Destiny: I was in foster care

Destiny is a lively and articulate young woman who spent her childhood in various foster homes before finding her forever home with her current foster family. She speaks candidly about her anger growing up and the many traumatic experiences she faced. Describing herself as a “very troubled child”, Destiny found out at age four that the person she was living with was not her real mum. She found meeting her biological mum confusing and traumatic and expressed her feelings through angry outbursts. Destiny explains that “you need to find an outlet” and the foster home provided a safe environment to let out her emotions. Age 17, she hit rock bottom but then something changed.  Destiny learned a different way to express her feelings. Slowly she came to a new understanding about her life and her experiences. Now, Destiny speaks passionately about learning to accept the past and live in the present. She shares what’s important to her in life, her hopes and her dreams. She believes even small acts of self-care (drinking tea’s a biggie) help to shape a brighter future. And, for her, family comes above everything – the foster parents who allowed her to grow, to become Destiny.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

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Transcript

Destiny Transcript

Interviewer

As everyday people, we don't always have a chance to talk about our life, to be heard, but we've all got a story. And this is Destiny's. Hello, Destiny. 

Destiny

Hello. 

Interviewer

Thank you so much for joining me today. 

Destiny

Absolutely. No problem. 

Interviewer

So we have met each other before, sort of in the, in the weird Covid world.

Destiny

In the Covid world. <laugh>, yes.

Interviewer

Basically the, the, you know, the National Fostering Group had to take everything online during the pandemic, like a lot of places did. So, we've done loads of live videos educating people about fostering. And you've been on a, a good few of them really, haven't you? 

Destiny

I have, I have, I have. I’ve lost count really now. 

Interviewer

Yeah. It's been quite a few. 

Destiny

It has. 

Interviewer

And you helped to educate people about fostering because, you know, you, you have been a, a foster child or a young person within the fostering system yourself, haven't you? 

Destiny

I have indeed, I have indeed. 

Interviewer

But I think you've got so much to talk about and so much to tell us. I think we've only just scratched the surface with you.

Destiny

I think that's very true, <laugh>.

Interviewer

<laugh> Because whenever we have chatted, I've always thought, wow, she's so wise and she's had so many experiences. And I'm really keen to, to learn more about you and, and you know, your outlook on life. 

Destiny

Mm-hmm. 

Interviewer

The, the experiences you've had, the things you've learned. 

Destiny

Mm-hmm. 

Interviewer

Maybe the difficult times that you've been through. 

Destiny

Mm-hmm.

Interviewer

Um, and, and to hear your story. 

Destiny

Mm-hmm. 

Interviewer

So should we start from the beginning then? I mean, I know where is the beginning for you?

Destiny

The beginning. So I was put into the foster system when I was 10 months old. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

I, uh, had inflicted many injuries as a baby. 

Interviewer

Okay. 

Destiny

Uh, through the hands of someone else. And I was put into the system for my safety. And I then was in there till I was 18. So it was a very long time. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So I've got a very wide experience of the foster system. I – um – I was bounced around a little bit and then I was placed under guardianship within a fam.. um.. relative for a couple of years. But that didn't work out. I was, uh, that was down to a breakdown of, uh, placement. Uh, there was a lot of, uh, neglect and a lot of abuse going on in the home. So I was then moved again into another foster home. So that is kind of my first memory fully of knowing from me first moving into the system.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Um, because before that you are toddler age, you know, you don't really know what's going on. You just go along with the world, don't you, <laugh>? 

Interviewer

Yeah. Yeah.

Destiny

And then, um, yeah, so after I moved in with those foster carriers, uh, that placement broke down because I was a very - I don't like saying this - but I was a very troubled child. 

Interviewer

Okay. 

Destiny

I, uh, had been through a lot. I was very angry. I was, was very all over the place. And there was other children in the home and they had, some of them had learning difficulties and it just did not work for me because it was so strict in routine. And I'm not a routine person. I just try and, you know, I'm very, um, I have to have everything in a checklist, but I cannot have a routine. I don't know. Um, it's strange. But, uh, so when that placement broke down, I moved into another carers. Um, however, being in that previous home, I was put into respite a lot. Literally maybe twice a month because I was so uncontrollable.  Um. At that age I was about, uh, seven to nine/ten. I was so uncontrollable. Um, but yeah, I moved into, uh, my last foster placement, which lasted, um, well they're still my family. So yeah, I have moved around in like different times, but they've not been longer placements.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So that's literally just from the longest placements I've been in and I've been in smaller placements in between, uh, the bridging, but people can class them as bridging placements.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Where you stay for like two/three months at a time and then you move on. So, um, yeah, that's my life in a general sense. 

Interviewer

Yeah. So that's like a sort of potted version of your life and what's happening. 

Destiny

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

Interviewer

I feel like I've got loads of questions now, Destiny. 

Destiny

Oh, feel free.

Interviewer

So if, if we do go back to the beginning, as you say, you were 10 months old when you were first put into foster care. You.. 

Destiny

Yeah. 

Interviewer

Obviously do not remember that.

Destiny

No  <laugh>

Interviewer

None of us is remember being 10 months old, So do you remember realising that maybe you weren't like the other kids in school, that maybe your, you know, you weren't living with your birth parents, like maybe the majority of people were?

Destiny

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Interviewer

Do you remember realising that? Were you ever told?

Destiny

So that really messed me up when I found out it messed me up as a kid. 

Interviewer

Okay. 

Destiny

So I found out at four…. So when I was four years old, I found out that the relative I was living with was not my mum. 

Interviewer

Okay. 

Destiny

And I had been growing up calling her mum because when you are moved around as a toddler and then when you learn to talk, you automatically assume that they're your parents or they go Mum, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So I was told that she was not my mum and that I was to meet my biological mother, uh, the following week. And that threw me massively. I met her, uh, I met my biological mother at that time and then I started having contact with her regularly. Uh, which obviously as a child throws you because you are then building a new relationship with a new person. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Completely. Uh, and yeah, that really mucked me up for a couple of years, I think, because I was so all over the place trying to figure out who this woman was and..

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

What had happened. And there was lots of secrecy around why I was placed in with my other relative to not being with her. And there was lots of secrecy to why there was social services around and there was meetings and the school was so involved. There was so much secrecy I wasn't told. So I think for a child you are like all over the place. There's so many different people you're constantly meeting and you have no idea why you are meeting them. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Cause you don't get anything explained to you. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Especially at four or five people are just gonna assume that you can waddle through it and get through it, but it is tough. It is tough.

Interviewer

Yeah. So you said it messed you up. How did that manifest? How did that present?

Destiny

That manifested, um, in lots of anger outbursts. So as a child I do remember getting really angry and smashing loads of things and, uh, throwing err things. I would run away. I would do all sorts. Um, what else? Hmm. Sorry, I'm just thinking <laugh>. I, um, yeah. So I would like smash loads of things. I would get into fights with, uh, my brother, uh, constantly, bless his heart. Um, we'd be in physical fights. I would just, anything for me to cause to have an outlet to be angry, I would. And as a… still now sometimes, you know, anger outbursts, that's literally the way I have been taught myself. Because you, the way you release your anger is the way you've seen other people release their anger. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So you are taught how to, as children, you don't, you, what you learn is what you've been taught. You don't automatically know how to cope with your feelings. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny You watch other people and how they cope. So the, uh, behaviour I was displaying at that age was behaviour that was going on in my household. So it wasn't unusual. But then that was conflicting from when I moved into my, uh, the foster carers after that, they found that really hard to cope with because that is… I thought that was normal everyday family behaviour, you know, being angry, smashing things, throwing things, punching people, kicking people, swearing at everyone. I thought that was normal behaviour. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

But it's really not <laugh>. And I think that was really hard for me to get to a grip, especially with so many other people in the home. I think there was two, three, about six, seven people in the home from when I moved into a new foster carers. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So there was, uh, there was four children in the home altogether. Three foster children, and then one of their biological sons and then the two adults. And I think I found that very, very hard because I was used to having three people in the home and loads of animals instead of just pure people.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Um, I'm a people person, but I'm not a people person at the same time. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So I found that extremely, extremely hard.

Interviewer

And you say there were, there were other foster children as well. 

Destiny

Yeah. 

Interviewer

So obviously they're all, all bringing their, their issues and their stories

Destiny

Yeah. Yeah. 100% 

Interviewer

So what was that like?

Destiny

It was horrific. It was absolutely horrific. Um, I, I remember it so clearly. Uh, every, I, I was the worst, unfortunately. I literally smashed everything all the time. I'm really, I felt really sorry for the foster care now. Like growing up, you look back and you go, I was really, really bad <laugh>. Uh, but for the other children, I think it made them worse as well because I was getting so much attention because I was constantly in an angry state that these other children wanted attention as well. Um, and that became very, very hard for the carers at the time. Um, but then that's the reality of being in care. That is the reality of, uh, being in the foster system. You are coming in with issues that maybe not everyone experiences or maybe, um, not everyone experiences to the extent that some foster children experience.

So you need to find an outlet. And sometimes by going into foster placements, that is where the outlet comes in. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. 

Destiny

Cause that's where you are in a safe environment. And you can let out all your anger and you can let out what your emotions and all your feelings to do with everything that's happened. Even if you can't verbally say what you've been through, you are physically showing what you're going through, through outburst. If you run away, if you, you know, swear at someone, you know, you know that behaviour is not okay, but you also know that you're, you are asking for help. Do you know what I mean? 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

It's extremely, extremely hard. Um, but then growing up I think I've learned, I've learned massively to control my anger and know when something is too much for me and know to walk away. And I think that is something that is extremely hard to learn, extremely hard to learn. And I think that's why a lot of youth get into trouble because they don't know properly how to fully outlet their anger. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Uh, and outlet their emotions because people automatically assume, just get over it. Stop being over dramatic.

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative> 

Destiny

When actually those emotions mean more, more than the world to them. But someone else, an outsider might not understand that. Do you see what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So I think that's been extremely hard, um, growing up. That is one thing that I struggled with, I guess.

Interviewer

So you talked about how your difficult behaviour as a child was basically you asking for help. 

Destiny

Yeah. 100%

Interviewer

You calling out for help. Can you remember when you received help? Who helped you and how that felt?

Destiny

Mm, so I was a stubborn child and didn't really accept help, so people would try and help. So I was put under the CAMHS service at, in about eight/nine. Um, and I, I kind of, I kind of participated and I kind of didn't. Um, I kind of shut down because there were so many people involved in my life and I felt that my carers at the time were keeping a lot of stuff because they don't want to overwhelm my child. Do they? They don't wanna sit there and go ‘this is everything that's happening’ and sit and explain everything because that is also very overwhelming for a child. Um, I don't think they, um, could sit there and explain everything to me because that is a way of safeguarding a child as well. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

So I think for me, I'm a very nosy person. I like to know everything that's going on. And as a kid, I just didn't feel like I was getting enough information about everything, so I just shut down. And I didn't say a thing. I was very, um, withdrawn from my feelings. And, uh, the only way I did express that was through anger. I think when I was, I was about 15 when I was put back into CAMHS. And, um, about when I was about 17, I fully… I don't know, something happened. And since then I've been an emotional wreck. Like I cry over everything and it's brilliant because I've never, I would never, I would not cry. I would just be angry. And now if I'm really overemotional I just cry. And that's amazing because I was not like that really as a kid. Yeah. I would be so overwhelmed with everything. And now I just cry all the time and it's brilliant. And some people are like, why are you crying? I'm going, don't worry about it. It's fine.<laugh>, 

Interviewer

I think you're absolutely right there because a lot of the time what I think ends up manifesting in, in bad behaviour, difficult behaviour is that people don't express their emotions properly. They're not able to, they don't feel safe to.

Destiny

Mm. 

Interviewer

So when was that moment that you, it sounds like you were sort of unlocked, like, you know, suddenly you were able to, to emote?

Destiny

So when I - this is a really personal, like not, it is personal. It also could be a very triggering topic. 

Interviewer

Okay.

Destiny 

Um, when I was 15, I battled with a lot of mental health problems. I battled with suicidal thoughts, I battled with suicidal acts, I battled with self-harm, I battled with eating disorders, I battled with anxiety. I have anxiety. I have like, I battle with so many different things that, uh, I was put into intense therapy. I was put into art therapy.

Um, I did… I was still so shut down in art therapy that I didn't speak to her. I was with her for about a year and a half. I didn't speak to her at all. Um, but after we had finished our sessions, that's when I was unlocked. Um, I just became so emotional over everything. I just, it was just one of these things where I just felt like I didn't have to speak to her and that I just could outlet like over my normal daily life.

And that after we'd finished, I felt like I didn't need to talk about my weekly basis of life and go ‘I don't need to moan about that now because I can understand that and I can cope with those emotions that come with it’. And what had happened in the past, you know, I've been through a lot of abuse, I've been through a hell of a lot of abuse and neglect as a child and up to, you know, a teen and sometimes through a teenage bit, um, teenager. Uh, it was one of those things for me where I can sit back and I can go, that has happened.

I can move on from that. That's not a problem. I can understand that. I don't necessarily have to forgive that person. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

And a lot of people say to move on, you have to forgive. And in my opinion, if you feel at peace with what has happened

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Even though it's hurt you, you don't have to forgive. I by no means have forgiven people. I've forgiven some people, but I haven't forgiven others. But I'm at peace with it because it's happened and I can't go back and change it. I can't. And I think that is one thing that's helped me unlock it because I can't go back and change the past. All I can do is change the future and change my future generation of children and grandchildren and help other people.

I'm within my surrounding circle and go, if they go through something, just go, you know, you are there for them and you are able to help other people understand their feelings as well. I think for me, it's just one of these things where I've gone ‘Yeah. It's happened’.

I'm not shut down from the feelings. I've cried about it. I've gone through the motions. You know, you wallow, you eat your ice cream and you're just sitting there watching TV that you go through the motions. But once you’re through the motions, you pick yourself up and you go, ‘I've got one life to live. I've gotta live it’. I can't sit here and wallow about other people's problems. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Because at the end of the day, what's happened to you isn't a reflection of you. It's a reflection of that person and what that person is feeling. So if you've been hit, it's a reflection of that other person. Do you understand what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah, yeah. 

Destiny

If you've, um, unfortunately being sexually assaulted, it's a reflection on that person and how that person's either be raised or that person mentally. It's not a reflection on you. It's not a reflection on what you wear. It's not a reflection on anything other than the person that's doing the act. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

And I think a lot of people don't, I feel a lot of people feel a lot of guilt for those types of things cause they think it's their fault and it's really not. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

But there isn't enough people going, ‘it's not your fault’. 

Interviewer 

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

And that is something that I did struggle with, but now I'm such an ambassador for it. It, you know, it's crazy. 

Interviewer

So you talk about coming to a, a peaceful place with things that have happened to you and you know, and as you said, you don't always have to forgive, you know, you can, you can just move forward in a different way. It sounds to me like it's acceptance, isn't it?

Destiny

It is acceptance. And that's a massive deal. That is a really huge deal. And I don't think a lot of people reach acceptance. I think a lot of people sit and wallow for too long. And there there is wallowing and I mean, I wallowed for about 15 years, so don't worry about it, <laugh>. It's not like I'm gonna sit there for two hours and wallow. No, you wallow and you get on and then you work through your feelings and you're like, now it's my time to pick myself up, go through it. Do you see what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

I think when I was 15, I was told that I wasn't gonna make it to my 16th birthday.

I would've been dead by then because of what I had been going through. And now I'm in uni. I'm, I'm literally thriving. I'm doing so well. I have a little dog. I live with my boyfriend like we do. I'm having the life I wanted to have. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Even after dealing with all those emotions. So, and I've kind of, I've not put it in the past. I think about it. And that's not a bad thing because when you think about something, it's not out of.. I don't cry about it. I just think about it and go, ‘That's happened’. I've got through it. And look where I am now. I'm doing so well. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

You see what I mean?

Interviewer

And what do you think are the main things that have helped you to, to move forward from your past and to, to make sense of, of everything that happened to you in your childhood and in your teens?

Destiny

So a lot of people I would suggest would say knowing their story… I don't fully know all of my story. There's a lot of secrecy still around my past and there's a lot of different stories. Uh, so for me, I've not been able to move on through like knowing the full story. I think for me, I've just had to move on and go, ‘Hmm, well that person was not very nice to me. I'm no longer in their life. They're no longer in my life’. I just have to move on now. I literally just have to move on and be on my own and uh, be there for me and me only. I think that's very hard. And not many people might not get that. I'm not entirely sure. Uh, I think you just have to put you first in every single situation, um, no matter what. And then that is what helps me move on. Because when I go ‘No, that's too triggering. I'm not gonna go do that. That's too triggering’. I'm staying at home or ‘No, I'm gonna go do that’. And then say someone else goes ‘I've had this before. I'm not going. It's too triggering’. Or that other person's going ‘I'm not going, that's too triggering’. And I say, ‘No, that’s not triggering for me, but I'm gonna go and then I'll tell you about it when I get home’. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative> 

Destiny

Or things like that. It's the balancing act of what you can cope with. 

Interviewer

Yeah. Protecting yourself.

Destiny

It's protecting yourself. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

And safeguarding yourself. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

And I don't think many people do that enough. Um, it's about putting your foot down in areas. I mean, I don't put my foot down enough. I do let people walk over me sometimes. And I don't mind that because that is, that's just family or that's just friends. That's, that's life isn't it? 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

Um, I don't wanna be seen as like the person that you know, is so hard to talk to and can't talk to. Um, you know, and they're not a nice person. Like, I don't mind, I'm a very chatty person, but sometimes from the outside I think people think I'm quite, um, quite um, rude because I just, I'm constantly like, I don't smile a lot. <laugh>

Interviewer

<laugh>, You're very smiley today. 

Destiny

I know, I know. That's the thing because I'm talking to someone, but when I'm on my own I don't smile a lot because I'm always, I'm always in my own little world. And I think that is a good thing because I'm constantly safeguarding myself from other people. And that is not because I'm afraid of those other people. That is because I don't want to get so involved in that other person's life, even if they're like a stranger or if they're, I don't wanna get so involved that I'm feeling like I have to either fix them or they're getting too involved in my life. And then, you know, they find out something about my past and then they throw it back in your face. Like, people do.. do that and I don't wanna be dealing with that. Do you see what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

So I think for me to move on from my past, I've had to sit there. I've uh, done it multiple times. I've written out everything multiple times by hand, on the computer. Just because the more you write something out, the more you remember things. Oh the more you remember things. And I think for me, I've then been able to go ‘Okay, that happened there, that happened there and I'm fine with that’. And that is the, for me to move on. I've only done that through the memories I fully remember. And then I've been able to go, ‘That's fine’ and move on. I think that's for me, that's what I've done. And I've just… self-care. All the little things as well build up. Self-care, having a bath, putting your face mask on, I don't know, girly things. All of those different things help you to move on because you're doing something for you. You're making a, putting a smile on your own face. You're not relying on someone else to put a smile on you. You are going out of your way and making yourself feel good about it. So I think that's a really important thing if you are trying to move on to put yourself first in every single situation.

Um, it's difficult when you've got kids and things like that, but take the kids out of the scenario. You put yourself first. If you don't like, if you don't like the path you're going down, you try and fix that for yourself. Do you see what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Um, so yeah, I think that for me what I've done to try and move on from everything. I think it's an ongoing thing as well, to be fair, you're never ever gonna get over completely over everything. I think it's definitely an ongoing thing that you are constantly dealing with because it's different triggers that pop up in life. I do hate the word ‘triggers’ by the way.

And I know I'm saying it a lot. I feel like triggers is just such a bad word to use, but there's a lot of, um, I will say again, triggers that can pop up in life to say, um, you have a kid and you are worried that something that happened to you as a kid will repeat itself in the child.

Like there's loads of different things or you go along and a friend has been through the same thing you've been through and then that brings it all up again for you. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Or a family member or anything like that. Anyone close to you that has been through something then similar to you, you are then brought up with all the memories again and you're trying to then have to deal with those again. So I think it's constantly just trying to stay away from things that might bring it all up. So much so that you have to sit there and wallow all over again.

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Do you see what I mean? Because that's just not fair on you, you know

Interviewer

In your sort of day-to-day life though, you know, like in social situations or maybe when you meet people new, like new people, how much of your past do you share? Does everyone know that that Destiny grew up in foster care or do you not always share that? 

Destiny

So I am a very open person and I hate it. I do hate it a lot of the time. 

Interviewer

<laugh>. So you're an open book, aren't you? 

Destiny

I am. 

Interviewer

Which is great. 

Destiny

Not always <laugh>

Interviewer

When is, when is it not good then?

Destiny

So I look back to secondary school, I think I told everyone that I was in care or they all found out. I don't really know, it kind of happened along those lines. And I feel like I got bullied quite a lot because there was times that people said ‘Oh, you are not with your own family, or I wanna be in care. I'm gonna, I wanna be in foster care’. And they think it's a luxurious life. And don't get me wrong, people do try and they try and make you happy and they, they provide as much as they can for you. However it doesn't beat, it does not beat living with your own family.

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative> 

Destiny

As much as people say ‘Oh I hate my mom, I hate my dad, I hate my sister, I wish I was in the system’. No you don't because you don't get to see your family often. A lot of foster children only get to see their family twice a year. Not even that. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

And that is down to what has happened to them in their past. So I think for me, that was one thing I regretted saying because I had a lot of comments like that growing up. Um, I also was bullied a lot because I was the odd one out, um, massively the odd one out. And I wasn't exactly the slimmest of kids in secondary school, um, growing up. So that also didn't help. Uh, I think I was just the odd one out. I'm a not very, um, I don't really fit in with the, say the social crowds of these days. I just kind of, I'm on the outskirts cause I can be quite quiet in new situations. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

Um, and if I don't like someone, I'm very open about it and I know I shouldn't be, but I won't, I don't want to talk to people if I don't feel like I'm gonna not get on with them.

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

Because, uh, that is again, putting myself in a situation where I need to protect myself from feeling like I have to be angry or I'm upset or I walk away feeling like ‘Oh, that person doesn't like me. Why doesn't that person like me? Am I too fat?’ No. Am I too, you know, those types of things. And you're never too big because that everyone is their own individual person. But for me, when I walk away from things I go ‘Oh, were my legs too big? Or, um, did they like not like my face and they're not like my hair? Am I too bubbly? Am I too talkative? Am I too this? Am I too that?’ Those are the types of things that I could walk away from a conversation going. And that is because I'm still, I'm still, I'm still, um, finding my way into a happy medium or finding the way I can comfortably talk with people I know I'm not gonna get on with. And that is something I'm still working on to this day. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

That is something I'm definitely still working on to this day. <laugh>

Interviewer

So you talked about, you know, putting yourself first and and protecting yourself and safeguarding yourself. 

Destiny

Yeah. 

Interviewer

And how important that is. But it sounds like you do really care about other people as well.

Destiny

Oh, I really do. And that is, I really do. 

Interviewer

And because you are sharing your story so much because you want to help others. So can you tell us more about that?

Destiny

Uh, I, I, it actually can be a downfall. I get told all the time that I'm helping others more bef.. before that I'm helping my own self. Uh, I mean I do. Hmm. Can you elaborate on that?

Interviewer

So how important is it for you to use your story to help other people? 

Destiny

Okay. Yeah. I see where you're coming from. I think it's very important for me. I think I have a lot to share and a lot to talk about. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

I mean we've really just scratched the surface so far, you know? And I think if I was, um, I think for me, when I sit down and talk to people, I'll only ever share something with someone that if it relates to that moment, you see. So if I have a friend, you know, going through a massive, you know, horrific time in their life, I'll sit there and I'll go ‘Don't worry, you can actually get through this. Sit back, have, have a cuppa. I love my tea. Have a cuppa. Have a biscuit.’ 

Interviewer

Tea solves everything, doesn't it? 

Destiny

It really seriously does <laugh>. Um, I have like five, six, maybe 10 of those a day. Sit there, have a cuppa. It's brilliant. Um, it's probably why I'm late to a lot of things cause I'm just finishing off my cuppa at home and then I walk five minutes at the house. Um, I love using my story to help others, but then I don't wanna come across. I feel like sometimes it can come across like I'm trying to get one up on someone as well. So you have to sit there and you have to be very vigilant in the way you talk to someone about it and vigilant in the way that you, uh, describe something that's happened to you and how it can relate to them to say, um, say I was hit for example, and you go and my a friend or a family member comes and goes, I was just hit. I'll go ‘How are you feeling? What's going on?’ I feel like I really care a lot about a lot of people and I will drop a lot of things for family and I will drop a lot of things for friends because those are the people you've got at the end of the day. If you don't help other people, um, then you're gonna be on your own really. You've gotta really branch out and really help other people and be there for them because that's all you've got at the end of the day. You've got what in your life, you've got your family and probably like three friends that will stick by you your entire life or at different aspects in your life.

And those are the people you wanna hold close. Because if you don't hold them close, you're gonna have no one, you're gonna feel lonely, you are gonna be depressed, you're gonna be more full of anxiety. Cause you can't release anything. So those are the people you should be dropping everything for and going ‘Yeah, I'm gonna help you out. Sorry, I can't, I can't work today or I can't do this. I've gotta help them out’. Because at the end of the day, money doesn't mean anything to family and love and caring and nurture. Money doesn't mean anything to me in that respect. Family means everything to me. Friends mean everything. Uh, love, caring, nurturing and being there for people means more to me.

I think maybe that's because I've been through so much in my life that I've just sat there and I've gone ‘I don't care what wage I'm on’. I would love to be on a good wage, hence why I'm in uni. Like I'm trying to build a career for myself. But at the end of the day, I would drop work if I had to and go ‘I've gotta be there for my family. I'm sorry, but those are the people I've got after I retire. These are the people I've got to live with’. Not, not technically live with, but be around, live around, go see, be friends with or be friendly with. These are the people that make your life. These are the memories that will stick by you and not working because at the end of the day when you're 60, you'll either go - or 70 - you'll either go, ‘Oh, hated working for the last 40 years, it was the worst career of my.. the worst career I've ever chosen’.

Or you'll go, ‘I loved the, I love my career, but I was also there for my family and I have such great memories’. And you've lived your life. Do you know what I mean? 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative> 

Destiny

To live your life. You can live it for yourself, but you've also got other people around you because at the end of the day, you can't live your entire life on your own because that would make your life so entirely lonely.

Interviewer

Yeah. So it's relationships, isn't it, that’s the most important thing?

Destiny

100%. And I think that's something that I've seriously learned because I'm not great at building relationship. I'm not great at making new friends because it gets quite, I get quite scared and anxious about making them. But I think I've learned that that is something I have to seriously, seriously, um, work on throughout my entire life. Plus I'm a caring person anyway. I'm a very caring person anyway. And I, I don't wanna sound too egotistical here, but I am like, I just try and I'm always happy and everything around family and friends, whatever.

I try and always be caring to absolutely everybody, even neighbours. I try and be caring to all of them. Um, so yeah, I just guess it's just in my nature as well, which is rare for people to have that constantly in their nature. But it's a good thing and that's something that I do like about myself, <laugh>. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Which is a good thing. 

Interviewer

Yeah. So we've talked a lot about your past, but your present and your future, what about that? What does that look like? You, you've touched on the fact that you have a partner, don't you? 

Destiny

Yes. 

Interviewer

So can you, can you tell us about maybe what you see the future holding for you and, and your partner?

Destiny

Uh, well, ooh, okay. This is good. This is a really ‘out there’ question. <laugh>, if he listens to this, this is gonna be interesting.

<laugh>

Interviewer

<laugh> Yeah.Where'd you see yourself in 10 years’ time?

Destiny

In 10 years? Uh, hopefully a couple little kiddos walking around. 

Interviewer

Okay. 

Destiny

Um, little money. Definitely a career. Hopefully. People always say have a career before having children, uh, and all of this. But I think whatever happens, happens, I'm very chill with it. Whatever happens in my twenties, happens in my twenties, do you know what I mean?

Interviewer 

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

And then I'll just work with it. I'll just have to ride along with it. Um, I'd love a career. I'm looking at a couple of different career paths, which is good. I'm looking at either joining the police force, I'd like to work in the CID unit if I could.

Interviewer

Wow. 

Destiny

Um, but I think that's very hard to get into, um, because there's like not a load of jobs around for that. Uh, um, that specific role. Uh, I'd love to, if that doesn't work out, I'd look at being a data analyst. Um, it's very interesting for me. Very interesting. Um, or I'd look in the prison service. I'd love to work in the criminal justice system in an aspect of it.

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

Um, is that if I decide to go in a different path, maybe I'd take a PhD and see if I can get it in law or anything and go down that path. I would like to do it in the criminal justice system. I think that's because of everything I've been through and I have had a lot of police involvement in my life. And I think for me, I'd like to see the other, the other, um, the other side.

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

So it's like a train platform. One side is all of your past and all of your, um, memories. And the other side is, you know, the professionalism side. And I'd like to see what it's like on the professionalism side and how that impacts people on the other side of the train platform. Do you see what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

And um, that's something I'm really interested about and how my life and how I as one person can impact someone if I'm doing a case can impact that one person. Do you see what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Or impact the society as a whole, because at the end of the day, if you're joining the police force, you're protecting, you are protecting society and protecting the community. So I'd like to see like how, how that is all done and how that's all goes about. Do you see what I mean? 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

I think future-wise yeah. That is what's going on there. Rght now in this moment.

I am happy. I've got a little dog. She is 11 months old, she's about to turn one in like a week. She's a nightmare. She is beautiful. She's gorgeous. She knows she's sweet, she knows she's gorgeous, but she is a nightmare. She loves to rip everything up. She loves, loves, loves it. She'll go in our bathroom cabinet, she'll take all the toilet roll out and we've come in and she's put it all down the stairs, all in the living room, everywhere in the office, in the bedroom. Ah, it is hectic. And then what we're wiping our butts with like half, half done toilet roll because you're not gonna waste it. It's a waste of money that way. Um, she's really sweet. And at the moment I'm just in uni second year, um, studying criminology and sociology of quantitative methods.

Interviewer

Wow. 

Destiny

Um, yeah, it's a lot <laugh>. Uh, but it's fun actually. It's really, really fun. Uh, the way they split it up was just good. Um, after Christmas, it's just purely sociology. So I'm not overly looking forward to that 

Interviewer

<laugh>. 

Destiny

Um, I'm more enjoy the quantitative side.

Interviewer

So as somebody who's grown up in the, the care system, can you ever imagine doing that yourself? 

Destiny

So actually this is really strange. When I was in year two, I remember this state so completely. I was looking at the stairs and I go ‘in 11 years I'm gonna be in - I think it was 11 years or something like that. I, my math was not great - I said, in this specific amount of years I'm gonna be in university’. And I was!

And only, I think only about 6% of foster children actually make it to university. Not many of us do. And I think that's maybe because of support. There's, there's not a lot of support out there for us. And even though people say there is and there is loads, there's just caseloads that are piled high on these poor social workers desks. And um, that's the only time you'll sit here and I will go ‘I feel sorry for social workers’ because I do understand that they've got a high case, um, high caseload. And that is something that I know that they can't fully give everything and all the time into them. So I think people slip through the cracks and then they don't get to do everything that they want to do and then they go into crime or they go into different things because they can't, they don’t know what… they didn't have enough support in order to do what they wanted to do. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

So, um, yeah, I think I always knew I was gonna go to uni and I always wanted to go to uni. I just didn't know if I could make it to uni. But I have and I'm doing it and I'm doing really well.

So I think if you just think about something you wanna do, it'll eventually happen. And because you manifest things, I think I've been really into that at the moment - manifesting everything that I want to come true. And it does because it makes you excited to work towards something and it makes you excited to keep on trying, keep on working hard because if you don't give yourself goals, what have you got to live for? What have you got to work towards, you know? 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. 

Destiny

So I think those are the types of things that I do and I kind of just sit here and I think about and do and get to and I have, I'm doing it, you know.

Interviewer

And you've had some really interesting experiences as well. Like you've been on TV, you were on Steph's Packed Lunch, weren't you? 

Destiny

I was. 

Interviewer

Can you tell us about that? With, with Kerry Katona. Tell us about that. 

Destiny

I was, I was, it was fun. I was nervous. I was so nervous and it was just purely because it was gonna be on national television. I was just like, ‘oh my goodness’. Um, Kerry is a lovely woman. She is a lovely, lovely woman. She's so out there and so loud like me, but I was so shy that day. I think I wasn't as loud. Um, it was actually brilliant talking about everything and talking about what our own experiences were. I think the, um, clip was, did represent our chat, but we were chatting for hours.

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

So there was loads that you pack into like small little segments that get put online and you don't fully get to like, explain everything to what the extent that you want to explain it to. 

Interviewer

Yeah. So what was the sort of angle? What were they talking about? 

Destiny

They were talking about how uh, the foster carers, well they are foster carers, but my parents, my family now, uh, how they were now turned into my forever family and how much of a beautiful story it was that they took me on and that they allowed me to be a part of their family and allowed me to, um, grow as a human being without restraints or feeling like I'm in care without restraints of professionals coming in all the time asking me questions. They were very relaxed. They allowed me to do a lot of the things that I wanted to do. Um, and that is what abled me to grow. Um, because believe it or not, the foster carers that I was placed with, um, they were not supposed to be my forever family. I was supposed to go into a residential home, uh, cause I was such an uncontrollable child.

But I thrived there because I was on my own as well. There was no other kids. They, um, didn't have any dogs at the time. They had a bird and a cat. And I'm so allergic to cats though, <laugh>. Um, and I thrived in their environment and now they've got two dogs, thanks to me and my pushing. ‘Can we get a dog? Can we get a dog?’ Now they've got two and now I've got one of my own as well. So they all have fun together and I've been really put in with people that I've got on so well with and now I'm just family to them all over.

Even their children. They're my siblings. I was just working for a sibling last week, um, and on her business and then, um, I honestly, and now I've got nephews cause they've all had children since me living with them. 

Interviewer

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Destiny

And now I've got little nephews running about all under three. And then, ah, it's amazing. Absolutely incredible. And I didn't know a family could be that loving and that caring and that nurturing. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

Um, even though they were so lax with everything, it was allowed me to come to terms and find my own identity.

Interviewer

Yeah. Yeah. So this is a, a nice sort of point to end on really, Destiny. 

Destiny

Yeah. 

Interviewer

You know, we've talked about, about your upbringing and your experiences and how difficult they were. We've talked about how accepting all of it is really crucial, isn't it?

Destiny

Yeah. 100%. 100%.

Interviewer

And then you've just talked then about finally feeling part of a family and those relationships that are so important. How does it feel to, to finally feel like part of a, a family feel wanted and, and a sense of belonging, I suppose?

Destiny

It feels really, really good. And anyone who sits there and goes that foster children are not wanted, are not correct at all. I have had someone say that to me before and that is totally not correct. When you find the correct foster home or when you are, uh, when you are placed into the correct foster home or with the correct people, you thrive and you know you are thriving because you're doing so well. You're doing so well in school, you're doing well with friends, you're doing well with yourself. 

Interviewer

Yeah. 

Destiny

You are feeling good. And don't forget you are also thriving even if you are going through a tough patch, because remember you, that means you're in a safe environment for you to go through that tough patch and get through it. And just remember that hopefully those people will stick by you and then you'll come out the other end and maybe you'll get to uni, maybe you won't, maybe you'll go to college and then get a full-time job and do really well. Like, maybe you'll have a kid and that will be the making of you. I'm not saying go do that before like the age of 25 

Interviewer

<laugh>. 

Destiny

Um, but you know, these are the types of things that are positives. So just, you know, take time for yourself and just chill and just relax into it and just remember it's just one life and there's so many more years to go.I think I've got like 70 years left on my life, hopefully. So 

Interviewer

<laugh> 

Destiny

60, maybe.

Interviewer

You counting them down? 

Destiny

No. Well cause as I said, checklist, you know, I said I love my checklist. <laugh>

Interviewer

Destiny, thank you so, so much. 

Destiny

No worries.

Interviewer 

For speaking to me today. It's been an absolute pleasure and best of luck with the future. I can see you've got such a happy and positive future ahead of you. 

Destiny

Oh, thank you. Um

Interviewer

So best of luck with it. 

Destiny

It's been great to meet you in real life <laugh>. 

Interviewer

So if you found this podcast interesting and you'd like to find out more, visit nfa.co.uk