talk to. Um, Laura, who's my SSW is brilliant. You know, I can phone her up. I can have a whinge. I can grumble and complain to her and she'll take it on the chin because she knows, once I've had my whinge, it's ‘okay, let's get back to it then’. Um, but it's knowing that you've got that supporting in case anything happens, like I ended up going to hospital and end up staying in hospital, which wasn't planned. Um, the agency were there straight away, you know, they got the lads all to respite, so they could go somewhere else for that week and a half. Looked after the boys really, really well. And then, as soon as I was back home and feeling well enough, the boys came back to me. 

It's knowing you've got that safety net, you know, friends and family, they can be in your support group. And that's all good and well. But it's when an emergency happens… to know that the agency's going to step in for you and look after you and look after, you know, the young people with you and it, it is massive. You know, I didn't appreciate it before the cancer, but, during the cancer and stuff, it's like that's, we got have an appreciation a lot more.

Interviewer

Yeah. So, you know, life has been difficult. It's thrown you some curve balls. Obviously the journey of your boys all coming to you, their journeys have been difficult as well. But you are all finding joy in life, aren't you, amongst all of that?

Mark

Yeah. You've got to, you know, there's the… you need to deal with the negative stuff. It's not ignore the negative things, you need to deal with that, but it's trying to build all the positive stuff… make life…. One of the biggest things with the unaccompanied lads was education. I mean, that was the biggest struggle we had is getting them into the right education for them. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Mark

It was so, so difficult. But both boys, you know, we got them in, we got them on the ESOL, which is English for non-English speakers. They are doing the ESOL course. Both of them. They're doing amazing. Uh, again, they want to absorb everything. They're so enthusiastic. Um, I mean, one of the lads is cleverer than I am <laugh>. He's doing maths and I'm just like, <laugh>, ‘please don't ask me, please’. He literally, we showed him a times table chart. So he had a look at that, you know, the square graph where it's got all the… and five minutes of looking at it and then we started working on his times table and I'm like thinking ‘he's doing really well’. And I'm like, ‘how are you doing this?’ ‘I’m picturing, picturing the chart? I'm like, ‘I think I've reached our age where I can't remember stuff at the best of times’, but he's like, just remembered it. And yeah, now he is better than I am. 

Interviewer

Wow. 

Mark

His English is really, really good. The Syrian lad, we do the flashcards. So we're constantly doing little competitions and little games with flashcards and stuff. Randomly I'll walk in and I'll be pointing at stuff, ‘What's this? What's this? What's this?’ And getting him to say things in English. Um, and they've just done so well and absorbed so much. It's slightly embarrassing as an English person to realise how lazy we can be at times. I'm just like… both of them speak three languages. I think the oldest lad, he speaks four languages now. 

Interviewer

Oh wow. 

Mark 

He only spoke his native Pashto when he was coming across, but now he speaks four or… five languages he can touch on now. And I'm just like, ‘really?’ I can barely speak English. You know, it's like, come on!

Interviewer

So obviously, you know, you fostering your three boys has had such a positive impact on their lives, but it's clear that it's had such a positive impact on your life. Fostering. It's changed your life, hasn't it?

Mark

When I was coming into fostering, I knew I wanted to, obviously, I wanted to do fostering. I knew I hoped I was going to enjoy it. I never realised what I was gonna get out of it. Part of you’s thinking that you want to do this for the children. How much I've got out of it and what it means to me, it's just unbelievable. I mean, I'm 55, so I keep getting this, ‘you're getting old, retire’. I'm never going to retire. As long as I can foster, I'm going to foster. It's the best job I've ever done. It's so rewarding. You have your hard times, you have your hard patches. Like I said, my oldest lad, he's gonna be moving on now and that's going to be so tough when he does it, you know, to let go of something. And again, this is the thing with unaccompanied asylum seekers, they are older so you don't have them with you for that long. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. 

Mark

So you've got to make the most of what you've got. That being said, he will always be our lad. He will always be welcome back in his home. We'll be still going out on day trips and stuff, but yeah, I… you can't put into words. Genuinely, I can't put into words what fostering has given me. It, it's just, yeah, it's massive. I don't think I could have got through the things that I've had to deal with lately if it wasn't for fostering.

And when I look at my future, all I see is fostering. Whether when I get old and decrepit and I'm struggling, I have to do respite rather than full-time fostering, so be it, but I can't see me ever stepping away from it. Um, the challenges are with our youngest with his autism, that was a massive learning curve. I've got a brand new library built up over the four years that he's been with us of all of the books and stuff. I’ve learned so much. It's just gives you so much, it is so rewarding. You get to see these young people come to you, you work through issues, you build confidence within them. You see them start to flourish and yeah, you then see them move on and move out.

But that's life and that's the beauty of it. And seeing them going to college and seeing them doing what… hopefully becoming an electrician, plumber and setting out on a business. I was a part of that, you know. All the jobs I've done previously, you know, what are you getting out of it? And most of my jobs I can think, ‘I didn't really get anything out of it’. You just go to work, come home, do a job. This I got so much out of it. You know, I've got lads. Yeah, I've got lads all over the place now. It's like… one of the young lads that came to us was only with us for three weeks because the Local Authority decided to move him to semi-independent. I’m still in touch with him. We got go over and see him every now and again. He's been on days out with us.

They’re my lads, I'm never going to let him go. They're never going to let me go. We've got that bond there now, and it's, yeah, massively, massively rewarding.

Interviewer

Thank you so much, Mark, it's been wonderful to speak to you. Thank you so much for being so open about your experiences and, and so much love and luck for the future. So thank you so much. 

Mark

Thank you. 

Interviewer 

And if Mark has inspired you and you want to find out more about fostering, head to our website, nfa.co.uk.